If I did the right thing, and it wasn't my fault, then why do I feel lousy?

A conflict that began 16 years and 8 months ago has ended with armistice and withdrawal: my 16 year old daughter will go to live with her mother.

Gwen never accepted that I had gotten re-married. I guess this is mostly because since her mother was out of the scene at about age 2, lasting until my re-marriage when she was 9, she only had to share "Daddy" with her two brothers.

Gwen NEVER would give any real respect to Deb. From the get-go, she was at best reticent, at worst in full rebellion. It didn't help that the ex was constantly being the "Princess Mom" to whom all positive attributes could be ascribed. But to want to leave home because she doesn't get to stay out all night (at friends' houses, supposedly) Friday and Saturday, and has to do a decent job on a couple of chores doesn't seem like an act other than insane.

It came to a head on Saturday Night when she stormed out of the house, disconnected her phone and disappeared until mid day on Sunday. That was it: I was at my absolute end, she wanted to go live with "...my Mother who LOVES ME..." in New York, so I said fine.

She's staying with a friend until her mother comes to town to pick her up. That hurts worst: that she will not even make peace for a lousy two weeks and stay in her own home until she leaves.

So. What did I do wrong?

Nothing, says the SO. She was determined to try and drive the SO away from the first day. I can see some of that.
Nothing, say the boys. Gwen was going to go her own way no matter who it hurts and no matter what it costs her and others.
Nothing, says Gwen. It's all Deb, and there's nothing she can do about that, plus a few hurtful digs at me "...choosing Deborah..." over her an the boys (the boys were kind enough to tell me that was bullshit. One little nail out of the cross.)
Nothing, says the Ex. She'd always said there might be one of them that I just couldn't "Parent" and would have to send back to her. The fact of that doesn't bug me, by the way: nobody's perfect after all.

So it's over, the main source of fighting and conflict in the house is no longer in the house. So why do I feel so lousy?

I do have one small confession: Gwen has NO IDEA what the Ex has in mind for her. Gwen's "Hanging Out" days are at an end, and she's not taking the car. OUCH. AND, the Ex plans to let her chill in Public High School for the last term of 11th grade, then spend Senior Year in a CATHOLIC School, complete with classes segregated by sex and UNIFORMS. Dear Holy Jumping Jesus, I should be able to hear the scream from here in Michigan.

Yeah, it's been extremely difficult. I haven't had one full week since 2000 where if Deb sounded pissed off, my first thought was not "What has that girl done NOW???" The silence will be deafening, and I expect the number of migraines and cases of heartburn to drop like a rock.


I still feel lousy.

it's a tough age, don't take it personally (I know, it's impossible, but really)

in a few years you'll have a conversation that runs kinda like this

GUD (grown up daughter): hey Dad, don't know how you put up with me then

DBCD (Delighted but confused Dad): well.....

GUD : I love you Dad, sorry I was such a brat

DBCD: I love you too sweetie

And if that's the case I think that's a perfectly natural reaction of any parent in your situation. But you have to know that some things are beyond your control.

If it makes you feel any better, I was a lot like your daughter when I was that age. My parents are divorced as well. As I grew older I came to appreciate all of my parents, including my step-dad. I think your daughter might come to that conclusion as she matures.

Well, that's my armchair psychology session for the day. 5 cents please. :)

I've had a tough year with my son this year too, and honestly, even when I was doing right, it hurt.

Trust me, in time, she'll be able to see things from a view different from her own. Right now she doesn't know how to look at things from a different perspective. But she will, in time.

:hug:

god willing they will mature and turn back into a human being again.
hard to become independent. Some kids gently untie the binds of childhood, some use a flame thrower.
Just hang in there--there is nothing else you can do...

You know us. The "problem solvers." When SO just wants to "talk" we are more than happy to outline a new world view for them that will solve all of their issues and solve world hunger at the same time.

The problems involved with this seemed SO FUCKING SIMPLE. I guess it "feels" like failure at the moment, and I have to get past that.

I hope she changes her perspective (a lot) when she's here in NY. And I hope your ex can handle her. :(

I hope you two can mend fences at some point, and I hope the stress level goes way down.
:hug:

but some of them are WRETCHED.
I was WRETCHED.

You're providing her with rules, demands, and structure. That is your job, even if she doesn't like it. One day, she'll find out that being a grown-up in the world demands the same. Hang in there- you're doing the best you can.

Hugs to you and Deb. Parenthood is a tough racket!



:hug:

A little over a year ago, we moved from Minnesota to California. My son is 16 and is now a Junior in high school. When we moved, he was a sophomore. I enrolled him in school here, and he was very unhappy. He went back to Minnesota (he is with my parents) to finish high school.

It was a very difficult decision, and the right decision, but I still cry about it.

and that it should have happened a long, long time ago.

Enjoy your boys and your second wife.

Gwen is the last of mine.

Deb has an adopted daughter from china.

That's the ugly side to parenting that people don't address enough. To love someone unconditionally who says or does something to cause you heartache is excruciating. Then there's the parent guilt we can never escape from.

It sounds like Gwen has a lot of growing up to do (typical for the age) and perhaps a sudden shock to her schedule and surroundings will help her do that.

Hang in there. It might take 1-15 years, but you'll most likely get an apology at some point. :hug:

It sounds like you have done your very best, unlike the harridan I was unlucky enough to get for a mom. She is now playing grief whore after my brother's death. Any problems that were there before are now 100-fold, and we were ripping each other's throats out right on schedule over the phone this past Saturday.

Hopefully, the ex's draconian measures will make Gwen's time with you look like a picnic, and she'll start getting a clue x 4.

Aren't families fun? Sometimes I wish I'd been an orphan.

Dad, who I was on best of terms with, has been dead since 1991. Mom is slowly going nuts from long term untreated depression. Sis is practicing for a new career giving Bitch lessons, Bro is non-empathetic and a rePuke to the max.

We would BOTH have made great orphans.

Had any snow up there yet? Remember: the cold kills bugs and the grass stops growing: it ain't so bad.

Definitely need the gloves at this point. But the good part is that I get to wear my favorite Paddington Bear hat. :D

Only, we call her The Queen. She cannot tolerate another female in her world, unless she completely humiliates and breaks them. Imagine being a teenage girl with THAT.

She treated my brother's wife just as badly, and she broke up his marriage. Now, she is working on giving all the grief she can to his three girls. She called me the other day, crying in her beer because none of them will have anything to do with her. I told her why, and I did it in a nice way. Of course my dad, completely co-dependent, called me back and tried to find a way to blame me for the "argument." I would not back down, or let him assign blame.

Even after 12 years of counseling, my brother has a hard time standing up to her. She wrecked his life! I have never let her get close to my marriage or children. We have a superficial relationship, and it will never be anything else. My kids are old enough now to understand why.

I am sorry, Tyler. Your SO sounds like she tried, and so did you. I hope the bad feeling does not linger too long. Someday, you and your daughter will be able to mend fences. I know other kids who resented a step-parent, but later came to appreciate them. I hope things improve soon.

Out of my hands at this point. I can only facilitate the move with as little agony as possible.

Sounds like they should go bowling. My mom has to control everyone or everything around her.

And now she just acts like a drama queen. "I had so hoped that his heart would soften to me and he would let me back in his life, and now that will never happen. I don't know what I did that was so wrong...and I don't guess you want me to come up and visit you at Christmas..."

Well, mom, threatening to kill your kids, placing and removing them from your will to try to control them, stalking them when they want nothing to do with you, signing an atheist up for "Guideposts" magazine "BECAUSE YOU CAN", just STOPPING BY your kid's workplace and embarrassing the living crap out of him....

You know it's bad, when in a guilt-provoking move, she moans that she almost turned on the car in a closed garage, and the only emotion you can summon is complete ambivalence.

You do know that, don't you?

Hear the conviction in my voice?

She is going to have a rough ride that she didn't need to take.

Seriously. My son had a scholarship and had just received a check from his father's life insurance. This was last year, August. He not only skipped so much school as to blow his scholarship, but he treated me like SHIT. He couldn't do anything around the house that I asked. He had his friends over at all hours, loud music, etc. A total and blatant disregard for me feelings and needs.

So, this past February, I moved out. I told the landlord I was leaving and if he wanted to rent to my kid that was up to him but I was done. I took my security deposit and left.

Running out of money, my son took in the worst kind of people, who not only didn't pay him any rent, but literally robbed him blind and then left their stuff in the apartment when they left.

Within 5 months he was calling and begging to come stay w/ me again.

He had nothing. No scholarship, no money, and no "friends".

I know that if I had stayed in that house, he would have never picked those "friends" to live there. But I had to move out. I couldn't control him. The only thing I could control was how much I was willing to put up with. I even warned him that I would leave if he couldn't treat me with respect, but nothing changed. I hit my limit, and I left.

The fact that he was mistreated by his "friends" was a result of HIS behavior, not MINE. I was within my rights to set boundaries.

And you are too.

Kids need to learn that there are limits. No matter how much we love them, we cannot be doormats. How we teach them to treat us is only part of the lesson they need to get along in the world.

You DID do the right thing.

The consequences she faces were of her OWN making.

And yeah, it sucks. You never want to see your kid hurt. And you know that she is about to hurt.

It may take some time, but she will see. :hug: Sorry, sounds so tough!

That what I was providing was what she needed. If she didn't have an option, we wouldn't be having this discussion

Spilled milk.

been in your shoes a couple of times. first daughter pretty much the same situation. sent her to live with "darling daddy" when she was 16 and i was pregnant with my 5th, and she went out of control. but we did 10 years of the whole tug of war bit, and life with daddy was the nightmare i knew it would be. so, she lost her illusions, and grew up. bounced back here for a while, grateful. we all get along fine now that she is grown and gone.
i also have a mentally ill kid, now 20, who has been playing the mommy daddy triangle thing since age 2 or so. she is gone now, also, but i still hold my breath when i think of her. i suspect she will land back home again at some point, but i think she will have a better grip on what is real, and what is in her head.

but catholic school? i do not think they are any better than public schools, they are just pickier about who they take. tried that. expensive mistake.

have a drink, friend. like in baseball, there is no such thing as a perfect pitch- in parenting, i think, there is no such thing as a perfect parent.