Things not to say to someone who's lost a lot of weight...

My husband and I have each lost 75lbs. over the last year. My husband has reached his goal, I still have a ways to go, but know that I will get there.

Of course people have noticed and commented, and I truly appreciate that they are trying to be nice. But I am amazed at what some people think is complimentary, not to mention tactful.

Here's a list of some of the things people have said to me and/or my husband that would probably be best left unsaid:

"Wow! You're almost handsome!"
(a coworker, to my husband)

"You should've seen him before. He was HUGE!"
(said to someone being introduced to my husband for the first time)

"See, I've been saying! Now don't you feel a lot better?!"
(said with smug satisfaction, implying that this person has been telling everyone they know that I would feel better if I lost weight. Not that I even felt bad before I lost weight, but they just had to claim some kind of superiority over me.)

"Wow! Much better! I didn't think you could do it!"

"Good for you! Are you sure you don't want some cake?"

:eyes:

And just as a general tip, someone who's just lost a lot of weight probably doesn't want it loudly discussed at a party in front of a roomful of people they may or may not know. Generally, people who are (or were) of a certain size don't really enjoy having twenty or thirty people stop talking, look at them and wonder just how big they were before. You wouldn't publicly discuss someone's implants or breast reduction surgery or facelift in front of a roomful of people, would you?

If you really feel the need to comment, tell them "You look great!" And if you really want to know the details of their weight loss, ask them privately, later. Don't yell questions across a table full of people ("So what are you doing? Weight Watchers? Surgery? What?"). And don't spend the entire meal commenting on every bite of food they have ("See, you're having some fruit! So that's how you are losing weight!").

Thank you.

Geez, that is amazing!

Congratulations on the weight loss, and keep up the good work! :hi:

(How'd I do?) ;)

I wonder if anyone else has comments like this to share.

:hi:

Several years ago I went to a library I had never been in before. There was a very nice lady behind the counter assisting patrons. I asked her when the baby was due. She said "I'm not pregnant." Dumbass me!

Especially nowdays, with so many women wearing those peasant tops that gather right under the boobs then balloon out over the stomach. I swear, all the non-pregnant women are wearing those while all the pregnant women are wearing tight tank tops with their bellies sticking out. ;)

Yeah, you pretty much never want to ask that question unless you know beyond a shadow of a doubt (and yes, I was asked that question when I was bigger).

She was this really cute, sweet little elderly lady who had immigrated from Cuba and was working at the bakery of my grocery store. I didn't want her to feel bad so I just made up a reasonable date. ;)

:)

I'm getting fat and was thinking of getting one of those peasant tops, but yeah, then people would ask me when's it due...

Don't comment on a woman's pregnancy unless you actually see a baby coming out of her? :rofl:

It's a tough fight and you should both be very proud of yourselves.

Your kindness is far above average! :hi:

those people are so jealous that you are accomplishing your goal, something they obviously cannot do.

Congratulations on achieving your goals.

I'd simply tell them, they are being rude. I love the look on people's faces when I call them out.

But my husband and I enjoy thinking of snappy comebacks we'd love to say:

"I'm almost handsome? Thanks, you're almost nice!"

"What am I doing? Well, I work out 6 days a week and I eat a healthy diet full of fruits, veggies, complex carbs and lean protein. You should really consider trying it!"

"You've been saying? Really? Well since you have all the answers maybe you can go to the gym for me and work out for me. Then I'd feel much better!"

:evilgrin:

Thank you for the congrats! :hi:

"Oh, there must be more interesting things to talk about!" said lightly but delivered with an icy glare.

Now I have to work on my icy glare.

I hope you reach the weight you want and stay there. :)

I will reach my goal eventually. And if I gain a little back, I now have the tools to take care of it. Since I'm not on a diet of any kind, it's just a way of life now.

And congrats to you on your good news. You must be so relieved!

Working on the same thing my own self.

And I love the comebacks you and your husband have used, that you posted in #9. Priceless!!

luck to you. It's hard but it gets easier.

:hi:

His goal is 200 pounds. I hope that no one says such terrible things to him. We all tell him that he looks great, and which he likes.

No surgery, but through a physician-led program. It was difficult, because he is a professional chef. But it's given him an entirely new attitude to diet and life.

Congratulations to you and your husband.

Well, maybe you can show him this thread if he ever gets stupid comments like that. He'll know he's not alone.

Thanks Great Aunt!

Nor is the doctor concerned, says it is natural.

The week before last, he only lost 2 pounds. At first, the weight just fell off him.

and getting stronger and fitter. The number on the scale just hasn't budged in a few months. It's a bit frustrating but I know I'll get there.

The nephew-in-law lost 7 pounds last week, so he is really pleased with the program he is in.

Daily (or even weekly) monitoring of weight can do more harm than good.

I was always advised to continue taking the actions that have worked so far and trust in the long-term results.

and then a group meeting. He lost 7 pounds in the last week and feels great about regaining his momentum.

I've yo-yo'd a lot in my life and I've heard this stuff so many times. A coworker once told me that everyone was concerned because I had gained a lot of weight. I was astounded because she was such a sweet lady and I liked her a lot but I couldn't believe she'd say that.

Personally I would rather my weight not be commented on at all. Whenever people say that it looks like I've lost weight (and I have a friend who says it every fricking single time I see him) it always feels to me that there's an implication that I was gross to begin with and thank god I've finally done something about it, you know?

So having said all that, may I say to you that I'm happy you're taking your life in a direction that makes you feel good.

that they are happy for you, so I'm totally okay with "You look great!" I know in some way it implies that you *didn't* look great before, but I won't dwell on that. It's still a nice thing to say and has little judgment attached.

But if they're going to say some of the stuff I listed above, I'd really rather they said nothing at all.

I have to admit it was weird with my husband's family though. Until just recently they didn't even notice that I've lost weight, even though my husband and I lost weight at the same rate (I just have more to lose). They would gush over my husband and say nothing to me. I kept waiting for one of them to say "Gee Grace, you're still fat!" or something. I guess since I'm not yet at my goal it's not worth commenting on. Unless it's to say something completely tactless.

Anyway, good luck and thank you!

I applied for food stamps 2 months ago and it still hasn't come through. No kidding.

I hope things look better for you soon.

:hug:

Enjoy what you've accomplished.

I'm hoping to have a similar story myself in about a year!

to you. Maybe you know more tactful people than I do. :)

because some people don't think that they have lost enough weight. Someone asked me once how they looked after losing about 80 lbs, and I said they look great. That wasn't good enough for them, because they expected me to tell them that they looked like a super-model. Anyway...I just don't say a damn thing anymore. It's none of my business

edited to add: congratulations on losing that much weight! :thumbsup:

"you look great!" There are always exceptions, but they clearly have some other issues going on. It's perfectly reasonable and pleasant to tell someone they are looking well.

And I kinda enjoyed the fawning and attention paid to me about it by my friends and coworkers...I didn't even mind the semi-unkind comments about my "former" self.

But to each his own, I guess. And I suppose I felt the tiniest amount of guilt about enjoying the attention (maybe)

My husband does too. We both know that in most cases they are meant to be compliments, we just wish people could have a bit more tact.

Don't let it get you down. I bet sometimes people are just surprised and blurt out whatever comes to mind....
I bet you look very different and it takes them by surprise.
And as for people who try to act superior - they are just jerks. Jerks find a way to act like jerks no matter what
the topic!
I love your snappy answers, they're so fun to come up with....even if you never say them!

:)

I am the queen of coming up with the perfect comeback *after* the moment has passed, unfortunately. LOL! It's still fun to imagine the look on someone's face if you actually said that.

It doesn't really get me down, it makes me roll my eyes more than anything. Believe me, after years of being overweight, I've heard far worse comments in my life. Weight seems to be the one thing that people just lose all sense of privacy, respect and tact when discussing. And it goes both ways. I know plenty of thin people that get stupid comments as well. WTF, ya know? Where do people get off? Like anyone is so freaking perfect that they have room to comment.

I usually say, "Not really."

"You look fantastic" will suffice. :eyes:

By the way, though I can't see you, you look fantastic! :hug:

:)

What's with that "Don't you feel so much better?" thing anyway? What does that even mean? I think one time I did actually respond "No, I'm sore and tired from working out all the time." It's just a weird question.

Did you smack those circus animals? Because: INSANE.

to yell at). So no slapping ensued, but I sure would like to email them all this thread. :)

:hi:

That is about the only tactful comment to make in public, IMO.

BTW, Congrats on coming this far.

Yeah, what's so hard about it? I had a friend who lost a bunch of weight years ago and that's what I said when I saw her.

a few times if I was sick......


I lost 60lbs. Congrats on your weight loss!!!


lost

Yeah, sick of hearing stupid comments!

Thanks and congratulations to you too!

when I was overweight not a word of concern from anyone. And my family has a history of heart disease.

I changed my diet to a healthier one and started exercising regularly including just getting outside and active and I lost a lot of weight (down to about what I was in officer training school) I thought this was good and I certainly feel much better. But the constant - "You to thin." "Are you sick."

People - or maybe just Americans - or just the people around me - are oblivious to the dangers of being overweight and think being thin is unhealthy or at least unAmerican.

Meanwhile none of these people can keep up with me on walks, none of them can climb the mountains I climb, but I'm the ill one. :eyes:

Drives me nuts.

How did I lose almost 80 pounds (and keep them off for several years now)? Well, here's the secret:

"Six days a week, I'm up at 5:00 a.m. to work out, alternating days between running and weightlifting. I have completely revamped my diet - massive fruits and veggies, complex carbs and lean proteins - and have cut many things out completely (like soft drinks). Oh, and as I approach 40 (this November), I find I have to push even harder, as my metabolism is changing."

This is never, ever, the answer people want to the "What's your secret?" question. They want me to tell them about some fab diet pill that makes you lose 80 pounds and keep it off indefinitely.

mikey_the_rat

is diet and exercise. We are both doing exactly the same thing except I work out at night before bed. I'm *not* a morning person and would've given up months ago if I tried to get up at 5:00 a.m. So good for you! Congratulations on your accomplishment!

(although in my case what worked was surgery)

I've had female friends be mistaken as pregnant by well-intended strangers. I've made it a point to never ever assume that a woman is pregnant. You pretty much have to broke water and the baby is crowning before I'll take a chance on that one.

One of my favorites was the implication that, having lost weight, I deserved to have a love life more than I had before.

Don't you know that being fat is the ultimate sin against humanity and no fat person can find or deserves love? :sarcasm:

Well, thanks for agreeing. I know I'm not alone in this experience. I just wish people could think for a second before they speak.

And congrats on your weight loss! :hi:

Before I ever lost weight, I realized that there were lots of big guys and girls who had found love, and lots of thin ones who hadn't. And I knew it wasn't my size that was keeping me from finding it.