Teenage Girl Attempts Suicide After Seeing the Movie, Twilight!

Freehold, Iowa - A Christian mother in the Landover Baptist Community was left absolutely devastated this weekend, and her teenage daughter is under 24-hour suicide watch at the Landover Hospital for the Saved. All of these terrible things happened because a naughty little teenage girl refused to listen her parents and ran off with her friends to see the terrible, hateful, anti-Christian film, Twilight.

Mrs. Jean Reynolds and her husband, Larry were sitting in the living room with the lights turned off when their daughter, Cindy May arrived home 15-minutes after curfew last Saturday night. "She took off her Veggie Tales™ sneakers at the door and tippy-toed quietly into the living room," said her mother. "When we heard her approach, my husband, Larry, snapped on the lights and yelled, 'Cindy May! Where in the sweet name of Jesus have you been, you little liar! It's 8:15!' Well, Cindy May was just so shocked, she started weeping uncontrollably. The Holy Ghost convicted her right there on the living room floor!" continued Mrs. Reynolds. "She ran up to her daddy, threw her arms around him and confessed, 'I didn't go to Bible study, Daddy! I didn't! My friend Martha, from our Special Educations class tricked me and made me see the movie, Twilight with her unsaved friends!'"

"Larry Reynolds looked his daughter in the eye," Pastor Deacon Fred told the congregation on Sunday morning. "He grabbed her by the hair, dragged her to the basement door and threw her down the steps. 'I'll deal with you in a minute, you rebellious, ugly little whore!' he yelled, and then slammed the door." Pastor Deacon Fred paused for a moment from behind the pulpit, and looked out over the congregation with a tear forming in his eye. Then he asked the question. "Is this the sort of behavior we tolerate in our Christian homes?" The congregation unanimously responded "NO!"

"Mr. Reynolds spanked his ugly teenage daughter over her naked hind side with a King James Bible until she stopped crying, and the only words that came out of her lips before she lost consciousness were, 'I'm sorry, Daddy - I'm sorry I let you down. May Jesus forgive me.'" said Pastor. "Her Godly parents waited two hours for Cindy to think about what she had done to embarrass the family before they called the police. When authorities finally arrived, they found little Cindy had managed to break both of her legs and was in a state of shock. Her bottom was so sore, she couldn't sit down. Jean and Larry Reynolds were both in tears, holding each other in the living room. Cindy was taken to the Trauma Ward at the Landover Hospital for the Saved and her parents were taken to church authorities for questioning and prayer.

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/2008/december/twilight.html

Are you trying to turn me on?


Mr. Reynolds spanked his ugly teenage daughter over her naked hind side with a King James Bible until she stopped crying, and the only words that came out of her lips before she lost consciousness were, 'I'm sorry, Daddy - I'm sorry I let you down.

And after the spanking, the oral sex!"

I knew this was going to be good. LOL

I can imagine what kind of bizarre treatment that entails... :scared:



Is this an Onion piece?

... "hospital for the damned", but somehow no less creepy.

:rofl: ah yes, holidays put one in that kind of mood. Or it could be all the Robyn Hitchcock and wiggy Britpop I've been imbibing as I bake yet another holiday pie!


cool screen-name by the way...

If so....then that father should be thrown in jail for abuse. Pure and simple.


:cry:

Landover Baptist is a well-known parody site.

unfortunately, it's kind of believable.

:hi:

:hi: happy T-Day to come, spinbaby

Thank you Landover Baptist :rofl: :thumbsup:

:hug:

Which I guess is not all that surprising.

But this one seems to me to be a little over the top, no?

but never one that bad!