Are you a joiner or a loner?

I cannot join anything that constitutes a group. I'm here at DU because I don't have to go to group meetings or wear a hat with tassles or a jacket with colors on the back of it.

I got thrown out of girlscouts and my church choir (both of which my mother forced me to join) and I had serious issues in 12-step groups, tho I went to meetings 7 days a week for almost 20 years.

I could never be part of The Knights of Columbus, Hell's Angel's, the local Democratic Executive Committee, be a cop, a firefighter, a nun, a member of a cult. I am doomed to being an outsider; a lone wolf.

What about you crazy fucks? Belong to any groups we should know about?

I have to take new people rather slowly. I'm automatically defensive, rather than welcoming. I automatically avert my eyes from people I don't know, and watch them in a "sly" manner, from the corners of my eyes. I don't "mingle" with people well, and I hate small-talk. My instinct is to shrink away from company, unless I am so aching, and then I don't know how to ask somebody for help.

Around friends I am wacko, wild, biting, deeply sarcastic, and sometimes brutally honest.

I am a typical INTJ. :P

which was after school. I simply went home but got caught by my dad who had left work early. So I only finished the year. Not Girl Scout material.

I am a member in good standing of a 12 step group. And a bunch of us subversive moms are going to descend upon the PTA, to try an enact some changes in policy at the school. But I am a bit too subversive to do the full bore group thing.

I chat with cashiers, waiters, clerks...just about anyone who wants to have contact with another human. I like people one-to-one, but, I don't really feel at ease in groups. (Only child here.)

Also, I am perfectly happy spending time alone.

which I often think of as a bunch of spiritual lone wolves in a community, I'd say more of a loner. A fairly sociable loner, but not quite an extrovert.

Not a follower.

neck of the woods.

:pals:

I don't know

I'm a loner in some ways and I voted that way

but I'm a people person on the inside


I've had problems with anxiety all my life and it's soooo much better these days now that I'm getting too old to care so much about what people think? :rofl:

I hate that I have avoided being a joiner because of anxiety, but I have. Now, I'm not a joiner really because I'm too much of a damned rebel, subversive, or something.

I enjoy people for the most part. I also enjoy alone time.

I guess I'm sure not a joiner of large service organizations or things like that. I've tried that and hated it. I've attended 12 step groups and regularly attend one right now. I remember though when I started attending them, I was so anxious that I would feel panic when it came around to me to say anything. Now if I'm in a large meeting and I don't get to speak, I get mad! I hate tag meetings (where you speak and call on someone else) because I've never been part of the "clique" so to speak anywhere.

:shrug: Just a man of inconsistencies, but I'm consistently inconsistent.

I am, so far, your lone joiner!

I love love love belonging to groups!

And I'd guess it's because if I can belong to a group, that must mean that they accept me....

I always have suffered from not feeling as though I belong, as though I am accepted......

Things you learn as a child tend to stay with you, alas...

I love it here, you know.......:hug:

I don't mind small groups, but once the collective grows to sufficient size to become a mob, I make my excuses and leave. My preference is to be alone, however; I find most of the rest of my own species either dull, depressing or both.

I'm a person. I know what people are capable of. I want no part of that!

CaliforniaPeggy can be in charge of organizing the meetings to which none of us will show up at.

Change......brrrrrrrr.

I admire that. 7 days a week for 20 years. My hat is off to you. I went for about 8, between 8 and 9 didn't go much, started back in the 9th year and then relapsed right before 10. Since then I've been afraid to go back, like I don't want to base my identity on accumulated time again since it was almost the death of me when I lost it the first place, outside of that. Plus there was a suicide of a friend and the death of a pet and other stuff that happened right around that time. I think I am gonna try CoDa or something like that.

I'm a loner, btw.

As much as I was uncomfotable in the group, it saved my life and taught me humility (ya sure).

I met someone a few years ago who was sober 25 years, went out to lunch with friends, ordered a glass of wine, and bang she drank away the afternoon....She showed up at a meeting the next day and it was one of the most powerful meetings I ever attended. She had so much damn wisdom to offer.

Going back out is sometimes the best thing that can happen. Think about how you can help someone else. That's what it's all about...not you...but you. Get it?

I am deathly afraid of someone handing me a joint for that reason because I've seen one toke start a relapse that almost killed someone; it was someone who went to their first 12 step meeting in '69 and this relapse happened in '94 and it was long after she'd lost all of her five kids to the state. Truth is, my core issues haven't budged. I know I need some kind of guidance but I want to work on the core shit and I'm thinking that CoDa or somewhere like that is where I need to be. The relapse was five years ago.

I don't have the initiative to join groups or have meaningful social encounters, but I like those things in theory. Mostly I just sit on my couch. Or behind a desk. Sometimes I take walks. By myself. :cry:

:)

:evilgrin:

But I'm absolutely not. I once went a week without speaking. It rocked. If I could, I would love to try for a month. Maybe a year.

It's evil. It actually lurks AT me.

And if it's my sister-in-law, mistress of the dark/townie-happy hour/buy-me-a-drink-I'm-a-douchebag 7 pm call, I unplug the phone on the second ring. Byotch.

Always have been. Outspoken loner at that. Being outspoken often has led to a conundrum. You speak out, you tend to gain followers as you say things others wish they had, or could say. I don't like hangers on. Being a true loner at heart makes me a horrible leader. My leadership is akin to heading for a cliff at full speed, with no notice of my passengers saying slow down.

So i have to be a loner. If i join, it's always the same story. I either take over, or form a splinter group. Then i run said group right into the ground.

My being a loner saves others a ton of heartache.

I thought when i wrote that "i missed my calling". By the description i would have made a great corporate raider.

What kinda business ya wanna ruin?

I can be friendly and talkative with strangers, in a non-social situation, that I'm never going to see again. The only people I socialize with are my brothers and sisters and a couple of friends. On those occasions there is a beginning and an end, and I get to leave. I like being alone, just not total isolation.

does that make sense? :shrug:

:hi:

n/t

So many of us consider ourselves loners, and yet here we are night after night checking in with each other. I have felt much less alone since I decided to stop lurking here and participating.

There is a lot of personality in the Lounge.

but that's only because I always fail to get people to join me at being a loner.

:D



Two seconds after I posted this The Dead Parade starting playing. Bwhahahaha. I like this song. :P

:party:

:rofl:

:P

:rofl:

I am not alone. They talk to me.

Today Gray had an entire conversation with a poster of Uncle Sam, she kept going on and on about how she knew he wanted her, but she only has feelings for Lukas.

:o

:loveya:

:hug: :pals: :loveya: :headbang: :yourock: :applause: :hide:

How come you don't have to wear the hat with tassels?


That's bogus! We all have to wear the hat with tassels! Don't we, everyone? Hello? Don't we, everyone?

I'd show YOU who's a shriner!

:) If I like it, I'll join. If not, I'll go solo. :)

I'm polite & kind to my co-workers, funny & sociable with my friends & family, but do not suffer fools gladly. And I need my time alone to clear my head.

I get along with others and can be quite popular in a group setting but I prefer to roll my own way.

on that mountain and not have contact with other people and do mostly okay. And, I can hook up with people, love to, and work for a common goal.

Maybe I'm just unexploded twins or something. Tassles, well, I don't know about that.

lol

Edit: Thinking about this, I actually need BOTH kinds of time. Sometimes, I really need to be solitary and other times, I really need to be around people. Hmmm. :shrug:

My professors force group work for various projects and I hate it.

But I am currently in exile. I will be starting therapy this week that is a little different. Perhaps, I will come out of exile and become social, in person, again.

Mostly a loner, but I'll join a group when the occasion calls for it.

Why? I don't know.

I just posted to you one day, and felt a little click.

So you're stuck with me, loner or not.

I have it with a number of people here.

I've at least had to become one; I'm not sure if it's actually the way of being that makes me happiest, but it's who I am at this point in my life. I'm very shy and get nervous in most social situations; I pretty much don't talk in group settings unless asked a question (unless it's a group in which I'm close to and comfortable with all of the members of) and am terrified of public speaking even if it's just standing up in front of a dozen or so people. I am competent at (and very much enjoy) talking to people one-on-one, but I'm still quite shy if it's with someone I don't know very well. Add to this that I usually don't have a whole lot in common with people (spending a lot of time with yourself and getting to know what you're interested in will do that to you) and never really feel that I fit neatly into a group or clique- and you can see why I'm a loner.

At the same time, I'm not a true loner, in that I really am not happiest totally left to my own devices. In fact, I often find myself lonely, and know that I would be at least a little more happy with my life if I had more confidence and was better at putting myself out there in social situations. I know I'm an introvert and don't want to change, but I have become shyer and more uncomfortable in social situations that I feel I really am, which is something I would like to change. Anyway, sorry if this is too much information... Maybe it's more proof I'm a loner that I've thought about this stuff to this degree!

I spend all my free time alone. I don't talk to anyone at work either. I absolutely hate small talk. I'm sure everyone thinks I'm an asshole or something, but oh well. I just don't have anything to say to them.

I just don't fit in.

Didn't with boy scouts, though I tried. The last straw was seeing someone else get a merit badge before completing a project. Especially when I was taught you have to finish it first before you can submit it, it was a confusing moment in my life...

You can imagine that I also tried group therapy and that didn't work. (The Autism support group being the one exception; I had fit in - which is ironic because the stories people were telling had me on the verge of a nervous breakdown so I had to stop going...)

I never made friends easily. I apparently made bullies, and people who played some cruel jokes on my naivety, but very rarely friends. (by 7th grade the naivety was masked by outright fear, it really was that bad.) I did have a friend in high school, and I look back on the most bizarre of incidents as a form of rough-play. I laughed in shop class when he turned the flywheel and I got a massive shock, LOL...

Even child counselors of the time noted I would always be alone on the playground; and that was long before 7th grade.

I recall the teeter-totter incident... With the 'adult' watching, the other kid (I thought a friend) got off and then I plummeted... ouch. Maybe I asked with a noteworthy sense of fear in my voice if he'd get off it gently and he just decided to get off it and revel in what he allowed to happen... nothing (I know of) happened of it, and maybe it really was an innocent case of "boys being boys" or whatever the excuse is.

I do remember, in early school, I was always a good reactionary and other people took great advantage of that. But all I learned was that it was okay for them to not learn and pick on me, but it was wrong for me to react to what they were doing. And one day I got so angry at one particular pest I threw a stapler at him. The teachers never did anything to the instigators, I was getting frustrated (I wanted to learn the best I could), so WTF. This must be a normal human thing because I've had plenty of supervisors equally nonchalant about it all too... So I learned it's bad to throw things. Fair enough. But I learned just as equally it is OKAY for people to poke and prod others into reacting, regardless of what disgusting things they start doing to get your attention... One day I'm going to have a field day with that. Actually I won't. I'm not that type of guy. Sometimes a man just has to dream.

Because I was a reactionary, and solely for that (my IQ highly outranked the neurotypical students, which is otherwise ironic), I was put into "special education". And that's when the real hell began... What was being taught was not accurate (no, there were 50 states Ms. Vetter, you twit with the pretty, long hair!), half the kids were cretins who freely peed on the floor then laughed about it (ugh)... the other half were vicious bullies. Like the little sod who was allowed to disturb me, except these bullies prefer to punch and kick instead of tapping and whispering words of various cruelty. I recall dropping my pencil and when I went to pick it up, the dickhead next to me kicked me in my front teeth. (now imagine my anger as the pigfucker, in high school, socialized and dated and everything. Why does our world tolerate such vermin?) They say there's always the middle. And it was me. Caught between an unceasing stream of piss and a real shithead.

That's all I care to say for now, and there's far far more distressing things I'm fighting not to remember right now. All I know is, I didn't ask to be molested or sexually assaulted either...

But I grew up, have prospered, and feel a relative sense of peace, even if it's lonely as hell at times. Other people don't understand my reclusive tendencies, and some of them are on DU. (so that's why I went into as much depth as I could without remembering enough of my past to get all depressed again... the past is as relevant as the present, sometimes even more so.)

I survived.

I didn't become any of those stereotypical things that's said of loners and the abused (e.g. becoming abusers themselves, becoming psycho killers, or anything else. Which is why I justly resent comments that all people who are abused in turn end up being those awful sorts of people.)

I've got a good job, am loyal, and am furthering my education.


And, oh look! I'm response #69! So let me add I don't fit in well at orgies either! :spray:

69:rofl:

but I don't join groups when I'm "expected" to do so. Like networking groups at work, stuff like that. I like to hang out with groups of my friends, but that didn't involve any joining per se. My friends tend not to be joiners either. Everyone I hang out with socially is a mutant or a martian. :D

Basically, any time anyone I don't count among my circle of friends comes up to me and says "oh, you should/must really join such and such group", I'm looking for the door.

for polite society and I really can't disagree. I've even been kicked out of a biker bar. My husband one-upped me though. He actually got kicked out of a country. (long, hysterical story)

The local Democrats are convinced I'm Beelzebub. :evilgrin:

I am a contradiction.

I also belonged to a 12 step group, went to meetings two or three nights a week, and even chaired a group for months. Whenever it was my turn to talk I could feel the heat running up my neck, and the sweat beads popping on my skin.

I am a very active committee person with the local Democratic party-- both town and county. I am good at working for candidates -- I love that entire process. Now they are pushing me to take over the town leadership role, and want me to run for office (town council or county legislator). I am passionate about my progressive issues and everyone knows that about me, and with that passion I can come off looking like I could be a leader. But, I don't know if I am a leader. If I do take on the town chairmanship I will hate the procedural parts of chairing a meeting. I can't picture me running a caucus, or using a gavel -- calling for a motion to be carried or a vote on something.

I also belong to a couple of artist's groups -- no stress with those groups, though.

I also hate big functions with lots of people. We have a Valentines Dance fundraiser (County Dem's) coming up in two weeks and that's getting me all worked up.

Thanks for this thread, Gray.:hi:

It was probably kick started with a maxim I got from my grandmother, "Let people say what they want to say, but you do what YOU want to do." Though it was primarily aimed to keep my father from pushing my life in his own egocentric fantasy directions, it also killed any effect of peer pressure.

Funny, early in my travelling years, I was very gregarious. Especially during my Israeli hillbilly kibbutz era. Then living in unfriendly Seattle, I adapted as a lone wolf.

I'm shy and I probably come off as stuck up even though I'm not.