Who instigated the war on Christmas?

Several converging lines of evidence implicate one of America's founding fathers.

The war on Christmas isn't an isolated event. It is one element in a pattern of modern catastrophes that can be understood only when we see the whole. We therefore need to begin with the Russian Revolution. It can scarcely be doubted that bleeding all over people is not the best way to become popular. The Czar's bleeding disorder made the Czar unpopular, and it is obvious that the root cause of the disorder lay deep in the family tree of the Czar. The only question is: who damaged the tree? Historical research reveals that a tree was not merely damaged, but actually chopped down. The man who wielded the axe was George Washington. We are ready to move on to the next question.

What caused the housing crisis? When generations of American students are led to believe that they can become popular and powerful simply by chopping down a tree and accepting blame, it is inevitable that a large number of trees will be chopped down. Naturally, houses are built from the wood, but who will buy the houses? To sell them, sub-prime mortgages are needed. It's no surprise when people who cannot afford a regular mortgage find themselves in financial trouble. The housing crisis could have been foreseen as soon as George Washington started chopping down trees.

James 2:10
For whosoever shall keep the whole law, and yet offend in one point, he is guilty of all.

To chop down one tree is to be guilty of chopping down all trees. In fact, a person who chops down one tree is guilty of launching an attack upon treeness itself. Now, it is well known that the fundamental essence of Christmas is neither one nor two. It is in fact tree. Anyone who is familiar with the Holy Trinity will immediately recognize the correctness of this deduction. The conclusion is inescapable: the war on Christmas was instigated by George Washington.