Wedding etiquette question

Is it common for the bride/bride's family to tell the groom's mother what color she can wear to the wedding?

I don't know why you're asking but lots of unique situations happen in any wedding

I don't mean that in a rude way, but with the other circumstances involved, it could be indicative of what the groom is in for.

but it's pretty common for the mothers to coordinate their wardrobe.

With all the 'zillas at weddings these days the common practice may not be the proper one.


I think the general etiquette is that the groom's mother follows the lead of the bride's mother in choosing a dress that complements the mother of the bride's in style and color as well as complement the color of the bridesmaids' dresses. In other words, the groom's mother is expected to take her cue from the bride's mother, but not necessarily have a color dictated.

I guess I meant is it common enough that it is considered proper etiquette.

Not that I insist on proper etiquette at functions, but telling someone who is not one of the bridesmaids or groomsmen what to wear was new to me.

No.

It is somewhat common, however, for the two mothers to wear colors that are NOT the bridal party colors AND the mother of the bride gets to pick her outfit first, and then can POLITELY let the mother of the groom know what color she (mother of bride) is wearing.

For the mother of bride to TELL the mother of groom what color she is allowed to wear is diva wedding bullshit in the extreme, and I would warn my son against marrying because, if the bride's mother is that much of a controlling bitch, her daughter might very well be, too.

The 2 moms are in different states and from what I hear, the mother of the groom was just TOLD what color to get. I'm neither of the moms involved (but I am in the family) and my gut feeling was that the bride (who I have not met) is going overboard.

I'm both impressed by and frightened of your continued demonstrations in the DU lounge of your masterful knowledge of etiquette. :rofl:

:7

and the older I get, I realize more and more just how important and necessary etiquette really is, and how it isn't about "classism" or "controlling others' behavior" or other bogus bullshit arguments that many here at DU like to toss around.

And thanks! I'm glad I am not going unnoticed!

It's not about classism or snobbery, it's about behaving like a civilized human being.

:thumbsup:

while still remaining civilized. :)

If they want to discuss and coordinate, fine, I don't have a problem with that either, but it's hardly UNcivilized for women to decide for themselves what color wardrobe to wear.

Perhaps you should re-read (or just read) Rabrrrrr's post.

I wouldn't say, though, that arbitrary etiquette is necessary or important, or a sign of being civilized. I question the real meaning of "civilized" as a concept.

When I worked for the army, there was a LTC who was sometimes quite nice, but also a RW ass, politically. At one point he was telling me he was proud he knew the rules of etiquette, things like if there's a silver bowl inside the front door of where you are visiting, you should drop your calling card in it. I remember him clearly saying that's the sort of thing that made him a "gentleman." Knowing to drop a card in a bowl.

Now me, my values are different than his, and I think this is part of why I'm not a republican. I don't think it's gentlemanly to drop a calling card in a silver bowl. I think it's gentlemanly to not cut welfare for the poor. Likewise, I don't think it's uncivilized to not tell someone what color they are supposed to wear. I think it's uncivilized not to recognize that this is about two people starting a life together, not about the $25,000 ceremony where perfection is measured by consumerism and whether everyone bought new matching outfits.

Actually, the more I think about it, maybe that does define "civilization." Manicured lawns, private transportation, designer clothing, putting on a show of keeping up with the Joneses, that all seems to be part of being civilized.

What would being civilized look like, if it didn't involve buying clothes in the "right" colors for a wedding if you already had something that was otherwise suitable in your closet? If we threw out every notion of etiquette that involved, in some way, gendered roles and unnecessary consumerism, how would you envision "being civilized"?

Congratulations, then. That's one of the grandest leaps of logic I've seen in awhile.

Nobody is telling anybody what color to wear--what Rabrrrrr is referring to is polite social protocol.

Rabrrrrr has already answered the definitions point in a post just below this one, so I'll leave it at that.

Comparing that term to republican policies, vs. using it to denote rules of etiquette.
Not equating etiquette with republican policies. That's funny. :D

Civilized ought to mean having compassion for people, and having policies that take care of people.
It shouldn't mean able to follow the rules of etiquette.

I don't think rules about who wears what or who starts that conversation is "important" or "necessary," but it was mainly that one word "civilized" that really hit me the wrong way. It's not a word I'm particularly fond of. There's a good rant on it here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/stan-goff/civilization-war-rant_b_41699.html

Macro v. micro applications of that word, lwfern. Or, in other words, apples and oranges.

on the historical implications of the word "civilized." :)

In fact, we're pretty much all arguing exactly that point - people have the right to pick out their own clothes.

I don't see where you are finding the exact opposite being said.

:shrug:

Perhaps if you could point it out?

Sometimes it gets too complicated but really doesn't it all boil down to being considerate of one another and trying to make people feel comfortable? That's classy not classist imho.

It's about putting oneself second, and acting as though the other person is more important.

That's all it really comes down to.

I'm fascinated by etiquette too. The current Emily Post has this to say about the mother of the groom attire:


http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/momsplanner/tips/what_to_wear.htm

Note that it states some practical reasons for certain choices, like how everyone will look in the photos.

is an effort to help others feel comfortable, much as being polite and kind.

I also saw it as nothing but a pile of silly, stuffy rules when I was young.

So when it comes down to the OP's question, I think the proper thing to do, when it comes to etiquette, is to have the bride's mother talk to the groom's mother about how they both feel about dressing for the wedding, and find a way to come to agreement about something they're both comfortable with. Dictating one's preferences is not "proper etiquette".

and your answer is spot on. Styles and tastes may change over the years, for example it was at one time terrible for the Bride or Grooms mother or the bridal party to wear black, but now it's considered vogue so if the mothers want to wear the colors of the bridal party, it's up to them. That being said, the mother of the bride is expected to tell the mother of the groom what color she is wearing AND the length of the dress so that the mother of the groom can plan her outfit accordingly.

The whole point of etiquette is to give people some general guidelines to follow in given situations so that the participants are at ease. They are not to be used as a bludgeon against others to show superiority. Anyone who uses the rules of etiquette in this fashion has broken the primary rule, and that is to never make your guests feel uncomfortable.

bridal party. Not the same cut of dress or anything, but the color--or a color near them. In fact, my own mother wore a color rather close to royal blue (my color). Looked nice. I've seen this at a lot of weddings.

dress before my mom. Was that indicative of what a manipulative beyotch she was? You betcha.

In 'ordinary' polite circumstances the m-o-g calls the m-o-b and asks what she's wearing.

her MIL and I talked about what we were going to wear, but there was nothing said at all about what color we had to wear.

Unless the person being told is part of the "wedding party" proper, and needs to coordinate. I would never go to a wedding where someone told me what to wear. That's ridiculous and the groom should not marry that woman - it will only get worse from there. Tell them to call the wedding off immediately. Seriously. It would be a bad marriage.

But I'm not in a position to tell the groom anything, really.

Once I went to a wedding where the bride didn't even pick out the bridesmaids' dresses - she just told them a color. That way they all got dresses that looked good on them and they still looked coordinated and nice.

absolutely NO formal attire is permitted. Only jeans, shorts, summer dresses...anything comfortable.

Guests who disobey our orders will end up in the swimming pool :evilgrin:

:evilgrin:

...in a summer dress.

without pictures :evilgrin:

:evilgrin:

1. They shouldn't get married because someone ordered someone else (neither of which is the bride or groom) what to wear.

2. I order you to order the bride and groom not to get married.

A fine way to make the point that controlling people is bad. :D

That marriage is dead out of the gate. Someone needs to at least warn the groom. If the wedding happens, they will be on the Dr. Phil show before their first anniversary. To fail to act in this case is would be tragic.

By that logic, the bride should never be allowed to get married. :)

Women are brought up in this culture to put a stupid amount of importance on every detail of wedding planning, like it's a fairy tale. Moms aren't immune to this, at least not all of them. So some of them spend a stupid amount of time fantasizing about how their daughter's wedding is gonna be. Not how the marriage is gonna be, but just that dumb ceremony.

Part of me wants to shake them and ask what's wrong with them, the other part understands they're a product of their culture, you can't really blame them. They've likely been brainwashed into this state for 40, 50 years now. So they get all stressed out about trivial details like it's overwhelmingly critical. The flower girl is wearing blue, therefore the wedding will be ruined if the icing on the cake doesn't have blue details, you know, all that stuff. They let themselves get all stressed about it and they start acting like it's their own wedding. My mom's not all into that sort of thing, but my MIL was, a little bit.

But then the ceremony is over, and all the in-laws retreat to their own homes, maybe even in their own states, and it's completely possible that the MOB and MOG will never even have an occasion to see each other again or speak to each other. Our respective in-laws never had a conflict, but neither did they ever contact each other in the 12 years since we got married. And the wishing well thing isn't a continual battle, because we aren't continually getting married. It's all good.

Bunch of marshmallows on this site. I'll sit there at the ceremony and when the minister or priest says, "If anyone here knows any reason why these two should not be joined as man and wife" I'll step up to the plate if nobody else will. The poor guy is about to ruin his life by marrying into a web of sociopaths. Dictating the color of someone's clothes who is sitting there in the audience? That's just the tip of the iceberg with these people. The daughter is just the mother in training. I know this type of people. They are sociopaths, and they will make his life absolute misery, even if they are living on Jupiter and he is on Neptune. The mother of the groom has got to say to them, "I'll wear what I damn well please to this wedding." If she doesn't, she is harming her own son. "All that is necessary for the forces of evil to win in this world is for good men to do nothing."

My daughter got married last June. She has three "mothers" - myself, her father's second wife and her husband's mom.

She told me she was asking the moms to wear shades of red for the wedding. She did not demand, she did not stamp her little feet and she did not cry. She asked us to try to find dresses in any shade of that color.

As it turned out, red was nowhere to be found last summer. Oddly enough, all of us found dresses in shades of purple (and even more interestingly, my sister and my stepmother did as well).

Her thought had been to have a nice bit of color coordination for the photos. Parents are part of the wedding party in that they are usually in the photos and play a prominent role.

Just because this bride has asked for a certain color does not make her a bridezilla and it's the height of stupidity to tell someone you don't know they shouldn't get married based on a one-line question on a message board.

I never said it was NOT the bride who told the mother of the groom what color to wear. I don't know who exactly it was, I just know the MOG was told what colors she was allowed to wear.

to avoid wearing the same color, but it is never correct etiquette to TELL the groom's mother what color she may or may not wear.

And not say anything or do anything to draw attention to it, not to upstage the MOB, not to stand out at all, but to be all cordial to the MOB, but to absolutely wear NOTHING that is the color she was told to wear. And by not saying anything about it or mentioning it to the mother of bride (and if MOB makes mention that she is wearing the wrong colors, MOG should deflect, and no defend or justify - just say "Isn't it a lovely color? I love how it fits me." And let MOB stew in her own bile, with MOG completely guilt free of causing the bile - it will all have been self derived.

MOG needs to establish her authority now, and that would be a great way to do it.

It might also let mother bitch know that she won't be able to control her son in law, either.

But it would give me a reason to actually attend this wedding ;-)

mother about dresses and colors. The bride's mother gets first dibs.

The mother of the groom can choose any color she wants.

It's proper etiquette for the bride to tell the mothers (and any other women who may be included in the group pix) the overall theme, so they can make sure they won't clash with the attendants, flowers, etc. However, I wouldn't go so far as telling them they had to wear a certain color or style. Hell, I didn't even tell my own mother what color to wear. My colors were a deep green and ivory. My mom wore a beige dress, with a hint of mauve. I went shopping with her for her dress, and I simply wanted her to feel pretty in whatever she chose, as it was also her special day.

that I knew the MOTG
yes they discussed colors so they wouldn't wear
the same color.....
Nothing nasty just common courtesy for them

The MOTG should be separate from the MOTB....
they are both important


lost
leaving on a jet plane tomorrow

If they wore the same color?

nothing at all
they got along and they talked about the wedding
and helped to set it all up
It was actually a beautiful wedding in Martha's Vineyard
everyone worked together....
I hope when my kids get married it goes smooth



:hi: :hi:



lost
leaving on a jet plane tomorrow

I figured it was her choice.

I did turn around and scream "stop sniveling, you bitch" about halfway thru the ceremony, however. She was crying so loud I couldn't hear the minister.

Was that an uncommon thing to do?

:evilgrin:


Sorry, the sarcasm setting is off now. I'll continue with a serious comment now:

I honestly do not "get" that whole wedding thing where everybody gets all worked up about who is wearing what. When we got married I had bridesmaids coming in from different states in a variety of shapes. My solution was to pick out a pattern, choose some material, buy enough for everybody along with all the notions, and I shipped it all to each bridesmaid so she could have the dress made wherever she lived.

The dresses all fit, they all looked just fine, and they sure didn't break the bank for anybody who was already spending enough to travel to the wedding. I did tell everyone to wear black flats, but even that was a case of wear or buy whatever works for you.

I gave each Mom a swatch of fabric from the dresses and told them to find whatever dress made them feel pretty. They looked (and felt!) good that day and they were happy. I was happy because nobody was pissed at me for making them wear something ugly, and a good time was had by all.

Seems like a no-brainer to me. I just can't feel good about the idea of telling your future MIL what to wear. Bad form to piss her off this early on becsue it establishes a complete lack of trust right out of the gate. Is that bride gonna be willing to deal with it when that same MIL gives unsolicited advice or maybe even demands something later on?



Laura

I would have appreciated being told whether the bride would like for me to dress in one of her wedding colors, or if she had a color she would prefer I not wear. You should be able to do that in the form of a suggestion, not an order.