It is not a day to fuck around with me. I'm pissed. You *do not* mess with my kids!

My sister-in-law, my husband's sister, a real right-wing, supposedly Christian Catholic mother of 6, has done it again.

Two of her children are already married. My husband and I were invited to the wedding of the first one. Neither child was invited. We had no problem with that.

Last year her oldest daughter got married. Said daughter is my husband's god-daughter. My husband, son and I were invited to the wedding. Our daughter, who is mentally handicapped, was deliberately left off the invitation and not invited to the wedding.

An invitation to a third child's wedding arrived today. My husband, son and I were invited to the wedding. Our daughter, once again, was left off the invitation and not invited. Deliberately.

We called our regrets to the parents of the bride. And told her why.

We have decided, no matter what, my sister-in-law will never be invited to anything or notified of anything in our little family ever again. EVER.

No wedding invitations, shower invitations, birth announcements or death announcements.

If anything, God Forbid, should happen to my husband, she can read about it in the obituary column of the city paper.

This is not a day to fuck around with me. I will take no prisoners if anyone does!

They can't just dismiss a member of your family. x(

Good for you! :hug:

We didn't go to our niece's wedding, either, because of the snub of our daughter.

Who can't even get past their own bigotry to embrace members of their family. Again, ew; and my condolences.

only blood Aunt that my kids had. My whole family is pissed off at the way my SIL treats Anna-Maria.

My husband is livid. He has said for quite a while now that my family is more family to him than his own blood relatives.

is loving and supportive of one another. The folks you're dealing with aren't so much your family, as some jerks some of you share DNA with.

and I agree
do not fuck with my kids....

mamma bear gets quite mad

good for you guys

:hug:

lost

to get pissed!

What a piece of shit thing to do.

:hug:

what is going on. We will take her out on that day and spoil her rotten, just like we did the day our niece got married.

Or was it just your child that was left out?

on up, at our oldest niece's wedding. That wedding took place 5 or 6 blocks from our house at a Catholic church nearby. We were driving past and saw other family members taking in their toddlers to the ceremony.

(SIL's husband is one of 15 children, so there were dozens and dozens of kids of all ages at the wedding. Anna-Maria was niece/nephew #130 for SIL and BIL when she was born.)

Our DD was 19 at the time and will be 21 in September. Our son will soon be 20.

you'll be much better off without them in your life. Kinda sad but who needs negativity in our lives we can control?

Good luck with them and your kid is lucky to have you :-)

Jeez Louise... they've got a lot of nerve doing that. Can't even find the words to describe it... callous, cold-hearted, cruel... there just are no words.

snubbing a mentally handicapped person is one of her lowest stunts.

It's obvious you needed to take a stand. How mean spirited of them.

Have they always shown uncomfortableness around your daughter, even earlier than what you described above?

all younger, Anna-Maria could be a bit intimidating, but she ourgrew that a long time ago.

When they didn't invite her to our niece's wedding last year my boss offered to take some of his buddies from his Harley Owner's Group in full leather to the reception at St. Andrew's. My son briefly toyed with the idea of RSVP'ing "yes" and taking his best guy friend to the wedding and introducing him to my SIL as his 'partner' just to watch her head explode! LOL!

I like your son already! :thumbsup:

"What If...?" My son said that we "should" someday invite SIL to *his* wedding and sit certain people at her table and have a hidden video camera: like a transexual I work with that is one of my good friends, his very flamboyant gay friend, one of my husband's high school friends that SIL hated and my ex-boss in his Harley leathers. It would be a very interesting reception if that were to happen!

It will be a cold day in hell before SIL is invited to anything, but thinking about it was fun!

What happened when you told your SIL that not only were you not attending the wedding, that you weren't having any more contact with her?

Please give Anna-Marie a big hug from me.
Julie

year and didn't hear anything from SIL. We called the Mother-of-the-Bride this afternoon and gave our regrets. This invitation today was to the wedding of a nephew.

We haven't spoken to my SIL and I doubt that we will. My husband prefers to not speak to her at all at this point but he will probably tell his Uncle why we're not going. His Uncle was not impressed when he found out that Anna-Maria wasn't invited to the niece's wedding last year. He found out after the fact why we didn't attend. I'm sure he won't be happy that she wasn't invited to the nephew's wedding this year.

I will give Anna-Maria a big hug!

Maybe there were no children invited?
:shrug: Some people are like that.

at our niece's wedding last year and there will be dozens at our nephew's wedding this year. My SIL's husband is one of 15 children and there are hundreds of children in the family. Seriously, Anna-Maria was niece/nephew #130 when she was born. Heaven knows what number they are up to now.

I think that's the big question/telling answer here.

This one getting married is our nephew, so the RSVP went to the Bride's parents. I am sure that SIL has heard by now as I am sure that our nephew has called her and let her know we called his future MIL and responded, but I doubt that we will learn of her reaction.

My first cousin is severely mentally disabled; he's always been treated like any other member of the family -- included and excluded with the rest of our generation.

You do have my sympathies. I suspect I'll be going through a similar, though much less hateful, situation should my SO and I have a child together. (He has a daughter and some members of my family have zero experience with divorce and remarriage and don't understand that stepkids aren't always distant creatures you try to avoid. Anyhow.) I can understand at least where my relatives would be coming from...your SIL, on the other hand, is passively-aggressively spewing hate or ignorance or both.

the exception of my husband's Uncle, who is the defacto "Patriarch" of the family now. We will just plan a day of spoiling our daughter rottenon the day of the wedding.

You don't have to be all in love with them but you can interact with them in a civil manner. Maybe they will learn by your example.

the low road would be to call the bitty up and call her everything but a preacher. To be a doormat would be to not acknowledge something is wrong with the way that her daughter is being treated. I think the message that her family is a package deal is appropriate...I also think it would be just fine for those things to be vocalized.

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someone needs to educated about how it is wrong to exclude someone's child from family functions because of a disability. These people need to grow up, not to be enabled with people-pleasing smiles....sometimes you have to love people enough to tell them that they are wrong, or let them know in one way or another that their behavior is unnacceptable, for their own sake as well as yours.

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not. Don't condescend to us on this matter, you'll lose. Big time. We've very protective of special kids in the lounge.

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who has been here for two days and starts lecturing people on how to behave.

Deal.

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the low road in this situation would be to pitch a fit about it, swear a blue streak and burn their house down. Protecting one's child and family from ignorance and discrimination is no kind of low road that I know about. If anything I might tell the people how I feel about their actions, and give them a chance to act right. If things don't improve, well, then they chose.

She should tell the family why she is upset and tell them that her children are both full members of the family and not to be treated poorly because of disability. Just deciding to not talk to anyone except the patriarch uncle out of anger is low road.

I gather nothing changed, which I gather is why things devolved further.

"We have decided, no matter what, my sister-in-law will never be invited to anything or notified of anything in our little family ever again. EVER."

That doesn't sound like exile to me. I'd have a hard time inviting someone like that around, myself. I don't have kids, but children come before inlaws. It's sad the brother doesn't have more of a backbone...the onus should be on him to straighten out the sister in law in this situation.

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6778766&mesg_id=6779535
"I am sure that SIL has heard by now as I am sure that our nephew has called her and let her know we called his future MIL and responded, but I doubt that we will learn of her reaction." This is a terribly broken chain of communication. Does she think that it is the groom's job to relay information between his aunt and his mother? I could see good reasons for him to not want to get involved in carrying messages for her.

Also, as I ask below, who is responsible for invitations the bride and groom or the mother of the bride?
Before cutting off all communication, establishing some might be a good idea.

Oh yeah, and not inviting is not the exile part that bugged me, more the whole if she wants to find out if her brother died, she can read the obituaries thing is really petty.

"An invitation to a third child's wedding arrived today. My husband, son and I were invited to the wedding. Our daughter, once again, was left off the invitation and not invited. Deliberately.

We called our regrets to the parents of the bride. And told her why."

It sounds to me that the mother of the bride was informed about how upset they are, that this is at least the second time this has happened, and that their feelings about their daughter being excluded didn't changet the situation either this time or last time. I really don't think the SIL needs to be informed that she will no longer be informed/invited to their functions. One, that will be clear soon enough, and two, it sounds like she probably doesn't care. It would be nice to see the family get together and talk it out, but if someone is going to leave your disabled child off of a wedding invitation list at least twice in a row, they probably don't care one way or the other how you feel about it. These folks don't seem like very caring people at all, and it's not up to the family of the OP to convince them to care when obviously they don't. If they'd rather not be around people who are this callous then I see no fault in that...they don't owe her anything, including the appearance of floating along some fabled high road, smiling and waving and earning brownie points with Jesus.

That's a much better tactic than just refusing to speak to her. Now I'm going to take the highroad and put you on ignore (see it isn't so high is it?)

I guess you better, if you can't handle a simple interchange like this then use ignore liberally, it can be your best friend sometimes. As I stated above, it sounds to me like they did tell her exactly why they were upset. The people just do not care...about the effect this has on the family, or the disabled daughter, or any of it.

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I have physically handicapped friends and colleagues, and the way some people treat them is quite despicable. They are often treated as if they are mentally handicapped and sub human. It's often quite appalling -- I've seen some of it with my own eyes.

I have physically handicapped friends and colleagues, and the way some people treat them is quite despicable. They are often treated as if they are mentally handicapped and sub human. It's often quite appalling -- I've seen some of it with my own eyes.

to interact with SIL and her family in a family-like and congenial manner, the invitation incidents were the last straw. SIL has been given the benefit of the doubt and second, third.....hundredth....chances in the past, all to no avail.

Thank you for yor input.

:thumbsup:

By refusing to allow her to be treated like she's something less than a member of the family. Even as something less than a "real" human.

Good for the OP.

The "example" she needs to worry about setting, foremost, pertains to how she regards her child, not how she responds to other peoples' ignorance regarding said child.


:thumbsup:

My father had a younger brother who was severely mentally handicapped. He died in his early 20's when I was about nine or ten. I'll give my father's mother credit: she didn't have him put away. She took care of him until the day he died. However, he was kept in his bedroom 24/7 because how he looked and acted "offended" the neighbors.

I guess the OP's relatives were also afraid of how her daughter would offend the neighbors, eh?

Jesus. 2007.

with SIL. Anna-Maria is a part of our family and we will not tolerate her being deliberately treated as if she does not exist when it comes to family functons.

My husband and I decided to go to a family function once and not take the kids. It was our choice that we got a sitter for the afternoon/evening and I thought that 99% of the people there were going to lynch us for *not* bringing them!

SIL is definitely an abberation in the family.

is only met with more and increased heartache. The invitations to the weddings were the last straw in years of incidents. SIL knew what our reaction would be and obviously didn't care.

Thank you for your input.

They say it talks all kinds of people to make the world go round. That aint true. Your SIL and her type are the kind of people that we need less of. Raising a handicapped child has to be one of the most heartbreaking acts on the planet. The strength it must take is amazing. To have a family member act this way is shameful. I'm sorry you have to endure such a useless waste of skin.

issues that our daughter has, she has brought so much joy to us. She is right now behind me playing with the dog and having a wonderful time. My SIL and her kids have no idea about the person they are deciding to cut out of their lives. It is their loss.

I just hope that none of our nieces or nephews have any children with handicaps. How will SIL treat her own grandchildren if that happens?

You did the right thing. This reflects a broader problem regarding the attitude of many people towards those unfortunate enough to deal with any sort of mental illness.

line with the snub of our daughter.

There is no possible justification for excluding your daughter, especially not so obviously. Did they seriously expect you to just go along with it? I have a nephew with mental delays and he's the sweetest kid ever. I don't know what would happen, if anyone in my family treated him like your relations treat your daughter. A verbal ass kicking at the very least.

Your sister-in-law should be ashamed of her behavior.


:wtf:

I'm glad he is supportive - it must make the situation a bit easier to deal with, although the situation itself sucks on so many levels. I'm sorry. :hug:

His health isn't good these days and this is just one more stress he really doesn't need. He has had several small strokes and this is definitely not something he needed to think about.

The Kennedy's. Was it Kathleen who was developmentally disabled? The family is heavily involved in the Special Olympics.

It's a shame your SIL cannot even bring herself to be involved with your daughter.

You have my sympathy, AND my support. I hope you all have a wonderful "spoiling day" with your daughter!

not to be tolerated, don't you know? SIL is very right-wing.

she could make a donation to Special Olympics in the bride and groom's name.

bride and groom's name when our niece got married last year. Thank you for the support.

Last time I checked the bride and groom are responsible for the guest list, not the mom of the bride.

that leads me to think it's the SIL.

either way, it's sickening

drastic actions one should first be 1) Damned sure who exactly is to blame 2) Let them know exactly why you are about to cut off communication. They might have an excuse or even better an apology to offer.

This I called her son and talked to him and never heard from her thing is Bullshit

aren't you?

from what i've read, it sounds like this might have been coming for some time and this was the final straw, if you will.

and what kind of apology do you really think could come of a confrontation? sorry we left your daughter off the invitation, we forgot she existed? we didn't think she'd have fun?

what people would say despite never speaking to them directly. Furthermore it is totally unnecessary to establish who exactly is responsible for the disabled daughter being excluded from events, it's much better to assume that it is the already disliked SIL instead of perhaps the people whose wedding it is, after all who wants to be mad at a niece and nephew? Also the correct way to deal with a daughter being left out of events by the family is to make sure that no such family events would happen, maybe someday she can join in on holding a grudge, it will be a bonding experience. Finally, the best way to encourage people to accept the mentally disabled is to be insulted by their ignorance and excommunicating them, rather than trying to talk to them and help them realize that although your daughter is mentally disabled she is capable of participating in family events. Thanks for setting me straight :eyes:

invitations...BUT they have to get the information on who to invite from groom's side of the family from the groom. Who can mostly come up with about 3 names and then turns it over to his mother to decide who should be invited.

isn't organized or smart enough to know our address.

:hug: to you and yours. i'm sorry you have to deal with it, but it sounds like you're handling it well (not that you need my vaildation ;))

first, it sounds like her kids are brats -- if they were decent they would automatically include your daughter/their cousin

second: why don't you call her and ask her what the fuck her problem is. confront her with this bullshit. let her know what a hypocrite you think she is and what a bitch. (or since the family is so large--could this have been an honest oversight? for the past three times?)

also--why doesn't your husband talk to his brother and ask him what's going on with this?

odd and a bit bratty, but not overly so that I have ever noticed. This was not an oversight. SIL has only one brother - my husband - and only one niece, Anna-Maria and one nephew, our son William, on her side of the family. I can see getting mixed up with her husband's side of the family but her *own*. No. It didn't happen. It was deliberate.

My husband's health isn't very good. He's had several small strokes and really doesn't need the stress of confronting his sister.

Thanks for your input.

I support you. Don't put up with her hateful BS any more.

with her.

:hug:


Does your sister-in-law believe you love your daughter less? Or tht you're ashamed of her?


I just can't believe everyone in your family EXCEPT your daughter would be invited.... it's just..... WRONG

the time because it is so far off from what we think and believe.

You and your family are better off without them. There is no reason for A-M to interact with people who think so little of her.

Hugs to you :hug:

Rosie

say that even MIL never went this low. She would be horrified at the behavior of her daughter. And, as you well know, MIL's behavior was pretty damn horrible most of the time.

Sometimes I wonder how my husband escaped the toxicity.

:hug: Good for you.

Jerks who won't accept and inculde people with all levels of abilities into their worlds are the losers in all of this.


Way to be a champion for your daughter and your family! :hug:

what a wonderful person Anna-Maria is.

You did the right thing.

and gets away with it.

be afraid of their children marrying into a family that has someone with a handicap? It's to bad that she is so narrow-minded.

when she decided to snub my daughter.

Your compassion for the aggressors and criminals is really getting to be too much. Think about the victim here. God you guys make me totally sick. And i bet none of you are close with anyone with a physical or mental disability.

You cry about discrimination until it happens in someone's family, and then people are supposed to just suck it up and be pussies for the sake of preserving the family unit. no, that's bullshit.

rather not deal with, but to discriminate against the most defenseless is unacceptable.

That is what happens when people on here can't get their bleeding hearts under control.

You wrote daughter, but the story seems like your SIL is the one who can't figure out the obvious.

Any apology or anything? "Gee, I hadn't thought of that. I guess that was insensitive." Anything like that? Or does God only love those who choose to be mentally handicapped?

response. No, there's been no reaction from SIL or her camp regarding our negative RSVP. Thank you for the support.

she's truly prejudiced, or just chickenshit. I'm thinking she needs more exposure to Anna Marie, because maybe your SIL (Stupid-in-law) is socially inept around physically and emotionally challenged people.

If, at some point, you and your SIL can get beyond this hurdle, I think it'd be great for your daughter to have an opportunity to teach her aunt how to face and cope with the real world. While your SIL isn't really worthy of Anna Marie's time, enlightening her might make the world a better place...if she's open to enlightenment, that is.

:hug::hug::hug:

of the things she does. The ill treatment of our daughter is the latest in a long list of things that have occurred. I really don't think I want Anna-Maria to have to put up with her toxicity in person.

...If he can't go, we can't go. Pure and simple. We both fully expect this to end friendships down the road (It's already caused me to vow to never speak to a member of her family ever again), but that's just the way it has to be. I applaud you and your loyalty. :applause:

hard enough to deal with what life has dealt to our children, unkind family members don't need to be added to the grief when it comes to the children we love so fiercely.

She even went so far as to lie and say that she was the only child in her family. My dad and she were married for nine years, and I didn't find out about the brother until after they divorced.

Your sister-in-law is a poisonous person, it seems. Don't think twice about your decision, and never let anyone bully you with a family guilt trip about it. You are standing up for someone who cannot stand up for herself.

think about Anna-Maria. Honestly, Anna-Maria is more conspicuous by her absence. I am sure everyone wonders why the only maternal uncle of the bride (last year) and of the groom (this year) does not attend the weddings. No other members of the extended family have ever excluded Anna-Maria. Only her Aunt.

I'm not fond of the mentally handicapped, but it's impolite to give a family member the cold shoulder like she did, no matter what's wrong with them.