Original post regarding my dad's death - thank you to all, and a little more

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x7338765#7343373

I was just looking this over again. It had over 200 replies. I'm still stunned at the warm outpouring. Thank you all.

I wish I were not so isolated; I wish I had a good circle of RL friends, but since I moved here from So. Cal., I haven't been anywhere where I could build a circle.

In its stead I do accept, for now, this DU community. We don't have the physical contact, but we are human beings and (most of us) represent ourselves as who we are. I've met a few of you, and I enjoy it that relationships we build on line can sometimes extend to RL.

Now, here's something I don't think I've talked about here.

Last Christmas my dad, for the first time in seven years, addressed his Christmas card to Kathy and me both. “Kim & Kathy,” he wrote on the envelope. Inside was his standard “Love, Dad & Nancy.”

He died on January 10. I had planned to acknowledge how he addressed that card, but hadn’t done it yet. I’m coming to terms with the fact that he probably wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it. If he’d had a change of heart about accepting my orientation, it would’ve been too soon for him to talk about it.

Sadly, he once said that "your mother was right, I am incapable of loving." I hope he'd grown out of that belief. I don't believe it at all; I think that he was unable to show his love.

He was a rotten dad and made huge mistakes that could have ruined our lives. But I forgave him long ago (and learned that forgiveness is an act of will, not an emotion). He wasn't perfect, and neither am I, but we loved each other.

It is so weird that my dad is dead. It is so weird! He was only 68 and he had a life. He was a small business owner, he was a devout Christian, he was a good friend to many, and he was a pilot. He died in his dream plane, doing what he loved.

:hug:

Thomcat always says if he hits the lottery, he'll buy an apartment building where we can all live. Like you, I'm so grateful for the support I get here that is missing in real life. I wish we weren't all so scattered and could really be there when another needs us.

:hug:

Thinking of you :hug:

I also think you're right that he might not have been ready to talk about it further than that gesture. I'm glad you forgave him before he passed away.

He has very kind eyes. You have his eyes.

:hug:

:) thank you; your kind words are a tonic. It's been a rough day.

:hug:

You have beautiful eyes. :hug: Sorry for the rough day.

How did I miss this before? :blush:

The bags seem to have happened overnight.... oh, well. No nip/tuck for me. I think the physical signs of aging are interesting.

this quality helps you even if someone has passed on. I had a similar experience, and wish I had been a better daughter to both my mother and father. We were trying harder right up to the last day.

However, we are still in an apparently endless family estrangement situation with two stepdaughters and their children.

I have finally accepted it after I spent more than enough time in pursuit and ultimate rejection. Luckily, we have a very full life with those who have chosen to make peace with us. Love and trust can be restored, but it takes willing participants.

Thanks for your post.

Cordially,

Radio Lady in Oregon


Audio Al and the five kids (1970s)


The Four Ages of Woman

sometimes dads, i know this is true of mine, they don't know how to express love in the way we want it or need it. eventually most of us learn to accept it for how they show it - i'm still working on my relationship with my father, one that has been missing for a good chunk of my life.

when i was little, our relationship was strong. as i grew older, we grew apart - i don't ever think he will see me quite the same as he did back then. but your post made me think about really working to fix the gap in our relationship with each other :hug:

The ideas Barbara espouses in this book have helped me a great deal.

Here is one link to information about the book:

http://www.enotalone.com/article/4887.html

Also, Barbara's direct link is:

http://www.barbaralebey.com

Praise for Barbara LeBey’s “Family Estrangements”

"In this powerful book, Barbara LeBey does her part to help bring broken families together again. I hope many people will read Family Estrangements and draw strength from it."
—Hamilton Jordan

"Barbara LeBey has written a wise, loving, and valuable book. There isn't a family who won’t find themselves somewhere in it or any who won’t find help here, too."
—Anne River Siddons, New York Times bestselling author of Low Country and Islands.

"This fine book not only recognizes a problem that most people conceal in shame but also fills a void in self-help literature. Highly recommended."
—Library Journal

"Barbara LeBey makes a major contribution toward keeping families together."
—David Rosin, M.D., Deputy Director, South Carolina Department of Mental Health

Her other book is "Remarried with Children"

Good luck!

Cordially,

RL in Oregon

i'll have to check that out, looks very helpful.

:hug:

I am sorry you did not get to heal the rest of the relationship. I totally understand how difficult it is to make friends in RL. I am just starting to feel like I have some RL friends here in MasterPlanistan. I still talk, often, to my friends in Minnesota. I think it is harder for those of us who eschew organized religion, since most churches have both services and small "special interest" groups that meet.

I am grateful to have met you and have enjoyed the time I have spent with you.

:hug:

It's mutual. (not very good with words today)

:hug: