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Do you have a problem with an SO / potential SO having lots of friends of the opposite sex?

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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:13 PM
Original message
Do you have a problem with an SO / potential SO having lots of friends of the opposite sex?
... or the same sex, for gay singles/couples?

I just read a post where someone speaks for all men and says that no matter what guys say, in reality all men don't like it when women have lots of guy friends, it's a huge red flag, etc.

I dunno about anybody else, but most guys I've dated have had lots of friends of both genders... and it's never really been a problem for me.

:shrug:
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taterguy Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:14 PM
Response to Original message
1. Not a bit
We trust each other completely
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Withywindle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:15 PM
Response to Original message
2. Oh hell no.
I won't date a man who DOESN'T have female friends - that's a red flag to me that doesn't know how to relate to women as PEOPLE, not just as sex partners.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:26 PM
Response to Reply #2
4. I don't recall ever hearing a woman say anything like that...
that it was a red flag if a guy had a lot of female friends.

Maybe it's a guy thing? :shrug:
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Withywindle Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:37 PM
Response to Reply #4
14. One of my best friends (male)....
was the only man in attendance at his own bachelor party. :D

His wife was fine with it. No reason for her not to be - we just ate dim sun, played video games, and danced all night to an Afrobeat band. :shrug:
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mcctatas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:20 PM
Response to Original message
3. Probably one of the reasons he is the "soon to be ex"
I have always gotten along better with men than with women and he always had snide comments about me haning out with my "boys" (of course he would never come when invited). His big reasoning was that even if my intentions were innocent, no man can be friends with a woman and not eventually try to get her into bed (I think this speaks more to his issues than anyone elses). Of course some male friends do push the friend envelope, but they are the exception and not the rule.

:rant:
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unpossibles Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:26 PM
Response to Original message
5. hells no!
It's not up to me to determine or define anyone else's friendships, nor do I appreciate it when others try to do it to me, other than as a simple warning that so-and-so is a triflin jerk liar, and even then I take it with a grain of salt.
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Symarip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:28 PM
Response to Original message
6. I'm 50/50
Edited on Thu Dec-18-08 12:29 PM by Symarip
I've never seen a platonic relationship between a man and a woman that hasn't ended in either sex (!) or with one having to retire the relationship due to mixed feelings. With the latter, it's usually been the guy having to throw in the towel.

That all being said, just because someone feels sexual tension with another person, doesn't mean they're going to act on it.

... Unless you're my ex-wife.
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mcctatas Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:31 PM
Response to Reply #6
7. But you aren't bitter...
;)
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Symarip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:33 PM
Response to Reply #7
9. Not one bit :)
I've seen myspace pictures. Her and her new man are having a whale of a time.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:33 PM
Response to Reply #6
10. Exactly... I've had that mutual attraction thing with friends before...
but even when I haven't been in a relationship, it usually wasn't acted on.

I don't see what the big deal is. :shrug:
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Symarip Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:35 PM
Response to Reply #10
12. Well...
Those who are jealous I would imagine have first hand experience in sipping water from different wells.
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Javaman Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:31 PM
Response to Original message
8. Not at all. And furthermore, I find jealousy extraordinarily boorish.
I dated a woman years ago that would get pissed off because I would never get jealous. I finally told her, "you can have all the friends you want, and if you find someone else, I'll be sad, but not jealous". She got pissed and broke up with me. LOL go figure?
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:34 PM
Response to Reply #8
11. Oh I'm *very* jealous.
But I recognize that as the petty, stupid thing it is.

I still feel it though. You bet your sweet bippy I do. :D
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insanity Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:37 PM
Response to Original message
13. As with everything, it depends on circumstances
Personally, I am a bit bothered by on of my gf's guy friends. At the same time, I know one of my girl friends really bothers my gf because she pushes the friendship envelope some times.

I would not know if jealousy is the right word because we are both secure in our thing... its more looking the other way towards overt flirtation in the name of friendship that makes me angry.
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:44 PM
Response to Reply #13
15. I think it's just human nature.
Edited on Thu Dec-18-08 12:44 PM by redqueen
Just MHO.
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MrCoffee Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:45 PM
Response to Original message
16. The biggest fight MrsCoffee and I ever had was over my friendship with a girl
I still have no idea what that was all about.
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AirmensMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 12:53 PM
Response to Original message
17. I can only say
that billyskank is one of my best friends and harleydad doesn't have a problem with it at all. :shrug:



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NYC_SKP Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 01:18 PM
Response to Original message
18. Nope, My next SO might be among them!!!
I think outside the box.

Oh No I didn't just type that!

:hide:
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Rabrrrrrr Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 01:20 PM
Response to Original message
19. Not at all. I'd be suspect if she didn't have any male friends.
Having a problem with it is a sign of utter lack of trust and/or self-esteem.
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GOPisEvil Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 01:22 PM
Response to Original message
20. Not a problem at all for me.
As Madrone says, "Jealousy is for suckas!"

:)
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 01:23 PM
Response to Original message
21. i've always had male friends... and my husband has female friends


I think people simply need friends.... :shrug:

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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:13 PM
Response to Reply #21
30. "I think people simply need friends"
Poppycock! ;-)
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tigereye Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:20 PM
Response to Reply #30
33. well, it's more fun to drink good beer with other folks, right?


what are you doing for the holiday? I envy you - I love European Christmas traditions, music, food, etc.
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enigmatic Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 01:31 PM
Response to Original message
22. no n/t
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blondeatlast Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:02 PM
Response to Original message
23. I didn't used to, until Monday evening when he told me he fell in love with one
of them and is still trying to figure it out.

:cry:
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:03 PM
Response to Reply #23
24. Aww,
:hug:
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redqueen Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:06 PM
Response to Reply #23
26. Ah geez... I'm sorry...
:pals:
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:16 PM
Response to Reply #23
31. That sucks. On the bright side, if he told you that means he probably doesn't have the nerve to...
act on it. On the minus side, now you've had a steaming turd dropped in your lap
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City of Mills Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 03:57 PM
Response to Reply #23
37. I'm sorry :(
Just saw your post in the separation group, that forum is all but dead, feel free to post here and we'll help you get through it!
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supernova Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:06 PM
Response to Original message
25. No, it wouldn't upset me
I am jealous, but not overly so. :P

To just have friends, no it wouldn't bother me.

I agree that not having friends of the opposite sex would be a red flag for me. OTOH, if he as so many friends, that I'm nothing special, then no that wouldn't work either.
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MrScorpio Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:08 PM
Response to Original message
27. I'm not the jealous type
So the answer is no
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La Lioness Priyanka Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:11 PM
Response to Original message
28. no. i dont. that guy is insecure and likes to pretend that others are too. nt
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JVS Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:12 PM
Response to Original message
29. If she's fucking them, yeah.
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SidneyCarton Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:19 PM
Response to Original message
32. Mrs. Carton had quite a few friends of the opp. sex when we got married
We moved out of the community, but she stays in touch with some of them. I could care less...
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LeftyMom Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 02:28 PM
Response to Original message
34. Nope, I think that kind of thing is insecure bullshit.
He can be friends with anybody he wants, because I trust him. For that matter, his roommate is female, which doesn't bother me at all, except that she has horrible taste in paint shades.

I have a lot of guy friends. I've never fucked any of them, and I don't want to. :shrug:
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Wapsie B Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 03:00 PM
Response to Original message
35. Lots of friends of the opposite sex? Not at all.
I just want them to have moved on from their previous relationships.
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City of Mills Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 03:55 PM
Response to Original message
36. I didn't mind until the wife slept with one of them
He put the moves on her when we were having difficulties.
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LadyoftheRabbits Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 03:58 PM
Response to Original message
38. I don't think it's a problem
I have as many guy friends as I do female ones. And if it was reversed, on his part, I wouldn't mind.
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bigwillq Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:21 PM
Response to Original message
39. No.
It doesn't bother me.
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Mike 03 Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:26 PM
Response to Original message
40. Same here, although I know it can get touchy
My ex wife had friends of both genders and I never gave it a second thought. Although she hated the fact that I had female friends.

But the last GF I had had a very bizarre relationship of unknown quantities with some guy she used to have sex with "just for fun, to keep occupied" and as it turned out to supply her with painkillers. When we were dating, she claimed they were just friends, but since she still spent hours a week at his apartment, it was hard to put that entirely out of my mind. Although I believe her, because when we got more heavily involved she bought new underwear.
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skygazer Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:26 PM
Response to Original message
41. Honestly, I think the idea of controlling who someone is friends with is just creepy
You may as well put your significant other on a leash if you trust them so little.

My best friend is male. We've been friends for some 15 years, I stood up for him at his wedding, he performed mine. I fly out to Vermont to visit and stay at his house. My husband doesn't care. His wife doesn't care. My husband is friends with his ex-wife. I don't care.

I'm not into living in gender-based seclusion myself and suspect that those who feel the way you describe are either emotionally immature or have been damaged by a major betrayal.
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fizzgig Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:27 PM
Response to Original message
42. in most circumstances, no problem at all
Edited on Thu Dec-18-08 05:28 PM by kagehime
the only time i had problems with that was with my ex. i couldn't get him to go out with me for a drink but when one if his female coworkers invited him out, he was there in a flash. and then, toward the end of the relationship, he began what i would call an emotional affair with another female coworker. he fell in love with her and he began giving her more attention and care than he was giving me but always got mad at me if i would bring up how that made me feel and denied anything was going on.

but, on the whole, i have no problems with my boyfriends having female friends.
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Iggo Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:29 PM
Response to Original message
43. If she's with me, she's with me.
If she ain't, she ain't.

It's got nothing to do with the gender of her friends.

That someone who speaks for all men is just stroking his own insecuriy.
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Lyric Donating Member (1000+ posts) Send PM | Profile | Ignore Thu Dec-18-08 05:40 PM
Response to Original message
44. Nope, doesn't bother me.
She can have all of the friends of EITHER gender that she wants, and she can even flirt/play around with them. I have no doubts whatsoever that she loves ME. Hell, if she really WANTED to go screw some other guy/girl, I'd probably be fine with that too (assuming that the potential playmate was clean, and we discussed it in advance.) I guess I'm just not terribly possessive by nature. I know darned well that I already have her love guaranteed for the rest of her life, and mine. We've been through too much together to ever break apart over something as petty as jealousy.
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