Got any Sven and Ole jokes, or Ole and Lena jokes? Lay 'em on me!

I am feeling homesick.

Vell, it seems Ole got himself a job as a busdriver. Sven says "So Ole, does your bus go to Duluth?" Ole says "No, No. It goes beep beep."

*-*

Ole and Sven had spent all day training their new bird dog with no success. Finally, Ole said to Sven "Yust trow him up once more, and, if he doesn't fly this time , yust shoot him"

*-*

In an apparent copycat terrorist act, terrorists Sven and Ole Binladenstrom have hijacked a Goodyear blimp. So far, they have bounced off 5 buildings.

Sven and Ole are visiting a relative in Texas. Walking along the street, they see a sign on a store front which reads:

* Suits $5.00 each
* Shirts $2.00 each
* Trousers $2.50 per pair.

Sven says to his pal, "Hey Ole! LOOK! We could buy a whole lot of dem, and ven ve get back to Minnesota, ve could make a fortune. Now ven ve go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Yust let me do all da talkin' cause if dey hear our Minnesota accent dey might tink ve are dumb Norwegians and try to raise da price. But, I can speak with a perfect Texas drawl."

They go in and Sven drawls out an order for 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each.

The owner of the shop says, "You're Norwegians from Minnesota, aren't you?"

"Uff da!" says a surprised Sven. "How'd you know dat?"

The owner says, "Cause this is a dry-cleaners."

All went well for several weeks, until one day he came home with a frightened look on his face. "Sven, what's the matter?" asked his wife.

"I almost got my unit caught in the pickle slicer. It was a close call and very scary."

"I'm so happy you're all right," said his wife.

A few days later, sven came home looking terrible. "It finally happened, he said. "I got my unit caught in the pickle slicer."

"Are you ok," asked Sven's wife.

"Yah, I'm ok, but the fired me!"

"Fired you! FOr getting caught in the pickle slicer?"

"Yah," said Sven. "They fired her too!"

Sven and Ole are sitting in the boat fishing, and nothing much is biting, and the conversation chances onto the topic of birth control, and so Sven says to Ole, "What do you and Lena do for birth control?". And Ole says "Oh we use the condom and ice cube method". And Sven says "I've never heard of that Ole, how's it work?" and Ole says "Oh, well, when I go to put the condom on, I put a couple of those little ice cubes in first." And Sven says "Yimminy Ole, isn't that awfully cold?" And Ole says "Yah sure it is Sven, but it really helps keep the swelling down."


One day ole was home alone when the lady next door came over. "Ole she said would you please do me a favor and take of my blouse for me?" Ole's face got a little red but he obliged her. "Now Olie would you please take off my skirt for me?" Once again Olie obliged her. "Ok Ole take off my panties and bra." Ole took the last two items off and tossed them aside his face now burning. She looked Ole in the eyes and said "And don't let me catch you wearing my clothes again!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Swen was standing on the street corner one day when Ole drove up in a new car. Swen asked, "Ole, where did you get the new car?" Ole answered, "I was out parking in the toolies with Lena, and she took off all her clothes and told me I could have whatever I wanted - so I took the car." Swen answered, "Well I think you made a wise choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole lay dying in his bedroom. He began to revive as he smelled the aroma of fresh lefsa wafting through the house. Ole managed to gather is strength and crawled out to the kitchen. Just as he reached for a sample of his loffy Lena's lefsa she slapped his hand and said, "No Ole, don't you know that's a for the funeral"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sven, Ole, and Lena got invitations to go to this party. The invitation said that they must dress up as an emotion. So Sven goes to his house, and Ole and Lena go to theirs. Lena goes upstairs to change, she comes downstairs all dressed in red. Ole asks Lena, "Vut are yew supposed ta be?" Lena says, "I'm red vith furry." So Ole goes upstairs to change, he comes downstairs all dressed in green. Lena asks Ole, "Vut are yew supposed to be?" Ole says, "I'm green vith envy."

Ole and Lena get a knock on their front door, so Ole answers it. There is Sven standing butt-naked with a tire around his waist! Ole says, "Vut in va vorld are vu supposed ta be?" Sven says, "I'm in da spare!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ole and Sven and dere families live in da voods & share da same outhouse. Vun day Sven comes to Ole & says, "Ole, I got some bad news, eh? Da outhouse is full up an' ve should do sometin' about it." Ole tinks fer a minit an' says, "Ya know, Sven, I don't much wanna shovel dat stuff outa dere. Ya know dat I usta verk fer da iron mines down dere in Visconsin. I usta set da charges dat vould blast da ore out. I tink I could set up a charge under da outhouse, blow all da crap outa dere an' leave da outhouse standin' pretty as ya please. "Vell, Ole," says Sven, " if you could do dat, you vould be a God!" So dey go off to get da dynamite to do da yob. Dey come back an' Ole sets da charge yust so. Sven an' Ole are stretchin' out da ignition cable into da voods and disappear behind da trees yust as Ole's vife, Lena, comes outa da house headin' fer da outhouse. Yust as she gets inside an' settles down Sven an' Ole set off da charge. BOOOOOOOM!!!! an all da mud under da outhouse goes blastin' out into da voods. Ven da dust settles dey see dat da outhouse is standin' dere yust like Ole promised. Yust den da door flies open an' Lena stumbles outa da outhouse coughin' an' beatin' da dust offa her an' mutters, "Geez, I'm glad I didn't do dat in da house!!"

LENA: I'm goin' tu da drugstore, Ole. You vant someting?

OLE: Ja, get me a ting of anti-perspirant.

LENA: Ball or aerosol?

OLE: Neider, I vant it for my armpits.

the back door, but he needs an extra hinge. He tell Lena to go down to the hardware store to get one. Tell Sven I need it for the back door, he says, Sven will know what to give you.
When Lena get to the store Sven is busy with another customer so she starts looking around. On top of a high shelf, out of her reach, she sees a beautiful teapot.
When Sven comes over to help her, she asks how much is the teapot.
A hundred dollars, says Sven. Oooh, that's alot, replies Lena.
Lena tells Sven what Oleg wants and he goes to get it.
Sven calls out to Lena, you wanta screw for the hinge?
No, Lena replies, but I will for the teapot.

:P

Watch an episode or two of The Golden Girls and see if Rose says something like "flugenhagen" or "kefluvehugen", and you're feel right at home. ;)