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Edited on Sat Nov-17-07 03:56 AM by Wetzelbill
We used to rodeo together, he came from a traumatic family background, and as a result my family became a family to him. He has always been like another brother. A few nights ago he was in a car wreck and was paralyzed from the neck down. His condition has gotten worse and he's in pretty tough shape right now, it doesn't look too good.
The thing is though, I've expected something like this for a long time. He lived a life of chaos. He had some demons from his childhood, losing his family at an early age and being raised by a sister and brother-in-law who didn't treat him all that well sometimes. Most of the time he was a great guy, but when he'd drink, totally change. Do foolish and dangerous things. In the back of my mind, I have always known he'd go on a binge and jump behind the wheel of a car. I just knew it, and that's what happened. It doesn't make it any easier to deal with though.
I always imagined that one day I would get older, and I would kick back and reflect on life with my friends. People like him. That we could talk about how much fun we used to have and all that we accomplished in life. Now it won't ever happen, even if he lives, it won't be like I imagined. And I find myself torn. I feel bad, because I almost wish he would pass away. That a young man (31, I think) who was as physically active as he has always been, shouldn't have to live life in a wheelchair, without any movement of his limbs, without control of his body and it's functions. That a man who was successful with women, will never be able to hold one again. I can't think of him living like that. But yet, I don't want to think of him leaving this world forever.
In many ways, I thought of him as a soul in torment. Life wasn't easy for him in many respects. His background. His battles with alcohol. He always seemed to harbor a type of pain that none of the rest of us knew. And here I am on the other side of the country, we haven't seen each other in years, and only spoke on the phone a few times, I'm wondering, waiting, and hoping to hear something that will tell me it will be alright. That all of this is just a dream. That tomorrow I will wake up and he'll be ok.
We'll all be ok.
But that's not going to happen.
And right now, all I have are thoughts.
Thoughts, hopes, prayers, memories and regrets.
Some of those I'll send his way.
While the others I'll tuck deep down inside of me, and hope they never see the light of day again.
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