Need some input: Am I wrong to be furious with my Sister?

Situation:

Our Mother has ALS and is very sick. My Dad (her adopted Dad) has MS, and is also very sick (hospital for 7 months now).

She lives 20 min. from Mom, 45 min. from Dad's hospital. I'm approx. 100 miles from both.

I stay in constant contact as much as I can, and visit as much as I can. I"m not perfect, but I do my best.

She does NOT visit, call, write, do anything. Our Mother is literally dying, albeit slowly. I'm just at the point of never speaking to her ever again over this, it's just unconscionable to me.

Same goes for my Mom's Brother, who lives 10 minutes away. No contact.

Am I wrong? Irrational? I know we all deal differently with such things, but I can't believe that my Sister and Uncle are just...ignoring what's going on.

Sigh.

However, it could be that they just don't have the intestinal fortitude to face what is happening - in that case you should be furious, but tempered with a bit of pity.

I have an uncle that behaved that way while my grandmother slowly died over the course of years - never visited. No one in the family understood, and I think he regrets it now...

My Mom's illness terrifies me, but I'm going there next week to spend time with her. Because I want to be with her, as much as it upsets me, and because she wants it. I can cry all the way home, but if it makes her happy, I'll do it. I'll spend $60+ on gas just for that, and visit Pops on the way home.

My Sister..nada. Nothing.

I can't get right with that, regardless. It's our Mother, for christ's sake. :wtf:

That's extremely poor behavior on both parties' part, behavior they will certainly regret.

Edited to add: My grandfather had a short battle with ALS, and my step-uncle never came down and saw him before he died. He had an odd relationship with his dad, but he could have at least made an effort to see him before he died. He certainly regretted it. I could see it on his face when we were cleaning out my grandparent's house. That's a regret I don't ever want to have.

Nobody can tell her or him different. It's not just them either. I didn't mention my Grandma and Aunt. It's like we have the plague all of a sudden. It makes me very sad. :(

It's an odd thing to see, especially when you're so close to those who are ill. It's maddening. :(

:hug:

I'm coming to terms with it at the moment and am resolved to do a hell of a lot better. But, I have been doing what I can. They've done nothing. Pffft.

:hug: I'm just angry, at the moment. It may or may not pass.

He lived close to her, and I live 285 miles away, yet I talked to her more, and saw her more than he did.

Your frustration is understandable, as my other siblings and I often felt frustrated with him. We also thought he would come to regret not seeing her more, and he did. We don't throw it in his face, though, because we figure he has enough of a burden to bear as it is.

My guess is that they, like my brother, don't deal well with illness. I'm not making excuses for them; to me, when a loved one is ill, you should do what you can for them. But what I think isn't the law of the land, and I couldn't make my brother do stuff for mom.

You might consider talking to your sis and your uncle, but you'll have to keep in mind that it may do no good, and they may continue to do what they are doing: avoiding the situation.

Don't spend a lot of energy on them, though. You have enough on your mind right now, babykins, that you don't need to give them a big dose of the energy you have left.

:hug:

And it's going to be major strain emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, but I am. They don't do squat. I'm just...disgusted, I guess.

Although, I never expected more of either of them. Bitter, spiteful people, both of them.

Meh.

x(

It is indeed difficult for you, but you are NOT bitter or spiteful.

And that, my dear, is very admirable.

I'd be furious, too. And someday, your sister is going to deeply, deeply regret what she's done.

They've had issues since my Sis was 16 (she's 9 yrs older than me)...very resentful. It's kinda par for the course.

It makes me fucking sick though. I've a mind to send her, my uncle, my aunt, and my Grandma a pointed letter, at this point. There's really no excuse, imho.

you can save that energy for dealing with your own stress and that of those who ARE there like your brother.

Like others, I've seen this avoidance behavior, mostly out of fear. Everyone else in the family gets pissed off at the avoiders. Your anger is understandable because you recognize how hurtful this is for your parents. The avoiders don't get it. On your sister, if you can have a rational discussion with her, it may be worth a shot telling her that her mother needs to see her and her siblings could use some support too. Maybe that would get the message through to her.

I wasn't so angry before tonight, when it was confirmed that she hasn't been there in months. My Uncle I'm not so surprised about, he avoids society in general, but...I'm having a difficult time rationalizing how someone could just act like they don't care about their gravely ill parent. Does not compute. Even if I'm not there, I think about it every minute.

Sigh. Thanks :hug:

I didn't care. I didn't go see her.

In my mind at the time was the absolute knowledge that she'd wait till she saw me to die. And if she didn't see me, she wouldn't die. It didn't work, of course, and I'm left with wishing I'd gone. I was just convinced at the time that if I went she'd die and if I didn't she wouldn't.

How do you tell that to the rest of your family?

I have a aging uncle and my brother absolutely will not bother to go see him. We're talking a fifteen minute drive here, and that's on a bad day. I see him on weekends and feel guilty on the times that I skip a week. And he's asked for, and received, money from the man, real big money, right before he was hospitalized and found to be no longer competent to be let live alone. Not I, nor do I ever have to meet my Maker and say that I ever asked him, or anyone for a dime.

We all get to take with us our karma, nothing else, and I have to remember that. It's work for me not to let it get to me, but I have to detach and say God takes care of His own, and we each get to learn our own lessons as needed. Mine? Learning not to judge, because that's God's job not mine.

Blood don't run thicker than water in this family, though. We are sewn together by our hearts not our bloodlines. I am a somewhat adopted member of my own family, that's what makes it a bit -- ironic -- is the only word I can think of.

Live your life and love you mother and father to the fullest, and pray to God to cleanse your heart from all bitterness. That's all you can do.

Indeed :thumbsup:

:pals:

Has she ever given a reason for her actions?

It's complicated, but basically she became estranged from my parents when she was 16, got pregnant at 18 and 20, was very much supported by my parents, and has now told them to fuck off, between then and the age of 40, with 3 kids and a new husband.

I can't understand it, since I'm not her, I guess. I adore our parents, flaws and all. :shrug:

My sister is estranged (long story) from my mom who is 58, I really hope that if anything happened to my mom that my sister would come help her out as I would. I'm glad that my sister lets my mom have a relationship with her grandkids though. What's sad is that my sister is very much alike to my mom.

My sister is estranged from my dad (who I still talk to), but I can understand if she never ever ever spoke to him again and spit on his grave.

I'm the kid in the family who talks to our parents the most, and even though they both made some horrible decisions as parents, I'd much rather have them in my life than not.

I have lived through a lot of death and sickness.

May I just say... Please, do not judge your sister at this time. She may have her own demons that you can not now understand. She is walking her own path and you need to walk yours.

She may be afraid. Death is scary. She may be weak. This is not evil. She is what she is.

You are a strong woman. May I suggest you reach out to her and ask her "What is hurting... I want to listen." You may hear your answer.

I have been in both of your places. It all hurts. Please love her and know she has her own pain.

She is not ignoring, she is surviving.

Peace....


-----


Gilligan

do that. I just don't know how to start that dialogue right now, with everything else going on. Suggestions?

:hug: You are wise, my friend.

Call her and tell her the truth. Tell her you are hurting too and you need a friend. Make her be the one who lends an ear - she will open up... I promise.Tell her you are feeling defensive and you would like to meet her for lunch and have a glass of wine or cup of coffee and talk. If she shuts you down, then you have done what you can do - you took the high road. She can't hate you for being fair and coming toward her with love instead of anger.

:pals:

In your position I'd treat her the same way she treats your mother.

before I met her. Her mother was dying of cancer, her brother just disappeared, her sister called in advice long-distance but would never visit, her father was acting out in all kinds of bizarre ways, and it fell on my ex to do everything.

Many face death by trying to avoid dealing with it.

i mean if they have never gotten along, just because the parent/sister is sick, might not change the situation

When my father-in-law was dying at home {He was on hospice} we had to make repeated phone calls to 2 of his daughters to come see him. The day they finally arrived was the day he passed away . the hospice nurse believed he was hanging on until he could see them.
It can be hard not to be resentful when the challenge of coping with dying relatives falls only on a select few shoulders.....but in dealing with this you not only help your parents but you enrich your own life as well. Good luck with this.....

I feel for all of you. :(

They just can't. It's a loss of control thing. It happened in my family and I was the one who could not show up. Not only did it tear me up, I couldn't deal with the guilt. I think my sister still hates me for it.

And it's okay to feel angry and hurtful towards them.

It is so difficult to be away from loved ones during times of crisis, when others are close by and seem to do nothing.

:hug: