Why can't I stop guilt-tripping myself?

I haven't been Catholic since I was a kid (and even that was under duress), but I allow myself to be guilted in and out of so many things.

Like this weekend. I posted about it last week, how excited I was about seeing my favorite band, Crowded House, play three nights in a row. Well, even though I had a total blast, I didn't end up going on Sunday. I convinced myself that I was too tired, and that I had to clean our house for the house inspector coming over early Monday morning. But the reality is I felt guilty. I let myself feel bad because I had spent the whole weekend doing something so frivolous. Sure, my husband made some slightly passive-aggressive comment like "doesn't that get old three days in a row?" when I mentioned that my friends really wanted me to go. But later in the day he said "Why don't you just go? I know you really want to, and this band is your life." (also sounded a little bit passive-aggressive/condescending, but I may be reading too much into it). By then of course it was too late to meet my friends in line and it wouldn't have been as fun if I had to stand by myself in the back. But I don't know why I didn't just say from the start "I'm going on Sunday night too." I don't spend much money on clothes, I don't get manicures and pedicures, I don't go out drinking, this is my one major indulgence and I let myself feel bad about it. Even if the guilt trip is coming from someone besides myself, I shouldn't be letting them get to me like that.

Now I'm reading all my friend's accounts of the show and it was way better than Saturday. They had an even bigger blast that night and I missed it, even though the stupid venue is in my home town, just a few miles from my house. I'm totally kicking myself. I do this to myself so much and I miss out on some really great things. Why? Why? Why?

:banghead: :cry:

I have known too many people who sacrifice...when no one was telling them to do it...and then when they do sacrifice instead of having people appreciate it...they either didn't recognize it as a sacrifice or didn't care.

Next time go.

up I chicken out. I'm such an idiot.

I cancelled a dinner with a friend of mine because my husband was having a rough time at work...and then he comes home and doesn't even utter a word of thanks for me canceling this dinner so that he wouldn't have to worry about who was caring for the kids ...or coming home on time..

Its those types of situations that serve to remind me of why I should not sacrifice all the time..

not the only one. At least I can understand it more in your case because of your children. The only thing that would've suffered if I had gone was that my husband would've had a second night home alone and would've had to finish the cleaning himself. Your husband should've thanked you though. It's so easy to take one another for granted, isn't it?

I think that Catholic thing gets in really deep and fucks you over for the rest of your life. Or maybe that's just how it affected me. Grrr.

whole thing was bullshit. And yet I keep reliving the nightmare of guilt and obligation. I can see it happening and I still do it. It makes me so mad at myself.

I'm guessing with fees and stuff, the ticket had to be $30 at least... I'd feel more guilty NOT going. :)

Or did I just guilt trip you?

Also, they're not coming anywhere near me (so far)... feel guilty about THAT!

Don't worry, you can't guilt trip me any more than I've already guilt tripped myself.

I can't stop kicking myself and it's really pissing me off. Some of the people I got together with this weekend (we're all on the same fan board) came from several states away, Canada and even ENGLAND to attend these shows in Chicago. And I couldn't get it together to get myself to the House of Blues from my place.

I'm sorry they're not coming near you. I do feel bad about that. Everyone should get the chance to see them, they are amazing.

Wicked Meta!

Let it go. This is just something you do.

On a different note, why do you think your husband was being passive agressive? Is he usually? I think asking if seeing the same band (from the 80s!) three nights in a row gets old is a reasonable question :shrug:

I don't want to let it go because I *really* want to stop doing it. I hate having regrets.

I guess it would be a reasonable question if you didn't know me. But considering how huge the Crowded House/Split Enz/Neil Finn/Finn Brothers playlist is on my iPod, he of all people should know that it will never get old for me. He also knows that CH is not some 80's nostalgia band playing the one album they recorded over and over again. They have a bunch of amazing albums, including one that came out just last month. Each night's setlist was very different and their shows always have something different going on. They're wonderful showmen.

He has a bit of a passive-aggressive streak from his mom and I do from mine, we both admit it. And while he likes Crowded House a lot (he came with me to the Milwaukee show), he definitely thinks going to multiple shows is dumb. But I shouldn't have let him get to me.

Edited to add: Just to be clear, I'm not a creepy, obsessed stalker fan. I actually stopped posting on the main fan site for CH because there were too many creepy fans on it who would discuss one line from one song for *hours* and making all kinds of TMI observations about the musician's personal lives. I ended up going somewhere that's more like a tiny version of the DU lounge, where we talk about any and everything. And instead of having politics in common (although most of us have that as well), we are all fans of Finn-related music. Those were the people I met over the weekend and they were awesome. So the three shows had a social component as well.

I just don't know much about CH so I probably wouldn't go to 3 shows in a row, but if you want to go I'm all for it.

We all have regrets, it might be hard to change your first level guilt, but you shouldn't beat yourself up after the fact either. :hug:

Right back atcha. :hug:

even if you don't believe in it.

I can't spend the rest of my life regretting things because I felt guilty. Grrrr...

And I don't mean that it's biological - I think it's social.

In a million different subtle ways, women still get the feeling that they have to sacrifice their happiness for their families. Thats why so many women are exhausted, trying to be the perfect mom, the perfect wife, the perfect career woman all at once. It's not possible to do that all alone but we're told in countless ways through the media that it is.

Not just the media, either. It's so ingrained. When you think of mom, you think of her taking care of her kids when they're sick, or driving them to the school play or putting band-aids on cuts. When you think of dad, you think of him helping the kids build a treehouse or playing catch. Fun stuff.

That's not fair to either mom or day, but my point is, I really think women have a lot of guilt thrust on them. When they do something for themselves, they feel guilty about it - "I should be with the kids, or the husband, or spending the money on the house."

No matter how progressive we feel we are. And so when we hear a remark like your husband's - whether he meant it to be passive-aggressive or not - the ol' guilt-meter trips. :shrug:

I promise to do my share of the "mom" things and let her do her share of the "dad" things to the greatest extent possible.

:yourock: :hug:

:hug:

Now all I need is for someone to notice. ;)

like you in the world. :hi:

And you know, when there's something he wants to do I always encourage it. I actually enjoy having a bit of time to myself.

Anyway, thanks for a bit of needed perspective. :hi: