Borowitz Report on Kucinich's drop-out

I frigging love these e-mails.

January 24, 2008
Kucinich’s Exit Stuns Lone Supporter


Solitary Volunteer Calls Departure ‘Hasty’


The lone supporter of Dennis Kucinch’s presidential bid said today that he was “stunned” by the Ohio congressman’s decision to withdraw from the 2008 race, calling the decision “hasty and premature.”

Tracy Foyler, 32, of Mayfield Heights, Ohio gave the Kucinich campaign a shot in the arm when he signed up as a volunteer last year, a move that seemed to augur well for the Ohio congressman’s chances of attracting additional volunteers.

When no one else stepped forward to join his ranks, however, Mr. Foyler gained special status within the campaign as Mr. Kucinich’s one and only staffer.

“It was a lot of work and all, being Dennis’ only volunteer,” Mr. Foyler said. “But it was worth it, because I got unprecedented access, which was totally awesome.”

Mr. Foyler said he was “blindsided” by Mr. Kucinich’s decision to halt his bid today, telling reporters, “I can’t believe that Dennis wasn’t feeling the same momentum on the ground that I was.”

As the Ohio congressman withdrew from the race, Mr. Kucinich’s number one backer could not help but wonder if the candidate “had pulled the plug too soon,” adding, “I really felt like we were going crack one percent in some of the upcoming states.”

With his favorite candidate out of the race, Mr. Foyler is not sure where he will throw his support, but he gave reporters a hint today: “I’m taking another look at Mike Gravel.”

Elsewhere, former Tennessee senator Fred Thompson announced that he would return to acting, joining “E.R.” in the role of a coma patient.

Oh, Borowitz, will your e-mails never stop making me laugh?