Wedding gifts etiquette question

Sorry in advance for the long ramble... ;)

So... people are starting to ask Iza and I where we’re registered. Well, we're not, and to be perfectly honest we don’t want stuff. First of all, we have everything we need (we are already living in sin, zOMG!!!) and we don’t have room to store anything more; second of all, we don’t like the thought of telling people we love "we want A, B, C, and D and you must get us one of these items." Not to mention our general distaste for the rampant consumerism that goes along with the wedding industry. But I digress. Anyway, what I just did was set up a registry here: http://www.justgive.org/ It’s a website that allows you to pick from among a zillion charities, and your guests can donate if they are so inclined. I already registered us at three of our favorites, Wheels 4 Life, Sierra Club and Kiva.org.

So - will people be OK with this? I figure everyone probably already thinks we're a little odd, so it should come as no big surprise. ;-) If we must, we could also create a “stuff” registry, but we’d likely do it at www.GoWesty.com to get accessories for our Vanagon. So that’s not necessarily less weird, hehee. Second question is, should I email people with this info? I can send out an email to everyone who’s invited saying something like "Sally and Iza request charitable donations in lieu of gifts, blah blah blah"? But that seems kind of tacky.

OK, I will stop rambling now. Let me know what you think. :hi:

Yeah, you can email people who are invited ith that info.

I emailed my mom to see if she'll freak... i figure if she gives it the green light then i'll send it out! :D

People want to know what you want and you let them know. Bravo!

because people feel like they want/have to get you something - so this seems like a great way to do it!

have been exchanging birthday presents for several years (and years and years) and we both have more stuff then we will ever need. We chatted about the gift thing and for about the past five years we have exchanged the addresses of different charities we'd like a donation given to. We agreed that each year it would be a different charity. Best gift I get every year. Its those big hearted Sailors who keep on giving long after retirement.

What a wonderful idea. I like the switching it up every year aspect - how do you find new charities?

just get on a couple of mailing lists and you'll be flooded with requests. I got 14 unsolicited calendars last year. My choice this year is the Alzheimer's Assn which I give to regularly because my Dad had it and I'm a good candidate for it. And we both know of numerous Veterans organizations.

That way people know what to do and don't have to worry about if they are getting a duplicate item!
And it benefits others. Kudos to you.:thumbsup:

No sirree. :D

Thanks hon! :hug:

:rofl:

could somebody PLEASE think of the waffle irons!

I mean, what will i do when i get a hankering for some melted cheese???

yeah most folks just expect you to be registered, somewhere. They want to give you a gift that they know you actually want.

And even couples like you sometimes have missing stuff they just never acquired, or maybe your existing stuff is worn out and needs replacing or you just want to upgrade something.

Seriously the charity thing is quite cool and you can let folks know by telling all your family members and close friends of your choice,who will spread the word, and of course anyone who actually asks you directly.


(Personally I think it is tacky for the registry info to be in the wedding invitations at all, but I am old fashioned in that way. If someone is throwing a shower or gift party, then it has to be there, but someone else is also sending the invitations, not the couple or the parents.)

HOWEVER, you will get gifts and they may be very creative. When we married, we got picture frames, interesting already framed stuff, interesting casseroles, cookbooks, money which we used to buy cool stuff in Spain on our honeymoon, etc.

Times have changed though.......

When we got married 26 years ago, registering wasn't the humongo deal it is now. You went to the department store and picked out a set of dishes and eating utensils you liked and maybe some sort of glassware to complement it and people bought pieces of it if that is what they liked to give. I really do not like the process today, where you go in with a barcoder and literally barcode everything in the Target, JCPenneys, or where ever. But I did say I was old fashioned.

I had a small set of pottery that I had started and some nice stainless, just enough for one person, and so registered that, and my mom told everybody who asked where it was registered. We did receive a nice amount of it and had enough to have 6 people over to eat and have everything match.

Now when I married the first time, I had china, pottery, crystal, silver plate and stainless all registered. We got A LOT of that because most folks where I lived back in 1969 liked to give that stuff. Tradition, you know. We ended up with a full set of china, silverplate and some of the casual stuff; just a little of the crystal though.

When we split up, he took the pottery and stainless and I kept the fancy stuff. Reason: the fancy stuff was all given to us by the folks in my hometown, people I had known and loved all my life, some of whom had died. So it ended up being highly sentimental and I still have all of it, even though I don't use it very often. It does set a pretty table.

The pottery was mostly given by my mom and a couple of school friends and acquired after our marriage when we found it on sale.

Yeah, we didn't put anything about gifts on the invitations - i always squirm a bit when people do that. Now that we're just a few weeks away from the wedding, people are starting to ask us. I suppose i can get my mom to spread the word, rather than emailing, or just answer questions as they come in.

Sounds like you ended up with gifts you really value - which should always be the case! :)

and all were greatly appreciated.

Heck I have given a bicycle as a wedding gift..my father was appalled..but the couple was going to college and didn't have a car. Daddy thought we should give them something silver, that they could keep. It was my husband's sister so I let him decide what to give them.

My current wedding present if it is a young couple especially is my own invention:

The Brownie Kit

large microwavable bowl with handle and pour spout
8 or 9 inch square pan

(sometimes measuring spoons and cups, depending on my mood; sometimes a box of cocoa if it is a pantry shower)
and a copy of :

"We Don't Need No Stinkin' Brownie Mix" ..an excellent brownie recipe; sometimes I print off a few of my other favorite recipes. This has been an excellent gift for the couples in my daughter's age group, who are the children of my friends.

By the way, I never told you that I love the dress you chose. I can so see my own daughter choosing a dress like that.

Sounds like a fun and thoughtful gift. And tasty. :)

square pans. They are very handy.

a problem with it. If they do, they don't have to donate.

I just didn't know if it might seem bizarre to the conservative Midwestern contingent... but i'm less and less worried about it. ;)

A few years ago the rampant consumerism of the Christmas holiday season was finally too much, and our families decided "enough." We all agreed that we have all we want and/or need, so we have taken to helping out families through our local Social Services. We usually "adopt" two families and provide everything for the holiday - food, gifts, clothing.

mikey_the_rat

What a wonderful idea. :yourock:

I love your idea, and so will your friends. :patriot:

BUT: I don't know if any grandparents are involved, but I can tell you that we got what my grandma thought we needed, not what we were registered for (our china pattern was WAY to contemporary for her delicate sensibilities.)

PLUS: We got fantastic hand-crocheted comforters and a hand-made quilt from the grandmas and other family members, which of course we never would have asked for.

Hand-made quilts and the like... those are things we would love. I just don't want to go wander around Macy's and try to find stuff i want, ugh!

:hi:

plus my Uncle owsn a hardware store that had a home stuff dept. that my Nana managed so i was set up the moment i got engaged.

I think your idea is great but....you probably will get a few toasters and stuff anyhow.

Do single people not eat toast? :D

We got 2 toasters and 2 blenders, can ya believe that? No one gets any toast making device from me unless they specifically ask for one.

so we can finally eat toast now. It'll be funny to observe his confusion. :D

how to find something without too much time shopping. You've just solved all of their problems. Email away. They'll be pleased.

I am waiting to hear from mom and then i think i'll do so. :D

:hide:


ok... two I like if you are looking?


http://www.seva.org/site/PageServer


http://www.rexfoundation.org/history.html

those links were going to be towels you particularly liked. :rofl:

Thanks for the suggestions! :hi:

B-)

Most people think that wedding registries (or any kind of registry, for that matter), have gotten out of hand. I make it a point not to buy anything on the resgistry. They get gift certificates from me.

I'm glad that most folks here think it's a good idea! I'm pretty excited about it - especially seeing how much money we can funnel into these great charities. :D

Etiquette says that you don't volunteer where you're registered with the exception of "showers." The host(ess) of the shower is usually not a member of the family, and can state in the invitation where the bride and groom are registered.

Wedding invitations aren't supposed to have that stuff - it's like asking for a gift. When people actually followed rules of etiquette, relatives of the bride and groom got lots of phone calls from folks asking where the couple was registered.

However, there's a little way of getting around that. Set up your own website describing your relationship, maybe include a couple of pics for those folks who haven't met your signifcant other, give some info about the wedding, maybe the wedding venue, blah, blah, blah, and you can include info on where you're registered. Point people to the website.

Yeah, I know, it sounds crazy. I didn't make this stuff up. Just relaying the info. Don't shoot the messenger, please.

And good luck on your continued happy life together!

We have a website with info about the wedding location and such, so we can definitely put it on there. Thanks for the advice! :D

As a mom, I've done this once or twice. :)

And, really, I would register at - at least - one store. You can register for gifts in a variety of price ranges, and then bring half the stuff back and get something you really like! :) Exchange all that small stuff for a nice camera or furniture or something! :) My friend's daughter returned some of her gifts and got a nice big gift card in it's place, which she used to buy clothes for herself and her husband, a nice watch for her dad, and gifts for Christmas. LOL

It's just one of those rituals that is practiced in a good part of the world. Some people like buying wedding presents.

throws the shower. Sisters, aunts or cousins don't bother me as much. I am not old fashioned about many things but I am regarding this stuff.

and do not even get me started on baby shower etiquette.

We Texans know our etiquette! LOL

A close relative of one of my children's future spouse (now married) wanted to throw the happy couple a shower, and I was cringing trying to figure out how I was going to 'splain that one to Grandma! The family is lovely, but I'm sure Grandma thinks my child married "white trash." sigh (And they absolutely aren't!)

One must definitely abide by the rules of the class system - "good" manners and all.

Usually the bridesmaids had a shower of some sort, and maybe an aunt would host one. Or the church ladies. or the college friends.

My youngest sister married a guy from our little town, and I do mean little. No shopping out in the county for her, no sir. Anyway they were the first couple in decades to both be from this little town. Everybody came to that wedding and she had about 6 showers, parties, teas whatever. These parties were hosted by the ladies in the two churches, her fiance's cousins, a family up the road, her high school friends, and so forth.

I had one done by the church ladies, and one done at college by my sorority sisters.

My mother would just go nuts when she got an invitation to a shower hosted by either of the mothers, or invitations that she knew the hostesses had pulled the whole guest list right out of the phone book..in other words people she didn't really know all that well...

nowadays, the brides organize their own showers..it makes me cringe

==================
GROVELBOT.EXE v4.1
==================



This week is our third quarter 2008 fund drive. Democratic Underground is
a completely independent website. We depend on donations from our members
to cover our costs. Please take a moment to donate! Thank you!

"The pleasure of your company."

"No, what do you really want?"

"We have all the material goods we need. What will make our big day perfect is the pleasure of your company."

The only problem with this ancient and socially impeccable dialogue is that you are likely end up with seven crock pots. So, having written the obligatory "thank you for the wonderful crock pot" letter seven times you donate six of them to a charity of your choice.

That, however, may lead to:

"Er, is that the crock pot we gave you for your wedding?"

"Alas, I dropped it. But it was so useful we ran out and got a new one."

**********

My great-grandmother (whose big wedding present was a furious letter from her father disinheriting her) began what has become my family tradition. We give a set of plain white linen double bed sheets. Nobody ever has too many sheets, white linen goes with any decor, and the gift is remembered at some of the happiest times in the new marriage. Of course crock pots and toasters are a lot cheaper. :-(

We really just want people to come... but apparently no one really believes us. :D

Sheets are a nice idea - something that people will use, rather than an extra crockpot in the closet. :)

"What do you want for your wedding"
"The pleasure of your company."
"No, what do you really want?"
"The pleasure of your company."
++++++++


How irritating! As others mentioned, at least suggest a charity to give to in your name.

So much of this wedding process has been about keeping everybody happy, yet trying not to compromise TOO much on how we want things to go... :crazy:

Maybe we should've eloped! :D

I thought the week before the wedding I was going to have a nervous breakdown, there were so many small -- but very important -- details!

I think it's a terrific idea and you and Iza have registered for what you want. :)

:hug:

How are things going with you? I've been thinking of you a lot... :hug:

the Honda attempted suicide again and $380 later, it's fixed. I wanted to come to Columbus but cannot afford the trip now that I have the time. x(

I've got leads on jobs, but probably won't get hired in time to pay my rent on the 1st. One day at a time I guess.

We'll be moving Lelapin in to her apartment the weekend of your wedding reception/party. We'll definitely see you and E and R then. :hug:

All the best to you and Iza. Love you both. :)

Sorry to hear about the continuing car trouble. Just when you least needed another thing to worry about, right??? I'm sure something good will happen job-wise, though! You kick too much a$$ to not be scooped up soon.

I'm so excited to hear that you'll be in town that weekend!!! Does lelapin already have an apartment lined up, or do you want me to keep a lookout? I sure hope you can all come by the party. I am finalizing plans for catering, music, etc - it should be a blast!

:hug:

:loveya:

I'll RSVP so you can get our numbers included in the count.

:hug:

Just FYI. ;)

:spray:

you're funny!!!

:rofl:

;)

:D

I agree, the whole wedding industry has gotten WAY out of hand. And brides are getting so unbelievably greedy, even at showers. I just heard of a new trend whereby brides are requesting that shower gifts be wrapped in clear, transparent paper so that they can see what the gift is before they open it. The scuttlebutt is that, if they don't like what they see, they can immediately return it and get what they want without having to open the gift. Kudos to you for not falling for any of that!

Hubby and I had a very small, intimate wedding last November and we requested no gifts (we had about fourteen guests, at a historic B&B). A couple of people brought some, anyway. And, since almost none of my family were able to make it, some sent gifts for several months afterwards. I think the smaller, intimate, weddings are the best. I wish we'd known about that charity donation site at that time, I would have suggested that.

I read this craaaazy article by a woman who used to work in the industry. She said that wedding industry insiders would refer to "problem brides" - and the definition of a problem bride was "a woman who is more interested in being married than she is in her wedding day." (!!!!!)

That is unbelievable about the clear-wrapped gifts!!! Gosh that's tacky.

Your wedding sounds lovely. We wanted a very small one too, probably will be about 50 people - which is little considering how gigantic my fiance's family is! Then we're having another reception for *everyone*. All in all it has worked out well so far, hopefully no hurt feelings!

:yourock::yourock::yourock::yourock::yourock::yourock:

:applause::applause::applause::applause::applause:


And no, you should not send out an email. Only let people know about the charity registry if they ask you, then you can tell them.


And bless you bless you bless you for saying "no" to the greedy, obnoxious, and utterly impolite gift registry.

:rofl:

Right, my mom said the same thing about the email (and she's the etiquette police!). So we're just going to let people know as they ask. :)

Thanks for your post, it made my day. :D

:hug:

I believe that etiquette allows your invite to read, "No gifts, please," or "in lieu of personal gifts, the happy couple is registered at" blah, blah, blah. Before your invitation arrives, the guests you correspond with regularly can be advised less formally of your wishes.

I think it's a wonderful idea.

We've already sent the invitations, with nothing about gifts at all. So we're just going to tell people about the charities as they ask. I think most of our friends will be super into it. We may still get some gifts from the older folks coming to the wedding, but at least we'll hopefully channel some money towards some great causes!

:hi:

Since the invites didn't specify your cooler plan, expect to see a few of the typical wedding presents that etiquette mandates. It's possible that this could cause awkwardness, as guests learn that you didn't really want what they brought. I think you owe it to them to make every effort to let them know ASAP, since some on-the-ball folks buy well in advance.

Or am I wrong? Is there a way to make an equally big deal about every kind of gift at the reception? That could satisfy everyone.

Best wishes!

Being registered and advertising it is just as tacky as saying "No gifts, please".

Invitations are invitations.

If people want to give a gift, let them do the work of finding out on their own whether they should, and if so, what.

My fiance had lost his job and we were living in a little apt. crammed with shit.

When people asked what we wanted, I blush to admit I replied, "Well, our apartment is completely stuffed, but our bank account has lots of room in it!"

So we did get lots of money, along with some other stuff completely not our taste (I HATE Lenox!) that is still sitting in my old bedroom at my mother's house.

I totally admire your charity idea. You rock!!!

That's completely different from putting out a list and sending it out to everyone! I think that is ok in today's society.

I don't think that's tacky - people were asking you what you wanted! It would have been tacky to include "cash, please" on the invitation. ;)

If people in your families feel they MUST give you something, tell them to give you cash, then donate it to one of those charities yourself. :)

I'm hoping that the people who still buy us gifts will just be close family - so hopefully they'll have some clue what we'd want without us having to register. We'll see. :)

My husband and I did a registry at Debenham's in the UK. At first we went to Debenham's at the Bullring and they allowed us to scan several items in the store for the registry.

We then went home and thought about what items we needed to replace, etc. We gave away a lot of our old (creaky) kitchen stuff or took them to the dump.

We basically had to do a registry due to people in the US wanting to give us a present. We did another "registry" for our US party but this time we just put movies or books we wanted (we didn't want people to give us gifts in person, as it'd be too much for us to bring back to the UK).

Maybe we should have done the charity thing this time around! :-( Sorry

And no need to apologize! :) Sounds like you guys were at least thoughtful about the registry - i feel like some people just register for everything in the store!

:hi: