Thoughts About Dogs

"All knowledge, the totality of all questions and answers, is contained in the dog." - Franz Kafka

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies." - Gene Hill

"Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend." - Corey Ford

"Children and dogs are as necessary to the welfare of the country as Wall Street and the railroads." - Harry S Truman

"Keep running after a dog and he will never bite you." - Francois Rabelais

"Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?" - Steve Bluestone

"A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of." - Ogden Nash

"Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes." - Lewis Grizzard

"Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative." - Mordecai Siegal

"In the beginning, God created man, but seeing him so feeble, he gave him the dog." - Toussenel

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear." - Dave Barry

"A watchdog is a dog kept to guard your home, usually by sleeping where a burglar would awaken the household by falling over him." - Unknown

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." - James Thurber

"Dog. A kind of additional or subsidiary deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship." - Ambrose Bierce

"There are three faithful friends--an old wife, an old dog and ready money." - Ben Franklin

"They say the dog is man's best friend. I don't believe that. How many of your friends have you neutered?" - Larry Reeb

"In dog years, I'm dead." - Unknown

"They are better than human beings, because they know but do not tell." - Emily Dickenson

"The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor." - Margot Kaufman

"The more I see of the depressing stature of people, the more I admire my dogs." - Alphonse de Lamartine

"The other day I saw two dogs walk over to a parking meter. One says to the other, 'How do you like that? Pay toilets!'" - Dave Starr

"No matter how little money and how few possessions you own, having a dog makes you rich." - Louis Sabin

"I like driving around with my two dogs, especially on the freeways. I make them wear little hats so I can use the carpool lanes." - Monica Piper

"You never realize a dog is a man’s best friend until you start betting on horses." - Unknown

"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with pets." - Nora Ephron

"My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, 'Woof!' The other replies, 'Moo!' The dog is perplexed. 'Moo? Why did you say, 'Moo'?' The other dog says, 'I'm trying to learn a foreign language.'" - Morey Amsterdam

"The dog's kennel is not the place to keep a sausage." - Danish Proverb

"A man bitten by a dog, whether the animal is mad or not, is apt to get mad himself." - George D. Prentice

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." - Dereke Bruce

"A dog is the only thing on Earth that loves you more than he loves himself." - Josh Billings

"Never judge a dog's pedigree by the kind of books he does not chew." - Unknown

"In order to really enjoy a dog, one doesn't merely try to train him to be semihuman. The point of it is to open oneself to the possibility of becoming partly a dog." - Edward Hoagland

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Unknown

"A dog is not 'almost human,' and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such." - John Holmes

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs." - Aldous Huxley

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." - Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." - Sue Murphy

"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves." - August Strindberg

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." - Unknown

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." - Fran Lebowitz

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" - Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." - Rita Rudner

"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant." - Unknown

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7 in dog money." - Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." - Ann Landers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." - Robert A. Heinlein

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." - Ben Williams

"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." - Edward Abbey

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it." - Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does." - Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be." - Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." - Andrew A. Rooney

"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion." - Unknown

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." - Mark Twain

"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane." - Smiley Blanton

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts." - John Steinbeck

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Add your own!

You are obviously a dog lover.

I love them too.

Best pet I ever.

Among God's creatures two, the dog and the guitar, have taken all the sizes and all the shapes, in order not be separated from the man.

Segovia, Andres

From a search of my friend Kevin Barkes's quote database:

A dog who thinks he is a man's best friend is a dog who obviously has never met a tax lawyer.
Lebowitz, Fran

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.
Nash, Ogden

A dog's life is a good life. If you're a dog.
Unattributed

Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than a wet dog.
Unattributed

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.
(Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London)
Unattributed

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.
Jones, Franklin P.

Before you beat the dog, learn the name of his master.
(Chinese Proverb)
Unattributed

Breaks balance out. The sun don't shine on the same ol' dog's ass every day.
Royal, Darrell

But in modern war...you will die like a dog for no good reason.
Hemingway, Ernest

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring. It was peace.
Kundera, Milan

From a dog's point of view his master is an elongated and abnormally cunning dog.
Robinson, Mabel L.

God will prepare everything for our perfect happiness in heaven, and if it takes my dog being there, I believe he'll be there.
Graham, Rev. Billy

He possessed beauty without vanity, strength without insolence; courage without ferocity; and all the virtues of man without his vices.
Gordon, George (aka Lord Byron; epitaph for his dog)

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.
Twain, Mark (Samuel Clemens)

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
Larson, Doug

I care not for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
Lincoln, Abraham

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.
Rogers, Will

I wish I could be the person my dog thinks I am.
Unattributed

If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience.
Wilson, Woodrow

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.
Lebowitz, Fran

If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman's pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.
Shaw, George Bernard

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Unattributed

If you need a friend, get a dog.
(From the film Wall Street)
Weiser, Stanley and Stone, Oliver

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.
Truman, Harry S

If you want sex, have an affair. If you want a relationship, buy a dog.
Burchill, Julie

Many years ago when an adored dog died, a great friend, a bishop, said to me, "You must always remember that, as far as the Bible is concerned, God only threw the humans out of Paradise."
Foyle, Bruce

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rudner, Rita

Never ask your dog to watch your food.
Unattributed

Sentimental irony is a dog that bays at the moon while pissing on graves.
Kraus, Karl

Sharpei diem: seize the wrinkled dog.
Unattributed

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.
Twain, Mark (Samuel Clemens)

The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic.
Beecher, Henry Ward

The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.
Bennis, Warren

The fidelity of a Dog is a precious gift, demanding no less binding moral responsibilities than the friendship of a Human Being. The bond with a True Dog is as lasting as the ties of this Earth will ever be.
Lorenz, Konrad

We are alone, absolutely alone on this chance planet: and, amid all the forms of life that surround us, not one, excepting the dog, has made an alliance with us.
Maeterlinck, Maurice

When a dog barks at the moon, then it is religion; but when he barks at strangers, it is patriotism!
Jordan, David Starr

"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."

Should be credited to Texas Bix Bender, from his book Don't Squat with Yer Spurs On!: A Cowboy's Guide to Life

really good stuff