My Perception- Am I Wrong?

to me it seems that there is an unspoken pressure in society to "get over it" or "move on" when dealing with loss and grief.

I realize that we all do have to move on, the world doesn't stop turning because someone is grieving. There is a survival issue that's interwoven into how society deals with grief.

I guess it just seems that when one loses someone, there is a lot of hugs, support, etc. (or I should say they often is, but probably more often than I realize in my own cocoon, there is not that support) then that drops off precipitously, often as the real feeling of loss come into being for the survivors of loss.

Why am I bringing this up? Having lost my mother a year and a half ago, I have felt that this mother's day should be no big deal to me. When in fact, it seems to be hitting me harder than it did last year, a mere 6 months after she died.

So I am taking up DU bandwidth, with another thread, and just wondering what others think.

Does it seem that we as a society expect people to move on too quickly? I mean I'm not normally sitting around thinking of my mother. I miss her every day, and there are so many times I wish I could pick up the phone and call. This mother's day it seems to be weighing on me far more than normal, and in fact this month is all together. Her birthday, this month. My parents anniversary, this month. She was far from perfect, and mine and my family of origin's world revolved around her way too much. She was however, my mother, warts and all, and I love her. That was how it was though, and that person is gone. She lives on in my heart, and my head. Some things in my head need to go away! But in my heart, that's another story.

thanks

:hi:

It happens a lot, especially with death and divorce.

I'm sorry it's hitting you harder this year. :hug: :pal: :hug:

i am kinda sad tonight

:hug:

you are sad. :hug:

:hug:

all the people who circled their wagons around you during the initial loss are gone.

It does not surprise me at all that your grief is hitting you harder now than it did a year ago.

:hug:

it seems to surprise people in my life here, like i shouldn't be wrestling with this

:hug:

I'm not sure how valid that statistic is, but it just may be.

I'm sorry that you are grieving your mother. In my opinion, 18 months is not a long time to grieve someone.

no it isn't long, it just seems like there's some unwritten rule that i should be over it? but i'm not and i don't really expect myself to be, but anyway,

thanks

this mother's day, missing her mom who had died.

I said I was sorry and asked him how long his wife's mom had passed away.

"Oh, about 17 years ago she passed away," he said. "It's just hitting her hard this particular mother's day, but she doesn't know why."


So I don't think it's unusual and I do think you should embrace your grief when it hits you so you experience it. If that makes sense.

:hug: to you, southpawkicker

thanks a lot

:hug:

Loss and grief are, simply put, uncomfortable for THEM so they want YOU to get over it. Nice huh. I say everything and to each in THEIR own time, not someone else's.

My heart goes out to you this coming Mothers Day. I'm sorry that this years is hitting you harder.
I still have my mother and I can only imagine what it will be like because there are things I'm not sure i can get outta my head and that I can forgive her for but in the end she's still my mother and I love her and I know when she does go I will miss the great parts of her for a very long time.

"warts and all" man does that fit my mom..............ha ha...........I'm stealin' it:evilgrin:

Happy Mothers Day to you sweetie and for your mother too:loveya:
:hug:

yeah, warts and all!

:D

:hug:

written in employee manuals all over the country. When I went to work for an insurance company 20 years ago, I was handed the company manual and was appalled to see the "bereavement" policy. An employee who had completed a year of service was entitled to one-half day with pay upon the death of a spouse, child, parent or grandparent. If you needed more time, you could take the remainder of the day unpaid. Imagine the cold-hearted SOB's who came up with that.

I think each person should grieve in his/her own way and take whatever time they need to start to heal. I hope that the memories you have of your mom will help comfort and sustain you this Mother's Day and every day.

yeah, my company's bereavement policy is up to 3 days, but that is only if you have to travel overnight.

otherwise the funeral is it

the rest of time off is on you

my beloved Grammy passed away the day before St Patty's day 16 years ago and I get blue every March

you have other losses right now that I'm sure are magnifying your Mom's loss too.

:hug:

:hug:

yeah, magnifying is no doubt there

I'm having a tough time this year, too, and it's 20 years since my mom died. Right now I am so angry at my husband that my lips are numb. Sorry, but the reason is kind of convoluted. The day before Mother's Day is Birth Mother's Day, and when my daughter was a teenager she had a baby who was adopted, and she went to visit today, as she does every year. I mentioned to my husband that it was Birth Mother's Day, and he said, "Oh, you mean REAL mother." I said, "No." And he wouldn't shut up; he argued with me about it. It happens that my mom was not my birth mom, but she was as real as a mom can get. Add to that I was 27 years old before my parents told me I wasn't their kid. So I have some issues around Mother's Day and stupid statements like that.

I have had 20 years to miss my mom, who was far from perfect, but very real. Anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, all of those times are tough. Some years are tougher than others, and there doesn't seem to be a lot of rhyme or reason to it.

:hug:

:hug:

by people that are not able, in many cases, to understand or relate to the experiential pain of others imo, or by people that have stolen the game ball and no longer want to be seen as cheats i.e. g.w. bush and his republican party as you heard that allot, "Bush won!! Get over it!!!" and such,

knowing when to "let things go"...now there is a different matter, in a world where we are bid grieve, but return in a timely manner to the land of the living, cause this is where life is,

sorry bout your Mom, it's hard for me round father's day cause my Dad was a big influence in my life :hug:

:hug:

There is no timeline on grief and I don't know that you necessarily EVER get over the death of a parent. It's hard to say what makes it wax and wane but in my experience it does. The first birthday or the first Xmas and so on, I think they tend to be very difficult but people close to you tend to also be very supportive for that first year. The second year, you're right, there's an expectation that it shouldn't hurt as much. It just hurts differently in my experience. I'm like you in that this is an especially hard time of year -- the anniversary of my dad's death, his birthday and father's day all fall within a couple weeks of one another. It will be three years at the end of the month that he's been gone and I'm struggling not to cry as I type this.

I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. I hope you will ignore the apparent callousness of other people to your continued grief. I think what you are experiencing is completely normal, especially with the string of significant events reminding you. My experience is that, with time, the intensity of the loss doesn't necessarily decrease but the frequency of that feeling does and there are particular times of year that may always be worse than others. :hug: You have my most heart-felt sympathy.

yeah, there is no timeline on grief.

i will hope for you that the days ahead are not unbearable for you. i feel better today, and i thank DU'ers for that, and the support of friends i have.

:hug:

I lost a very significant friend many years ago (this summer it'll be 25 years, almost incomprehensible to me), and I've always marked the anniversary of his death in some way. The first few years were hellish, then it started to vary. To this day there are years when the date passes with only a few silent minutes of remembrance, and other years when it all gets stirred up again. Maybe it's the extenuating factors that make some years worse than others; I've never really tried to figure it out. But I think when someone has been part of your soul, you never entirely disconnect from them.

As to whether there's pressure to "get over it," yes, there is. It's because people are uncomfortable witnessing someone else's grief - it's too painful for them. They may not know what to say to make you feel better, or it may bring up issues of their own, and they'd prefer to look the other way. I think that's okay, actually; we all deal with our lives the way we know best. I've found it most appropriate to do my grieving/remembrance in solitude. I don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation, and I don't expect comfort or sympathy (I know I won't get that anyway). I'm just "not available" on that particular day.

and if your mother is alive the tendency if you have a relationship with her is to not want to be dragged down I guess?

i dunno, but thanks for your comments, they are very meaningful to me and heartfelt

:hug:

yes its true

Getting over a big loss takes a long time.

Years ago, a woman at my church lost her husband. It was her second husband, they were both around 60 when they met. So they had only been married for three years, but it was a very happy time for both of them even though he had cancer towards the end. Well, I knew her fairly well, but for some reason I missed the wake and the funeral, and I felt really badly about it. So I called her- about 4 months after the death and asked if I could come over and see her.

I almost didn't do it because I was afraid she might be mad at me, but honestly, I don't think she even noticed if I was at the funeral.

Well, I came over and she made me dinner... then she brought out the photo albums and started talking about him. He was into woodworking and she showed me lots of things he had made. She talked nonstop until 11:00 and I mostly just listened. I really hadn't known much about him. But the thing I realized is that I probably helped her so much just by showing up, eating, listening, and showing interest. It cost me nothing.

Grieving is a social process- it really helps to talk about it and have other people listen. Sometimes I think there should be a signup sheet at the funeral for who is going to contact this person at given intervals. The way it usually works is you get a lot of support at first and then- nothing. Everyone says "Call me if you ever want to talk" but they don't mean it and you don't do it.

When my father died (suddenly) I did go to a therapist for 9 months and I can tell you there is something about 9 months- its about how long it takes to "integrate" a major loss into your life and start feeling normal again. Anyway, the therapist I went to had just lost her mother, so she had a lot of empathy for me. But strangely, I felt like I was burdening friends.

Grief is a social process- it helps to talk/write about it.

you make some great points. it is a social process and talking and writing is good. i get to talk to some people about it, it hasn't been on my mind lately until just recently. i guess the merry month of May is just chocked full of reminders.

:hug:

:hi:

There used to be social conventions concerning grief. People actually wore mourning clothing and did it for a specified period of time. After a certain amount of time, the mourning could be lightened up with shades of pale color.

People now look upon that as rather bizarre and perhaps it is but it served a purpose - it allowed people to take the time to grieve and it communicated to others that they were grieving.

Of course, in those days, people allowed death to affect them - the body was kept at home, washed and laid out by the family and buried out of the front parlor. Death was real - it wasn't something shunted away where you couldn't really see it as it is now.

People are far more afraid of death now, it seems to me, and do whatever they can to place distance between it and them. That includes pulling away from people who are grieving and urging them to "get over it" and "move on" so they themselves don't have to ponder what loss would feel like.

The problem with this is that when people feel pressured to stop grieving, when society tells them they should be "over it," they never finish the process and are left with a lot of residual feelings that well up over and over again. Not that this doesn't happen to people who fully grieve but those of us who never got a chance to in the first place feel a lot of guilt and confusion as well.

My mom died over 30 years ago. I think about her just about every day. I miss her, I wish I knew her. I'm sorry about your loss SPK. :hug:

sorry for you too!

:hug:

a lot to think about there and you are right, we live in a society where someone like Michael Jackson and his attempts to hold onto his youth may be the extremes, but the fear of death is no doubt entrenched in our society.

thanks

:hi: