A Buddhist struggles with impermanence vs. marriage

Interesting read. Someone sent this to me yesterday.

http://www.beliefnet.com/story/196/story_19657.html

excerpts...

I was totally ready with “I have no idea,” when a voice popped into my head and said, “Of course it can work. As long as you don’t expect it to make you happy.” So I reported these words and we had a moment. We were kind of embarrassed—yes, Buddhists are supposed to know that craving creates suffering, but I guess we still secretly hoped that a relationship could make us happy, if only we could get the circumstances just right.

I didn’t really understand that love does not arise, abide, or dissolve in connection with any particular feeling. It has almost nothing to do with feeling. (Nor does it seem to be a gesture, a commitment to stay, becoming best friends, or anything else I might have thought.) Love has become a container in which we live. Through time, riding mysterious waves of passion, aggression, and ignorance (and boredom), I think we began to live within love itself...

Each time my love expands by a molecule, it grows a molecule of sorrow. The more I love, the edgier it all feels, and the more courage is required. Where you get this courage, I really don’t know. Surprisingly, it just seems to be there. And if you’re looking for a crucible in which to heat compassion, this is a really good one. Someone once told me that compassion is the ability to hold love and pain together in the same moment. So at least we’re learning something, which is what I tell myself. It sort of helps, but not really.

Opinions?

RL

without love -- we have nothing -- and then all is vanity.

the repression of desire is imply anther way of humans repressing those things that can make us sick.

love does abide -- love bears all.

But I also think I understand at least part of what it's saying.

To feel love is to open yourself up for pain. You can't feel emotional pain without investing the emotion to begin with. And the more love you feel, the more potential for pain. Anything that causes pain to the one you love causes pain to you, too. I have three kids - I feel every hurt they feel, ten times over I sometimes think. So I'd say there's some truth there.

But love is something that binds us together. If I didn't love people, I'd just walk away from them when things got hard and they'd do the same to me.

I also think it's far too early in the morning for me to be pondering this. :)

more of something than it was intended to be. How many times do we think there is something we just must have and then, when we get it, it doesn't meet our expectations? Disappointment again sets in.

It is always good to love in any form but not expect it to be the be all and end all of our existence. That is placing a burden upon it that it was never intended to fulfill. Happiness is a product of one's self realization and outward emission of that realization.

:thumbsup:

if I'm fucked up, insecure, neurotic and evasive (FINE) then I fall in love, I'm still FINE but in love.

Love changes nothing in other words. But it is good.

the changes come from within, nothing 'outside' has ever 'fixed' me, only I can fix me.

but my hubby is my best friend and i have found that friendship has taken us through times of no love better than love would take us through times of no friendship

that's the best I can do before my first cup of coffee......

:pals:

It is the "need" of love that does, or at least the wanting to be in a relationship.

I can't even count how many people I know that needed to be put on anti-depressants because of a failed relationship. Too many people believe that if they don't have someone to love or that loves them back, they are not "complete". Too many times they end up in a bad relationship because they would rather settle for that than to be alone. Or they spend more time trying to convince themselves that what they have is true love than they do actually being in love.

I believe 100% that desire causes suffering. The ego is a hungry beast and when not fed it gets irritable and nasty. There is noting wrong with having goals or desires, but the key is to not let them become an obsession. Life is pretty easy, all you really have to do is breathe. I know this is somewhat of a cliche', but until the day you can look in the mirror and say "hey, you're not too bad", you will never be a happy person. I believe that.

And I do agree with you completely. It is "need" and the unfair expectations that are the cause of the problem. :hi:

:hi:

It wasn't until I realized that after all the whining I used to do, I was still there that I started enjoying my life. Of course I have bad days like everyone else, but they are just a bump in the road. I don't *need* many things these days. If I start wanting something I just go like this ---> :shrug:

You have to be happy with yourself, by yourself first - before you can ever be happy with someone else.

I think I forgot that for a while.



I'd rather be alone alone than with someone else alone.

:thumbsup:

That is a very good thought to keep in mind.

exactly...

Having been alone with someone, I can attest that it is painful...

RL

:thumbsup:

Oh yes. To allow ourselves to love more means becoming vulnerable to another person and things we can't control. The sorrow comes in realizing that nothing stays the same; there is no loss as great as the loss of love. Love can't ever really be understood. Whether it brings joy, sadness or even boredom, love is love.

love is chemical

love is a many splendored thing

love stinks

all you need is love

only love can break your heart

and now love is a container?

love is like whiskey--it feels great at night and not so great in the morning