System Restore (warning: possibly downer, philosophical post)

I just spoke with my mom, who wanted to be alone today. My father passed away very suddenly and unexpectedly at age 62 nine months ago today.

Before she broke down crying, she said, "Nine months ago this time, my world was fine."

She and I are similar in that regard, and I suspect many others do the same. When tragedy hits, we tend to think "yesterday at this time, things were okay"..."one month ago, my heart was intact".....system restore, I call it.

I wonder why we do that? And it flies in the face of the advice to live in the moment. So many of us have a really hard time with that, especially when the present moment is so challenging. I see the wisdom of it, yet putting it into practice is so damn hard.

I sit here today, on call for Meals on Wheels, alone. And the alone part is fine with me...it's the way my holidays have been more often than not in the last seven years since leaving my ex. Goodness knows I have plenty to do; there's ALWAYS something to do as a single parent who works 80 hours a week.

But at this moment, I don't want to DO anything. I'm pondering this whole "system restore" approach to life and the difficulty of living in the moment. Having lost a child myself 16 years ago near Christmas, and having lost several loved ones this year, including my 11 and 16-year-old kitties within six weeks of one another recently, this "living in the moment" thing is eluding me. This year my boyfriend and I were looking forward to spending a quiet Christmas together; one week ago his father suddenly passed, so he is in Wisconsin now. I wish I were there but couldn't leave my daughter at the time; plus, finances are extremely limited. It's just meant to be.

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm blessed in many ways and I do focus on that as much as possible. But knowing others' situations are much more difficult than mine doesn't make me feel any better. You see, I'm also one of those damned empaths, and I feel others' pain acutely. Staying abreast of current events is actually quite devastating to me and leads to feelings of hopelessness, but I do try to maintain hope that things will change and DO what I can do create that change.

In a metaphysical way, I suppose going back to a time when things seemed better - before a tragedy strikes - is helpful in some way. They say to imagine a time when you FELT better and maintain that FEELING is one way of breaking out of depression. But then reality hits you squarely in the face. And when the Now is so painful...a system restore kicks in for some of us.

I don't have a point here. I'm simply rambling.

I wish everyone a blessed holiday season. Truly. :)

an unexpected kindness falls. And for your mother, too. :hug:

You didn't always feel this bad, lost, sad, broken, lonely.... Maybe, just maybe, you won't feel this way for the rest of your life.

You are on the right trail about this one! And your rambling has a point, and a revelation to share with others who may be hurting today too.

Most of us aren't conscious of it at the time, but remembering the self and one's mental state from before the tragedy, sadness, loss, is a way to set the brain (at least on a sub-conscious level) to survive by planting the seed that one will not always feel this bad. If you haven't always felt this bad, there is hope that things will change sometime and perhaps be more tolerable.

Just a theory I have had too, born of a lot of depression and a lot of work with others facilitating peer support groups.

Having crawled out of some really bad mental states after debilitating losses, one can offer a light to others still in a bad tunnel where vision and all senses are overwhelmed by the darkness of loss. I try to help others remember that "Today is NOT what forever feels like". I really do think that is part of why we do the six months ago, every thing was OK... thing. I think our own minds are trying to point out that how we feel right now is NOT permanent. Things WERE better. NOW is bad, but, if past was better, maybe there is a glimmer of hope that SOMEDAY will be better than now.

Just my half-baked take on it. If something is fairly universal, there is probably a reason for it. When one is in the throes of loss and grief, one needs coping mechanism. The human mind, heart, and SPIRIT can be truly amazing, if we make them our friends and let them help. There is innate wisdom in most of us, when we take the time to notice.

Peace to you and strength to you and your mom. Thank you for the work you do and the courage it takes to face each day and do it all.

You have the blessing of incredible grace. It is a treasure greater than any other.

and for the kind words. What you say makes a lot of sense...that the system restore is a way of reminding us that it doesn't have to always feel this way. I honestly never thought of it that way.

Perspective is such a fascinating thing, isn't it?

Thanks again. Peace to you and yours as well.

:pals:

I learned that lesson well this year. Among other things that happened, I tried to kill myself, I was hospitalized twice, couldn't work for most of the year, and almost lost my job. I was also betrayed by somebody who was very close to me. All in all, 2007 was the trifecta of bad years that began with my divorce in 2005 and hasn't gotten much better since.

But we can't live in the past. That's history, literally. All we have is today. And we've got to live in it, because we don't have any choice.

:hug:

:pals:

"Do you REALLY have a problem NOW??? Is anyone dropping bombs on your head? What are you doing NOW???"

Well, I'm typing a response to a fellow DUer who's also not in the best mood ever.

"Is THAT a problem?"

No, the electricity is on, computer functioning and I will go to bed after this post.

"So WHAT'S your problem NOW?"

Errraaa... :freak:

Actually, I have a copy of "The Power of Now" that I refer to periodically, hoping it will finally sink in...lol.

But, you know what? The scenario you gave, about "is a bomb going off over my head NOW" - that's truly what I've been doing lately, thinking of the horrors others are going through on a daily basis in such an extreme way. Bringing me back to my itsy-bitsy moment in the whole scheme of things.

Of course, over thinking things which I always do (that's another character flaw...lol), I then get depressed about the horrors others are experiencing in their lives.



:shrug: