Awesome Jokes Of The Day

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Blonde Year In Review!

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels...HELLOOO!...bottles won't fit in printer.

March - Got really excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months....box said "2 - 4 years"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours...power went out.

May- Tried to make Kool-Aid - wrong instructions... 8 cups of water
won't fit into that little packet.

June- Tried to go water skiing - couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stoke swimming competition...learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms.

August- Got locked out of my car in a rain storm...car swamped
because soft-top was open.

September- The capital of California is "C", isn't it?

October- Hate M&M's - they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days...instructions said 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108 !!!

December - Couldn't dial 911- duh - there's no eleven on the stupid phone.

~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after
graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike
through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant
seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply
embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could,
Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after
which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious
look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned,
and walked away. Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the
events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago
Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant
enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to
near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large
bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off
the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up
his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into
the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its
trunk around one of Mbembe' s legs and slammed him against
the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is serious stuff...Beer contains female hormones!

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists released the
results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female
hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer
consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn
into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test
subjects:

1) argued over nothing.
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional.
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally
8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!
~~~~~~~~
Dear Diary,

This morning. the math teacher singled me out to ask me, "If you have
$200, and you give $60 to Mary, $60 to Sally and $60 to Susan, what
would you have?"

Turned out that "an orgy" was not the correct answer. Live and learn.
~~~~~~~~~~~




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