Overweight people really are treated differently I believe.

I'm just a 23 year old guy who was overweight for about 5 years. I only got back into shape about six months ago. In addition to lowering my cholesterol and blood pressure significantly, I noticed that people treat me differently. And I was never tremendously overweight. I was about 205 pounds at 5'10", so I guess I was borderline between overweight and obese. But now that I'm 165 pounds, have added some muscle, and have dropped a few waist sizes, I really feel that people treat me differently.

I never have women brush me off when I talk to them at bars with my friends, which always seemed to happen in the past. I never have salespeople ignore me at stores, which always seemed to happen in the past. I never had bartenders ignore me at bars while I waited 10 minutes for them to come and take my order, which always seemed to happen in the past. Up till around six months ago, these were the norms in my life. I chalked it up to our personalities not meshing, but now I realize that they just had problems with overweight people. I have discussed this with my friends over the past month or so as I find myself having far more success with women than I used to, and one of them said that I was simply mistaken. He told me that the reason I was having more success with women and with people in general is that losing the weight helped boost my confidence, which is more attractive to women, and to all people in fact. We went back and forth but I'm pretty sure that I'm correct in my assumptions. I don't believe that I suffered from a confidence problem when I was overweight. I just looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw. And it's a struggle every day to stay this way because both my parents are overweight, and there's always free food at law school, and at the law firm I work at. People are always offering me donuts or asking me if I want a sandwich picked up for me when one of the paralegals takes orders at noon. But I digress.

So which do you guys think it is? Is it a combination of people treating overweight people differently and the increased confidence, perhaps, from weight loss? Or is it a 100% confidence issue? Or is it a fact that most people are shallow? I really believe there's huge amounts of discrimination out there, and I never realized it until now.

When I was 22, I weighed 145..a hundred pound difference. And yes, people treat you differently. I know this for a FACT.

and although everyone that big has "issues"...

calling either one of them shy or wallflowers or NOT CONFIDENT would be like calling McCain competent.
My mother and aunt also go out of their WAY to be fashionable and pretty...and they are both, fat or not.

I won't tell the whole story, but my mother was in the hospital for a pretty serious issue...but people basically just brushed her off.
I don't know if it is intentional or not, but somehow they think "she's fat, who cares if she's having trouble". Why do I know that???, because that is how they act.
My mother had a complication in the hospital and they weren't even going to test to see what was wrong, they were just going to send her home.
Well, I got in the middle of that --my mother ended up staying in the hospital for 10 days, and they got to the bottom of it.
Now, that would not have happened if I had not been there. Period.

Plus, I have seen the way people stare. Once I stared back, and boy did they embarrass themselves.

The reason they are trying to talk you out of it is because they probably don't know that THEY think that way.

It's there, I've seen it first hand. I wish that you were wrong, but you are not. It's there.
At least you are aware of it now.

I never pissed people off they just would come up to me and make these awful comments about my weight.

If you're heavy, their attitude seems to be that if you let yourself "get like that" then you brought your problems upon yourself and don't deserve respect or courtesy or prompt attention or even thorough care.

Even obese. And I'm pretty sure he doesn't tell his overweight patients that it's their fault.

..(and likely will be overweight again at some point)..the fact is, I DID let myself get like that. I ate too much. I ate crappy food. I didn't excercise. It's really that simple. I'm not sure why it's so taboo to say this. Yeah, there are other factors in people's lives that cause them to eat to much, but the fact is that the act of eating and what we eat is something we willingly choose and have control over. When I have overeaten and gained a lot of weight it's been psychologically rooted and connected to how I think about and deal with food. So if I can't control the weight thing without controlling the psychological aspect, then I need to deal with it from a psychological perspective.

When I am overweight and I go to my doctor, he SHOULD tell me I'm overweight and need to do something about it. Just like he should tell me my blood pressure is too high or my cholesterol. Whatever the reasoning behind it, being overweight is not healthy and doctor's jobs are to keep you healthy or get you healthy.

And keep in mind I'm not talking about people who just have a healthy body and may have a few extra pounds. That's normal and not entirely unhealthy. I'm talking about people (like myself) who are or have more than 15-20 lbs. than what is recommended for their ideal body weight for their height. If I'm 6 feet and I'm 190, yeah that's more than the recommended 175 but it's far from unhealthy. But if I'm 210, 220, 230, yeah I'm far too heavy and if I want to be healthy I need to lose weight. And a doctor should tell me that.

....I guess it depends on the person. Personally I needed someone to make me feel bad about it. It's the only thing that snaps me into action regarding my weight. Maybe not everyone needs that though. I'm more speaking from personal experience on the subject. My doctor making me feel bad about it and putting it all in stark terms was really what got me compelled to start losing weight.

Everything from not being willing to look you in the eye to not believing serious complaints.

In my case, I started gaining weight as a teenager, for almost no clear reason, but no doctor believed me enough to look into it properly or ask questions about other issues I was having. It wasn't until ten years later, when I happened to read an article in a magazine, that I managed to self-diagnose myself with a syndrome - which caused the weight problem. After that, I could figure out what doctors I needed to go to to get help, but believe me, it has not been easy to get my body back under control, and most of the time I feel like I'm losing the battle.

It just makes me so mad to know that if doctors had believed me when I was 15, then I would never be in this position now. :grr:

I know what you mean.

I don't think people should judge a person on their looks.

I've been taller than pretty much all my SOs, either gender (I'm 5 9 1/2 - 5'10"). With women it's not really a problem (I dated an uber butch who was way shorter than me and f'ing loved it) but the guys have had serious issues at one point or another. I don't wear heels but I do wear extremely chunky boots (oh hai, im a goff lol) and one guy I dated briefly had the gall to "forbid" me to wear them in his presence. There's a reason that relationship was brief. :P

The problem is despite the whole runway model thing, height in women is not considered "appropriate" or attractive. Women are supposed to be small and dainty. :puke: What I jokingly refer to Amazonian-Americans have a horrible time in this country, we're almost considered freaks. I find it hilariously sad that damn near every model I've ever talked to had a horrible time finding dates, until they became models. It's like for ordinary women being tall is gross but stick the same women on a runway and then all of a sudden it's hot. wtf, fascist beauty standard? wtf, man.

I'm 5'9 and a half ( I round up to 5'10"), so I guess i'm average height, and I've had women reject me for being too short before (this was the actual reason they actually gave to me). Seems a few only want guys over 6'. Fortunately I don't think most women are that shallow. As for the girls who rejected me, it's happened twice. Both girls couldn't have been more than 5'5". But oh yeah, they NEEDED that 6'+ guy. Hahah, whatever.

Mostly, actually, I feel like I get the blow-off from other guys. In fact, it's not uncommon for men over 6' to just walk right into me like I'm not even there.

and has actually had women tell him to his face that they like everything about him except his height. Like what the fuck is he supposed to do about that?

if they are in any way. Rare occasions like this.

nt

He's actually OK with it. Figures it filters out the shallow people.

Myself included. Yeah I have my ideal mate in mind. But I don't for one second think that the person I end up with will meet more than 70% of my criteria. People have to compromise.

}(

5' 9" is average.

Anyway, who cares how tall a person is???

its always seasonal with me, I've always been overweight, but I end up gaining weight in the fall and losing it in the spring. My doctors called it a "metabolic condition" whatever the hell that is. No matter what I try, I can't be "thin", I can slim down a little bit, about a waist size or two, but not by much.

At this point in my life, I just accept it.

:hug:

I don't feel that I was treated poorly at my higher weight. But I did notice a difference with the weight loss. Like being taken more seriously, for lack of a better way to describe it.

I do think self confidence did play some part. I really felt like crap with that extra weight.

My 2 cents, FWIW.

:hi:

I dropped 168lbs and now I'm 'smart, cute, worth talking to and not ignored when I walk by the CEO and HR people at work'

Oh yeah, I'm treated a lot different these days. You know what though? I'm still me. If you didn't like me before you are NOT going to like me now. Yes I'm more confident and that did have a lot to do with the weight loss but it had to be nurtured, it just didn't happen overnight.

:shrug:

I AM just me.


aA

I'm curious what 5'10" and 205 lbs looks like in a guy. My husband is 5'10" and has gained quite a bit of weight over the past 10-15 years - in profile he kinda looks like he's 5 or 6 mos pregnant(only carried a little higher) 'cuz he carries all the fat in his belly. I have no idea how much he weighs, because he's kind of sensitive about it. His eating habits are horrible. I worry about his health, and would kind of like to have a ballpark estimate of what he weighs. Would it be possible for you to PM me, or post here, a photo of what you looked like at 205 (or even some intermediate weight) -- feel free to block out your face to protect your privacy.

I'm 5'8" and about 205, but I don't look a whole lot different than when I weighed 180.... the extra 25 lbs is kind of an all over gain, I think. There is a marked difference between 150 and 180 for me though.

Right now I find that even going a date at my size the guy tends to just want to get laid as if a woman has no right to want anything more than just sex and pity sex at that.

The self confidence issue, I don't think really matters. Many people are just very shallow. I have recently learned something about shallow people in a job I recently left. They are not worth the time it takes to deal with them. They will never be a real friend to you. Some of the best people have a not so perfect exterior but a golden interior. Some of the nastiest meanest people look great on the outside but not good at all on the inside. I'd rather be friends with someone who is not a shallow snob any day of the week.

Keep up the good work on getting your health in check! That's the most important thing. :thumbsup:

i treat myself differently when i am over weight.

i am currently about 6' 1'' and about 225 lbs.

i usually feel like crap when i'm that "big" if you want to call it that.

in February i weighed 210. that 15 lbs is a big difference.

however, now I feel as if i'm more muscular, even though my pants don't fit as well, because my legs are bigger. weight is relative. think proportionally. what is more important to you, being slim and having a low weight, or being heavier and more muscular?

right now, i'm heavier than I was when in february, but i feel more muscular, and as result I have a more positive self image.

take that for what it's worth...

Bodily appearance is not protected by any laws or constitutional amendments. People are free to look at you with pleasure or disgust. To me it says a lot about a person who can belittle others because of their body composition, thinking that only the good-looking athletic types are those with intelligence. Sexual preferences aside it's still hard for anyone of either gender to be thought of as less than a quality mate because of their size.

The medical community, for all its rantings about how the obese (and it's rarely the overweight but the more derogatory term morbidly obese used by many physicians)are costing society millions of dollars each year has done little to help. With any other health condition there's a rush to find a cure, and soothe the victims of the disease. Not so with those suffering from weight issues. It's much easier to blame the victim for their own failings rather than find the cause. If it were as simple as eating less and exercising more life would be complete. But it is not that simple.

Is it any wonder why bariatric surgery is becoming more and more common? Shit, if there's a pill out there that kills the appetite I'd take it along with many others. Tell me what it is and I'll buy it. I've seen doctors themselves tire of fighting the battle of weight, getting a lap-band or gastric bypass.

Being overweight has given me a cynicism about humanity that I don't think I'll ever overcome. If tomorrow I find myself to be 200#, I will still remember how I was treated while being heavy. Even a dog remembers who kicked him.


:rant:

:)

I'm 6 feet even. Until I was about 27 I always weighed 170-175.
After getting married, having kids, stressful jobs, etc. I was 235 lbs. by the time I was 31. I lost most of the weight and got down to a low of 185.
I hovered between there and 200 for a few years, and then this past winter I hit back up at 215.

Got back on the diet bandwagon and now I've been in the 170's again for the past 2-months. And I feel great. I feel great about myself. When I break my diet (mostly on weekends) I gain a few pounds and I really get upset with myself. It affects how I feel and how I act. And there's no doubt people pick up on that.

I used to be thin and quite pretty when I was younger, and I always thought people just liked me for who I was. That illusion was shattered pretty thoroughly after I ended up with a thyroid condition and gained 40 lbs in a couple of months. Suddenly I was like the invisible woman at bars and restaurants, doctors treated me like crap, people were patronizing and assumed I was stupid, the whole bit. It would have actually been an interesting social dynamic if it wasn't so depressing.

And if you really want to see the ugliness inside other people in all of it's disgusting glory, just wait until another fat flamewar thread comes along in GD.

I've been up and down in my weight my whole life, and I notice people tend to be more courteous and attentive when I'm near the lower end. I'm sure at those times I'm feeling better about myself, and people are reacting to that vibe.

The weight also means the difference in small things -- like if someone holds a door open for me or lets it shut in my face. I think those sorts of things are more about people being biased than about my confidence level.

http://abcnews.go.com/Entertainment/story?id=102849&page=1

snip:
In W magazine's Sept. issue, Paltrow says, "The first day I tried on, I was in the Tribeca Grand and I walked through the lobby. It was so sad; it was so disturbing. No one would make eye contact with me because I was obese.

"I was wearing this black shirt with big snowmen on it. For some reason, the fat clothes they make …" Here the 28-year-old Oscar winner stops to correct herself. "The clothes they make for women that are overweight are horrible. I felt humiliated because people were really dismissive."
------------------------

I think it's a combination but I believe the self esteem suffers due to the negative encounters first. As the negative encounters increase, the self esteem lowers.

There have been many, many studies in the social psychology field about what is attractive and not as well as how people are treated. Tall men make more money than short men. Thin people more than fat. Attractive people are rated as more intelligent.

It is who we are. We are made that way. Remember we are still relatively hairless apes with brains that have certain biases built in.

It is up to us to recognize the biases, throw out the illogical ones and treat others with respect. It is called civilization and we need more of it.

I am a shortish guy with average looks. But when I walk down the street with my little tot (8 months old) I notice everybody smiling at me (and her mostly, of course). I figure that is what it must be like to walk down the street while being attractive. Everybody is nice to you.

Overweight people are definitely treated differently in our society, that's just a given, and anyone who says otherwise is talking out of size privilege (something even the best of us are afflicted by at times). Fatphobia is out of control in America, which is really ridiculous considering most people in this country are overweight.

However, that said? I'm sorry hon, but when you look in the mirror and don't like what you see, it tends to show all over you and that is what you project to the world. And that's true no matter what size you are--I had the same problem for a very long time, and admittedly still struggle with it, even though 'm shaped like your average runway model. Granted there are probably a few women who wouldn't give you the time of day because of your previous size (there are plenty of shallow people of both genders around) but confidence is teh sex and you probably radiate it now that you're more at peace with how you look. It's all in how you carry yourself. A lot of heavy people (especially women) do the turtle thing where they retreat into giant, baggy clothes that they get lost in so as to almost "hide" from the world because they hate how they look. Or it shows in their body language--walking with eyes downcast, etc. Most people just aren't going to be attracted to that. OTOH, you've got heavy people who walk with their head held high, and know how to work it, and they just draw people to them.

My girlfriend is a prime example of this. She's short and fairly heavy, but she is gorgeous and knows it, she always has her shit together, and even knows how to rock jeans and a t-shirt. She could stand to lose a bunch of weight for health reasons (she has pain issues and is diabetic among other things), but if it wasn't because of the health problems, I wouldn't want her to lose a ounce. She radiates confidence and people flock to her like a moth to a flame--I seriously don't know anyone else alive that has more friends than she does, she's seriously the most popular person I know. She's never had any trouble whatsoever finding dates, from either gender. I met her online years ago, we've been best friends like forever, but only just hooked up recently. One shallow "friend" of mine warned me that I probably wouldn't be physically attracted to her because of her size (mind you, said "friend" is 5'7" and pushing 200 lbs so she's not exactly model thin herself). When we finally did meet face to face...well let's just say that wasn't a problem at all. :evilgrin:

...and humans' brains are largely given over to the visual cortex. It seems to be an evolutionary adaptation that allows us to recognize instantly the members of our own tribe; keying on others' physical differences may just be a side effect. You can see it in playground taunts and in presidential press conferences; we tend to treat others differently when they look different.

As others have noted, people are judged based on physical appearance. People make assumptions based on physical appearance when you're a stranger, because that's all they have to go on, however right or wrong it may be.

I think there are similar things to do with what clothing you wear, how your hair is cut, etc. I tend to wear really crappy clothes, and never anything dressy at all.... I don't even own a suit. For god's sake, my girlfriend has a mental list of t-shirts that I'm not allowed to wear because they have holes in them or stains.... she's said that she thought I was some weirdo before she knew me, because I wore these old t-shirts with holes in them, etc. I knew it was a real problem when I tried to ask a guy getting off of a bus in LA where the nearest subway stop was, and he immediately assumed that I was a panhandler.... yeah.... mistaken for a hobo.

about being fat.... I don't know... of course women aren't going to pay as much attention to you if you're not attractive to them, and you can't blame someone for that. If someone isn't attracted to some physical attribute, that's their business. I'm not into super skinny girls, or really overweight girls... that's how life goes, I guess. I don't know why I like what I like in terms of attractiveness, but I know what I like.

I know that I certainly had more interest from women when I was thinner, but I'm not surprised by that. I have a lovely girlfriend who loves me for who I am, so I don't think that weight has much to do with my self confidence anymore, but since you mention this in your post, it seems like it must for you, and that's understandable. It's a recursive process: people pay attention to you so you feel good about yourself, so you have more confidence, so more people pay attention to you, etc.

All of that said, I'd be interested to know if you found any effective way to lose weight. Over the past ten or 15 years (late teens and twenties) I've gained 50 - 60 pounds. It used to be easy for me to drop 20 pounds or so and then put it back on, but as I get older it gets harder. I weigh about 200/210 now, and would like to get back to at least 175, like I was in my early 20's, because I know that I would physically feel better, and don't want to wind up with diabetes or joint problems or something.

I am a bit overweight and I find that people I've met before on 2 or 3 occasions don't even remember me. It's like I'm invisible. Lose the weight, you become more visible, ironically.

if you were not a man, but were instead a woman, you would know that "confidence" has fuck-all to do with it

the beautiful neurotic thin model is treated well by society and the emotionally strong and confident fat girl is treated as you describe, like shit, brushed past and ignored, her confidence and her inner beauty is not valued by this society

sure it would be nice if it were otherwise

but you should trust your own observations -- what you have experienced is what you have experienced and no amount of blather about "confidence" has any real meaning -- the truth is what you have experienced, yeah, people are THAT SHALLOW, you are not imagining things and your friends (esp. those who have always been thin) are fucktards for trying to tell you that you haven't observed what you have actually observed

your own self confidence can't actually be seen, tests have shown that people judge others based on appearance -- now that you are thin you are also believed to be more intelligent, more disciplined, more confident -- even though you are the same damn person on the inside

people are that fucking shallow and yes they suck, i was never fat but i had skin disease, same song second verse, people suck and they make assumptions about you based on what they see on the outside

self confidence doesn't come from losing weight or getting better skin, because you still know how people acted when you looked otherwise and you are always afraid of returning to the previous level (your post suggests you are not confident, rather you greatly fear re-gaining the weight) but you are VIEWED as more confident because people make judgments based purely on looks

there is INDEED a huge amt of looks based discrimination out there and don't let anyone tell you different

if i had to make a choice when young between looking normal and being "confident" on the inside, i would choose being able to look normal every goddamn time -- a "confident" ugly person is considered to be a witch and a bitch and is treated with abuse and sometimes violence in this society -- i had no choice but i'll spare you the sad stories about how trying to assert myself as an equal human being resulting in my being treated even worse than if i just let myself be ignored and walked on

a friend of mine who was confident and strong on the inside because she was a beauty queen and had a rich husband when young, acquired diabetes and an uncontrollable weight gain, and became fat -- her confidence was still inside, but people treated her WAY differently and she lost everything including the husband and her contacts through which she was able to make money in sales, i mean she lost everything financially within a few years of losing her looks -- and it wasn't because her brain was suddenly gone, it's because the men and the customers went elsewhere, to the next beauty queen

upstream there's a post about when gwyneth paltrow had to wear the fat suit for "shallow hal" and how she was treated -- do you think paltrow lacks confidence or do you think people are just that shitty and she was experiencing the way fat people are actually treated? i'm pretty sure paltrow is confident in her ability to act and play a part and the dismissive, hurtful treatment she received was purely because she looked fat

take home lesson -- as long as your weight is under your control, control it if you possibly can, because it does make a difference -- and please remember to be kind to the many, many for whom weight or other afflictions can't be effectively controlled (probably the majority)

It's a mix of how people act towards you AND the way one carries him/herself. I definitely was not as confident as I am now.

even if you're 10 lbs overweight and the couch potato is thin.

NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

anyone different than what society deems as acceptable is treated different.

thanks for the heads up captain obvious.

on edit: sorry i snapped. i had a bad day at work.

i had some snot-nosed kid do the point-stare and yell at the top of his lungs "mommy he's really fat" and the mother didn't even try to correct him.

good thing the kid picked up on my killing intent, cause he shut right up and hid behind his mom.

and the shitkicker of it was, they eventually ended up at my register....

god does indeed have a sense of humor.