This is a long poll question

I know this is a bad place to ask for relationship advice but WTF

I'm a straight 40yo male in my second marriage. Have a 13yo daughter with first wife (she voluntarily gave up custody and slinked off to Missouri.) My wife is 30 with an 11yo son. We've been together for 6 years, married for 4.

Recently we got separated. I didn't want her to move, tried to convince her otherwise but there ya go. I have anger problems. Have gone through counseling/anger management class for it. However, what set everything off is something that I believe anyone would be angry about.

She started going out all the time and meeting some dude who is only 3 years older than me. She ended up at his house a few times and crashed on his couch. She says nothing has ever happened or will ever happen. However she did admit that once he leaned forward and kissed her "accidentally".

I just can't accept this. And she will go for hours without communication while she's out, sometimes even till the next morning. For all I know she could have driven drunk and be in jail or dead. Or she could just be staying up all night with this guy. Who friggin' knows.

I've never been a really jealous guy before. But now I am. And she says this is crazy and I should just trust her. She refuses to stop going out to two places that he frequents because she "likes to go there and shouldn't have to stop just because I don't like it."

So to me this is a loyalty issue I'm refusing to give an inch. In fact I'm on the verge of just filing for divorce.

So am I just obsessing too much? Should I just let it go?

I am not a therapist or counselor and make no claim that my insight is any more or less valuable than random hunches.

Couples therapy should be attempted. You 'enabling'? From sparse info provided sounds like you are unsuccessfully trying to keep up with an alcoholic. A 'grownup' out all night all the time? Sure maybe every now and then (superbowl? Election night? It's Friday?) but the college years are long gone. Good luck--

The out of communication thing is totally scary.

His wife stuck to the story that nothing had or ever would happen and continued to see the guy. It went on for almost two years before my friend filed for divorce. She is now married to the other guy.

Crashing on his couch? Drinking all the time with some guy she just met? Even if she hasn't done anything THIS IS NOT OK!

Unless this guy is her brother, or they've known each other since they were three, this is some BS she is pulling on you.
You need to make this clear to her that it's ok to have friends, but you are married now and frankly that means you can not behave like a single 18 year old on the prowl for good time and sex. If she can't deal with that, DIVORCE HER and find someone who can be happy and you can be happy with being the center of each others lives.

YOU DESERVE NOTHING LESS and don't let her convince you otherwise.

let her go.

sorry. You deserve better. :hug:

there's something fundamentally wrong with your relationship if she goes out and doesn't come home or communicate to you where she is.

That's inconsiderate.

I'm all for people having their own night out, but she should go out, and then come home.

She is in essence having an affair with the other guy. She is spending "primary relationship" kind of time with him and not with you. If I were you, I would attempt to get into couples counseling with her. If she is unwilling, then you have your answer.

:hug:

She either has or is seriously thinking about cheating on you with this guy. Since she says she hasn't, she may not be able to admit it openly that that is what she wants now.

EIther way, she is investing most of her time in this guy and not your relationship. Oftentimes, in the moment, starting something new with someone else seems easier than working it out with the present partner.

This is doubly messy since you have children to consider. It is very rude of her to be incommunicado for significant periods of time. That's a definite no no in my book. Miss Millie is right; have a night on the town with your friends, but you do have to go home at the end of the night.

Since you said you have anger mgmt issues, there might be some fear of you on her part. I don't know if that's true, and feel free to tell me to stuff it if it's not, but please don't underestimate that. It is what drove me away from my marriage, though I did not cheat. I left before that happened. But I'll be honest, if given the opportunity, I might have reached for comfort at that time.

Did all of this happen before or after you were separated? I am just asking because your verb tense has changed between past and present throughout your post.

Then I got very angry (threw a bunch of her stuff out on the lawn, including all her jewelry projects) and she decided to move out. She had already said she was probably going to move out before that happened though because I got angry in front of her son. But when I asked if she wanted to go out and she said "I promised M----" then I lost it. What does she expect?

Now she is still going out at least twice a week and usually the guy is there. I am not stalking her, but I know her, and when the text messages stop for 5+ hours at a time on certain days I know what's up. And once in awhile if I'm out and about anyway I'll stop by to see if I'm right and I always am.

-------

Here's our text messages from last night:

Her -

How about if me and you actually talk instead of text. All you'll do is text. You won't communicate. And you always are on the computer. But I love you! I really do. I miss you.

Me -

Like when?

Her -

Tomorrow. You make a list. I'll make a list. I know how ya like lists and all. And we can meet for dinner and talk about how we feel about what each of our lists say. Cause I don't want to just give up! Cause you know as well as everyone elsec and me, that you and I are soul mates! We are!

Me -

I don't wanna make a list. And anyway, there's really only one thing on my list and you know what it is.

Her -

Well, I don't know what to say. I don't understand your weirdness about it. I just don't. You never cared before. The two places I feel comfortable going, I can't go anymore? And if I do, you pollute my car with mud?

(I was a bit toasty the night before and threw mud all over her car at 4am when it was clear she wasn't coming back to pick it up and I had no idea where she was or who she was with.)

Me -

You see? We really don't have anything to talk about.

preferably start on a no-fault Friday. There is plenty of blame to go around the two way street. Is life too short?