somewhat serious relationship question

it's a long post but I need your informed and quite intelligent opinions, but please do not judge (yes, cheating is wrong). Say you meet someone, you fall head over heels in love, but you're young (early 20s) and you don't know what you really want and then you go your separate ways. Say that 5 years later one of you is married (but unhappy) and the other is single; you discover that neither you nor your 'friend' have forgotten or gotten over one another. You hook up. You, the married party, move out of state. The other person is sad you left. Then about a couple of years later, the other person also gets married and sends you an e-mail with a bunch of info about the new spouse, including the new address, what the spouse does, what the spouse's name is (!). You wish that person good luck. You go on with life, but not a week goes by that you don't think about this person. Eventually, you finally decide you want to leave your spouse and return to the old state (note that this has nothing to do with the other person).

Then, you e-mail your old friend, 6 years later, and not only does that person reply to you but, in the very first e-mail, admits that s/he has never gotten over you, that s/he keeps thinking about you and that s/he is having some marriage problems. You then decide to meet in person and yadda yadda yadda (yes, I know it's cheating). You occasionally yadda yadda yadda when the opportunity arises. You then get a job in the same town where this other person works. This person is happy that you are moving there; in fact, this person helps you find an apartment. You have finally decided to split from your current spouse because you have the balls to take the necessary steps (note that this step was taken in complete independence from this other person's involvement).

Then, this person, out of the blue and totally impromptu, tells you that even though s/he is crazy about you s/he can't leave the spouse because of a list of material things (not kidding!)... a nice house, jacuzzi, boat, cars, etc. all in the spouse's name. You eventually discuss the fact that sooner or later you will have to stop all communication again, because the other person is too chickens&*t to take the necessary steps to be happy and would rather be in a miserable marriage with all the toys than take the step of leaving the spouse to be with the one s/he truly loves. This person also tells you that if you had stayed the time you hooked up in 2001 that 'our lives would be different and we would be happy.' This person tells you s/he can't stop thinking about you. This person has never cheated with anyone else and let's assume, for the post's sake, that s/he is indeed genuine.

The question/dilemma would be... would you let karma catch up to this person or would you help karma along by letting the spouse know, only because you're sick and tired of this person pretending to be something s/he is not? Married to a person who is very needy and clingy and so straightlaced and 'prim and proper' (that person's words) that s/he can't be her/himself. Yet, that's what s/he feels s/he must do, out of 'loyalty' and 'commitment.' In other words, there is no happy ending to this sad story that has gone on for well over 11 years. ... oh, and this is for a friend. Let's just say that this friend is particularly irate and tired of the hypocrisy exhibited by this person.

are you?

that the person could certainly assist karma. but no, i have no control over karma.

i would get away from the situation and, stay away from the person.

karma 'induced' by one human on another is not karma, it is vengeance.

(or, as the good book say, "vengeance is mine, sayeth the lord")

That is why when I get in a sticky situation I pull my energy the h*ll out of there, I know karma will have it's way in the end, and I don't want to have anything to do with it, no sir, no how...otherwise there will be blowback (i.e. karma) on me.

good to see you :hug:

and that vengeance shouldn't be a part in her happiness, i understand she wants to strike out and hurt him but ultimately it won't help her, sure it may feel good for about a minute but then the feeling will pass. He isn't a part of her life anymore and for that she should look at it as a lesson learned and be grateful he isn't her problem anymore--imho.

I would accept that the married person was a coward and that I wasted a lot of time and perhaps been used, then I would cut off contact and move on. Informing the spouse would just be deliberately hurting an innocent party for revenge...

"you" should drop all contact with s/he.

If "you" tells the spouse, maybe the spouse will shoot "you" - wouldn't that be a karmic irony.

You should also post your question on this forum:

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/index.php

This situation will follow its own path to its own
foregone conclusion.

Interfering in any way will only delay the inevitable, and create
new "sub-situations" that no one will derive anything positive
from.

:hi:

I should bookmark that post, so I can come back and
look at it every time I post something really stupid!

Okay, okay...not EVERY time. I should reserve it for
only the MOST stupid occasions, and limit myself to
only 4 or 5 reviews a day.

and quit trying to control or manipulate the situation.

Sounds like they are trying to weigh a fear of being financially unstable against a desire to be with a person they have strong emotional feelings for.

Neither one of those is a "wrong" position to take. They are basic emotions, and it's not your place to decide which should be more important.

Some people would say it's unethical to stay in a marriage if you don't feel strongly for the spouse anymore. Others would say it's unethical to walk away from a commitment. If your friend walks away, I guarantee they'll be another group of people standing around waiting for karma to smack him/her on account of that, just like there's people waiting for karma to hit if your friend stays.

If the friend leaves the marriage, then the other person they like decides in a few months, oh, no, this isn't what I want after all and decides to walk, how stupid is your friend going to feel if some medical crisis comes up, they can't work, they can't afford medical care, and they don't have a spouse to fall back on? Some people aren't happy knowing they could be living that close to the edge.

It sounds like a very unhappy person trying to deal with crap circumstances. I imagine it's incredibly stressful, and it sounds like they have enough sense not to believe in fairytale endings. Why make them even more miserable by running to tell the spouse? I don't really think much of trying to control other people like that. It's their decision to make, and even if the other person here is head over heels in love with them and believes they would make the other person incredibly happy - they aren't entitled to that person in their life. None of us get to demand that another person spends their life with us, even if we really really want them to do it.

None of us get to demand that another person spends their life with us, even if we really really want them to do it.

thank you...

RL

At the time (I was 18), it seemed like a cold and callous thing to say but, eventually, I realized that she was speaking the truth - it takes more than emotional attraction to sustain a relationship.

Affairs involving at least one married spouse rarely end up well; someone's always going to be hurt, maybe devastated.

mikey_the_rat

wife for you. So, to get revenge, you want to completely ruin this other woman's (who did nothing wrong to you, BTW) life? Do you really need to ask this question?

Drop that loser immediately, keep your mouth shut, and find someone who is worthy of you.

Don't tell the spouse, don't try to exact vengeance in any way.

Back off from this person, and don't have anything else to do with him/her.

"The best revenge is living well."

It's the person. Write THEM a letter and/or email telling them how this has made you feel. How disrespected and hurt, how using your feelings as a you-yo at their convenience makes you feel.

Hey, if they love their material things more than you, consider than more than a red flag: consider it a gift that you now know this and move on. You will be happier. Just give yourself time to heal, abacus it will take at least a few months, maybe more.

-Write it down as a learning experience

-Don't be a rat

-carry on with life

:hug:

:hi:


Am always amazed by people who SAY they have chosen to end a relationship, and then KEEP it GOING through vengeful and petty BS.

Absolutely a great response, dear, Inchie o'mine! ;)

"then KEEP it GOING through vengeful and petty BS."

Because the situation has to be painful. I think I understand the need to burn that bridge and burn it to a crisp -- make it so that you can't go back and all that. I would suggest that the better course of action would be to resist that urge. In the long run I don't think it would make anyone happy. I think your friend should move, change phone number and never, ever under any circumstances communicate with the chickenshit again. Heartache sucks but telling the wife won't make the heart ache any less.

so the person having an affair wants to get back at the person they were having an affair with b/c they decided not to leave their spouse. What goes around comes around i guess!

I think if i left my hubby for another man and he decided he didn't want out of his marriage, that karma was catching up with ME(deservingly)!

I once fell in love with a man who was separated from his wife but not divorced. He got back together with her and I was left hanging. He ended up divorcing her six months later and he moved on with someone else. I have a keen memory of how much that hurt to really believe that someone loves you only to have them be afraid to follow through.

I'm not going to be judgmental because I believe that when you make a wrong choice you still feel pain and you still deserve redemption and happiness.

Both people played games that were unfair to each other and to their spouses. Regardless of whether the one really believes that they left their spouse "in complete independence from this other person's involvement," that's a big stretch and probably not true, even if that person can't see it. Obsession with someone else for years WILL take a toll on a marriage.

The party in question needs to walk - no, run - away from this toxic situation and figure out why they would allow themself to be drawn into it in order to avoid doing anything remotely similar in the future. Leave the "friend" and the wife alone - all they know about that wife is what they've been told which has a liklihood of being about as true as everything else they've been told.

Don't think this is any kind of unique situation - happens every day.

This person is cheating on his/her spouse. They are using the person they are cheating with and they are abusing their spouse. To believe their description of the person they are abusing is naive at best.

Your suggestion of "helping" karma along by telling the spouse is really just an attempt to validate getting what "you" want. The spouse is the only person in this mess who has (presumably) done nothing wrong.

Re: the person staying in the marriage out of "loyalty and commitment", - sorry but you said it yourself in the post - they're not staying for loyalty and commitment, they're staying due to material things.

If said person is intent on remaining with their spouse, get as far away from the two of them as possible. Nothing good will come from meddling, particularly if done out of vindictiveness.

These two people aren't doing each other any good, just hurting each other in different ways.

Instead of this being a relationship with another person, how would it be handled if it was an addiction? If it helps any, try to look at it from that point of view.

JMHO...telling the spouse? Bad move.
Yes, it may provoke a crisis and bring things to a head, but the outcome may not be the one hoped for...e.g., 'Prim and Proper' decides to take a hike. "Married" may be so angry at "Unmarried" for rocking the boat that their 'friendship' goes out the window.

And again, JMHO...waking up the Karma Beast and saying "Sicc em!" is a really good way to get it to come back on you down the road. Let karma work itself out...although the gods know it's tempting.

Some tough but important questions: Is this what your friend truly wants? Will your friend be satisfied with this five years from now? Ten?
Doesn't look like "Married" needs to make any changes...got everything on his/her own terms.

Sometimes you need to cut your losses, accept there ARE people you 'will never get over'...and just move on.
Yep, BTDT.
Your friend probably deserves much better than this.

And to themselves...

I'd drop it...you're both in the wrong.

Your friend has received some very good advice in this thread and I hope s(he) considers it all.

Your friend needs to know that s(he) chose this person for a reason. Too often, I think, people choose a married person because they don't really want fulltime commitment. It takes some soul-searching to see that, but I will almost bet that if "married' left the prim and proper spouse, "unmarried" would not be ready to assume fulltime relationship status with "married."

"Unmarried" would probably start to feel the same pressures - with a fulltime partner - that led to "unmarried" dumping the first partner in this story.

Your friend needs to work on him/herself, to find fulfillment in being single and pursuing personal interests. When your friend is whole, s(he) will be ready for a "whole" relationship.

Sometimes it seems that there is only one person in the world for you, and you start to obsess about them because you feel you are losing "everything." But I never understood how someone could obsess over that person's current partner. Your friend may want to lash out at the clueless spouse, to "get even" for getting to keep "married," or out of a sense of not feeling as good as the spouse that "married" chose over her/him.

These are destructive thoughts that keep your friend from healing and moving on.

Let go and build a real life, based on real experiences and authentic people and stop trying to "fix" what hurts by hurting someone else. That's what i would tell this person...

My $.02