How do you figure out if a guy is bisexual?

I just started dating a great guy. He's ultra-metrosexual, but seems to be straight as far as I can tell (he's very "into" me when we make out, anyway...)

And last week we were out to dinner, and he basically checked out another guy who walked by while I was talking. :shrug:

Like turned to look at him, gave him the once over (head to toe), and then continued our conversation. The guy in question was just a normal young guy, nothing unusual. Maybe I'm being paranoid, but I've never been on a date where that happened before.

Should I even worry? Is this normal for guys? I'm now dying to know this guy's orientation, but hell, it's not like I can just come out and ask him! By the way, he's 40, very liberal, and very supportive of gays in general (which is part of why I like him!).

PS--I've been out of the dating pool a loooong time and am out of practice...

If you want to know, ask him.

And if he asks why, tell him what prompted you to ask.

Better to know than to wonder.

Date well...Date smart! ;)

They don't think I have enough to worry about, and think it will offend him completely.

:eyes:

Which is stupid.

then he isn't worth dating.

If it's important for you to know, then all the advice from your guy friends really doesn't matter.

The only thing that matters is what you want in a relationship. And, by wondering and not asking, you are not being honest with yourself or with this man.

Better to learn the things about a person early on with whom you're considering a relationship than to go further into it all because you were fearful of being rejected or offending that person. Because if you do go that route, it just makes it more difficult to extricate yourself emotionally, and wastes time in terms of actually dating others who you may consider to be better suited to who you are and what you want in a relationship.

But, if you want to continue with this guy without asking, then be prepared to follow the pattern you start in not asking about the things that bother you, make you curious, or otherwise feel a need to know.

Honesty helps right from the start, and can help you better define for yourself who will or will not be an important part of your life.


BTW, you wondering about this guy reminds me of this thread I started yesterday...
http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7192813

Just come out and ask him. If he's a secure guy he won't get pissed.

All my guys friends have warned me not to ask, lest I offend him beyond repair. Also, they maintain that even if he is and doesn't want me to know, he'll just lie anyway.

So I feel trapped...like there's no genuine way for me to find out...

And you'll just have to deal.

guy that maybe isn't really right for me due to orientation.

It might work out for the best that way

He's someone I could be with long-term. Just not if he's bisexual or gay.

If you both agree not to fuck other people I don't see the problem.

Kind of like how gay men aren't interested in dating straight women. It's just not the preference.

You have three (or more) choices..

1. You ask and he admits to being bi. relationship over.

2. You ask and he is offended. relationship over.

3. You ask and he doesn't care. relationship possible.

A gay man's reluctance to date a straight woman is founded in the fact that she is a woman, and he is attracted to men.

In your case, you are attracted to men (I assume), but won't date certain men because of their sexual orientation.

If someone asked me that question I would not be offended. If he's really into securing rights for the GLBT community I would no think that he would be, either.

;)

It's different for straights if you ask them if the go the other way. Me, I just kinda laugh if someone asks if I like the ladies, but then again they do not think they are questioning my 'manhood' if they do. It could be touchy so I would suggest you look for more clues that may tip you off before saying something that might bring the drama.

I will give it some time, but in the meantime I'm so paranoid that I might be falling for someone wrong for me. It makes my stomach hurt.

Trust your gut

I know I have posted here a couple of times already, but I have been where you are.

Trust yourself. If it seems like a red flag for you, then it is most likely 99.9% a red flag.

I know it's difficult to date again. Am just letting you know it's okay to trust yourself first.
Am 53 years old, and have learned to not subvert my feelings in order to cater to the possibility of offending some guy.

It takes time to learn to trust yourself and your instincts, but each time you do stand up for yourself and follow through on those gut feelings, you do become a more aware and stronger person.

Good luck! :hi:

I want to think it's the clothes thing, but it doesn't seem probable.

define someone's sexuality?

clothes...nothing special. Therefore, I don't think he was "noticing" the guy based on his clothes. That's all I meant.

which she say she is and therefore checking out the guys clothes . and that's why she thinks he could be bisexual. because it wasn't his clothes that was anything to look at so it must have been the guy.

:thumbsup:

Don't ask him directly. Observe his reaction, or ask for his opinion on the subject. By the way, people "check out" and compare themselves to others for a variety of reasons -- it isn't always sexual attraction.

I don't have a problem with bisexuality. I just don't want to date a bisexual because I really wouldn't know how to handle it...dating is hard enough for me as it is.

and you wouldn't know how to handle what ? can you give things you might be uncomfortable with or not know how to deal with ?

maybe if you really want to know but worry about offending him, have a gay friend ask him. he might just take it as a gay guy who is attracted to him rather than questioning his "manhood" as a previous poster wrote.

There's nothing to "handle." Liking men as well as women doesn't mean he likes men more than women.

:shrug:

It's not like all bisexuals are polyamourous and will force you to date other men along with them, or will bring home strange guys for you to watch.
It can just mean that if you were a dude, he'd probably still like you, and if you two don't work out, next time he might end up with a guy.

:thumbsup:

I can't really figure out how it would make anything harder.

ofcourse if you challenge this as homophobia, the argument is always, "its just my preference", as though preferences are above societal prejudices.

Dating a bisexual is just like dating anyone else.

Would you be bothered if the person you were dating was attracted to more than one hair color?

For the purposes of getting it out of the way as part of the "getting to know you" phase of the non-relationship. I'd also be prepared to answer all of his questions about my orientation/dating past, though.

I know he hates "gay basher" types and has frequently voiced his disgust with them. Maybe next time he mentions something like that, I should ask him to expound...?

and your guy friends. nt

But my guy friends really aren't jerks. They're just trying to help me without causing anyone to get offended.

I don't care if someone is bi. But I do want to know if that someone is a person I might fall in love with...

:shrug:

And I don't know how I would say it...I'm embarassed.

I'd think. Straight or bi, he apparently likes you enough to continue seeing you, but if you're not going to be interested in him if he's bi, it'd be better to let him know that _now_. :hi:

nature?

That's part of what scares me. I don't want him to feel he has to hide it or else lose me. But, I do want to know!

I am so upset over this. I like him so much.

I'm sorry this situation (and it may not even _be_ a "situation") is scaring and upsetting you. But there are risks in all human interactions. :hug: :hug:

Do you mind if I ask _why_ you prefer to date straight men?

as well as women. And if a guy left me for another man, I think it would just about kill my ego.

Just being honest.

it would NEVER stop me from telling them i am bi.

it would also not stop me from thinking they are not worthy of my friendship either.

reasons. I had a friend who dated/got pregnant by a gay man. She didn't realize he was gay until he told her and left her. I'm just really paranoid now about that kind of thing because my friend suffered so.

It's not that I'm against being bi or gay.

:wtf:

Follow through for yourself.

Only you can control your life...no one else.

And if you're getting into a physical relationship with him, know who he really is sexually.
Take care of your health, your mind, and your heart.

You are dating. You are not married or committed to him.

Learn what you need to know about him. Do this for yourself. You are important.

Date him even if he's bi.

But you should ask him, if you have concerns about it. He deserves to know if you're going to stop dating him if he's bi.

Nice "friends."

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

:D

Next time you're talking about anything sexual... slip it in there

...even though I'm straight, I don't get offended if someone just asks me. It does depend on how they ask, though. "Are you gay?" is fine. If they follow up with, "Are you sure?" however, I may get a bit peeved. Further questioning of the "No, really, c'mon, you can tell me" variety invites a swift smack in the chops.

:hi:

He says yes, you've got your answer.

;)

i'm entirely straight, and have had some pretty hot mfm encounters. nothing says that the two guys have to get it on with each other, or even "cross swords".

albeit good wishes. :)



However, I would like to apologize on behalf of some of the rutting swine men adolescent boys in this thread.

trying to be careful with my own feelings after being out of the dating pool so long. I just feel really paranoid and like not taking any unusual risks.

Even dating a totally straight guy is scaring the crap out of me these days!

but what harm comes from asking?

:hi:

Message removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

its what we are known for.

.

:rofl:

this was a fascinating and painfull thread to read.

you had all you wanted to know from your male friends -- nothing anyone said here made one iota of difference to you.

what REALLY comes through isn't the bi thing -- but how insecure you're feeling right now.

you're prime material to get very hust -- it seems to me -- from any guy you date.
you need to talk these feelings out with some one so you can relax and have fun with whom ever it is you go out with.

Such emotions on her part only invite suspicion. And, to my knowledge, that is not a good sign.

I'm just in a state of confusion/fear. I'm scared of being hurt. I've had friends be hurt in this manner and it's made me more sensitive to it.

I always like your direct and honest replies.

You are right on! :hi:

:hi: :toast:

:toast: and :beer: and :hi: and :loveya: :pals:

respect any genuine DU responses I get.

I don't trust my male friends more. I was just trying to get a handle on how to broach the subject (with someone who may be straight) without causing confusion or insult.

I am actually a really nice, overly-sensitive person. And I don't want to get hurt or cause hurt, that's all.

you shouldn't be dating. I'm sorry, but it comes with the territory. I don't really understand how someone being bisexual would be more likely to cause hurt. People from all walks of life, all genders, all orientations have just as much capacity to hurt you as another. Being gay or bi doesn't make someone more likely to cheat on you or leave you, the kind of person they are determines that.

If you're worried about 'competition', I think maybe you need to spend some time with yourself and ask yourself why this is something you worry about. When I started dating again, this incredibly gorgeous talented guy and I hooked up. For a while, I kept asking myself "Why me? I'm this or that. That girl is better than me because of this or that. Is he going to leave me?" etc, until I stopped myself one day. *HE* decided to be with *ME*. Clearly, he cared about me, and I about him. And I cared enough to believe he really did want to be with me. It wasn't his fault for having attractive friends, or for being so awesome, it was mine for being blind and jealous.

other wise you will get hurt.

try not to be too serious about the guys you date -- that way you can both be your selves.

You're saying you're worried about having to compete with both men and women. First of all, if you have to compete with anybody, you're already screwed no matter how his brain is wired. Second of all, if he's into women only, that gives you three billion or so competitors, and he's dating you. If he's bi, there's six billion or so. If you choose to be insecure, he has essentially unlimited options in either case, but the upside in either case is that you're the one out of all those billions he's interested in.

Honestly? You don't sound secure enough to be in a relationship right now, and I don't think you can have a good relationship with somebody you don't feel like you could talk to about absolutely anything.

working on that part.

Right now I just don't feel like I can trust my own instincts.

maybe he thought it was someone he hadn't seen in a long time?

I am just sayin that maybe there are other possibilities.

Anyway, it seems to me that you are scared of falling for this (any) guy and looking for a way out...

"It's okay to look, but never to touch".

Assuming he plays by that rule (and it seems many if not most men don't; fortunately I DO play by that rule but I'm sure somebody will hold it against me, but I digress...), does it matter if he also finds men "interesting"?

He is with you and that is what counts.

Right now, you want to know what sorts of people he wants to wave his magic wand to. But if he told you, and you believed him regardless, would you not worry he'd be out behind your back with a guy? (Let's just say I have empirical experience that makes me quite relevant to this conversation at this time...)

BTW: I also try "not to look". But then, I find the urges to be an annoyance, interfering with the more intellectual pursuits in life. I wonder what Darwin would have to say to that... of course, what he (if not Freud) would have to say about my silly double entendres would be another matter entirely... :evilgrin:

Yes, if he told me he was straight, I would believe him.

if you cant behave like an adult you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.

...except that people seem to be taking it personally. Understandable given the subject.

I was in college amidst the land of the Golden Gophers, and I met this guy at a Jawbox show at the ripe old age of 20. Without getting into too many detail about the fact that he was an asshole and I was naïve, Mr. Right-at-the-Time told me that he was bi (in a really odd setting--a sports bar where I was working a shift).

I had moved from a very small town where the only gay people I saw were the random butch dykes in Madison with flat-tops and rat tails during my intermittent trips to State Street. But I am not here to wax coiffure.

Never fancied myself homophobic, but the same question as yours popped into my head when I finally consulted this very out lesbian from my first women's study class at a coffee shop. We had been discussing Jeannette Winterson and Tori Amos, but I leveled with her and told her my plight...that my boyfriend had told me he was bi and that I didn't know what to do because I couldn't compete with the XYs--on a very pragmatic level, I thought. Well, this was also before I found out about pegging. :evilgrin:

The moral of this story was that Al, who became a longtime friend, asked me some hard questions in a very respectful manner. This was very new territory for me, and she knew it. To this day, I credit her with peeling open my eyelids and making me question everything that I knew about heteronormative life without making me feel like a complete d-bag for even asking the question.

Well, it turned out that the guy was a jackass (and afraid of clowns), but I had this amazing opportunity to really think about my life, and those of the gays and lesbians I had met over that first year up here in the Cities. Because of Al asking me those tough questions (WHY do you feel like you SHOULD be competing with those boys? WHY do you find it threatening? And WHY in the hell haven't you even considered that it has nothing at all to do with YOU?), I took the questions home to the dorms, and after that relationship ended (he told me I wanted sex too much and thought it was weird--riiiiight...okaaaay), I met my first girlfriend, Kemmie. *sigh* A red-headed butch--with no rat tail!! :rofl: How delightful!

Amitten, take these questions home with you, and honestly try to figure out what is a preference and what is you being insecure with your own sexuality and being. Good luck with this, and please take to heart what the other posters have offered you.

feel inside that I'm a straight woman.

I think that's why I want a straight man. I just want us to be on the same page so to speak. Thanks for your story and your wit.

I'm of a couple of feelings here. While I think you have a right to date whomever you choose to date, it seems like where you're coming from is out of lack of knowledge and your own insecurity. If you base your relationship choices on worry over competition, what's up with that? In reality, there's always going to be someone out there more attractive and clever than we are, but once we have a relationship, we need to trust the other person or we'd all go mad. If someone commits to you, be confident in their love.

Sexual attraction isn't love, and negotiating any potential terms of openness to allow a bisexual partner to explore both sides of themselves is really up to the couple. Not to mention, in order to be successful in a relationship where one of the partners are bi, you really need to have a good line of communication. You seem too insecure to ask basic questions. Frankly, it's not something I'd hesitate to ask. If you care for a person, it's something pretty basic about who a person is. If my husband were bi, we'd work it out as he is also open to my needs, but alas, he's hopelessly strait. I doubt there's anything that could open your mind to this, but the one bi guy I was with in my life with was much better in bed than most guys (besides my sexy husband of course). :yoiks:

If your preference is for a straight male, then stick to that.

It's YOUR life and YOUR choice, for cryin' out loud.

I will suggest that the "competition" issue may actually be something else. If you are looking for a life partner, you have every right to want to be able to share everything with that person and vice versa. If he has an attraction to other men, that is a part of his life where you could find yourself on the outside looking in.

Only you can decide what you want and need. If this guy turns out to be bi after all, and you don't want to pursue him further romantically, there should be nothing stopping you and him from maintaining a relationship on the friendship level. I think it's obvious from your posts that him possibly being bi isn't something you are being judgmental about, only that it's not what you are looking for in a partner.


Good luck; hope things work out with this.

:applause:

The not so subtle attempts to paint the OP as somehow unevolved or bigoted because she prefers to date a man who is straight are disgusting in this thread. Stick to your guns, but for God's sake simply ask him. If he gets bent out of shape he'll either get over it or not and if not, there are plenty more out there.

"So - what's with you checking out that guy the other night?" and take it from there?

and he tells you your brother has a cute ass! :evilgrin:

Jeez.

I'd be uncomfortable.

Maybe do the same, give another girl that head to toe, and bring it up if he says anything.

Nonverbal communication pretty much does not lie, though it can be misinterpreted.

Anyone who does that while on a date with you is not into you all that much.

there are lots of reasons for a man to look at other men that have nothing to do with having sex with them. If he's in his 40's, somebody with a good physique passing by might catch his attention, or clothing. Maybe he saw the guy earlier eating something like escargots. Maybe he was daydreaming about something entirely unrelated.

I suggest giving it another go before asking difficult questions.

If that restaurant is a popular place with the "metrosexual" crowd, go back. If he checks out someone else, just ask him then. "What do you think of that guy?" will give him the chance to broach the subject if he is bi, or let him explain that he thought he recognized him or whatever, or he'll just plain deny it. You'll have a lot more to go on, and you'll be able to discuss it there as part of the flow of conversation instead of it being a confrontation.

(On edit, I realize this is sort of a 'sitcom' solution to the problem, but it might actually work.)

Or just rent "In or Out" and "Three to Tango" and see how he reacts. :)

Or the South Park "Metrosexual" episode...

men are on their best behaviour at the beginning of a relationship. Once you're in-the-pocket, so to speak, committed or pregnant, the reality comes to the forefront. In your place, I would continue to closely observe his behaviour, as your gut has waved a red flag, while initiating discussions about sexuality to suss out his beliefs.

You CAN come out and ask him. That doesn't mean he won't deceive you. There are no guarantees in this game, gay-straight-bi-trans.
If you feel insecure, something within you is talking. JUST DON'T IGNORE IT.

Only way.

You sure it isn't better to ask hundreds of other people for advice first, then spend hours contemplating it without ever checking at the source?

(for those who couldn't tell... :sarcasm: ) :P

Sorry. :)