My friend has disappeared. Again.

I'm very frustrated with an old friend of mine and I'm not sure what to do.

I've been friends with D for over 20 years - we met in high school. We've been thru a lot together. She's been thru a lot PERIOD. She lost a child at 5 months from SIDS. I got divorced that same year (96) and we were roommates. A couple of years later she married that baby's dad, but it's been rocky. Then her dad died suddenly. Then her mom got cancer. Then she split from hubby for the 1st time. Then I got married. Then she reunited with husband. This is getting long...

Anyway, when I got pregnant in 04 - she couldn't deal and pretty much blew me off for months. I tried to be understanding. She and hubby split again, but never filed for divorce. In 06 when I had baby #2 - she disappeared for months. I mean I didn't know where she was, couldn't reach her by phone etc. Finally, I mailed something to her mom's house and found out she'd been telling them she was living with my family. Eventually I found out she had some kind of breakdown, but the details were sketchy. After that she went to school for awhile and lived near me. We tried to help her out and make sure she had what she needed etc. Last year her mom died and that was very hard.

A few months ago she decided she had to move. She's barely worked at all for several years and had only a small job working a few hours a week. I tried to tell her she should try to stay close to us or move near her sister so she had help and free meals close by, but she moved about 40 minutes from both of us. About 2 months ago, she came on a Friday (we used to have a regular get together that night.) and I haven't seen her or heard from her since. I'm worried about her and tried to call her sister who has not returned my calls. (Sister is losing her house and has her own problems.) I don't want to call her astranged hubby because his family just had a tragedy and I don't want to add any grief. Eventually, she'll turn up, but right now I'm torn between worrying about her and being ANGRY that she's doing this AGAIN. I love her and she's like family to me, but I feel like I have never and will never be able to count on her. I want to be there for her as a friend, but this disappearing act has gotten old and I'm hurt and upset that she falls of the face of the earth whenever she wants, but when she feels better she'll turn up again at my house and I'm supposed to accept it. I can't imagine locking my friends out of my life this way.

Sorry, just wanted to vent! Thanks for reading if you made it thru this looooong story!

But I'm going to keep this one short. Have you ever expressed these feelings to your friend? If you haven't, next time she shows up tell her that you wish she'd stay in contact with you when she's off doing the mysterious things that she does sometimes. Just a phone call on a Friday night would be wonderful. Tell her you worry about her and that it makes you upset when you don't hear from her for a long time. She might not know that she is affecting you in that way.

I don't usually post so long. LOL

I don't think I've ever expressed how I feel in that much detail. By the time she turns up she's usually apologetic to some extent. I mean, 2 year ago when she turned up again I was recovering from a c-section and had a 1 month old! I wasn't in any condition to confront her.

I will talk to her if/when she turns up. It's just sad because it feels like a slap in the face when someone you care about like family just disappears. I feel like she's being selfish and then I feel bad because maybe she's not doing well mentally or emotionally. I guess I'm tired of feeling like this.

Accepting that you can't count on her is probably for the best. I have friends like that too. Unfortunately it means that some of the closeness disappeared over time even though they will always be dear to me.

:hug:

It's hard to imagine not being friends since we've known each other since we were kids, but I understand what you're saying. It's tough too because I have 2 little boys that love her and ask about her.

Thanks for the hug!

Which is likely going untreated if she is barely employed.

My guess is that she drops out of your life for the combined reasons of jealousy over the things you have that she doesn't (child, stability, coping tools, etc.) and the fear/guilt that she would be burdening you with her problems if she stayed active in your life, as well as possible embarrassment over her issues.

I'm with Droopy, I think you should tell her, in a positive and supportive and detailed way, exactly how her behavior makes you feel. Believe it or not she may not have a clue. I have a hunch though that it may take some repetition to get your message - that you love her just the way she is and that your life is richer when you have her in it - to really sink in.

Maybe you could also look into getting her a psych eval and assistance from a free clinic. If she is willing, and she might be with your support and encouragement. That may work wonders in terms of getting her back on track again.

BTW I think it is wonderful that you are such a good, strong friend. You are probably the best thing she has going for her in her entire life. Thank you for not giving up on her.

Good luck!

I agree that she may have a mental or emotional disorder. As I said, 2 years ago when she disappeared she had some kind of breakdown and was getting treatment. Although she never really talked in any detail about what happened or her specific problem. She sometimes lies to cover up things. You're also right on about the jealousy. She doesn't express it about my life specifically, but she's jealous of other people and often bitter that some people have it too easy.

I will try to talk to her about it when she reappears. I'm trying to be a good friend since she's not someone I could just write off.

Thanks again!

My ex-wife is "flighty" like that with her friends - she is battling depression and anxiety, and when she's feeling good she is very social and feeds off of other people's energy. However, when she is not doing so good, she does not like to be around people, especially people who have good things going on in their lives which she has a hard time getting excited about or relating to. She has a 'best friend' who badgers her about 'not calling' or if plans fall through, and all this ends up doing is feeding into her anxiety and guilt over being a bad friend, so it makes her stay away that much more. Eventually she tries to repair the damage and reaches out again. But it's like a viscious cycle sometimes.

I can truly understand why you are frustrated with feeling like a yo-yo, but you cannot be impatient with someone who is not going to always be around and get excited for you whenever good things are happening in your life. Your friend probably puts on a good face when she's not feeling so good inside, and that is a lot of hard work for her too. It is not easy to get someone like that to open up to you, putting on that face is so automatic for her that sometimes I bet she doesn't realize she's doing it. If you want to help this friend of yours, you are going to sacrifice any gain you may get from the friendship for awhile and focus on helping her and talking to her about her issues, when she does resurface. Try to be as flexible and selfless as possible, make noncommittal plans, or just call her and let her know you're thinking about her, and you'll talk to her soon (don't demand or expect a return call, things like that).

Keep in mind i'm making a quick judgment here based on something I'm seeing in my own life, and I don't really know enough about you or your friend's situation to determine if it's the same scenario, so don't feel bad if I'm not making sense to you, good luck with this person, and thanks for trying, I know it's not easy!

I am trying to be patient. She has had anxiety attacks before and I can only imagine what losing a child does to a person.

For the most part, my life is pretty good and I try to stay positive. I think it's hardest with her when things in my own life are challenging and it would be nice to have her to talk to. I mean, that's when we need our friends the most!

I hope she snaps out of it soon and that I can be happy to hear from her.