ladies, would you be offended?

ok, so i was talking with a friend that i bumped into this afternoon about and we got to talking about a book that i recently read. he's a nerd like me and also enjoys reading. anyways, i was talking about the book.. not a light book at all(it's about the holocaust) and he interrupts me mid-sentence and says "your legs look nice." WHA? not only is that one of the most random comments i've ever heard during a conversation, but he obviously wasn't even paying attention to what i was saying.

would you be offended?

one should not be thinking about legs when the discussion is about the holocaust :P

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and know to whom you're writing.

If so, then, you can't expect much better than that, I'm afraid. :shrug:

but i mean come on!

In fact he sounds like a nerdy teenager who has no idea how to talk to women. But thats just first impressions.

He probably likes her, and has been debating with himself how to make her know that. Since he's a dumbass, he blurted out what he planned on blurting out with no awareness of the actual situation.

...I would be thrilled, however at your age I would have been offended.

Cheers

it wasn't so much the "nice legs" comment that offended me as much as the fact that he obviously wasn't listening to me and interrupted me.

I'd say cut him some slack. He is a work in progress and a LONG way from completion ;).

Seriously, sometimes a subject makes others uncomfortable. Perhaps this may be a case like that? And he is young which may suggest some degree of understandable lack of social grace? Could be he was grasping at changing the subject and did a poor job of the adventure.

I wouldn't fret too much, Ava. There are limits to how intense a subject people can handle and that limit varies from time to time in the same person. Could be he was just not up to the discussion at that time.

Annoyed. Absolutely. But don't waste time being offended about this incident. You have bigger fish to fry!

...of a lot of guys, they have a hard time focusing on the subject at hand unless it's sex. Think back to grammar school, most boys are put front and center so that perhaps the teacher can hold their attention.

You are right he wasn't listening to you and that would tick me off... and does in my house on a daily basis. To me it sounds like he just figured out that you were a girl and the light bulb went on and the mouth engaged with the brain's influence. (N.B. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on that brain thing)

I'd like to tell you that some day you'll find a guy to talk with that will listen to you but I think that as they get older they just hide it better.

Cheers :toast:

"I'd like to tell you that some day you'll find a guy to talk with that will listen to you but I think that as they get older they just hide it better."

So true! :rofl:

Usually you wait at least 2 hours after talking about the holocaust before your broach the subject of nice legs.

i went to school with him when i was still in public school and he was a straight a student and like i said also reads a lot. it just took me by surprise for sure.

I am not saying he not intelligent. I just know what a lot of guys are like when they are young (and I am including myself in this)....they are fucking morons. I was a fucking moron. I graduated with a 97% grade, and I was still a moron. In fact, I may STILL be a fucking moron.

;)

As a teenager I was PAINFULLY nerdy and shy around girls, even though I had many female friends, and would never say such a thing. But sometimes people with ADD will blurt stuff out that they are thinking and can't really help it.

My SO does this to me - I'll be nattering on about something that I think is interesting and he'll either interrupt me with something like that or start getting all lovey-dovey.

It's all an effort to get me to shut up. :P

and i get annoyed too :P ;)

Maybe he thought you wouldn't pay attention to him if
he interuppted you... maybe he was shy.....

U think I would have been shocked and suprised.....

How do you feel???

btw
good for you for getting them noticed!!!!!


:bounce:


lost

but like i said it was more about him obviously not paying attention to what i was saying

I wasn't thinking this way
I was thinking that it was the remark that offended you

now I get it...

:hi:


lost

(not that women don't have raging hormones too, but they can control themselves better than boys)if he's older than 25 run for the hills.

:rofl:

He'll want to make out.

:spray:

What was your response at the time?

but then again you laugh at the people in those situations :rofl:

my response was to give him a funny look and then continue what i was saying which only took a few more seconds. then he said he had to go and said we should get together sometime(which i don't think is going to happen if he can't listen to what i say, lol).

"Stupid......STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!!!"

I'll bet money on it.

it would really be a woody allen movie then :P :rofl:

call me crazy, but i don't think the library is the best place to comment on someone's legs

:rofl: it does.

I am sure that was on his mind way before the holocaust discussion. Probably not the smartest way to put it in there but I am thinking he was looking for ANY opportunity to say that. Boys will be boys after all....

:shrug:

and what he was thinking about underneath popped out accidently. Foot n' mouth syndrome ya know....

If you're INTERESTED in him it's one thing. If not, set your boundaries clearly.

however he is a normally sweet guy who i use to hang out with a lot.

Just tell him we are here to discuss the book not my legs but I appreciate the compliment...I have a mind and legs and they both are fine...

Kind of funny, though.
Weird time to bring up something like that. I mean, Sara and I were talking about the War in Iraq and I told her she had a nice rack. She wasn't amused...I wonder why?

:rofl:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=6864624&mesg_id=6864624

and no, i didn't really say that...though i did say things that were just as uncouth.
however, she outdid me easily.
ask her what she said about Ronnie Reagan. :scared:

great photos! you two look very happy together

Proof that something GOOD can come out of social interactions between Loungers :P

What were you saying?

by honesty how he admitted to things such as contemplating leaving his father behind so that he would not be held down. i was to that point when i was interrupted.

I was actually imitating him. :P...

I remember being a 17 year old boy once.

Lots of things on his mind at one time. My own son holds approximately 30 different conversations at once, so I'm used to it.

and it wasn't the conversation i was involved in :rofl:

Not only are their minds all over the place at that age their hormones are as well. I'm sure he was totally mortified that it popped out of his mouth. Perhaps this is sexist but it's been my observation that males tend to be very easily visually distracted by attractive women. It doesn't mean that your friend wasn't enjoying your discussion, your wit and intelligence, it just means that he got distracted. As long as it doesn't cross a boundary of indecency or make you feel uncomfortable I think it's one of those things you have to laugh off. In this particular case, I would assume that he probably is very embarrassed so I personally wouldn't mention it to him but if he does something like that again then perhaps you might want to pre-plan something to say to him to indicate your discomfort. I think it's really wise at your age to hold off on dating. There's plenty of time for that stuff later. Good for you for putting learning first.

:hide:

Some women would, some wouldn't. It's up to you what you feel comfortable with. Don't try to change your own feelings to fit some kind of cultural "norm" - there isn't one in situations like these.

Lots of us have been in that situation - sometimes it depends on the other person and our relationship with them, or it depends on other circumstances at the time. SOmetimes it's worth it to stand up and say - "that was offensive", and sometimes it's not.

Again, if you felt offended, then you had every right to feel that way.

:thumbsup:

It was pretty rude. I think your feelings about it are an accurate indicator of what happened. Did you tell him how you felt about it? I think it's a mistake for people to tell you to 'get used to it' or 'expect it'. Expect better, at least in terms of who you get involved with. Casual friends are one thing but still it would be generous of you to clue him into his oafish behavior so he doesn't offend a potential love interest. But when it comes to someone you have a romantic interest in, don't put up with crappy behavior like this. If guys here are saying that men only fake listening to women then don't settle for less than a damn good faker. ;)

I'd like Ava to say what she thought his intent was...


on edit-I'm on someblody else's computer and it sucks for a lack of a better word.fixed typos..

"I'd like Ava to say what he thought his intent was..."

do you mean 'what SHE thought his intent was?

We aren't talking about what young males know or don't know, Ava asked for a validation of her feelings. I think her feelings are valid. There are two possibilities, either he meant no harm and blurted it out, or he didn't care about how making a comment like that in the middle of a conversation might make her feel. Either way, it was rude, and he's going to have to learn sooner or later not to do that. Especially since he's going to be working for the rest of his life most likely and that kind of thing is considered sexual harassment in the work place, when it happens repeatedly.

I would never question her's or anybody's feelings...

Also, the net is a stark place to have a discussion...

What I am trying to say is context is everything...If he was a "man" and Ava was of like age I would find his behavior much more intolerable...Given the fact that he's only seventeen years old and an immature seventeen year old I find his behavior a little less intolerable...He clumsily made a compliment... All most people want to be is liked...


on edit -Of course I meant "She" but I'm at an internet cafe and I am having a heck of a time using this computer...

Also, My intent wasn't to offend anybody but I place a high value on intent, within reason...If somebody said or did a "wrong thing" I would judge him lor her less harshly if there was no ill intent...

PEACE

gut instincts, that 'still, small voice' that you hear if you listen quietly enough. Probably every major mistake I've made in my life has come from ignoring that little voice in my gut. It needs to be fostered in young women and not discounted. I"m going to go out on a limb here and say that why this kid said what he said doesn't matter. Ava didn't ask "should I be offended and therefore hate his guts/ whack him in the nuts/whatever" she just asked about an emotional reaction, not ensuing behavior. That emotional reaction is really the ONLY thing that women have to tell them when something is awry in the people they interact with, and especially at that age young women are taught repeatedly to ignore it. I don't think jumping from her reaction in the situation, which is what she asked about, to immediately excusing his behavior and trying to get her to see 'his side of things' is a healthy message to give at all. She'll need to listen to that little twinge in her abdomen more and more as she grows older.

All I am saying is maybe the kid's just socially maladroit or he just doesn't give a rip about someone else's feelings...If it's the latter I judge him a lot more harshly... As far as Ava she has a right to feel anyway she wants ...

In reading this thread(it's hard because this alien computer) it seems Ava thought he was a nice person and this behavior was out of character...

PEACE

DSB

anything is possible but when I hear a woman asking "do I have a right to my feelings about this" the answer is always "yes" regardless of the details of the situation, or the motives of the people involved. I'm really surprised to see so many "boys will be boys" answers and variations on here. That is not the point; in fact it's irrelevant. When you have women ignoring that little voice inside that tells them they've just been insulted or violated in some way, and that becomes entrenched in behavior, it can lead us down a dangerous road...that is why I am saying young women don't need to be swamped with explanations about what may or may not motivate boorish behavior, but instead need to listen to their own feelings about it and be validated.

(I got to the other one first. :) )

The "just get used to it" meme sucks, imo. She SHOULDN"T HAVE TO!!!

THAT would really be...just...clumsy

I guess

That would really piss me off, actually.

He may have been listening to what you were saying, but he doesn't quite know how to talk to a young woman, so he said the first thing that came to mind (that wouldn't get him in trouble).

He's probably kicking himself. In the meantime, is this young man a progressive and good enough for our Ava? ;-)

Julie

It's a possible sign that he wants to talk to you, but only so long as you're not too smart. It's a sign that his interest in you is more physical than social.

It's also a way putting the conversation back on more stereotypical grounds. You're expected to be light and fluffy and social, and he controls the tone of the discussion.

At the very least, I'd be wary and pay attention during future conversations.

I'd most likely be like "Clearly you're not paying attention; why don't I continue this conversation elsewhere?" and see what happens.

'uh.. sorry about that' :evilgrin:

He was NOT listening to you - that was disrespectful and shallow.

or just the context in which it was given?

the fact that he interrupted me, and that he wasn't listening to me.. it is more of an annoyance than and offense. i'm use to "compliments".. at least this one was about my legs rather than something else *rolls eyes*

no one likes to be treated like just a piece of meat (well maybe just once I'd like to be :P )

I get what you are saying though Ava and he wasn't paying attention to you. I guess you can either be offended, or flattered, depending on how you feel about him and what his intentions are.

My guess is that you feel mostly offended by it.

Another time, another place. It's like totally disrespecting your ideas to have said that.

:hi:

It's hard to know exactly what's going on in a situation like that, but based on my own innate nerdy boyishness, it's something like this:

He LIKES you, and is desperate to get that across. He's not paying attention because he's desperate to get across that he likes you. This is not easy at that age. He is in an altered state, and is incapable of coherent, rational discussion. Perhaps he really *is* just crass, but likely, he was working himself up to a moment, and chose a very bad time.

Likely, he's at home kicking himself right now. "Why did I say that at that precise moment? ARGH!!! I'm so stupid!"

By itself, it doesn't mean much. If it's a pattern, then perhaps he has problems. But young guys around pretty girls are historically known to be pretty amazingly stupid. Let him know (gently) that you expect him to pay attention to what you have to say. If he has half a brain, he will. Wait, that sounds wrong. It's those situationally inappropriate comments that are really awkward. Most guys need a little training still at that age. His social skills need work.

don't quite know how to talk to women.

Part of being a teenager means putting up with random acts of "sweet in a teenage movie but probably inappropriate during conversations about mass genocide" commentary from the opposite sex. Usually from males. No really, ALWAYS from males. It's not that they're not paying attention, it's that they have no sense of "right time, right place" when they're letting on that they like you. Sometimes randomness in dialogue lasts well into your 30s and 40s, but the comic timing gets far better, you'll find.

Um, yeah, that's really all I have to offer. Now GET OFF MY LAWN!!! :)