Really weird family dynamics. Holy shit.

How can a birthday get so complicated?

I just found out that my mom contacted my ex-girlfriend.

My mom is throwing a huge 40th birthday party for my twin brother, and making a really big deal about it. She just assumed that I would make plans to travel to see her for my birthday, so of course I'd be there and it could be a party for both of us. She didn't ask me, or check with me or tell me anything about it so I didn't know anything about it.

Of course I have no plans to go anywhere, and I can't fly at this point anyway. I'm having some health issues, flying is always very painful for me even at the best of times, and I can't afford it right now. So I won't be there.

Well, now she's all upset. I don't know if she's more upset because I'm missing the party, or because it'll look bad that she's only celebrating with one of her two twin sons. She's very concerned about not looking like a good mom.

So my mom contacted my ex-girlfriend, Miriam, today. :wtf:

She has only ever spoken to Miriam once, and they don't get along. But she wants to find out if Miriam is doing anything for my birthday. Miriam and I are very close friends, and she knows it. She wants to give money to Miriam to use towards whatever we're doing, so that way my mom can say didn't neglect me. She can go ahead with the big party for my brother without feeling guilty.

Miriam is really put off by all of this. So she called me immediately.

My mom's heart is sort of in the right place, even if she went about this all wrong. I'm glad my mom thought of me, even if it was as an afterthought.

I've posted here about wanting to do something for my 40th, but this is getting convoluted and ridiculous. I feel like laughing at all of this, but I can't figure out which parts are supposed to be funny. :P

your mommy lubs you!

:hug:

:shrug:

:P

as well..

:hug:

Of course I'm busy with a little dysfunctional family of my own.

:shrug:

I can't believe I didn't expect anything like this. Twice a year she wants to pretend we're all close. Usually we like each other best from 400 miles away. :P

Ours works best spread out over several continents.

:hug:

Doesn't it get surprising how weird and surreal family stuff can get? :P

That is weird!

How can your MOM not call you to find out if you can be there for YOUR birthday party?

I don't get it...not one little bit!

Good luck sorting it out, sweetie...

I hope you're feeling better tonight...

:hug:

I'm definitely feeling much better today. Noticable improvement from yesterday. But the proof will be in half an hour when I try again to pull that cotton out.

I worked late and then had dinner with some friends, so I just got home. I figured I just HAD to post before I start settling pulling and cleaning and medicating tonight. :P

:hi:

Thank you for the good advice and moral support. :hug:

I didn't expect the abscess to still have that much gunk in it at this point, and it's still bleeding a lot. But it got the packing out, and got it all cleaned out with a warm compress and some diligent squeezing. It didn't hurt nearly as much today as it did yesterday.

So now I am cleaned and rebandaged and I'm definitely healing quickly. Woo Hoo.

I know, as a nurse, this is probably no big deal to you. But given how little I can do with my hands this is a huge deal for me. I'm really excited that I was able to take care of this. :)

:hug:

I am thrilled you got it out!

Dressing changes are always a big deal, even to nurses, sweetie...

Esp. when they're inside a cavity like yours...

I am glad, very glad, that you succeeded, and that it's healing!

You know I'm always here for you!:hug:

Congrats!

:yourock:

...and sometimes, they aren't quite as sharp as they were in their younger days. I see this more and more in mine.

Then again, I'm not as sharp as I used to be either.

I can't say the same about you. You seem to still be on top of your game. :)

...no, I see myself, at 44, not as sharp as I once was. I can only imagine what I'll be like at my parent's age. :scared:

I am staying strong with canceling my 40th Bday as well. If you end up uncanceling, please let me know so that I can start refilling my potential guest list.

btw: bastard. why do you get to have a twin, and I don't? I always wanted a twin. and red hair. And to grow up to be 8 foot tall. But first I wanted a twin.

I haven't had any use for him in decades, so I think he's available. :P

I wouldn't let you take him though. You seem like a good person. I have no reason to punish you.

and what color hair do you have? I think you may have stolen my intended life. fess up, you did, didn't you?

I wouldn't want to steal this one. If it's yours, I took it by mistake. :rofl:

do you have red hair?

Except in my beard. Under bright light my beard is partially red, partially brown, and partially white. :P

you can keep your twin. I have no use for a twin if I don't get red hair to go with the deal.

Hey, man, it could be worse. You could have mine.

:(

It would be nice if family relationships were friendly and nurturning.

:hug:

This is all happening a month before my actual birthday, so it's a bit early. But it's still very appreciated. :hug:

Otherwise, I'd tell you some stories about how manipulative my own mother was. I'll just say, believe it or not, I understand how conflicting it can be. Hope your birthday turns out to be a great one... however it is celebrated! :-)

:hug:

:hug:

Straight-forward and direct would be good. I'd be happy with that. :)

:hug:

It can be funny, though.

It doesn't become funny until after the fact. :P

But then again, many tragedies become excellent slap-stick comedy after the fact. :)

:hug:

Freudian slip? :shrug:

:shrug:

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.

:rofl:

I'm too medicated for these jokes. They are actually funny! :P

Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to hold the penis.

LADDER! I mean ladder! :blush:

that I have infiltrated many, many families while growing up!!
BTW, happy birthday, my 40th is in May, I am celebrating by getting a tattoo on my left ankle!!!

Do you already know what the image is going to be? :)

it is going to be my real life initials which are the same as my daughter, done in a circle of leaves. Kinda celtic lookin'.
I forgot to mention earlier, that I am truly sorry for you family pains.:hug:

Nice choice. :)

Thank you. It's more drama than pain at this point. :P

I am so sorry Thom.

I think you should celebrate your birthday any way you desire. If you and Miriam are still close, I assume she would have been included in the celebration you were planning before everyone had life-changing drama that had to postpone your festivities.

And, since your mom is feeling guilty - take the money and go see a show with Miriam (if she would be up for it) and enjoy a nice meal.

You know LynneSin's fete is going to be a party for you too :hug:

And I have scoped out some nice woods for us to visit. :hi:

:)

She's met LionessPriyanka and Rockit a number of times. I don't know if she ever came to a DU meetup though.

As long as Lynne doesn't mind, i'll be happy to add one more reason to the party. :hug:

I'm really looking forward to getting upstate at some point. I know it's supposed to be an easy trip on the train. I've just never done it. This summer I'll change that. :)

guilt trip to me.

She likes to use guilt. But she uses it upon herself as much as she uses it on anyone else. It's not a very accurate weapon the way she uses it. :P

I am often sceptical of my mom's motives, but at the same time I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt.

Your story makes me happy to be the only surviving person in my family. (except of course my kids and husband)

:(

I would hate to think that I make people glad they don't have family. I wish everyone had functional families that loved and nurtured each other.

I am glad you have your immediate family, and I hope there is a lot of love there. :hug:

But you should just be happy that your mom thought of it at all. My mother completely FORGOT my 30th birthday, and I didn't get a card until several months later. Her explanation was that she'd subconciously repressed it because I made her feel "too fucking old". My kids aren't allowed to call her grandma, because that an "old person title", and instead have to call her by her first name.

I minimize contact as much as possible. She's seen my 4 year old son all of 5 times in his entire life, and none were long visits. We prefer it that way.

being their grandmother. :(

My mom definitely never forgets.

My twin brother forgot my birthday a few times. It was one of the signs that he wasn't worth dealing with. He wasn't just ignoring my birthday. He was so drunk/high so often that he really forgot. :eyes:

And my younger sister has never once remembered my birthday or sent me a card for any holiday.

Bad families breed bad attitudes. I had to leave my family far behind before I learned how to be a happy person, or what I consider a good person.

My wife is 1/4 Osage, and looks like the real deal (she's 3/4 German, but could pass for a full blooded native on a reservation any day). My moms first comment upon seeing my daughter when she was born, 14 years ago, was: "Great, just what I needed. A halfbreed grandbaby."

That was pretty much the end of any opportunity she'd ever have at establishing a normal relationship with my kids. She only sees them on rare occasion, and then only when my wife and kids are around. Up until a few years ago, she wasn't allowed to really see them at all. I only allowed her to have ANY contact after some DUers encouraged me to see if she'd changed a few years ago. Turns out, she's still as racist as ever, but she holds her tongue around the kids. So we allow rare, occasional, supervised visits. None have ever spent the night at grandmas house (not THAT grandma anyway).

There are other reasons too, but this is your thread, not mine :)

:hug:

I know my mom's attitude towards me changed pretty radically when I came out to her, and changed even more after I was hurt and acquired a disability. I stopped being her son and became her gay son, then I became her gay, crippled son. She would never say it out loud, but it has been there.

:shrug:
So, you limit contact and keep in touch only to the extent you feel it's safe and worth it. :)

As I said, there are other reasons. My mom is a racist Mormon fundie nut. I'm bisexual, and have been out as "gay" (she draws no line between bi and gay) since I was a teen. When she found out that I was dating a woman, she literally danced for joy thinking I'd been "saved". When she found out my girlfriend was pregnant, she was ecstatic. When she found out that my girlfriend wasn't a blue eyed, blonde Irish girl like she is, she was furious. When she discovered that our relationship wasn't exclusive, and that I was still dating guys, her world collapsed.

Yeah, it's a fun relationship. I just keep contact to the bare minimum level needed to keep the REST of my family happy. I get along great with my three sisters, and none seem to have inherited our moms prejudices, but they will not allow me to completely cut off contact with her again.

sad.

My sister, who was 10 years older than me, was the same way about aging. It was insane. Her 2 grandsons had to call her some made up title like MiMi or some crap.

If she had not killed herself, she would be 61 right now. I believe that one of the main factors involved in her suicide was her inability to accept the aging process.

She never got to see my beautiful daughter who is now 7.

It totally fucked me up when she did what she did... but she didn't grow a day older.

My brother is blatantly her favorite. I'm "the other one." But I know she loves me too.

I think she loves the idea of having a loving family. She just doesn't think it should take any effort or attention. :(

I say: Encourage Miriam to accept the money and take you out to a wonderful meal.

This is filtered through my own completely-stressed-out-by-my-teenagers goggles. The idea of going out for a pleasant time with an old friend sounds lovely. (Take the money and run!) :)

And happy birthday, Thom!

I trust her judgement, and I don't want to push her to deal with my mom.

If she takes the money we'll do something fun, and I'll send my mom a big thank-you and some pictures or something. :)

Have your mother send money to LynneSin and have the meetup catered.

Your mother sounds pretty conflicted and not handling it that well. My mother was like that too, except for the part about throwing big parties.

Families. There's always a drama.

I really should see if I can work that out. :)

:evilgrin:

Anyway, sorry for the hassle. I once suggested a support group, "Moms Amok" to mine. Bad move.

I put it there years ago because she wanted to see what I do online. She's asked me about DU occassionally since then in a way that makes it pretty clear that she's forgotten all about that shortcut and she's never been here.
:shrug: