Do you think that an 11-year-old who recently lost her father should see a grief counselor?

I've been trying to get my mother to send my sister to one, but she keeps resisting because my sister 'seems okay.'
However, when we were at Best Buy yesterday, I gave them our home phone number, and the person said my stepdad's name, and that was enough to cause my sister to start crying.
To me, that spoke volumes about her emotional state...it's really getting to her, but she has nobody to really express it to.
I'm not sure.
What do you all think?

hope you guys are hanging in there :hug:

:hug: look what you've done to me! i always type in noncaps now. it's all your fault.
we're doing alright...i would've thought ariel's outburst yesterday would help to convince mom that she needs to talk to someone, but...i dunno.

or has this conversation only been held in passing?

it's not fair to ariel to have to deal with this on her own. i wonder if your mom is trying to avoid dealing with her grief by not dealing with ariel's. but you know me and my armchair psychology and how i have a tendency to talk out of my ass.

i know how i'm dealing with it.
i just think my mom is underestimating how hard this is hitting home.

that might be somewhere to start. how much have you spoken with her about this? i'm wondering if it might be worth it to hit the library and get some books on how to talk to kids about grief.

i don't talk with ariel about it...she doesn't bring it up with me, and i'd rather not be the one to broach the subject with her.
i'm going to try and talk with some coworkers this week.

she needs someone to talk to and you're not helping her either by ignoring it

ask her if she misses him, ask her if she is sad or hurting or scared or whatever and tell her that all of her feelings are ok. hug her. let her cry on you.

Every day that passes will only be more things to overcome....An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure....

that'll be more than a month after his death.
of course, she's not my child, but still...she's important to me, and i want to see her taken care of.

It is not about convienience for the Mom, it is about healing the wounds of the situation. And during the school year is the best time to do it, os that she can deal with it with her friends and foes etc. and before she becomes isolated by being out of school. The transistion from school to no school will only makes thing worse, so better to get the child ready for the change. Summer is the time for parents to be around and thing swill be very hard for thsi child to deal with.

Not just one trip either, full time therapy.

it'll be a double whammy.
the problem is my sis has nobody to relate to...all her siblings are much older, and none of her friends can relate to what she's going through, so i doubt she talks to them about it.

Sounds like your mom's in more than a bit of denial. Just because your sister's not talking about it doesn't mean she isn't grieving.

Counseling would be an excellent idea, if your sis is open to it. Someone empathic and trained to help her express herself could be just what she needs.

I'm sad for you and your family. :hug:

Mom thinks that a bit of crying at the funeral, and some sentimental remembrances of her father here and there, and my sis is fine with it.
She's a very emotional and sensitive child, though...the fact that she hasn't been showing it more tells me that she's either trying to hold it in or doesn't know how to express it or who to express it too.

That poor kid is really suffering...

Is your mom in denial?

This is like not sending her to the doctor because she "seems OK" even though she's ill, for chrissakes!

I mean, really!

i waited way too long.

I think I would have benefited from talking to a grief counselor.

has plenty of outlets to talk to, I'd say yes it can't hurt. The only negative here is lost money. The positives go well beyond monetary value.

and something like that seems like it would just be too much for a girl to deal with on her own. A close friend of mine lost her husband to cancer 14 years ago, and her stepson was 11 then. He never got any counseling and he's STILL acting out and having difficulty in his relationships to this day.

Then they should both see a grief counselor. Your sister to help her come to terms with her profound and terrible loss.

Your mother for the same reason, but also because she's blind to (or in denial of) your sister's suffering.


I don't mean to sound harsh: your question is very good, and your concern for your sister is admirable.

and in some ways, he was closer to me than my father was at the time. It was the first time I'd lost anyone close.

My family is pretty open about death and mourning and no one ever wanted me to suppress my feelings, but this was a gut-wrenching experience anyway.

For a couple of years afterwards, I cried very easily but at the same time deliberately sought out sad books and movies.

This was more than 40 years ago, and no one had heard of grief counselors, but I was lucky in that my parents had seen the results of denial in a family they knew: A man died in an industrial accident, and rather than share the news with his seven-year-old son, the mother and grandparents bundled him off to distant relatives and told him that his dad had "just gone on a long trip." The kid guessed that his father was dead, but not seeing anyone mourning and sensing that he was not supposed to mourn either, he came to think that nobody but him had loved his father. It was a teacher who coaxed the story out of the boy after he kept bursting into tears in class.

My brothers and I therefore attended the wake and the funeral and were encouraged to talk about our grandfather. It was hard--I sobbed through most of the service--but in the end I'm glad that my parents took this approach instead of being in denial.

Your sister needs support and understanding, and it looks as if you're the only one willing to provide it. If you feel inadequate, remember that it's helpful, even if unpleasant for both of you, to acknowledge her feelings.

sometimes it helps to have someone the family knows
so its not so intimidating to talk to a stranger.

But yes... she needs someone to talk to, to confide in,
and to cry with, someone she trusts. If her mother is also in grief,
its hard to open up a family discussion.

This is a difficult mountain to climb. Sometimes school counselors
can be good, sometimes.. well.. meh.

Don't rule out options that might be available, but don't give up on her,
or on your Mother, or on yourself. After losing someone, it takes a while
before anyone is 'okay.'

Death is a bitch.

it could cause her a lot of harm

My family fell apart after my mother's death; we really did.

I stayed very close to my father, but it ended up that I lost my brother forever.

:(

I hope she's okay.

she is clearly not functioning (e.g., starting to fail in school, losing friends, etc...) or is clearly lacking family support.

It is absolutely normal to cry a lot after a significant loss. I would probably worry a little bit more if she weren't crying. But throughout history, the loving support of family and friends has been the most important and effective intervention for terrible losses. It is only in the past 30 years or so that people have been taught that counseling is NECESSARY in order to deal with human tragedies. Yes, it can be useful in some cases, but I would consider a lot of factors in making this type of decision.

First, most people don't realize that a lot of what is called "grief counseling" today may actually harm rather than help. The reason is that many grief and trauma therapists, while well-meaning, are still using therapy techniques that are based in myth and Freudian or pop psychology, rather than evidence-based science. The most common tenets of today's "grief counseling" came out of the unfortunate 80's and 90's, when it became gospel in the therapy community that losses and traumas needed to be coaxed out and talked about and rehearsed and worked through and vented and relived through catharsis, in order for the client to heal. Based on no science at all, people were taught that not expressing grief the way a therapist recommended could cause a danger of "repressing" the emotion and causing serious mental harm. The problem is that there is absolutely no science at all that supports these ideas. On the contrary, controlled research suggests just the opposite....that grief is a highly individual thing, and there is no "right" way to do it. And that pushing someone to go into therapy to "deal with" a trauma can actually cause more problems than it solves.

I highly recommend a recent book on PTSD by Dr. Gerald Rosen (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Issues and Controversies). The majority of the book is on response to trauma, but loss and grief are also addressed. He reviews recent research suggesting that many of the techniques used by grief and trauma therapists may actually strengthen the grief response rather than reducing it. For example, research is showing that people funnelled to grief counselors following a disaster are actually MORE likely to show PTSD symptoms a year later than those who are not.

Of course, there are always exceptions. People who don't have good family support, or those who don't seem to be able to rebound at all and begin to fail in important areas of life (social, school, work) may certainly benefit from working short-term with someone who is an empathetic listener and who will not push for "working through." But I would select a therapist very, very carefully, and I would be extremely attentive to your sister's response to the therapy.

IMO, just hold your sister a little closer for now, spend extra time with her, and have an open ear and open arms for her as she copes with this loss. I would involve her in positive activities and help her to find positive ways to remember her father. I would also allow her to get on with her life as much as possible without feeling guilty for not thinking about him and grieving him every second of the day. Just keep on doing what you are surely doing, which is loving her and supporting her. I would expect many tears and reassure her that they are a normal response to such a great loss. I think you will know soon enough if she really needs extra help from a counselor-type. But please don't underestimate the power of your own love.

They were 13, 11, and 8. They all needed to speak to someone and were emotionally damaged forever by the loss of a parent.

Their mother died in 1971. There was NO grief counseling available.

You might want to check out the book:

NEVER THE SAME, by Donna Schuurman

Try this link:

http://www.amazon.com/Never-Same-Coming-Terms-Parent/dp/0312330952

Sounds like she needs someone to talk to, a way to let the grief out so she can heal. Or else it could mess her up for life.

Khash.

i lost my older brother when i was 9 and while i 'seemed okay' to others it majorly fucked me up and im still not over it 14 years later

Yes.

Even though most people have a difficult time seeing those they love sad, and often just want for them to "move on" or "get back to normal". It has been 9 months and my son still cries, and then, sometimes, he'll be fine for days.

Did grief counseling work for him? No. But, I do have him in a group support setting. For my son (9), it helps him to know he isn't the only kid in the world going through this. Every other week he gets together with other 7-9 year olds who have suffered loss. This is run by a local hospice group and they help all age groups.

So many times we turn to "Get thee to a counselor now" attitudes when we are uncomforable with something. Let me tell you, I get it on a weekly, sometimes daily, basis if I ever dare so much as to cry over losing the love of my life. Sometimes it helps people to remember that. Grief is not controllable or to be run on a time table of someone else's chosing. It is what it is.

Best of luck to you and your family.

but perhaps a grief counsellor would help. If she is really against it then I would explain the grieving process to her myself and explain how the counsellor can help by: watching her go through this process and giving her advice - nothing more.

(as in the case of my son) group support is far more beneficial than one on one counseling. I stand by the idea that, for many, watching someone grieve is painful and we tend to want to hurry them through. My father admitted as much to me when he said,"This is taking longer than I thought..." Each process is unique.

and it is good if you are going through it to know that denial, barganing, anger, saddness, seeing life anew and moving on are all part of the process. It helps to know that. Why when you have already been through grief once - it can be easier the next time because you sense that there will be an end to the desperate saddness.

you. But I don't consider stages the right way. I will never be angry, and have never been in denial, and have only found myself resigned to something that will never change.

It helps us bothe immensely... I highly recommend it...
It's group therapy in different age groups...
I feel very comfortable and safe talking abi=out my emotions and such!
..Hope this helps!

She needs to see someone that will let her vent, and not try and cover up heer pain. A relative usually cannot do that.

I would suggest that she have an initial assessment by someone qualified to judge whether or not she is handling and healing from her grief appropriately. If she is then there may be no need for counseling. Thing is, if she is having difficulty then those closest to her may be the least likely to know of her problems. They may not want to recognize them. And she may be trying to protect them from further pain. However, if she has experienced earlier losses that were significant to her then she may already have the basic skills to successfully deal with her grief.

I lost my mother last year and I think counselling did actually help me for at least a few months. My situation is slightly different in that I was already seeing a counselor over other issues but I know that it did help me to continue seeing a counselor and talking about my mother's passing and issues relating to it in the immediate aftermath. And I'm 27

I would HIGHLY recommend some sort of counseling for your sister. Being 11 and having to cope with the loss of your father/stepfather in addition to the other pressures of your life at that age is something I wouldn't wish on anyone. Even at my age it was difficult going to the shopping centre where I used to accompany my mother and I remember the first time I did it, I was an emotional wreck

She needs someone who can provide her with some guidance and some advice on how to get through this and who can be there for at this time. She needs someone she can confide in who is outside of the family because she knows only too well that other members of the family are dealing with their own emotions with the loss of your stepfather and she may feel unable to express her intimate thoughts and feelings about what she is going through with them. Especially at an age such as your sister's, where everything can seem confusing even in a picture-perfect life, I think this is essential

And, even if your mother is right and she seems OK, that doesn't necessarily mean that she doesn't have problems or issues that need to be discussed or brought up. Some people handle themselves well on the outside following the passing of a loved one and may even feel that they are coping with the situation but may need counseling even if they don't realize it.

My thoughts, prayers, best wishes and deepest sympathies and condolences to your family Elrond:hug: :hug:

I'm sorry for your loss. :hug:

As a Hospice volunteer, I encourage your family to seek out a local one near you and check out their bereavement support. :thumbsup:

It can really help to have a safe emotional place to move through the grieving process.