Tips for Better Living

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not
walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk
beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a
broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're
going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the
time to do it.

4. Sex is like air...it's not important unless you
aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone
else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is
simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover
your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try
missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat &
drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause
people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the
windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a
lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold
it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome
of a rain dance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

25. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side
& a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with
women...neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much
when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

30. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things
get worse

I especially liked ....

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not
for you.

that's a good one!

...I needed it!