Help... advice needed

Oh man... this has been so tough.

My mom adopted a german shepherd dog about 3 1/2 years ago. I was with her, she wanted to get a purebred puppy, but I encouraged adoption from a rescue (our 3 dogs and cat are rescued). Her dog had to be euthanized 6 months prior (cancer and he was in pain) and she was ready to share love with a furry baby again. At the time she was married, but not happily and he was not a dog person.

The rescue dog she adopted


seen here at our house


Durango - was rescued because he was a fence jumper - kept getting loose and finally the family gave him up. He was 6mos at the time, and when we went to pick him up from the breed rescue he hopped off the deck over one of the fences (smart rescue woman had a back up fence) to greet us.

About 13 yrs ago my mom had major surgeries - she had several brain aneurysms and nearly died (more than once), years of complications and surgeries wrecked havoc on my mom's health. She developed ulcerative colitis, (which causes the slightest bump to become a huge bruise) and other stuff. I mention this because my mom is very thin (IMO) 5'7, 120 lbs woman with very little muscle and she adopted a 6 mo old force of nature. I did my best to remind her at the time of adoption that he has gonna be a handful... blah blah she fell in love and ignored me (well hell - he is a cutie)

Fast forward - my mom has taken him to puppy classes (I attended with her with one of my own dogs, who was 4 yrs old at the time and confused as to why suddenly she needed training...lol), he was difficult to train - young, rambunctious, and my mom and her husband were both inconsistent with training. Later on my mom divorced hubby and has been alone with the dog for the last 2 1/2 yrs. My hubby and I live a half hour away and have often visited mom and Durango. We brought our dogs to play with him and help socialize him. Well last year, Durango got away from my mom when she was walking him (dragged her down and escaped) and that has really shook her self confidence - once he knew he could escape, walking him became impossible for my mom - he just dragged her around. He also jumped the backyard fence and my mom was becoming upset. Finally she decided last summer to send him to "camp" for 2 weeks - they advertised a "changed dog" and to cure bad behaviors.

Now, I warned my mom that this was a huge waste of money because all that the camp would do would be to show that he could listen to the trainers - the camp does no good if my mom wasn't a part of it. But the selling point for my mom was that after camp, if there were still issues, they would make housecalls.

Needless to say...my mom did not follow through on her end and...sigh. So then she started talking about getting rid of the dog (returning him to the rescue). I will be honest - this broke me and hubby's hearts...we had grown very attached and it really isn't the dog's fault. Hubby and I talked at length - we wanted to be supportive of my mom, but we couldn't bear to see him go. In Oct last year I lost my job (bastards!) and on a visit to my mom's house, Durango got loose and my mom just broke down. We offered to take him for a visit to our house for a week to give her time to think about her options.

Thus has begun the most bittersweet year of our lives - we keep Durango for a time, return him to my mom, she asks us to take him, we do and each time the visits get longer. She plunked down another 400 bucks for a dog trainer to come to her home and help her... but my mom has a hard time realizing that the problem is her, not the dog. He is clearly the alpha and she doesn't take control. Because of his size and strength, and my mom's health - she really can't.

Since my mom is alone and works all day (takes a van pool which adds to her commute time) he is in his kennel for 12 hours a day. At our house, I am still unemployed and we have a pack of 3 dogs and a cat so he has company all the time. We cannot keep him -
we rent, and we are already over the legal limit of pets for our city (max 3 pets - we thought it was max of 3 dogs, and you could have a couple of cats).


My mom and I have a very dysfunctional relationship (we are more like sisters, and a lot of role reversal growing up), and this is adding to it. We have Durango now, but I want him to go back to her house for awhile:
1. We have a narc on our street who is on the city council who keeps asking us if we got another dog
2. Our eldest dog is 13, has health issues, and Durango's rambunctious nature can be a strain on her
3. "My" dog (hubby has a dog he adopted before we met, I have a dog that we adopted as a puppy, that I got custody of when we briefly broke up, we adopted the 3rd one after we were married) is having some serious jealousy issues and is getting cranky and aggressive - he is 11 so all he wants right now is to be momma's baby

My mom is reluctant to take him back - even for a week, and instead says she will just give him up. Or, because she knows that pet limit is an issue and our eldest is poor health, she asks "how many days does she have left?" or "so when are you putting her down so you have room for my dog?" NO I am not exagerating on this.... and when I call her on it, she says oh you know I am not serious.


Last night my mom cried on the phone about how the Durango is happier with us (well that's true cause he has company all day) and we need to keep him because she wants what is best for him. Or that she will give him up. This breaks our hearts and perhaps we are selfish. I just can't bear to have him think he is unwanted and have him go to another home. We love him to pieces and eventually we know that when one of our pets passes away, after we grieve we would be able to take him in permanently.

My mom has said that I should drive up several times a week (30 miles one way) to help her work him him and train him so she can keep him. Yes, she paid to have an in-home trainer but she said since she hasn't been able to do her 'homework' she doesn't want to call the trainer. Of course I know part of this is my mom wants to see me, and honestly I can't do it. I cannot take the emotional toll visits with my mom take on me. I have to call her at least 2x a day (which I do), and visit often (which I don't - maybe once a month). Every conversation or visit usually results in me crying to my husband the rest of the day.

Having my mom give him up is not an option anymore to my husband and I - we have both bonded with him so much that we would rather risk eviction. I think my mom likes that idea cuz then we would have to move in with her (at least until we find another home).

So I guess I just needed to vent, and need some moral support. We are going to visit my mom today...sigh.

I'm so sorry...the relationship with mom sounds trying enough...and Durango is making it more so.
I have no words of wisdom...I can only give you this:hug:
I'm searching for a rescue dog, so your situation really touched me....
I'm a burden on my adult children at times, and I appreciate all that they do for me. I know your mother must see you as her lifeline...and you are. Please know that you're being a wonderful and caring daughter..I truly admire your spirit.....

Wishing you happiness and peace of mind.....

peace~

and petfinder.com is an awesome start for rescued pets

:hug:

They would keep him and feed him and you would pay for the food and take him home on weekends. Granted he's a beauty and German shepherd is a popular breed (and granted that shelters aren't in the kenneling business) but I think you can make them understand that you're between a rock and a hard place with regard to both your situation with your mom and the statutory limit on pets and also that at some point relatively soon you'll be able to take him back permanently. Also if you have any free time at all, you could volunteer at the shelter, which they would appreciate and which would also give you the chance to spend even more time with Durango. At least here in the backwoods, the no-kill shelter has trouble adopting out adult dogs even leaving aside rambunctiousness and fence-jumping and they are pleased when people are willing to take them for a weekend to keep them socialized. Anyway, here's a list, though I'm sure you know about them already: http://www.nokillnetwork.org/d/Minnesota

I can only give out feelings...you can actually give out useful information.
I'm starting to think my personality type is actually a personality disorder...INFP:-(

Here's to you and all those with rational thinking abilities.
:toast:

peace~

You keep Durango and she gets one or two easier to control doggy companions of her choice.

really just wants to lay around and be loved - and she really loves my mom. But my mom has refused.

all of our pets are spayed/neutered

2 abusive owners, 1 (a friend) who rescued her before she could be dumped at the pound again, and then kept her for me for almost two years before I had a place for her.

If Durango can be matched up with the right person (will follow through on training/knows how to train), he will still be happy and feel loved.

Trust me on this. They know when they have it good.

When I work with him and train him, he listens - he is very trainable, however it depends on the trainer as I am sure you know.

When he has a firm, consistent trainer - he is happy and eager to learn. My mom is not very good at consistency nor is she firm. Part is her nature, part is her health.

I have walked all four dogs at the same time often (before the eldest had difficulty walking) and they are all well behaved. But all the training in the world doesn't help when he returns to my mom.

He does have it good when he is with us - which is now for weeks at a time - sleeps with my hubby at night, is played with, has his pool in the backyard and he plays with all of our pets. The pack plays, sleeps, eats together, train together and separately.

Right now its difficult as one dog is nearing the end of her life - he leaves her alone (as far as not trying to play too rough with her) but the house is definitely louder with the younger dog and you can tell she has days where she wants to be alone. Yet we have ample room to be alone, however as alpha dog she loves to be in the center of it all.

This is what makes it hard at our house - 2 aging dogs and 2 younger dogs and a cat - lots of love but a time of transition that is hard on all of us

I seriously don't understand that, and I'm a dog person.

Poor Durango isn't cut out to be a housepet. It's that simple. Your Mom has, it would seem, a whole set of passive-aggressive games she's playing, and having Durango as a vehicle seems to be working. Your anguish is palpable.

The dog deserves a better life than either you or your Mom can give him. He needs time and attention and space to fun and the back-and-forth is just whistling past the graveyard.

Someone suggested finding a human rescue organization. That makes sense to me. The dog's not in a good situation with your pets, and your Mother can't take care of him.

Give the pup a break - give him to an organization that can get him a better deal.

Good luck.

This dog (all our dogs) is lavished with love and attention. I spend hours a day(yes hours) playing and training each one and together as a pack. From the picture you can see he is playing in his swimming pool this summer.

They all sleep with us (hubby and I sleep in different rooms because of his sleep apnea and my insomnia) so we both have dogs on our beds (hubby sleeps exclusively with Durango).

I cook special meals and treats often for the dogs and cat, we take walks, hubby spends his own time when he gets home with each dog.

Durango is not shuffled back and forth - we have him for weeks at a time, then he stays with my mom - lately the time with her is shortened while the time with us is lengthened.

Our multipet home is in transition with the two aging dogs, there is some pack reorganizing going on (as far as pack order and rank)and that is where much of the jealousy issues arise. 99% of the time, all the dogs and cat sleep, eat, and play together.... every now and then there is some scuffling, dominance is asserted and they literally lick and make up.

When I say we risk eviction - it is a calculated risk - we know where we would go - we would stay with my mom who has a 2 story house. We have discussed the option of my mom co-signing a loan so the 3 of us (my mom, hubby and me) can all live together - for the pets and for my mom's health. My selfishness regarding my mental health is keeping us from taking that step.

My husband and I are also volunteer humane agents, so we DO NOT take our responsibilities lightly. Durango is so incredibly happy and has so much fun with us, it breaks our heart whenever we return him. My mom cries for days when she lets him come stay with us

we love him - if he wasn't happy, then I would feel better about having him go to another family. But he loves being part of a pack, you can see it in everything he does, and if it were not for the city limit, we would not even hesitate.

I'm glad things are going so well for you and Durango. I must have misunderstood your original post.

I wish you all continued good luck.

it was decided he stays with us (physical custody) but she help pay for his care and any medical bills. We will have weekend day visits so she can play with him and see him, she retains legal custody as far as we tell our nosy neighbors we are caring for him while my mom has health issues, his dog license is still with her residence.

My frustration has been that we first started taking him to socialize him better with our dogs (because he would get so excited and try to jump the fence when he saw other dogs), which led to my mom's paying for trainers, but never following through. She keeps thinking if she sends him away, magic will happen, and he will listen to her. Then he will bump her or get his leash wrapped around her and (because of her health) she will get huge swellings and bruises, so we take him while she heals.

This has been escalating within the past few months leading to us having him longer and longer, and when we return him she calls and threatens to give him up. So he hasn't been shuttled very much but its hard because we want him, he wants us.