Auto Accident Descriptions

From http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Lederer">Richard Lederer...

The following quotes are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest possible words.

* Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

* The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

* I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my hand through it.

* I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

* A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

* The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

* I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed for the embankment.

* As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.

* My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

* I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.

* The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run, so I ran over him.

* I saw a slow-moving sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

* I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

* I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

* I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble, when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

* I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

* In my attempt to hit a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

* The telephone poll was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way, when it struck my front end.

* An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

* The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Really happened 30+ years ago:

I made a turn onto a road that was actually a boat ramp and drove into a lake.

We have 75 lakes within 50 miles. That's a lot of boat ramps.

He used to work for a local council in the UK providing council housing repairs. I found this via Google but it purports to be a list of complaint letters that have come in to various UK housing authorities and councils - and yes my dad did bring home a list looking somewhat like this:

I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and she would like it in the garden before we move house.

I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6a.m., his cock wakes me up and now it's getting too much for me.

The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but I still have no satisfaction.

This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

My bush is really overgrown around the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

...and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take any more.

...that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.


Mark.

Silly Newspaper Headlines by Richard Lederer

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts says

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Drunk gets nine months in violin case

Survivor of siamese twins joins parents

Farmer Bill dies in house

Iraqi head seeks arms

Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?

Stud tires out

Prostitutes appeal to Pope

Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over

Soviet virgin lands short of goal again

British left waffles on Falkland Islands

Lung cancer in women mushrooms

Eye drops off shelf

Teacher strikes idle kids

Reagan wins on budget, but more lies ahead

Squad helps dog bite victim

Shot off woman's leg helps nicklaus to 66

Enraged cow injures farmer with ax

Plane too close to ground, crash probe told

Miners refuse to work after death

Juvenile court to try shooting defendant

Stolen painting found by tree

Two soviet ships collide, one dies

2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter

Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years

Never withhold herpes infection from loved one

Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84

War dims hope for peace

If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Enfields couple slain; Police suspect homicide

Gee and I thought *I* had a long wait at the grocery store last week! :D :rofl:

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

"We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife."

Those are fucking hilarious!

Those were funny. Thanks!

"Going to work at 7am this morning I drove out of my drive straight into a bus. The bus was 5 minutes early." (thanks N Bradley)

"I was driving along when I saw two kangaroos copulating in the middle of the road causing me to ejaculate through the sun roof." (from an Australian claim form - ack N Shepherd)

"The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind." (Thanks Sharon Burrows)

"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?

The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.

"I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."

"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."

"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."

"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"

"I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."

Q: Do you engage in motorcycling, hunting or any other pastimes of a hazardous nature? A: "I Watch the Lottery Show and listen to Terry Wogan."

"First car stopped suddenly, second car hit first car and a haggis ran into the rear of second car."

"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."

"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again"

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way"

"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face"

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car"

"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."

"I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."

"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."

"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."

"Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."

"I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."

"I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."

"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."

"My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."

"I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."

"I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."

"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."

"I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."

"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."

"The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."

"The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."

"When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."

"The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."

"No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."

to ejaculate through the sun roof." Hey, whatever turns you on, I guess. LOL