What can I do about a clingy significant other?

As some of you may remember, my s/o and I had some issues back in November (wow- that was almost a year ago). Condensed version: He was in a habit of fooling around, I caught him a few times (november being the last), told him that he was on his very last chance. Thus far, things have been OK. He's been seeing a counselor (I went a few times) and has supposedly gained some understanding as to his behavior. I've no reason to believe that he has betrayed my trust since.

But.... He's become terribly clingy. My work schedule is somewhat erratic, in that I might leave on time at 4:30, or I might be there until 6:00 or so to finish up some things. And sometimes stopping to call puts me further behind. Typically by 5:00, if he hasn't heard from me, he gets frantic and starts calling. When we do finally get to speak, he has that "dejected puppydog" voice going ("Well, I hadn't heard from you since lunch... I was just worried... Wondering what was wrong and where you were..." etc...).

I don't mind that he cares, of course, but I've never been a "phone call for no reason" kind of person. Is this typical behavior from someone in his position? Is he over-compensating, or trying to prove that he's not somewhere where he shouldn't be? Does he think that I am out fooling around? I just don't understand this quirk, and it's getting to be a little irritating that I am on a phone leash.

Any insight is appreciated. Otherwise... :rant:

:hi:

that doesn't involve infidelity.

Does he have hobbies, friends? Is his life mostly centered around you? By fooling around, you mean you caught him cheating on you? Do you think he might have a guilt complex? What was his upbringing like, his parents? I know, a lot of questions but I think there's an explanation for his behavior somewhere in there.

Self Esteem: Overall, I'd say good. He has his moments like we all do, but nothing unusual.

Hobbies/Friends: There are things he does that are on his own. As for friends, we share some friends and we both have friends that are mostly our own.

Life centered around me?: I don't know about "centered" but we do spend a lot of time together, obviously.

Fooling around: Yes, I caught him. More than once.

Guilt complex: I don't know. He always said that he felt guilty about what he put me through, but we haven't talked about that in a while now, in trying to move forward.

Upbringing: He was adopted, but he carried no scars from it that I know of (he was an infant). Reasonably close to his parents (especially his dad).

I have also been on the receiving end of clinginess. It unfortunately smothers the person being clung to. I would guess his behavior results from anxiety (something I deal with as well... nasty shit). He needs reassurance, but also a statement of your needs, two of which are fidelity and SPACE.

Here is something you can try: Call him more often. You may feel you shouldn't have to do that (you don't), but it puts you in charge of the interruptions and may soothe his anxiety before it gets the better of him.

he might be worried about the relationship or maybe even upset with you for some reason. I can think of times (like, lets say, now) where I've been upset in a relationship and the bad thoughts swirl around my head and it seems the only thing that will stop them is to see or at least talk to the SO. I know it's probably annoying, but hopefully (for him and me) a transitional sort of thing. Personally, when I feel like I'm bugging the crap out of my wife (after me being a bit distant for many years she doesn't seem to mind the clingyness too much) and I get the urge to cling, I'll instead go for a bike ride (or walk) or play some guitar or (not necessarily for everybody) smoke a little herb. Anyway my guess is that he really, really cares for you. Cheers and good luck.

While people will be unfaithful for sex, there are people who confuse "sex with love" without realizing it - the intimacy, contact, etc. - replacing the emotional support they crave with physical.

Perhaps this has come out from counseling and now he realizes this is what he really desires and is the assurance you're there for him.

Thankfully, my SO is just as clingy as I am. That makes it easy to get along.

One thing, though; the infidelity might have been a way of seeking out emotional comfort, rather than just sex. Perhaps if you could compromise and meet in the middle, so to speak, both of your needs can be reasonably met.

not that feeling neglected is a justification to cheat or anything, but it's certainly different than the kind of person who cheats because they feel entitled to sex. I'm sure there's some overlap, but in my personal experience alpha type sex cheaters are less likely to change than beta emotional cheaters.

When I moved in with my fiance to a new city in a foreign country, I was teh definition of clingy. I couldn't even go get takeout lunch by myself. The weird thing is, I have traveled internationally by myself and with friends and I was always very independent, get out there and do it kind of person. However when you find someone who is very supportive, it's easy to becomes dependent on that beyond the point of reason. The apartment I never left started out as a comfy nest but when my fiance had to go back to work fulltime, it became a prison of boredom. I got a job, took language classes, and forced myself to do shit by myself without constantly relying on my fiance to consult with me.

My advice is to set the boundaries of acceptable behavior, as you did when he cheated. Encourage him to work/get a hobby.

I don't know given this info is its any indication that he's cheating, but my gut says he cheated in the first place because he felt neglected, and may be the personality type that seeks constant attention and validation. This of course is no excuse for him to cheat or be overly needy. Being clingy is a major turn-off and I know why it bothers you. In my experience, cheaters when they are actively cheating tend to either pretend everything is absolutely A-OK or they start to criticize and pick at you (or the latter is a pretense for the behavior of the former). I think the clinginess is either overcompensation or possibly he is subconsciously trying to fault you for not being there and testing you so you might fail and his next cheating episode is conveniently justified to his ego.

Again, I really have no idea about your situation given the information but this is based on my personal experiences with cheaters, the more passive "nice" guys who cheat which I assume yours is. I would re-establish the boundaries, reward his self-reliance, and keep an eye on him from a distance.

:hug:

but not specifically directed to your post- a lot of folks have brought up the hobby and/or job notion.

He works part time (M-Th, 8 am to 1 pm), plus he is active in his church choir (rehearsals on Th evening, plus services all Sunday morning). And, the choir stuff takes up some other time as well. So, he does have interests that I'm not involved in, as do I.

And I guess I'll go on record that he could never say that I wasn't available or that I was ever distant to him. We have a very good dynamic together, in fact. I just am a little concerned as to his need to speak to me on the phone several times per day.

Thanks for all of the comments!

:P

hi