I have to say this.

I swear I'm not drunk or high or crazy. Just let me talk this out a bit.

I feel like I have this huge, monstrous Feeling inside of me that wants to come OUT somehow, and because it's so huge, so overwhelming, I don't even know where to start. ARGH. This is hard for me to deal with, because I'm a writer, a poet--this is supposed to be what I'm GOOD at, but it's so damned hard to try and put this into words. I'm freewriting now, stalling, trying to think of a way. It'll come if I keep turning it around in my hands here, looking at every angle, searching for the tiny speck of light that MUST be there somewhere to help clue me in on where the opening is.

There it is.

I have never been taught how to handle money wisely. My family has been dirt fucking poor for as far back as I can personally remember. There was some distant peripheral ancestor who was a gazillionaire in Montana, but in true Heinze family fashion he lost it all before he died. Fucking figures. Thanks loads, great-great-uncle Fred. Really appreciate that.

I read this thread ( http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=389&topic_id=2770992&mesg_id=2770992 ) on GD and it has me emotionally shaken up to the marrow of my poverty-ridden bones. You know, it's really true; the vast majority of poor people have no clue, not a single notion, of how to wisely handle what little money they have. I won't go so far as to say that we don't need handouts, because the truth is that many of us DO...sometimes the generosity of friends, strangers, or a combination of the two is what keeps the electricity on and the fridge from being empty, ya know?

But what we really, really, REALLY need are financial planners. People who are Good with money, willing to donate some of their time to people like my family. I'd like to say that I'm different, that I'm "better" because I'm more intelligent, more informed, I have access to the wealth of information on the internet, but it's all so overwhelming that I don't know where to start. I close the door on it and pretend it isn't there, because I don't know how to deal with it.

Poor people are incredibly good at rationalizing things. For example--ThinkBlue1966 and I recently got our student aid checks, and the Very First thing we did was to pay our rent ahead until the end of May. Good, solid, intelligent thing to do. Then we blew $100 on dinner at a restaurant. Definitely NOT an intelligent thing to do. But it's so damned easy to rationalize it. With us it was, "We have been surviving on macaroni and cheese, fatty cheap hamburger meat and instant mashed potatoes for almost a YEAR. We haven't "eaten out" since last Spring, unless you count a couple of dollar-menu cheeseburgers at Mickey D's. We have suffered. Let's not suffer tonight. Let's celebrate the fact that for the first time in a year, we are not about to be evicted/lose our power/lose our heat/watch our kid cry because we don't have something he really wants to eat."

And when you combine a whole year's worth of emotional hell, of selling treasured possessions for food money, of accepting handouts from friends and crying over it later because we're both relieved and ashamed, of food bank fruit cocktail being a relatively HEALTHY item on our menu, of two atheists considering going to church because that church was kind enough to supply us with a holiday food basket so we didn't go without a Thanksgiving dinner, of lying to friends and family in order to keep them from knowing just how horrible and hurtful every minute was, of being TERRIFIED of failing a class in college because an "F" could mean the loss of the financial aid we need so desperately, of little to no sleep, of getting angry out of shame and guilt when the kidlet sulks over not having any fresh apples or bananas in the house...

When you add all of that up, it's so easy to rationalize it. But it was a stupid thing to do. We should have put that money up, saved it for a time when we'll need it a hell of a lot more than we needed to eat at Chili's. I feel the most horrible kind of guilt. I get Food Stamps, and yet I ate steak at Chili's once this year. I wasted that money, and other money too--I bought an iPod for my son and I to share, because we literally couldn't buy him *anything* for Christmas and he desperately wanted one. (His Christmas gifts came from a compassionate and amazing person that will likely never understand just how frantically grateful I was at the time) We replaced our DVD player because Brendan got some DVD's from a friend at Christmas and he desperately wanted to watch them. I bought a laptop computer because I have arthritis in my finger joints, and typing is less painful than writing with a pencil at school.

None of those things were "necessities". Well, maybe the laptop was--maybe. This desktop computer is about dead, so we'd have needed another computer no matter what--I just chose to get a $999 laptop from Best Buy because it killed two birds with one stone--no writing for me, and a replacement computer when this one dies.

The point is that...hell, I don't even know. We ate a $100 dinner (the three of us and a friend), and we bought a new DVD player, and the iPod was definitely not a necessity.

I know this probably sounds insane, but after reading some of the negative responses over there, I find myself absolutely wracked with guilt. I shouldn't have made those decisions. I was feeling sorry for myself, trying to assuage emotional wounds by "treating" myself and my family a little, and it was just fucking stupid.

I don't even know why I'm writing this, other than the fact that maybe the guilt and pain and hopelessness and humiliation inside are just too huge to hold on to without having it tear me apart. If we're financially hurting six months down the road, I don't know if I'll be able to live with myself. I will look back at that dinner and fucking HATE myself, and blame myself, and I'm actually sobbing on the keyboard right now. I can't decide if I'm actually brave enough to push "Post message", because I'm so afraid that everyone here will think I'm some emotionally-damaged mental case, or worse--that I truly am a total fuckup who deserves every painful thing that happens to me.

It's just so hard, so hard, every day. I'm getting through college. I'm going to get a terrific job and make other peoples' lives better, and if I could have ONE wish right at this moment, I wouldn't wish to be wealthy. I would wish to be middle-class secure enough to not feel exactly how I feel right now. I don't want to sob hysterically with regret over taking my partner and our child to eat at Chili's. I don't want to ever feel like this again.

I'm so sorry for using the Lounge as a confessional. It's just that, I don't really have anyone else outside of my family who could ever understand, and I know that a lot of you do. I don't make friends easily, because the VAST majority of the people I'm around every day at school are young people who don't have the life experience to comprehend any of this, and there's a Wall between their middle-class normalcy and the kind of life that I have.

from insolvency.

Though for them, it's usually because they're borrowed way too fucking much, either for their home or their credit cards.

You are correct that people need to learn how to handle money - it's a mysterious, strange thing, money, since it's an abstract, non-real symbolic construct. But that non-real stuff is the thing that makes the world goes 'round, and, next to knowing how to use language, knowing how to use the tool of money should be our second highest priority.

The poor, many of them, DO tend to have awful money management skills. But so do many in the middle class, and even some in the upper classes. Such as your grandfather.

I do truly believe that with welfare and/or food stamps should also come financial education and someone to help with financial planning.

Republican fuckwit jackoffs are worried about gay marriage and women wearing pants, while 80% of America is debting and financially mismanaging itself into oblivion. (Of course, our Republican led government under Reagan and especially under the current asshole is also debting and mismanaging itself into oblivion).

As to your dinner - from where I stand, if you went a year of sacrificing and eating crappy and not enjoying a night out, you DID DESERVE to go out for a good night of dinner and fun. You have the wisdom to know that you shouldn't do it often - one night out won't kill you. And you showed one of the beauties of money - it is a tool that can be used to make life worth living. I think you did that - think of it as buying a $100 insurance policy that you can make it through another of sacrifice and penny pinching, and I bet it also bolstered your relationship with your SO - and that's something that's worth spending money on.

I feel for you - my first year of grad school was rice, pita bread, peanut butter and cheese, and taking food out of the communal food bank at the school. Taken out late at night when no one was around, of course, because of the shame of someone seeing me needing it. Granted, I wasn't in a life-threatening situation - if I ever got to a bad point, I could easily have left school and gone back to a high paying job and been fine. But it gave a good glimpse into what it's like to be poor.

Try reading "Your Money or Your Life" - Great book. Teaches well not to look at money from an abstract, distant point in comparison to others (that is, "Oh - $5 - that's the cost of two loaves of bread" or "It's just $5, that's not much - people spend that on coffee, so I can spend it on ...") but to look at it personally,: "$5 - okay, that took me a half hour to earn, and after taxes, it actually took me 45 minutes to earn it - is this thing I want to buy worth 45 minutes of my life?" And other good, practical stuff - especially about how its really the dollar here, dollar there, small purchases that will screw a budget.

I do wish you best of luck! You are working toward a better future for you, and I pray that you make it there and that the future is all you hope it to be!

Because we're poor, and we've had constant late payments to utility companies, medical bills, etc., nobody would ever give either of us a credit card. So we are, at least, completely free of all credit-card debt. Our only debts are our student loans, and medical bills of course. But the student loans are not an issue right now, since we're both still very firmly in school and will be there for quite some time yet.

I'm actually kind of grateful that I've always been rejected for a credit card. I'm thinking about taking some of what we have left of our student aid and getting a "secured" card from our federal credit union, so that we can use it to make small purchases, pay those off completely at the end of each month, and start putting some *good* things on our credit records, instead of just bad things.

:hug:

And please, dont' feel guilty about that dinner. You both DESERVED it! :hug:

:loveya:

but I really, really do know how you feel. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: I wish you so much luck.

I am writing this as someone who went back to school as a single mother of four children and my only source of income was child support. I got food stamps, rental assistance and government grants that paid my tuition and books. I know exactly where you're coming from. It's hard when you feel like you are depriving your family because of a goal you have set for yourself. It's rough, but eventually you will reap the rewards.

I don't have much advice on handling money, because it was never one of my strong suits. There was never enough to go around so you just take what you have and take care of the greatest needs first. I know that there are credit counseling services available now, but I don't know what services they provide other than debt reduction. If they don't offer any type of budget counseling, they may be able to provide you with a reference.

Please don't feel guilty about trying to do something to make the people you love feel good. Spending that much money on one meal may not have been the best decision, but I'm sure that it won't break the bank either. You've made sure that your rent is paid for months to come, so you don't have that hanging over your head. You may not have made all the best decisions, but you didn't make all the worst either. Forgive yourself and remember the enjoyment you had. You've still got a long haul in front of you, but you'll get there and it will be worth it in the end. I'll be thinking of you and your family.

:hug:

I do it often. Bills caught up, fridge and cupboards full with $200 left over? Faghetabout it.. I'm probably wasting $100 on something I want. I've been thinking a lot about this latly because that $200 surplus is non-existant. The heating fuel kills that for a bit, and I'm saving for a vehicle.

Rest assured... if I get those caught up and $500 ahead, I'm going on a freakin roadtrip :)

:hug:

I'm the only person in my family to go to college. We grew up dirt poor, and lived on public assistance for a few years after my father left. I work with people who grew up with money. There is amount of information and comfort they have with money matters that I don't have.

They grew up with investments. I only recently have an IRA and a 401K, and not a hell of a lot in either one.

They watch the stock market and talk about all their investments and how many thousands of dollars they gain and loose on certain days. I can't even imagine.

I agree that a vast number of people really need access to some very basic information and advice about money and assets.

I am sorry that you are struggling. :hug:

I hope the future is much better for your whole family.