Keeping vigil tonight for daughter's stalker...

I have posted before about him...got flamed for mentioning I had posted her profile on a singles site without the picture. I said this guy was a loser and nobody realized I was serious I guess.

So last night he began calling me on MY phone asking if she was home. I was totally asleep and said no.
At 3:30 am I received a call from my daughter saying he was threatening her and said she was afraid to come home as he said he was here at my home waiting for her. I gave her the number for the police and they came out and searched the premises. He HAD been here and removed her new bike from the backyard and put it at the beginning of the driveway. I don't know if he was hoping she would drive over it or if he was just leaving a "message" that he had been here.

After making sure he was not around, they escorted her home.
This morning I received about 10-15 vile phone calls from him on my land line and she received more on her cell than I did.

Also this morning I found out that he also visited a rental property I own and tried to break in. My poor tenant had just moved in the previous day and is very alarmed at this.

The police say we have the choice to have him arrested for harrassment or obtain a restraining order.

She is spending the night at a friends home tonight although her vehicle is here at our home. I am here alone and don't quite know what to expect. I think I will spend the night downstairs and have my gun handy.

Opinions please?

and get a restraining order. You can have both. Police arrest, but it's a judge who signs the restraining order.

Also, since you're hanging out waiting to see if the jerk shows up, put in a call to your phone company and find out about filing a complaint re: harassment calls, and if he has a cell phone and you know the provider, you lodge a complaint with them and let them know you will be reporting this to the police and the FCC. Using the phone as harassment is against the law.

Also, your daughter's provider should be notified.
here's a site that tells more about that:
http://www.privacyrights.org/fs/fs2a-cellcalls.htm

This guy thinks women are beneath him. Were I you, I would not be there tonight. He sounds very dangerous...cowards like him can be real wild cards.

If he calls, DO NOT ANSWER! Let all messages and times be recorded as a manner of documentation.

If you have a friend that can come over, call them now. If you have a friend who will lend you a dog, borrow the pooch.
I know I have friends I can call any time, day or night, if needed. Hope you do, too :hug:

If the guy does anything to your property and/or possessions, PHOTOGRAPH everything.

I don't have anywhere to go at this hour but the police dept is less than a mile away.

All my flood lights are on outside, damn the electricity costs as I don't care right now.

The police already are calling it harassment, at least to my phone. Unfortunately, my daughter called him back to tell him to stop calling so they kind of dismiss the harassment since they are calling each other. She knows not to call back now...for any reason.

I will print out your message from here and hopefully, she will have the fortitude to do the right thing to stop this.

I really, really appreciate your reply as I am not used to this sort of thing and how to handle it.
I never watched the Jerry Springer show and am not familiar with that ilk.

So, you have the right to request a restraining order, and can have him arrested for setting foot on your property at anytime, restraining order in place or not. He has been informed to stay off your property, and, if you can prove it, he has tried to enter your rental property.

Good luck! Keep posting here tonight. There is always someone here in the Lounge that will chat with you :hug:

He needs to feel safe in his home and although it may just be a coincidence that something happened there when it happened at my own home, I suspect it was my daughter's ex.

I never had this kind of experience when I was dating so many years ago so this is foreign to me.

I told the police that my issues should be separate from hers since I have never called him back. I want my own restraining order to keep him off my properties (including the rental).

It is raining here right now, so that might deter him from dropping by.

I think Whoa has good advice above

I too am worried about you staying there. Are you good with a gun? Shooting at targets is not the same as shooting to defend yourself. I am not trying to say I think you should or shouldn't have a gun, that's your business. I'm just concerned about your safety. Things can change really fast, murky at night too.

I'm sorry you are in such a shitty place because of an asshole who is obviously warped in the head in some way. He does sound at least to be a real wild card as to dangerousness. Stalkers often have a kind of paranoid/jealousy thing going that can blow into such a rage that it can be very unpredictable.

Please be careful.

:hug:

Time will take care of this and I realize that rationally. After about a month, he will probably cool his heels.

Luckily, he is not on drugs as that can be such a wildcard as well.
He won't even eat microwaved food or take a pill for a headache...if he were on drugs, I would definitely not even be sleeping here.

He is just outraged that she is seeing another man. He considers her his property.
I am the bad guy because I am protecting her.

I really appreciate your concern as I am feeling rather alone right now. I do know the number for the police by heart now.

I really hope my tenant does not have to endure another night of terror. I need that income to make the mortgage payments and it would really be horrible for all concerned. Mainly, he has nothing to do with her and has never even met my daughter. It is all to hurt me because he knows I shelter her.

Stalkers/abusers cycle in behavior and may only appear to have backed off. Only 2% of the population with this type of personality make changes in their behavior through counseling and treatment.

He may cool his heels over your daughter once he finds a new target/girlfriend, but he may never forget the "hurt" he experienced with her, and the need to hurt her directly or by targeting you to get to her. And, if he feels slighted again in the future by someone else, he may revisit targeting you daughter and/or you.

Sure hope you can get charges against him and get a restraining order for both you and your daughter.

Will be checking in through the night to see if you've posted more. Am here for PM if you need. :pals:

Will be thinking thoughts of safety for you and yours tonight.

the fact that he is so possessive and acting this way without drugs, is equally scary to me.

Terror is what is happening, he is terrorizing your tenant and you. He is terrorizing your daughter. All of your lives have been disrupted by his terror.

The fact that he sees you as the one protecting his "property" is not good either.

Please be very careful.

:hug:

Obsessive people do not "cool their heels".

If he is fixated on your daughter he will not stop until he is stopped, probably by the police.

You have give sufficient grounds to fear for her safety. You need to take out a restraining order and as soon as he violates it (which won't take long) have him locked up.

she can go stay with for a while. Preferably somewhere far far away. And don't tell ANYONE where she is. No one. period.

get the restraining order

have him arrested for every act of terroristic threatening, or whatever he can be charged with.

and good luck:hi:

And do it now, OK?

Redstone

show no mercy and don't let him in ever, ever, ever.

I have to say that I agree what you originally did. Even though it may look like to many an invasion of your daughter's life, sometimes you have to save someone from their own stupidity. Sometimes in life you may not get a second chance to be wrong. I have a friend who adopted a child several years ago. The mother is a college grad who got involved with a violent gang-banger. Somehow I believe that this mother would've appreciated a Mom such as you butting in before her daughter was messed up in the underworld.

I wonder if the flames were from those who could see parallels between theirs and your daughter's lives and the similarities were too close for comfort.

As for advice, Whoa-Nelly has it.

You wanted to find her a boy that sucked less.

Yeah, Dude #1 sucks ass... Why did you want to replace him with a random from the tubes?

Sucked less is an understatment.
If you were aware of all the police reports on this guy, you might understand.
It was done to divert her attention in a positive way.

Once you are the father in a situation such as this, you can talk to me. Until then, you don't know what it is like.

let that go for now

your situation is too important to be distracted by stuff like that :pals:

there's always later to address that stuff.

and I believe that you are in fact doing things that you believe to be in the best interests of your daughter, and who am I or anyone else to say what is or isn't right.

but stay focused...

People get by just fine without a cock.

I don't see why she can't be single and take the time to pick her proper mate.

not paying attention to the fact that digit is dealing with something of a crisis and you want to talk about the other shit

:grr:

She needs to take action in the real world. My mom does the same shit... She thinks her chat room will solve all of her problems... It won't, you need to see the doctor.

and there is no one there yet for the cops to do anything about

she's talked to them about her options

her daughter is elsewhere

she isn't your mother- at least i don't think?

I don't have the impression that she thinks the chat room will solve her problems

her problems are real way beyond the chat room which is why I asked about bringing up the computer dating stuff from the other day, as that, while related to this peripherally, is not something that seemed helpful to the situation.

I would feel better if she weren't there depending on herself, a gun, a phone for the police, and online friends helping her to figure out how to deal with some asshat who is in all likelihood a dangerous person.

That is her situation though.

I can't control what you do or don't post. It would be more helpful to come up with suggestions instead of going on about the daughter not needing a man.

I just happen to be in the location where he thinks she MAY be, which is home. I am a target as well as my daughter.
No, a chat room will not solve my problems, nor am I naive to think it might.

Perhaps another thread on another subject might be appropriate about now for you.

I feel pretty calm right now. All my outside lights are on....the police are blocks from my home and are aware of the situation.

Be calm, that is good.

I can't understand why someone would barge into your thread like they did and start flaming... I'm forever amazed by people. :shrug:

she's got enough on her mind without dealing with this.

Not only with advice, but to be here if something happens during the night.

He has been formally warned by the police to have no contact with me or my daughter. He is still calling my daughter on her cellphone, which she is not answering.

Still, it is a great comfort to know I have my DU community to turn to.
Yes, I have the police closeby, too, but althought vigilant, I feel comforted knowing I can just post if I have a concern.

I love you guys and gals!


:hug:

You are one of the good people!

I know that your story here, and the thread the other day speak to me of your great and grave concern for your daughter.

I'm also concerned for you.

Please make sure all your windows and doors are locked, and if you have a security system that it is on.

If he shows up don't try to even talk to him, call the cops, get to a place of greatest safety and be ready to defend yourself if need be, but most importantly move away from him and I will hope that he stays the hell away from you :grr:

This kind of stuff pisses me off, not you, but him. It's bullying in it's worst and most dangerous form.

:hug:

No, I won't open the door, I won't reason with him....the cops are my protection.

If I were to see a stange car parked in front of my home, I will call the police.

I don't tolerate this kind of crap. I may be small, being only 4'11", but I am a mom defending her young one.

I'm on your side!

sounds like you got a plan!

:pals:

hang in there and we got yer digital back!

We're worried about you.

;(

Has anyone heard from her?

I am fine, my daughter is fine.
I slept on the couch last night and when morning came, I crawled up into my own comfy bed.
I slept until noon which I NEVER do, but I guess I was emotionally drained.

I am feeling rather optimistic since he is not harassing me or my tenant. He is still calling my daughter tho, but not leaving voice mail.
Her "new" friend came over tonight with his two young daughters and I cooked them all dinner.

He is a much more decent fellow...I don't know how they met.

The police are on top of this and are continuing to follow up. It gives me alot of relief.

Thank you so much for your concern.

Oh, and all my outside lights are on again tonight.

are okay.

Still - a little trip for her out of town might not be a bad thing.

See #45, below.

She finally checked in, just now.

:hi:

it rather well, what with getting the cops involved, and having your daughter stay somewhere else.

As others have said, we're here for you. Hope this problem goes away very soon. :hug:

Document his actions, contacts with the police (names dates etc), get copies of police reports, etc.

Once your daughter (or you) gets the order for protection, every one of his calls is a violation of the order.

Also, please take care. Stalkers and abusers escalate in their behaviors very quickly. I don't want to alarm you with links, but there have been very tragic situations because people put to much faith in abusers getting bored or not being dangerous.

:hug:

But statistically, this is the behavior that leads to him seriously hurting someone, or killing someone. He does not see you as people, just things, so he will have no problem doing all manner of harm to you psychologically or physically.

I will echo what the others have said:

Do NOT EVER EVER EVER EVER be alone with him, talk to him, have any contact with him. NEVER.

Record all instances of contact, or supposed contact, or even when you felt the wind change. It could all be important.

Follow police advice. Arrest him. Get the restraining order. I do not know about the laws where you live, but where I am you can do both, in fact here once you are arrested for this, the restraining order is automatic.

Once you have a restraining order, doubly do NOT speak with him or accept contact with him. That weakens the restraining order, or at least the police's willingness to enforce it.

Speak with a local domestic violence hotline. They may have more specific advice or other steps you can take to care for yourself. If you want me to find them for you, please just PM me.

Lastly, find folks who are supportive and lean on them right now. Hell let them carry you. He is also abusing you right now, and you will need all kinds of support and love to get through this hard time.

I wish you lots of luck and love in dealing with this. It is a nightmarish situation, and there are few easy answers to deal with it. But please check in often so we know you are OK.

your way.

Lots of protective vibes are coming your way!

:hug:

Digit you okay?


:hi:

People were not disagreeing with your concern about HIM; people were disagreeing with the action you took in posting your daughter's profile on a dating site.

If the police are telling you that you have a case for a restraining order, get one. The sooner, the better.

Edited to add - document everything. Every little thing, even if it seems insignificant. Get a paper trail going.

A restraining order won't do anything to stop him. Having him arrested will be a temporary fix. I am not advocating ANYTHING but you know what I am saying..........

Sounds like this dirtbag needs to be put down. Nobody should have to live in fear like your daughter is right now. He is nothing but a low down terrorist.

action you and your daughter take, will shake this guy up, and he chooses to leave both of you alone.

Sending prayers and strength. This definitely is a scary situation.

Now!
This guy is off his rocker.

Who knows what he'll plan next time.

Neither you, your daughter, nor your tenant should
live in fear of this guy.

Unfortunately, restraining orders don't faze total whack-jobs like him.
But get one,anyway.

Good luck and keep us posted.

:pals:

Edit: Get the restraining order, too.
and some pepper spray!

:hug: I had a stalker in the 80s when I was in college, and although it never got to the point that it has with your daughter, it scared the hell out of me. He was arrested for stalking another college student, so that got him off the street. If I'd been able to, I'd have had him arrested, but thankfully it happened anyway.

As you well know, this is not something to take lightly. Your daughter (and possibly you and anyone else she loves) is in danger. :pals:

with these situations.

(((((((((((((((Digit and family))))))))))))))))))))


/sorry for the misnaming

I'm a lawyer, and in law school I interned at a legal services agency and represented plaintiffs in protection from abuse actions. These gentlemen (and it is mostly guys, although there are some female perps) want control over their women at all costs and will do anything to maintain it. I know it's painful to leave one's home, but if it comes to that, value your safety and that of your daughter first and foremost. I had a client murdered by her ex-husband because he just couldn't face the fact that she had rejected him. Although the court order took his guns away, he killed her with a butcher knife (and then himself) after waiting for her in her backyard.

I don't mean to scare you - just know that if this guy's as agitated as he sounds he could do anything. Don't worry that getting him arrested or restrained will make him angry - he needs to be punished for his behavior. But you need to stay on top of things as well. It sucks that that's the way it is.

Has she changed her cell phone number?

If he damages property, take lots of pictures. Document the times of every call you guys receive. If he emails or IMs her, tell her to save those, as well. If you ever have to go to court, you'll likely need that evidence against him to get enforceable orders.

Best of luck to you - I'll keep you in my thoughts, and please keep us apprised.

I'm a PI and I have done "stalker jobs" for a while. Police get tired of answering calls, but I like to document them violating a standing restraining order and then turn them into the police. I also do "protection jobs" as well.

So...once you get the restraining order, my advice to you is "document, document, document". Talk pictures of him whenever he comes by and let him know that you are doing it. Invest in a cheap camcorder and ALWAYS carry a disposable camera with you, in the event that he should do something.

If you need anymore help, please let me know...I'm a pro.

It is not like they get put away for a long time, right?

Where does it cross the line and you piss the guy off so much he wants to take more drastic measures?

I'm sure they are locked up for a good amount of time.

This guy sounds like he needs to be institutionalized.
He's mentally unbalanced and potentially dangerous.

In PA they could be arrested and jailed or held in civil contempt.

Again, document, document, document.

It really spooked me, but then I turned off the light in the bathroom and peered through the blinds and saw it was a cop car.

They wanted to know if her ex was still calling her (he was), and wanted to know what she wanted to do about it as in restraining order or arrest.

I called my daughter's cell and let the lady officer leave the message.

I appreciate all of the concern. I had not really considered how dangerous this situation could be until all of you great people filled me in. Scary, yes, but I don't want to be too naive, either.

Once my daughter says which way she wants to go, I will know what my next step will be.

It may be rocky for a time, but I believe that time will make him find yet another victim and he will forget about her.

I'm glad the PD is helping you!

A lot of us are worried about you, Digit,
so please stay safe!

-- and get some pepper spray, please!

:hug:

:hug:

I'd wondered about you all day and someone pm'd me that you had posted (thanks Kajsa) so I'm glad you are well :hug:

:hug:

I would do both...

One is for your legal protection, but when the police feel they already have enough grounds to arrest - take it. A restraining order for someone like that is nothing but paper, and it gives you both a false sense of security. No one is going to monitor him, but you yourselves. You don't want him at your door. Can you change phone numbers?
And make sure they will give you details about the victim/witness program. Your state should have one, so does the federal gov't. He may not be in there long, so ask what else they can do (PD)


:hug:

Radio Shack used to make a microphone you could suction-cup to a phone to record both sides of a conversation. You can also buy more dedicated recorders that are sound-activated and plug right into a phone line.

Now would be an excellent time to change the locks in your house and to document with a digital camera your home's interior, exterior, and landscape, as well as the condition of your car(s). The same applies to your daughter's place as well. Email the pictures to yourself, so you can access them remotely and they cannot be destroyed or lost if, say, something tragic happened to your computer.

It would be a good idea to arm yourself when in public, and until something definate happens, perhaps while in the house, too. A pocket folding knife and/or pepper spray is a good start. You can also get a stun baton or stun 'brass' knuckles like these...

http://www.sportsmansguide.com/cb/cb.asp?a=347620

950,000 volts of "maybe you should be someplace else" power, easy to apply and damn hard to take away. There are more here:

http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/browse/browse.aspx?c=20&s=580
http://www.sportsmansguide.com/net/browse/Browse.aspx?c=20

If you already know how to use a gun, then go for it. If you don't, now is not really the time to learn. Confronting a stalker with the price tag still dangling from the trigger guard will most likely wind up hurting you a lot more than you'll hurt him.

Pretty much in that order. You will both need professional support of some variety to recover from this (and keep it from happening again).

and file charges on everything you can. That's so scary. I'm begging you please keep safe and please follow through because even if you're safe this is the kind of creep that will find another victim. :hug: Is there somewhere else you guys can stay where he won't find you?