Tell me a good joke!!!

And if it's dirty, religious in nature, or generally offensive, all the better.

They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while behind bars. On the bus, the first convict turned to the second and asked "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that he intended to paint anything he wanted. Then he asked the first "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly by himself. The other two took notice and asked, "What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and said "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He pointed to the box and said, "Well, according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

- A *Paris Hilton* - an expensive hole
- A *James Joyce* - an impossible read
- A *Rock Hudson* - looked straight, but wasn't.
- A *Cuban* - needed one more revolution
- An *Elton John *- a big bender that lips the rim
- A *Lou Gehrig* - a dead Yank
- An *Adolf Hitler* - two shots in the bunker
- A *Saddam Hussein* - from one bunker straight into another
- A *Yasser Arafat* - ugly and in the sand
- A *Kate Winslett* - a little bit fat but otherwise perfect
- A *John Kennedy, Jr.* - didn't make it over the water
- An *O.J. Simpson* - got away with it
- A *Princess Grace* - should have taken a driver
- A *Princess Di* - shouldn't have taken a driver
- A *George W.* - steadily fading
- A *condom* - safe, but didn't feel very good
- A *circus tent* - a BIG top
- An *Anna Kournikova* - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
- A *Brazilian* - Shaved the hole
- A *Rush Limbaugh* - too far to the right

Maybe only appreciated by golfers.... :-)
-

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

:rofl:

:evilgrin: (Nah, just kidding, I couldn't do that to you.) ;)

OK, so these two muffins are sitting in the oven. One of them says, "Man, it's hot in here!" And the other one says, "HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MUFFIN!!" :rofl: (I don't know why that cracks me up so much, but it does every time.) :hi:

I think you'll appreciate this one...

Q: What's brown and sticky?
































A: A stick!


Similarly stupid yet always cracks me up... i love the muffin one, gotta remember that! :rofl:

His buddy asks "Have you seen a doctor?"
The guy answers "No, just spots."

answer in white


crib death


:yoiks:

Holy f'n shit!!!!

We'll just add that to the list of reasons why.
:o

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

I'll save you a seat on the train to hell.

:spank:

please explain!

then drag the arrow down.

...and I will be there with you because I laughed my ass off! :rofl:

on an island for several years. One day, while staring out to sea, he thought he saw a beautiful woman wading ashore. He rubbed his eyes in disbelief, but there she was, a hot young lady in a wetsuit coming his way.

She walked up to him and asked, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"A long time. I can barely remember my last one"

She unzips the top of her suit a bit, and pulls out a pack of smokes and a lighter and hands it to him. He proceeds to light up, enjoying the hit from the nicotine.

"How long has it been since you've had a drink?"

"I'd love to have one. It's been quite a while."

She unzips the top of her suit a bit more, and pulls out a bottle of fine single malt, and hands it to him. "Enjoy it."

He takes a swig, and along with the cigarette, he thinks he's in heaven.

She starts to unzip her suit a bit more, and asks "How long has it been since you've played around?"

He stares at her and says





























"Don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!"

Edit to add another one:

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father
died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look
like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few
years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Jesus and Moses are out golfing one day and they walk up to the first tee.
Jesus tells Moses "I think I'll hit a 2-iron here".
Moses looks at him incredulously, "Are you kidding? Tiger Woods couldn't hit the green with a 2-iron!"
Jesus looks at Moses, "Have you forgotten who I am?"
"Fine!" says Moses "Do whatever you want!"
Jesus dives a might whack at the ball and slices it right into a nearby water hazard.
"Damn!" he says in disgust, and he walks out onto the water to take his second shot.
As he is addressing the ball, two golfers walk up to the first tee where Moses is still standing.
"Look at that guy standing on the water!" one says to the other, "Who does he think he is, Jesus Christ?"
"No", Moses responds,"That is Jesus Christ. He thinks he's Tiger Woods!"

We used to tell that joke about Arnold Palmer...

It was pissed off.

An old man lived alone in the country.

He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie

Nice. Clean, but I'll take it.

And the bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The receptionist said, "Hello, sir. Can you please tell me why you're here to see the doctor today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he wasn't good at the salesman part of the job. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, just had about enough and warned John that if he didn't sell anything to the next customer, it would be his last one.
Just then a man came in with a nagging cough and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup.
However, remembering Bob's warning, he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post in obvious physical agony.
Bob had seen the whole thing, even seeing the customer leaning on the lamp post, and came over to ask John what happened with the customer.
"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take the stuff all at once," John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!!" Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will," John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post. "Look at him. He's afraid to cough."

A young woman brought a very young and skinny baby to the doctor's office. She explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week."
She was told to go into an examination room and wait for the doctor. He comes in and examines the baby, then asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"
"Breast fed." she says. "Well, strip down to your waist." He orders. She
does. He squeezes both breasts, massages them, pinches both nipples, and
then began powerfully sucking on one nipple.
Finally he announces, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."
"Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I sure am glad that I'm the one that brought him in today."

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-girlfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.
But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

...can anyone top it?

:eyes:

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says: "Perfect timing. You're
just like Frank."

PASSENGER: "Who?"

CABBIE: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all
the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

PASSENGER: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

CABBIE: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have
won the Grand Slam of tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like
an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star ... and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!"

PASSENGER: "Sounds like he was something really special."

CABBIE: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. Could
remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, well, he could do everything right."

PASSENGER: "Wow, some guy then?"

CABBIE: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
traffic jams. Again, not like me who always seems to get stuck in
them. But Frank, well, he never made a mistake -- NEVER!
And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his
clothing was always immaculate -- shoes highly polished too! He was the perfect man! He NEVER made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

PASSENGER: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

CABBIE: Well, I never actually met Frank, I just married his f***ing
widow!"

For his birthday, little Ben asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Ben heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Ben told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And Well!...I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no bike. So I'm leaveing!!"

That's a compliment from a guy who's been up going on 48 hours.

His hand caught fire.

The bartender is a horse.

Guy looks at him for a couple of minutes.

Horse says "Whassa matter? Never seen a horse tending bar before?"

And the guy says:





























"No. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

:spray: :rofl: :thumbsup:

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for Bear Removers. He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?", asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog," he said.

"Didja hear the one about a baby seal that walked into a club...?"

Fuckin' Brilliant! Next to DS1's joke, that is the best so far!

They are all alone in a lifeboat in the middle of the vast ocean. They begin to go through the provisions in the boat when one of them finds an old pot. As he wipes the dust off of it, a genie appears and announces, "I'm a one wish genie. One wish will be granted."

Without any hesitation or consultation, one of the guys shouts out, "I wish the ocean were made of beer!"

Poof! The entire sea is beer, and the genie disappears.

"You IDIOT," shouts the other guy. "Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

Two homeless men are talking about their day. The first says, "I had a great day today. I was walking around the hotel district, hoping to get some change, when some lady in a Mercedes convertible pulled into the valet parking lane at the Wyndham. She went inside, but nobody came to the car. I walked over and saw two Happy Meals in the passenger's seat."

"Did you take them?" asked the second guy. "Absolutely. I got two burgers and a lot of fries. Best meal I've had in months!"

The second guy says, "that's great, but I think my day was even better. I was walking through the warehouse district looking for some food, when I came upon this beautiful girl tied to the railroad tracks. I got her untied and off the tracks."

"Wow," says the first guy. "I hope she rewarded you."

"Oh, yeah!"

"Did she let you play with her breasts?" he asked. "She sure did" was the reply.

"Did she let you have sex with her?" "Yes," said the second guy with a smile. "She was fantastic!"

"Did she give you oral sex?" "No, we didn't do that at all."

"Why not?" asked the first.


(Brace yourself)

"I never did find her head."

Wait for it...


















Wait for it...













To get a better grip on the broom!


<rimshot>



What's long, hard, black, and full of seman?















Wait for it...













Wait for it...














A submarine!

<rimshot>

A cowboy is moving a herd of cattle across the range to slaughter. After s successfully getting the herd to the stockyards, he decides to get a drink at a saloon. So he steps up to the bar and orders a beer. While he's drinking it, he notices a sign above the bar that says "Make our horse laugh, win $50". He ponders this for a couple of beers, then asks the bartender about it.

"Yup, the horse is out back," says the bartender. "Want to give it a try?"

"I do indeed," says the cowboy.

The bartender and the cowboy go out back to a stable and the bartender points to a stallion in a nearby stall. The cowboy walks up to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear. To the bartender's great surprise, the horse snorts and bellows great big horsey laughs.

Puzzled, the bartender pays the cowboy the $50. The cowboy has another drink, and leave shortly thereafter.

Next year, the cowboy has helped bring in another herd of cattle to the same city and decides to get a well-deserved drink from the same saloon. He walks up to the bar, orders a beer, and while he's drinking it, notices that a new sign is up. It says "Make our horse cry, win $100".

The cowboy flags down the bartenders and asks about the sign. "Yeah, it's for real." the bartender replied. "The horse is out back. Want to give it a try?"

"I would love to," the cowboy responded, and one again followed the bartender out to the stall in the stable out back.

This time the cowboy goes into the stable. A few seconds later, to the bartender's dismay, the horse begins crying great big horsey sobs of dispair.

The cowboy come back out of the stall and returned to the bartender while the horse cried and sulked in a corner. He held out his hand, and the bartender reluctantly put the $100 in it.

"Hey," said the bartender, "weren't you here last year? Made the horse laugh, right?"

"Yup." replies the cowboy.

"Well, mister, I'm kinda curious about how you managed to do it. And seeing as you have $150 of my money in your pocket, I was hoping you would be kind enough to tell me how you did it."

"Sure", said the cowboy. "The first time, to make the horse laugh, I told him my dick was bigger than his. The second time I showed him."

<rimshot>

:-)

A teacher was explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she said.

A little girl raised her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the big dog who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say "Fuck," the big dog ate him!"

Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.

On his left is the most beautiful woman in the world, and on his right shoulder sits a little man. He orders three shots, and after they're done the little man jumps down and kicks the glasses behind the bar breaking several bottles of booze.

The bartender came running from the end of the bar yelling at the little guy to stop. The man says no problem here I'll pay the damages and pulls out a huge roll of bills. he counts out a few hundred and rips the bartender as well.

Next day the same man, woman, and little guy walk into the bar, order three shots and when they're done the little man jumps down kicks the glasses into the mirror breaking it.

The bartender came running down the bar yelling stop stop. The man says no problem, pulls out the roll of bills pays off the damage and they leave.

Next day the same three walk into the bar and order three shots. The bartender though, he doesn't want to serve them, giving the little guy the evil eye.

The man says will you hear my story first, to which the bartender agrees.

So, he says three years ago I was stranded on a deserted island, one day this bottle washes up on shore and I open it. Out comes a genie and gives me three wishes for saving him.

My first wish was for the most beautiful woman in the world and here she is.

My second wish was for all the money I could ever spend, pulling out the roll he says and here it is, it never stops.

The bartender intrigued says yeah then what.

The man says then I wished for a ten inch prick and pointing to the little man there he is.