*whew* Big ugly fight in the libnnc household this evening...

I don't really know what to think right now, so I'm just going to vent a little.

Significant other has a very, very stressful job. She's always had a problem (as many of her work peers do) with talking about her profession to people who aren't familiar with it. She was trying to tell me a complicated story about someone she works with and apparently I didn't act interested enough for her so she blew up over dinner. Totally threw a rod. Actually, I couldn't really follow what she was saying and I looked confused in a way that she didn't like. Long story short...she threatened to "punch me in the face" the next time I "didn't have the patience enough to hear what she had to say." I saw the look on her face and I knew she meant it. She'd kick my ass into next Wednesday if she felt like it.

Fine steak dinner, totally ruined. I have nothing to say to her. Almost 15 years together and she threatens me like that.

I'm pretty numb right now.

Thoughts?

Oooh, that sounds awful...

Have you two had blow-ups like that before?

Maybe some counseling might be in order...

Or, just sit down with her when she's calm, and talk about it.

I'm so sorry...

No-one should talk like that......Especially after 15 years.

:hug:

I love ya :cry: :hug:

sorry libnnc...:hug:

fighting with loved ones ALWAYS sucks.

It might be bad if she stumbles upon this thread.

And I'm downstairs in my office. I usually sleep down here anyway.

What is her job...roughly?

Is this a pattern behavior?

Has she ever been physically abusive?

Have you tried explaining when she's calm that you don't really understand what she was saying about her work day?

confront her directly and clearly. Let her know there will not only be no hitting, there will be no further threatening of hitting. Then let her know that there will be effective therapy to help her deal with her issues.

IOW, let her know that homey don't play that shit.

(((libnnc))) sorry you're having to deal with that, I know it's frightening, but also extremely hurtful.

Being threatened like that by a loved is inexcusable IMHO.

I hope when she calms down the two of you can work through this so it never happens again.

I'm sorry that happened to you. :hug:

This may or may not have anything to do with it, but what transpired today in Virginia left a lot of raw emotion in all of us.

My son and I had an altercation tonight, too. Over something really stupid.

The physical threat was definitely crossing a line. My thoughts are with you. :hug:

have a conversation. Start with your desire to be supportive and the challenges in doing so (ala the complexity of the field and situation that you refer to). Move to a request for her giving an indication of how you could better "show" the support in a way that she could understand/get even if it isn't at the level at the moment in question that she wants. Then, after laying out the desire to be supportive in a way that she can understand even if it isn't fully in the way she wants - lay out your visceral reaction to her reaction. Lay that out on the line after you have moved past the point of putting her on defensiveness.

If after you express support first, and then express your reaction/needs, she can not engage in conversation about it including some appologies and recognition of her accountability in the relationship for her action, then it might be time to seek counseling.

We had a discussion this evening and she's decided that she wants us to separate. She says I don't listen to her enough when she talks about her work (which is a total exaggeration--like she's ever been on pins and needles listening to my scholarship?)

I've asked her to give me enough time to finish my MA and after that, I'd leave. I don't have the financial resources to leave right now. My next semester is pretty much paid for but I'll have to get either another assistantship (hopefully) or find a couple of part time jobs to finish the last semester.

After 15 years it's come to this. I just hope she doesn't change the locks on me and put all my shit out on the driveway.

I feel totally alone right now.


:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

:hug:

I'm sorry. Really, truly sorry.

:(

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Wish there was something I could do to help you.

Oh, that just sucks....

I can't do much, but I can at least give you a cyberhug, sweetie!

:loveya: :hug: :loveya:

:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I hope you're able to move on from this to a better situation, and soon. This one doesn't sound too healthy, 15 years or not. :hug:

:hug:

It sounds like a bad argument gone worse. Perhaps you should separate for the night... literally sleep on it, then talk in the morning.

At the risk of being insensitive, why is she calling the shots here? 15 years is a lifetime. You deserve better, much better.

I've always been one step away from punching in at Taco Bell. That's why grad school is so important to me. I'm trying to get the academic goods to teach at the community college level at least. I've been lucky enough to pay for most of my tuition myself.

Her family has always saddled her with the responsibility of handling all their crises. She won't say "no" to them but GOD FORBID I need anything. Her family comes first--I've always been in the periphery. She refuses to ask her younger sister to help her with their 80 year old mother who lives next door to us. I help when I can and when I'm asked. Her mom is very private and very finicky when it comes to asking for help.

It's really about money. S. O. can send her nephew two and three hundred bucks a month for college spending cash (his parents are paying for as much as they can) but when I need a little extra cash at the end of the semester she hops up on the cross. I'm a lousy housekeeper but I've ALWAYS done ALL the cooking and most of the grocery shopping. I don't understand why she has to be so unbelievably sensitive to the dumbest stuff. It's like she's not happy unless she's complaining about something.

Thanks for listening, btw.

but my husband has always made a ton more than I have. I only started to bring in a regular paycheck about five years ago. Prior to that I was raising our children.

I'm a borderline housekeeper at best. I try, but I'm not one of the Martha types. I not only prefer to spend my time volunteering, it's what I'm better at.

So, we have a cleaning lady.

And, he does the laundry. The laundry room is located outside his office door, so why not? I got over feeling guilty about that about 2 years ago.

It's less about how much you DO and more about how much you FEEL. If you are helping with her mom, that is huge. Most people won't do that for their in-laws because they have so much on their plates already.

At the risk of Bill Fristing and diagnosing you over the net, you seem as though you don't think your contributions are as valuable as hers are. Money isn't everything. In some cases, it doesn't mean shit.

I would encourage you to think about what YOU want and need. Financial aid is always available, it's more readily available than you might think and I have some resources that might help you in that regard.

Don't sell yourself short. You have contributions to make to this world and if they don't involve perfect cake baking, fuck it. Someone will always make a better cake.

:hug:

You know, I've tried to turn this around in my head. If we were a hetero couple the money thing wouldn't be an issue. Can you believe we have separate checking accounts? That was actually my idea way back when. She's such a cheapskate, I didn't want to be responsible for her money.

She doesn't think that I make enough of a contribution to our lifestyle. She has two cars less than 10 years old. I drive 16 year old rust bucket that I paid off back in '97. It's like we've always lived separate lives financially and I've always felt guilty when I couldn't make MY ends meet. But she's pissed because I don't make enough money to pay the cable bill (even though she spends as much on Starbucks and never misses it).

This whole thing is just insane.

with the relatives and that job. When she cools down, have a calm chat about RESPECT

Sounds a lot like what sent me and my SO to counseling about 10 years ago. I was skeptical that it would help, but lo and behold, it REALLY did. We really cared about each other, but there was a lot other family stuff (from both sides) pulling on us, and finances, and we contributed to the household in different ways, etc. We actually worked through most all of that and came out on the other side of it much better.

Hope things work out, and like Midlo says, DON'T DARE underestimate your contribution to relationship and to the household. :hug:

:hug: I agree with the other posters that her physically threatening you was completely out of line. Physical abuse and/or threats of physical abuse are totally inexcusable. I hope things turn out for the best for you.

I'm exhausted and have to go to class tomorrow.

As much as we disagree here on DU, I'll be damned if it isn't the greatest place in the world for healing cyber hugs and warm wishes.

Hopefully S.O. and I can work this thing out. If not, we both need to move on. With the help of friends who care, maybe I'll find my place in this world.

With great appreciation my DU Lounge friends,


good night.

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

My best wishes to you. Perhaps things will settle down in a couple of days. But I want to caution you about always being the low person on the totem pole. Heterosexual women put up with that kind of crap for decades; I was in that place myself for a lot of years until I finally realized that statistically it was impossible for me to be wrong ALL the time.

I have friends, a gay married couple, who replicate this kind of pattern and it is very hurtful. The "brilliant" and "shiny" one, and the not quite so brilliant and shiny one who is too often treated like "the little woman" of the house. Brilliant and shiny one's family also treats B. as the "little housewife." It's very painful to him. He's a professional earning good money; yet he is treated as an underling just as women were for so many decades.

Be proud, hold your ground. Whatever will be, will be and you may not be able to stop the process but perhaps you can be in a better place even so.

being attentive enough to their dinner conversation and perhaps that's just a cover story. If it really IS just about that, it doesn't sound worth saving.

You describe a relationship where the economic power inequality figures pretty large.

Anyway good look to you.

Ahem. Last week I threatened to "kill" my husband in his sleep the next time he did a series of things that right at that moment seemed completely intended to piss me off. (His actions resulted in barking dogs, screaming babies, and a grand total of 2 hrs, 40 mins of sleep for me -- I felt really bad about the threat later, after I had a nap, but at the time, I was NOT my normal loving self -- I was CRANKY!)

What your partner really said when she told you she wanted to break up was "I ALREADY FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE, SO BEING WITHOUT YOU ISN'T GOING TO MAKE ANY REAL DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE, EXCEPT MAYBE RELIEVE SOME OF MY STRESS / QUIT MAKING ME FEEL BAD WHEN YOU DON'T MEET MY NEEDS."

You said there is a lack of financial equality in the relationship, and that causes problems for the both of you. You say you feel guilty, and you obviously feel resentful, but instead of acting like "married folks" you've been acting like "roommates with benefits." If you were both happy with that, then no big deal, but obviously you aren't (and neither is she) so one of the OBVIOUS questions is "why haven't the two of you sat down and started working on your finances as if you were MARRIED?" Sending a couple of hundred dollars off to a niece/nephew is a decision both my husband and I would expect to be consulted on, and our finances are a MUTUAL discussion point (which can frequently cause fights because we have different opinions, etc. but I hope you see the point).

Another problem is that it sounds like you've got no security in the relationship (you are afraid you'll be locked out and homeless? NOT GOOD!), and that needs to be addressed. Your lack of equal financial contribution is undoubtedly a stress point -- no one likes to think they are someone's money tree (and I'm not implying that you are that type of person, but if you two aren't committed, then she's probably feeling stupid about some of the stuff she's "over committed" to the relationship).

If you two still love each other, then you do need to go to a counselor. I recommend seeing someone who uses the techniques from the Harville Hendrix books "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples." Pick up the book(s), and then be amazed! Once, when I was seriously contemplating calling things quits, we went to a counselor who was trained in the philosophy, and a reoccurring fight of nearly a decade was resolved IN FIVE VISITS -- and we didn't need to go back again. There are also weekend "can we save the relationship" workshops, and I believe there are some designed specifically for same sex couples.

I don't think you are going to actually break up, but usually these types of crisis moments are kind of necessary before an unpleasant/barely tolerable situation finally kicks itself into "MUST FIX NOW" stuff. Sometimes we say mean things to each other just because the other person is "safe" and will still love us anyways, even when we aren't being our best self.

Oh, and we had to have one more big fight about sleep (where I didn't threaten to kill him, but really thought hard about running away from home!) before we were able to find a way to problem solve the situation to something we could both live with....negative energy can be very useful, when channeled correctly!

Good luck! You can get through this! :hug:

hope the babies are letting your rest some. :)

Sorry, fellow poster.

so I'm just going to give hugs :hug::grouphug::hug::grouphug:

Love & light to you :loveya: