Advice Please on 'The Sex Talk' with a twelve year old

Okay, long story short.My niece just turned twelve and my brother(her father)wants me to have "that talk" with her(the birds and the bee's)He is a single parent and its just the two of them. Her and I have a great niece/Unlce relationship and my brother is just too embarassed and wants me to do it. I sort of think it would be better coming from a woman (even a longer story about her mother.Lets just say she is NOT in the picture)

So,heres my question. What should I do? How do I go about handling it?Would it be better if a woman talked to her? Her and I are close and unlike my brother I am not really embarassed or uncomofrtbale but I am concerend how she will feel.Is there a website with Q & A's I can refer to as a guide? I thought about asking a school counselor but am afraid they'll tell me Thats the parent's job (& I think they would be correct)What would you do if you were in my shoes?

Speaking to the biology of sex, and then going from there.

But then again, I'm a geek...

There are plenty of books in the library your brother could read to prepare for it.

I had that talk with my son, when I was a single mother of him. It had to be done.

is there a female you trust??? If you had one in the mix she would feel a little
more comfortable....
I do not envy you..... Asking the counselor or school nurse is a good idea....

:pals: good luck

lost

Many kids just don't want to hear stuff from parents. The more obviously uncomfortable the parents are the less kids want to listen.

I gave my little sister the talk, and it went very well.

Have a checklist of topics to discuss, break it up into a couple of separate discussions, have some good references handy to give her, make it clear that you're available for questions anytime afterward. That would be my advice. :)

She's always telling me stuff she doesn't want Dad to know about. They rented a R rated horror movie and its our secret so I'm alot more laid back with her.(My brother in my opinion is way to strict of a parent)So, I'm not bothered plus I'm gay (I have a feeling this might be some of why I was chosen for the job)

and Rolling Stones Music.....

My dad was the one to give me "the talk" as my mom would NEVER have been able to (not her thing). It was cool, a little funny because he was awkward and uncomfortable, but I appreciated him making the effort. Since you are the cool uncle and she feels comfortable with you, I see no reason why you can't be the one to give her the talk. She may feel freer to ask you questions that she'd be reluctant to talk to her dad about, and you are a trusted adult, not another kid who will be talking out of their ass the whole time (I have MANY memories of some of the hilarious crap we told each other before we knew what was what).

I'll check it out.

I'm writing that down so I can tell it to my kids when they ask me.

"Our Whole Lives" is BRILLIANT. It's somewhat from a Christian perspective, but the science and the reality are very much there - wonderful, wonderful stuff. Honest, real, and pulls no punches. They have cirricula from Kindergarten through adult. It can be bought on Amazon.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/002-9454250-0608855?initialSearch=1&url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=our+whole+lives&Go.x=0&Go.y=0&Go=Go

Another one is the book "Girls And Sex" (and also "Boys and Sex") by Wardell Pomeroy. Both are out of print, but both can be gotten on Amazon from used book sellers, http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Sex-Wardell-Pomeroy/dp/0385302517/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-9454250-0608855?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1190250722&sr=1-1

For my money, these are still the best books available for sex ed for those who need to know - everything from masturbation, anatomy, how sex works, how all the parts work, foreplay, STDs, contraception, and so forth.

When I was a teen, I went through a precursor program of the Our Whole Lives and used the Boys and Sex book. I do wish that they had also given us the Girls book (and the girls should also have gotten the boys book). My sexual maturity and comfort with talking about sexuality stems, I'm sure, entirely from having had those open and real discussions and lessons as a 12 year old.

Boys definitely need to learn about girls' sexuality, and girls need to learn about boys.

Of the two, though, I think boys are far more ignorant about girls than vice versa.

my mother gave me a copy of 'Our Bodies, Ourselves.' I read it cover to cover. We had several Q&A sessions afterwards. I have always been grateful to my mother for that.

My older brothers got copies too. The oldest says he was working as a gofer in an insurance agency and brought up the book in a discussion with his female colleagues. He wound up being sent to the bookstore to buy half a dozen copies for them!

In retrospect, the title was a bit industrial-strength for a kid, but nothing else published even came close in terms of useful information. I got what I was able to grok at the time, and referred back to it many times over the years.

was enlightened. How nice for you.

I was told we all came from the grocery store until I was about 10 and Mom let me take the sex ed class - I actually argued with the teacher about where we come from -- I told her point blank I didn't believe her, that I knew for a fact that we came from the produce section. All the kids laughed at me for fucking ever and the running joke was "Hey lettuce head" "Hey cabbage girl" "Hey onion brain" it was cruel.

Now, I know we came from the meat department.

:spray:

I have given away so many of them, it's become a bit of a standing joke at our house. It's an absolutely must in every woman's library. (OT but that picture of Gerri Santoro haunts me to this day... :cry: )

I've also heard great things about "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret" although that one seems to be equal amounts puberty and religious expression; which isn't bad, of course, but not helpful for non-Jewish/Christians.

And if so, ask her what she already knows, and not to worry about not knowing or being wrong about anything.

Listen, is my best advice. No one listens to children. Which is a shame as they are closer to wisdom than we are.

Good luck, and maybe you can make a new friend.

No fair palming off his job on someone else. And isn't 12 a little late to begin broaching the subject?

1) You're not allowed to date until you're 18.
2) You're not allowed to kiss a boy (or girl, whatever) until you're 21.
3) You're not allowed to have sex until after I'm dead.

no dating until you're married!

:rofl:

what Catholic school did you attend?
From our priest when I was a pre-teen/teen, these words of wisdom:

"Where there's smoke there's fire. and "Don't date Protestant boys!"

Dupe dupe dupe dupitty dupe.

say it! It's fun! DUPE!

Thanks for the responses. My niece is comfortable and in some ways I think she's more comfortable with me talking about it than her dad. I agree about girls learning about the boys and vice versa.It would have made my life alot easier.

Thanks again. Still have no idea where to begin, but appreciate all the feedback.Its been helpful!

The Care and Keeping of You http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&endeca=1&isbn=1562476661&itm=10
This is more a book about puberty and body changes, but my daughter and I read it together and she regularly refers back to it.

Everything You Never Wanted Your Kids to Know about Sex but Were Afraid They'd Ask
http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/isbnInquiry.asp?z=y&EAN=9781400051281&itm=1

Good luck!
Debbi

I bought my (then 9) ten year old that book one day when we were out shopping together. It isn't so much about sex, but a LOT about why your body does stuff like grow hair in new places and what are periods... There is some stuff about dealing with grooming issues and fitness--so it isn't totally focused on puberty. I also agree that Our Bodies Ourselves is a terrific book--I think just about every woman should at least read it at some point or another, and probably ought to own a copy.

Maybe I'm over thinking this stuff too much, but I have always worked very hard at NOT getting all up-tight about talking about sex with my daughter. I think it sends an awful message about our attitudes about sex when we get all freaked out about discussing it. I also think that as a woman, I owe it to my kid to make sure she understands that being female is kinda cool. It isn't ALL about periods and cramps--there is something pretty cool about being able to carry a baby and then feed it--that is some pretty major stuff that you just don't see men doing (as a general rule, anyway!)

Sex is a primal drive, and making it seem like it is something that makes us uncomfortable to even TALK about, just feels wrong to me--certainly more wrong than being open about it. I dunno, there sure are a lot of people who are majorly messed up when it comes to sex, and maybe as a parent I can help my kid NOT to end up that way if i take the time to talk to her about it honestly and without a bunch of drama.


YMMV.


Laura

great pix and explanations about sexuality and body changes. Also I would encourage dad to relax and learn to be more open about this kind of thing, since it might make communciation about other uncomfortable issues easier over time. It's on Amazon - I just looked. I also think kids let you know when they are curious with the comments and questions that they have.

She is lucky to have someone like you in her life!

Second, tell your brother to sack up. It's his job, and if she ever needs to come to him later, (say, pregnant and terrified at 16? God forbid) there will be a foundation there that she can rely on.

and I would bet that health class at school has also covered a lot of the fundamentals. In our supremely conservative school district 4th and 5th graders get ALL the facts. 6th, 7th and 8th grade health covers more extensive information on biology, STDs etc. I would be pretty surprised if she doesn't already know a hell of a lot. And it's more than likely that she already has gotten her period.

So that's where I'd start: with what she knows and go from there. I would start with something like "So your dad wanted me to sit down with you and make sure you have all the facts of life. I'm guessing you know a lot but I want to make sure that you and I are comfortable talking about this cause your body, and sex, and drugs, and rock and roll, are going to play an increasingly large part in your life from here on out, and it's important you have someone you can get the real facts from, get advice from, and use as a sounding board."

It's pretty easy to take it from there. The hardest part will probably be when you ask her if she needs feminine supplies and does she need you to shop with her for those things. If possible, recruit a female to go with her to shop for that stuff. It's intensely personal and surprisingly embarrassing for young girls plus there are so many products it helps if someone can talk about it with some degree of knowledge.

My kids are raised on a breeding farm so sex has been de-mystified from the earliest years ("where are you going Mom?" "To O'Hare to pick up the semen shipment for Misty since her follicle's at 40 and her cervix is soft enough, so today's her day to get preggers." "Oh great! Can you pick me up a Cinnabun while you're at the airport?") but shockingly enough, standing in that store aisle confronted with actually having to buy feminine supplies rendered my oldest girl completely embarrassed.

Good luck. Be prepared to laugh. Acknowledge that the discussion is tough. Honesty works wonders and at 12 years old she will appreciate that you are approaching her like an adult, letting her know that this first discussion is hard but that hopefully with time, she'll know she can always count on her uncle to be there for her for the hard times, the embarrassing times, and more.

I guarantee. That's a talk that should have been ongoing since a long time ago.

And so, I would suggest approaching it by casually saying, "You probably know about sex already but..." and going from there. What you need to cover are the things like safety and responsibility, not the ins and outs (pun definitely intended).

And shame on him for letting his daughter reach the age of 12 without ever talking about this stuff.

By the time I wanted to actually touch a girl, I'd known what it was all about for many years.

If that's not the case, if the parents can't bring themselves to talk about sex, every kid needs a cool aunt or uncle who they can get accurate information from.

There's some good books recommended above, but quite honestly some parents are going to freak out no matter what. When I was a kid one of our friends was expressing some rather bizarre speculations about women and sex and my mom overheard him and gave him some accurate information. It seemed pretty boring and commonplace to us, but the kid told his parents and they told him he couldn't come to our house anymore.

But you know, I see the breastfeeding arguments here on DU, and I gotta wonder... My mom and my wife are both rather militant about breastfeeding and very outspoken about sex, and I know there are people who consider themselves good progressive liberals who they might make uncomfortable. Parents can be especially touchy about their kids, and it doesn't help that in today's bizarre society we expect to find child molesters lurking in every shadow, even within our families.

Statistically, family members accout for about half of sexual abuse against girls and about 20% against boys.

Source: David Finkelhor, sociologist at University of New Hampshire

Even within our own families. If everyone is a potential child molester, where are kids supposed to get reliable information from? Television?

:shrug:

It's sexist yeah, but men do tend to be rather clueless.

In a lot of ways I'm fortunate to live within a community of very strong outspoken women who don't shy away from talking about sex or anything else.

A lot of kids are not so lucky.

that tells you what is appropriate at what age. Invaluable.

At this girl's age, you needn't worry too much about age approriate stuff, however, since she's probably heard a lot already and unfortunately, some of it will have been factually incorrect (esp. about how you can/can't get pregnant/an STD.

She needs to protect her health, both physical and emotional. Supplement with "Our Bodies, Ourselves." My daughters got a lot out of that book.