Match Game Story: Jackass Jim gave his girlfriend a ___ on the anniversary of her dad's death

Put ten or more words in the blank to make a story.

Extra points for ludicrous amounts of blood.

AP Press Release

Wasilla AK - Jackass Jim gave his girlfriend a ton and a half of raw Moose steaks that have been

left behind to rot in the sun after Palin's hunting raid, on the anniversary of her dad's death.


Can I get an extra subtlety point for slipping "left behind" in the story ? :)

...that he had purchased for twelve dollars and one cent at the local Wal-mart store. The book was highly regarded and had won a spot on several bestseller lists. Publisher's Weekly had called it "insightful" and even critic John Leonard had described the work as "breezy". Diehard Tolkein fans complained that the gimmicky tome had rung yet another death knell for their beloved author's legacy but faithfully snapped up multiple volumes at over one hundred twenty dollars a piece, keeping at least one in it's original shrinkwrap and grumbling with delight as they carefully flipped through an opened copy.
But true to his epithet, Jim had chosen a cheaply made version that the publisher had had manufactured in China with dubious materials and printing processes in order to meet the large retailer's stringent pricing demands. When she opened it, his innamorata noticed a strangely chemical order. Unbeknownst to her, the cheap glue in the binding contained toxic waste of a kind currently banned in 140 countries. The vapors from it somehow awakened in her a heretofore recessive gene for an extreme but rare form of hemophilia. She began flipping through the scenes of poorly drawn, awkwardly moving figures nonethless.
Despite the flipbook's obviously cheap construction, she admired how the animators had carefully included dainty sprays of red pigment on a few of the plates in the otherwise black and white illustrations. It produced unexpected fireworks displays in the scenes of Bilbo's birthday party and the effect continued through the scenes in the Prancing Pony and the attack of the Ringwraiths. So captivated by Tolkein's powerful narrative was she that the poor girl didn't realize the razor-sharp pages of her gift had not been carefully buffed and softened on the edges like the more costly editions found at locally owned book retailers. As she continued to rifle the edges, enjoying the crude animations, first pints, then quarts and finally gallons of her own blood continued to spew from her now ragged fingertips.
The characters soon seemed to dance off the pages and some even spoke to her as her anemia grew. Every scene was now awash in red: the Council of Elrond glowed scarlet; the Misty Mountains looked more like a view from Sedona during a drought; Lothlorien was a fucking abbatoir. Little Frodo and faithful Sam never reached Mordor nor did Aragorn return to Gondor, at least in this interrupted reading. Jim had finally come home from work and found his girlfriend lying in a pool of slippery, uncoagulating red fluid. He called 911.
"Is she going to die," he asked the paramedic, as his sweeteart was rushed to the ambulance.
"I don't think so," was the reply.
"Whew," exclaimed Jim. He was reeling from the events of the day but thankful that the tragedy would not be sharpened with irony, because the bloody flipbook episode had occurred...

:rofl:

:yourock:

I don't know if that one can be topped. Priceless!!

I coulda done more with the premise but I try to limit my frustrated-former-English-major bullshit writing to an hour a week. ;-)

gotta love that

album of forensic photos from the police investigation of her father's murder on the anniversary of her dad's death

Todd split with his business partner.

...a pair of Green Bay Packers season tickets, a lifelong subscription to Playboy, a new vacuum cleaner, a "Hooters" waitress outfit, and a gift certificate for a boob job/custom vagina combo special at the local cosmetic surgeon...


...on the anniversary of her dad's death.


:hide:

which she could smell mixed with earth, more and more as he assfucked her while pushing her face into the ground inches in front of his tombstone





what?

:rofl:

:thumbsup:

I'm cryin' here . . . :rofl: :spray:

That's so romantic.

THIS is brilliant.

:rofl:

:D

Good to have you back!

Dude.

:rofl:

breaking her jaw and spraying her teeth into the mold- and mildew-covered filthy shower of the disgusting bathroom in the squalid little convenience apartment they'd been living in for the last 17 years. As she fell to the floor, her psoriasis-laced over-callogened blubber vibrating with the sickly rhythm of a pre-vomitous cat, her head smashed into the side of the toilet bowl, the blackened bodily-fluid incrustation of which smeared into her thick, greasy, pungent horrifyingly dirty hair, and her body came to rest on the urine-stained tile floor. Grabbing the curtain rod, that had years before falling onto the floor and been slowly over time covered with a thick soup of moss, spiders, insect-carcasses, mold, urine, feces, and stuff so sick that I would go to jail to mention it publicly, Jackass Jim stood over his victim, the now-prone girlfriend whose only movement was the final coruscating waves of flab, and brought the towel rod down upon her face, over and over and over, smashing breaking smashing tearing, blood spraying him in the face and spraying in the mirror and pooling on the floor like semen after raping a cadaver, except magnitudes more in volume. Her dying body convulsed and her bowels catastrophically exploded, showering him with the intestinal filth of days' worth of Taco Bell Burritos Supreme and Pinto Beans with Cheese, 27 of each just in the last five hours, and he opened in his mouth in scatological joy and screamed hymns of praise to Heaven in the garbled kind of tone that can come only from a mouthful of scat from the recently murdered. He breathed heavily, his pulse slowing down as the reverie ended, and moved to the kitchen to search through the mountains of cardboard boxes and fast-food bags, looking for anything to eat, any old moldy thing the smell of which wasn't too rancid, and it was then, on the way to the kitchen, dodging mountains of boxes filled with receipts, newspapers, magazines, Shopko flyers, and all the other detritus that neither were ever willing to throw away, that he glanced to the wall and noticed the date, and a wave of guilt came over him for he had intended to do this the day after, not on the anniversary of her dad's death.

then going back to read the rest :rofl:

edit: fuckin hell!

I don't know where it came from, but I stopped for a moment to realize just how perfectly wonderful an image it is.