Looking for a large house together

Two friends, both single mothers and myself have decided to get out of our situations and look for a large house to split. There will be four children total in the house-all girls-and three adult women.

The idea is that with the three of us we'll be able to split the bills and the housework/child care/cleaning. We are planning out a garden spot to supplement the grocery bill and our first order of business will be to hang a clothesline.

The three of us decided together since we are all single mothers raising children w/o their fathers (each one is a deadbeat), we all want to return to school and we want a better life for our kids. As of this time none can afford to move into an actual house. If we can do this we can afford a few luxuries, we can afford to eat healthier and we will almost never need to pay for a babysitter. Plus, with two older girls in the house the two younger girls will benefit in hand-me-down clothing and sports equipment, along with toys and books.

I hope it will work out. We've even discussed the idea of each mother having one night a week to herself, outside of the home. Go to a movie, get a coffee, dance on a bar-doesn't matter, as long as the other moms are not with you. This way we always get free time away from each other.

:evilgrin: for anything

I apparently am just a state away :D

really I wish you luck with your venture, it sounds like a good plan!

:hi:

It's the perfect solution, which means it will probably fail.

multi-family dwellings are surely a challenge, but if you can all communicate and get along, then you will have something awesome indeed

:hug:

We are three single mothers, very strong and very liberal-minded, who are determined that once we go into this situation we will make it work. One has said that if she ever leaves it will be because she remarries or because she can purchase a house of her own. (In that case she said she would like to split it with yet another single parent with one child. She loves this idea.)

It will be difficult. First, finding the right place. Secondly, the differences in our lifestyles. (They've both said that the hardest thing will be making me leave the house on my night off, since I don't take nights' off for myself. Ever.) But I do think we can make it all work out, in the long run.

You all need to lawyer up, preferably individually, before signing anything. Lots to consider: who reaps the mortgage interest tax deduction, for instance? And what if one of you remarries and moves out? Quite a financial pit for the remaining two, unless the one who leaves is bound by contract to continue paying. Not to mention the non-financial problems. For instance, decision-making in a triumvirate can quickly turn into a bloc of two and a perpetual loser. Woe unto the loser if she is bound by contract to remain in that situation.

It is a good idea, but please be aware of not only the known unknowns, but also the existence of unknown unknowns. ;-)

instead of buying. Most of the large houses in my area are rentals but some have been known to sell to renters who have lived there a few years. (College town-large houses make landlords excellent money.)

Like I've said before-we're trying to figure everything out first before we move.

but I think you'd all be well advised to consult a lawyer (or three). Better to hammer all terms out now than to hammer each other later. Also probably a good idea to specify an arbitration clause in the event of disputes over unforeseen issues. I'm not saying don't trust your future roommates, but definitely verify. ;-) And good luck!

Verification is the key.

All have had the same places for a number of years, just the apartment complexes themselves have gone downhill. (Purchased overtime to various parties and the latest have actually said when complaints were lodged "We could get homeless people to move in here now and they'd never complain.") All have the same goals as myself and all are known to be trustworthy.

just as you are. still, put it all in writing, including a dispute-resolution mechanism. to protect them and you (And your children)

check also with the local zoning regulations, in many places three families sharing a dwelling violate regs.

As to regulations with three families sharing a dwelling-this is a college town. If anything is said we have the argument of 12 college kids sharing a three bedroom. (Or in some cases a two bedroom and a finished basement.) I spoke to an attorney who is a member of one of my groups and she said something similar about regulations. She said that if they allow that many in one small house with no complaints then anything argued after that would be easy to dismiss.

Oh, and she has offered to do the paperwork. She's curious about if this will work or not.

Good for you, taking a chance. I think the kids will love this, too.

optimistic or else it will fail before it ever begins. At least that's my luck.

Good luck! :hi: :toast:

I hope it does work.

It sounds like you've got a great plan, and I really hope it works for you.

You might want to consider planning a monthly meeting, complete with kids, to discuss things that need to be ironed out.

I admire you for being brave enough to engineer a unique alternative to the "traditional" single mom lifestyle. If you can make a go of it, your story would make a fantastic book! :yourock:

The plan is to get this going and then talk about it to other single mothers in my area,proving it's a viable alternative to low-income slums and years of assistance checks.

I've thought about it for a few years now but have finally found the friends interested in the project. Both live in low income housing that hasn't been repaired in years. One friend called tonight in tears. She stated that she had her heat turned up to 85 degrees but it was still cold in her apartment. Her windows have cracks and gaps, her front door is too small and has a huge gap at the top and bottom,etc. Another friend lives in low income housing and is sick and tired of the addicts fighting outside her front door at 2 am, waking her daughters up nightly.

We hope to have weekly meetings involving the entire family. In the meetings we'll discuss what bills need paid out that week, what extra work needs done around the house, the weekly menus, school lunches vs lunch box, everyone's work schedules, activities for each of the girls and any extra around town for families, etc. That's the only way to make this work-constant communication yet make sure the adults have time apart from each other.

You all obviously have thought this out very carefully. Please keep us posted about how things are working out.

Nobody should have to live without heating or in constant fear of their children being injured or worse. :hug:

I view it as a great way to become more independent by learning to depend on the right people. (If that makes any sense at all...)

There are others in my area who are interested. A few have stated that they want to see if it's successful and if so they'd love to do it themselves. An additional plus is that I live in a college town so I bet a few young families attending school would be interested in how this plan works.

And you're quite right-no one should have to live as they are living right now, yet most expect them to do so every single day.

truly, sisterhood at its best. I'm envious!

actually, in my town there are quite a few old houses, businesses, etc that have been abandoned for years and could be purchased for a song. We plan on renting-probably in May when most of the leases in town expire. (College town so May is popular around here.) Eventually I'd love to buy an older house and renovate it, making it a great place for families to live in.

I'm hoping this works out. If it does I want others to know about it. I just think it would be a better way of life than barely subsiding.

Sounds like you're doing a great job of planning. Do the kids know each other and
get along reasonably well? And have they been able to have input into the decision making?
Be interested in knowing how this develops. Lots of luck. z

and the other two would be "tagalongs", since they are younger. But they do all know each other.

We're going through all the scenarios as of this time, trying to figure out what will suit us best.

An ideal way of living I think. I hope it goes well for you. :hug:

We're creating our own village in order to raise our children. And we are giving each other the moral and emotional support that we don't always receive from the rest of the world.

This sounds as if it can work out well. I think that it will benefit all of you and the children on so many levels. I hope you will post about how things are going, looking forward to hearing more. Good Luck....

Once we get a house (probably in May since this is a college town) I'll post more about how it's going.

That sounds really great!

I don't see any flaws in your plans...

As long as the lines of communication stay open, and there's basic respect among all of the adults, you should do fine!

Keep us posted!

:toast:

I really think that this is yet another way that people will choose to live in the near future. We get together and support each other on so many levels.

If the personalities can handle it.

Just be very clear about what the boundaries are. Make sure people don't assume that you are going to do something just because you did it in the past. For example: I had watched a roommates kid three Friday mornings in a row. I didn't mind but it was always her asking a few minutes before she left. I was around so I didn't mind. Well, one Friday I wasn't home and she freaked out. She had assumed I was going to watch her kid. If she had given me a couple hours of notice I wouldn't have cared.

My point, make very clear rules and boundaries.

and that's the idea behind us having weekly meetings. We know we need them so we can decide who will have the kids on any given day, who is the on call, etc. (Sick kids at school-we need an on call. If someone has a scheduled day off it will be them. If two have one then we'll go from there.)

I've done the room mate thing in the past but this is a bit different. None of us want that classic relationship but it will be like that, to an extent.

OK to pick up the kids. they often won't release the child (rightfully so) to a non family member without a permission on file

and I have permission for her child.

She picks up mine one day a week (I work over that night). I pick hers up one day a week while she's working over.

And we're on each others' emergency contact list, just in case they can't contact our family.

I would suggest that rules, expectations be written down and signed by all adult parties. With kids involved each parent needs to write down how their child should be punished/reprimanded then discuss together all the parental rules. Try to come up with a set of written parameters that all of you can agree to for all the kids then share it with the kids. Having things in writing can save everyone from future conflicts and lets everyone know what is expected of them, kids included.

since we all watch each others' children on a regular basis.

But to have it down would be a good idea.

It can be a very good thing if everyone gets along.
It can be very affordable also.I live in one and my rent and utilities come out to less than four hundred dollars a month.Food is fifty to a hundred a month and we eat very well.(two chefs in the house.)

Like other are saying upthread be sure to sit down and hammer out rules and expectations.One big area is discipline for the kids.Every adult needs the ability to crack down on ANY and/or ALL the kids when they are into things they don't need to be doing.(The takes a villge thing.)The hardest part of that is allowing another parent to discipline your kid.

Google intentional communities.There are communities that post lessons learned and stuff like that which makes life easier in such a setting.

Intentional communities meet the criteria for federal 501c3 tax exemptions.Just like a church or a school.Providing low cost housing is one of the charities allowed under 501c3.

Now that I didn't know!

I cook for a living. One of my friend's is an LPN who has talked about going for her RN and the other is beginning her master's in psychology while waitressing.

I don't have a problem with any of them disciplining my child. We've all watched each others children on a regular basis and the kids are used to any one of us jumping in at any time. In the case of discipline it's always a matter of trust and I trust them.

Once we find a house we plan on ironing everything else out. We plan on figuring out who will do what, how far is too far, etc.

will that work? can the children share rooms? 5 bdrm houses are hard to find but I did a quick search and there are a couple in St Louis for about $1800

i think it makes great sense and I hope it works out

:yourock:

I live more toward KC and we have them in my college town. Most are rented by college students so we'll have to wait until May (when leases expire). We can get a 5 bedroom around here for about $1000.

There are a few three bedroom houses around here with full, finished basements. If they have two divided rooms in the basement we could even get away with that.

I cross my fingers that you find a good house soon that will fit your ideas.

:hug:

We've talked about it for a long time.

I remember you telling me about it. You deserve a lot of good luck!!! :loveya:

last night and went to breakfast with the other one this morning. We're keeping our eyes open but are also hoping about another house. There is a house down the street that has been for sale for 2 years now, with no buyer. (It's a very old house but cute and a huge yard!) Last time it was up for rent it went for a very cheap price. It's a seven bedroom house-plenty of room for all of us. We're hoping that it goes back up for rent again soon, since it's not selling.

Wishing you the best of luck. And please, keep us posted as to your progress.

And yes, I have all the confidence in you that it will work.

:hug:

And I do so hope that it works out.

Sounds like a good plan. I hope that it works for you all.

And I know that you'd admire our garden when we get it in place.

Later in years you can get something back, hopefully, with your money. Just make sure it all legally done between you three so everyone knows where they stand. If I were you, I would be willing to do the same thing.

is to incorporate the house.
Here is a link to some useful legal info for IC's.
http://www.ic.org/nica/Legal/Legal1.htm

Right now we're in the planning stage with the intention of changing whatever needs changing before we actually move in.

No one wants to jump in. We're all very strong-willed women who are used to having things our own way. We know that we need to have everything down on paper first before we act.

Right now we're in the planning stage with the intention of changing whatever needs changing before we actually move in.

No one wants to jump in. We're all very strong-willed women who are used to having things our own way. We know that we need to have everything down on paper first before we act.

good luck... hope you find an ideal place... and that the kids appreciate having their friends spend the night every single night!

:bounce:

in the long run. My two friends live in apartments and are very excited about the idea of having a garden and maybe getting a swingset for the backyard.

As has already been discussed, it's important to have written guidelines in place so that everyone is clear about expectations (it'll become a living document with refinements in the first few months, no doubt.) One important item is how to handle it if the chemistry doesn't work out and one family decides to move on. No one wants to talk about that in the beginning but it's important to agree in advance on how that should play out if and when it does happen. Weekly meetings are a great idea too.

I hope that it works out even better than you dream. :toast:

scenario and how it would play out. If they notify far enough in advance we would all talk to others about interest in moving in, hold interviews, etc.

We want everything to be in writing first. That is one of the main reasons why we plan on waiting until spring to really get moving on this. We want everything planned out and written down-who does what, what will be used where, etc. We want everyone to inventory everything they bring in and to take pictures, if necessary. And we want ground rules in place before we move.

DU decided to accept a post from 15 minutes ago just now. Weird.

I would sitdown and create a set of rules for how things are going in the place. You may raise your kids one way but someone has a different way of parenting. I think all parents need to be on the same page when dealing with kids who may be getting out-of-hand.

Also, I've seen these massive room shares and you'll have one person who wants to run the AC 24x7 (massive electricity bill) while the others just want to run it as needed.

And finally - put a block on the cable especially if you have digital cable.

If you deal with these and many other issues I think you have a great plan!

We want everything in writing before we go into the situation. We also want inventory done of everyone's items so there are no arguments later on.

Cable-wise we need the digital for the internet access but have all agreed on no ppv and will block it accordingly. Utilities have also been agreed on-the less used the better. And we each are going to put into writing what we think the inside temp should be in each season and split the difference accordingly.

Children have been the top concern. We've discussed it over and over again and we are making plans on how to deal with each situation.

http://communities.ic.org/87/2287.php

It is about some common problems IC's have with parenting and children.

along with every other bit of info I find and then forwarding it to the other two ladies involved.

We know there will be some problems-there always are. But we've discussed it and have realized what can be offered to our girls would outweigh the rest.

need to google intentional communities.
There is a lot of good info to be found that will help y'all make the transition.

Every bit of info we find we read but it hasn't been as much as we want to know.

Thanks for all the great advice so far!

My ex-boyfriend shared a house with 4 other people and it was just ridiculous with the utilities. People don't realize how expensive AC can be when you run it 24x7.

Will you be finding a place that had 3 bathrooms? That would be optimal so each person has their own bathroom space - that tends to be issue #2 when it comes to sharing.

the more bathrooms the better.

We have already decided that rule number one will be NO primping in the bathroom. Hair products and makeup will be kept in our bedrooms and will be done there, instead of in the bathroom. I remember from living in a dorm that was one of our biggest fights.

Our ideal house would be older, with a decent yard and a few trees for shade. That way we can open the windows until June (yes, I'm being rather optimistic on June but one can dream in Missouri...)and use ceiling fans or window fans. And any day that cools down into the early 80's in the summer will be a window day too. (Those are few and far between.) As to winter-we've all decided that the house will be winterized in the fall. Everything will be caulked, sealed, taped, have plastic over it, wrapped, etc. I'm from the North, another is from Colorado and the other is from Iowa. We've all had experience with winterizing a house and are all very conscious of utility bills.

There is still so much more to work out but we have a few big ones right there.

beat you to the concept. ;-)

And it was just the dawning realization one day that no matter how much I scrimp and save I'll never have enough money to live the way I want. I realized that if I had someone similar living with me I'd be better off.

It will be hard but I think, in the long run, it will be the best thing for everyone involved and it will give us all a renewed sense of self-confidence.

but this will be wonderful for the kids, too.

All economic reasons aside (and there are excellent economic reasons for doing it, as you know), I believe that kids can really thrive in these environments. There will be a period of adjustment for them, but their lives will be so much richer for having to share/interact with the other kids.

Good for you! I hope it's a huge success! I am very impressed how much time and care you all seem to be putting into it, putting everything in writing and working it all out before just jumping in.

Good luck!

and they could tell you that. I tend to overplan everything so I'm the one who is dragging my feet the most.

I do believe that they would all thrive in this environment, compared to where each is at right now. They would have their own support system in place and would never have to worry about who will be with them while mom is at work and other issues of that nature. They would always have someone around to talk to.

Girls especially can benefit from this kind of community. I think they will love it. As long as everything is legally documented and planned (as you are doing), I don't see why this wouldn't be worth trying. The upside seems very high.

one soon-to-be five year old and one soon-to-be four year old.

The seven year olds will be eight in May and June.

I think they really need something like this. The older ones come home from school on a regular basis, upset with something their classmates have said about families.

I think this might give them more of a support system.

I hope that it works out fantastically for you!! Sounds like you have a good hold on managing it. I would suggest taking half a day or a whole day to meet as adults-only to discuss house rules and some sort of informal contract, and then invite the kiddos to give their input as to what the house rules should be. :) Best of luck - it sounds wonderful for you all!

we've each met in groups of two. (Me and one friend talking and taking notes and then myself and the other friend doing the same.) Next is the two of them meeting and discussing what they feel they need to discuss together. After that will be the three of us going through all the combined notes and discussing anything else that has come along. Finally the girls will get their two cents.

That's why we figure on this taking three to four months minimum.

Good to try to have everything discussed and agreed to ahead of time, or at least thought about and put out for discussion, so there are no big surprises. :D I wish you all the best!

I noticed you posted some interest in something similar a few days ago. Still thinking about it?

But my husband (Zornhau) has a much stronger need for personal space / quiet / peaceful time, etc. He's a much less social creature than I am, and the times in the past where we've shared space with friends, it has been more stressful on him. So unless we found a community that we both felt strongly about joining, I would never push him into it, especially anything with long-term intent. We've tossed around some ideas and it may still happen some decade in the future, but not the *near* future. The one couple that we're friends with, who we really feel we could share living space with peacefully and respectfully, isn't up for moving in the near future.

The three of us have problems with personal space too but have decided that we might be able to pull it off.

And I love the idea of my child always having another adult in the home to watch her and help her, instead of sending her to a babysitter.

Just make sure to have everything down in writing.

Everyone is meeting up together and separately to discuss what is wanted and needed in order for us all to live together. We plan to draw up a final draft once all is aired out.

Good luck...

It'll be like college...

Watch all the men come sniffing around...

As to the men sniffing around-four children under the age of ten should scare them off. If they don't we'll be running their names on the sex offender list.

Besides, we're rather liberal for our area. Most men are already afraid of us and few approach any of us. They'll probably make other assumptions about us and our "living arraignments". And if they do that, wonderful! They are not the kind of men any of us would want around.

I hope some of them first will consider the possibility of co-living arrangements.

After my parents' divorce, my mother didn't want to sell her house right away, so she took in four graduate students as boarders. Years later, my sister was going through a rough patch financially, and she rented out space in her daylight basement. Now a friend of mine has two students living with her. It's a real option -- better, it seems to me, than losing homes that people have worked so hard for.

Good luck to you!

It's going to be quite an adjustment at first but I do believe that it will get better with time.

for a couple of years with four other women and only one bathroom! Ha! It really did work out well. We did the weekly meetings thing to talk about things in a rational manner with no recriminations. We also had household duties that were assigned and rotated on a monthly basis. One month, someone would be in charge of cleaning the kitchen, someone the bathroom, someone the living room, etc. One of the monthly duties was that someone figured out how much everyone owed for bills. We kept a bulletin board that was used to tack up all the grocery receipts. Things for personal use only were deducted from the receipts and the rest for use by the entire house was divided equally and deducted from or added to each person's rent, so some months you paid more or less rent depending on how much you spent (or didn't spend on groceries) on groceries and cleaning supplies for the house over the month. If there was something for personal use only that had to be kept in the fridge or pantry, it was marked with the person's initials and was off limits. This was easier to do with all adults but the kids can be taught to respect those parameters, too.

This sounds like a very sensible and workable idea for all of you and I wish you all the best in finding a place and making this work for all of you.

Thank you-very useful.

You must have something in writing that covers what happens if one of the adults wants out of the situation. How to determine how to disolve the partnership, how the buyout value will be determined, how the departing member will be bought out. It could get messy if one decides to leave & the remaining adults have to come up with cash quickly.

such as-what if one of us gets married and moves (or something along those lines.)

Right now we've decided to rent and if all works out in a year or so we'll start looking for houses to buy.

We figure that the rental would be easier to manage in the first year.

with that.

TS'd.

May you rest in peace.

this is exactly why I support domestic partnerships and gay marriage. I've always considered this a women's issue because there have always been times when women need to band together to get through.

I really hope this works. You should consider keeping a blog so that others can learn from your experience!

When we've talked about this to other single mothers they've all asked us the same questions. And they also have said that they want to know how the situation turns out a year from now.

If all goes well we'll have some stories.


And there have always been times that people have had to band together. With the economy in such bad shape right now I'm surprised we don't hear about this happening more often than it does. We decided on it because we see college students doing this all the time in our town. We figure if they can we can too.

FOX Reality Channel.

just sayin'

Good thing I don't get it or else I'd be suckered in one night and would be afraid to turn away.

already did back in the 1890s and sorta what Charlotte Perkins Gilman suggested in many of her own stories - women's empowerment through "taking in boarders."

But darling, I already have a large house.;)

would you really want three women and four girls under the age of ten running around your house? Probably not.

Besides, I don't think my custody argeement will allow me to move her across the state line. (But I am asking about that one when we go to court in April.)

but my house is not that large. Only 3 bedrooms, two baths and a basement. As much as I have filled it with my books, I kinda think I would feel cramped even with one woman and a child even though that's what I planned it for. Hope springs eternal.

hope does always spring eternal.

I hope you meet her soon. You have a lot to offer someone.

And if you ever want to talk just let me know.

in a small college town.

Actually I'm quite surprised that we don't see more of this in my town. Rents are expensive compared to wages (college and military town within an hours drive of KC) and there are quite a few once gorgeous, now run down 100+ year old houses that could be had for a song.

If you know others who are interested in something like this, especially in a small town like this, let me know. I'd love to see someone take an interest in some of these beautiful old places and help turn this town into the great place I know it can be.

Just thought it would help to announce the where up front. You got the who, what, when and why.

We're still learning and if this goes well we will tell others about our experiences.

Hope it all works out. Not only will there be the conveniences you mentioned, but also I'd think, safer. More people, less likelihood of bad people bothering you.

If you go through with this, report back and tell us about how it goes.

Best of luck to all of you! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

And it will be safer. Two of us have less than lovely exes who would gladly show up somewhere if we were alone. If they know we have room mates (and, in some cases, possible boyfriends in and out, though that's not the plan) they would stay away.

It's cheaper-more bang for your buck, if you will. The children have an honest-to-goodness schedule and chance at normalcy, instead of having mothers stuck working overtime and the kids stuck at a babysitters until very late at night at the last possible minute.

And two of the girls will be able to receive hand-me-downs by way of clothes, books, toys and sporting equipment, making it much cheaper on a struggling mother. All will follow a similar schedule and all will know that there is always someone there for them who cares.