crosspost from pet forum: seeking kittycat psychological advice

I have 3 cats (all neutered/spayed):

One is 12 yo female. I got her 1-1/2 years ago from my daughter, who had her for about 3 years. Her original owners gave her away because they were having a baby or something like that. (When she came to live w/daughter, she became an indoor-only cat. Before that she was indoor/outdoor.) She's my main concern.

Her life with my daughter was ok but I suspect stressful. She apparently hid a lot, and threw up her food all the time. When she came to me she was very skinny and "testy." I changed her food and she stopped throwing up, became more sociable and affectionate with me.

After I had her for a few months, I (foolishly) decided she needed another kitty for company, and adopted a male kitten. Ah, woe: she hated him from day one. She hid for a while, and whenever she encountered him would hiss, growl, swat at him. He was like: whaaa? huh? wtf??

So, a few months later, I adopted another male kitten, as playmate for the other.. and to relieve some of the pressure on the female.

The two boys get along great. Very playful, affectionate. Both less than a year old. But she hates them both. There's some combination of fear and aggression towards them. Growling, hissing.

Once in a while, when I am playing with the two boys on the floor, she sits nearby. She seems almost sad at those times, I don't know if I'm projecting.
.........

Recently I had to make them all be inside-only cats. This is ratcheting up the tension here. And she seems needy towards me, sitting in my lap about 10 times more than when I was allowing her outdoors.

I keep wondering: what happened to you, kitty? My sense is she's been traumatized, one way or another, that she has so much fear & hostility towards the other cats -- who totally leave her alone, if she lets them.

So.. any expert cat psychologists out there? Or people who've dealt with anything similar? I wish I knew how to heal whatever is making her so miserable. She was much better when she was able to be outside all day, but that's not an option right now. She's pretty sweet when she's by herself -- but very possessive of me now -- and really mean and nasty bitch whenever the boys are in sight. I'm giving her lots of love and affection, but it's a challenge.

I know they're all adjusting to the indoor-only change -- it has only been a few days that I've stopped letting them roam during the day (deer ticks and coyotes).

Any input most welcome, thank you!

It is impossible to know what trauma she has experienced. We think in terms of human trauma being the greatest, however, that is, of course, the human perspective.

Love her, grant her unconditional love and see if you don’t get a response. Plus, give her raw meat. Good luck and hope for your girl.

what kind of raw meat do you recommend giving?

There is Raw Diet, a commercial cat food you can get at better pet supply stores. But really any raw meat would work. Think about how important food is to them, something special will go a long way to reassure your girl.

cats' needs.

Ticks are a dangerous risk - and depending on where you live - an even more serious danger than we're often led to believe - soI absolutely commend you for that regardless of your location.

How long has it been since they all had to adjust to being fully indoor kitties? I have grown up and lived with cats my entire life, and some adjusted to new (feline) family members better than others, and all were individuals.

Several years ago, I had to ask my mother to take my cat, as my living situation was untenable and there was no way I would consider surrendering her to a shelter (there were no non-kill shelters in my area - that i knew of - at the time). My mother did NOT want to take my cat - and she was a cat lover her entire life, too. This cat was more distant and solitary than any catI"d ever had, and my mother didn't like her for these reasons. I was pretty annoying though, because my mom finally relented.

It took a few years for this cat to be able to go to the vet without serious pre-planning on the part of all parties - and medication to boot. Only within the last year or two has she been able to go to the vet like a normal cat (without Secret Service like negotiations).

it took a few years for my mother to go from distaste - to indifference - to "if you think you I will part with this cat, EVER, forget it. She's MINE."

My point is - give yourself some slack, AND give yourself some serious kudos for caring enough to work on resolving what you see as not a happy situation for your cats, when many people would just get rid of one or more to solve the "problem".

Yes, you might be projecting - I do that with my rescue dog all the time when I'm SURE I'm devastating him by leaving for the afternoon or not rubbing his belly when he looks so SAD... I do think I have a good sense of his emotions (and he does get stressed when he thinks I'm going to leave, but I work with him on that and it's a process). Sounds like you are keyed into your cat's feelings, and as hard as it is, time may be the best cure for your worries over her discomfort.

Look on the web and do some research - Petfinder forums and other online community pro-pet sites can be a great resource. You may not find a solution, but you'll find a lot of support, advice and suggestions - all of which really help when you don't know what to do.

Just keep loving them and keep thinking about solutions (a vet might give you advice, too?)... you're on the right track. If they aren't physically harming each other or exhibiting other destructive or unhealthy behaviours, then I think you deserve to take a breath and give yourself the freedom to not worry as much. Our animal family members pick up on our anxieties, just like kids do... so allow yourself to feel good that you're doing right by them.

All the best to you!
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they've just been indoor-only for less than a week. Today I sat outside and cried my head off because they had to stay inside, felt like my heart was broken.

(Don't know what that's about! but I'm sure it's about me, not them. When I came back inside, and read about the Air France plane going down, it gave me a little perspective on grief.)

The young boys have only been going outside since I moved here, in March. She was going outside (after having been indoors-only for 3+ years) for about 6 months before that. My daughter recently offered to find her another home, but I said NO! I feel like it would just be too traumatic for her, once again to be given away.

I haven't had cats since I was young, and our cats were always allowed to roam free. So the indoor-only cat is a new thing for me, and I'm not quite there yet. But I couldn't cope with the ticks coming into the house. I'm in a heavy deer-tick neighborhood, and high incidence of Lyme. I was going insane, finding ticks on me and seeing (or imagining) them crawling everywhere. Plus there are coyotes in this area, and the local vet told me many cats disappear. Of course I can't explain all this to the cats, though I try. :(

Thanks so much for your encouragement & suggestions.

all our cats (and dogs) were indoor/outdoor, and lived unusually long lives (half of our cats lived to be 19-21 years old). But this was before the Lyme epidemic, too.

I know it's hard, but keeping them in is safer and kinder for them - especially in a high-Lyme area. The area I grew up in is now ground zero for the rate of Lyme/Ehrlichiosis/Babesiosis - and that's nationally (with the white-footed deer mouse now being the primary host/carrier - but I don't know if that's true of your area. It wasn't like that years ago... I never saw a tick growing up except for once during a summer trip to Cape Cod. Now everyone on our road has had serious medical problems from tick-borne disease.

Please be careful if you're finding so many ticks! (As you can see, I'm pretty tick-phobic - my mother spent 11 days in ICU and nearly died because of these evil little things - and still has problems.)

And keep up the good work! The bottom line is that you care about your cats, and I hope you feel good about that! Keep asking questions, too! (Maybe your vet could offer some tips over the phone?). Take care and good luck!

I have four cats. Oberon (male Maine Coon) I got as a companion for an elderly tuxedo male who has since passed away. I got Puck (female) soon after getting Oberon. She loves him and she loved my old tuxedo. She's a Turkish Angora; a rare breed that is the border collie of the feline world. Oberon couldn't keep up with her need for play, so when my older cat passed away I decided to get her a "friend" a male Turk named Pippin. She hated him from day one and two years later still hates him! Like you I got Pippin a playmate; a little black male named Atticus Pye. He was a perfect fit but died three months later from FIP. :-( Last week I brought home another tuxedo-this time a small male kitten. Pippin loves his new buddy but Puck (not surprisingly) hates him, even though neither give her trouble. I find that she's happier when I take her out for a walk on her leash or just give her "mom time" away from all the boys for a while every day. It's a female cat thing; most males crave a companion, while most females do not. Make sure that she has a spot of her own to get away too if possible. Puck has her spot on the top of the fridge, on the bookcases and in two of my closets on a top shelf. If she knows that she can get away from them I think that she'll be more content.

Good luck!

thank you, it's helpful reading others' experiences. One of my boy cats is a tuxedo (Cody) and he is the best cat! so affectionate, almost like a puppy. He was found on a city street as a tiny kitten.. he often gets a look of alarm on his face. The other male (Isha) was a barn kitten. He's much more laid-back and independent. I don't know about the kittenhood of Muffin (the old female), I suspect she wasn't well-loved (since they gave her away) -- but maybe female cats are just different, as you say. I have to look into getting a leash. I am close to the ocean and I have an urge to take Cody to the beach. Sometimes there are little minnows flopping on the shore, I'm sure he'd have fun. But I'd be nervous taking him without a leash.

1. Having a cat that will walk on a leash is wonderful. I have one.

2. I tried once to take a cat on the beach. She was a brave cat, not scared of much. But the sound of the ocean apparently horrified her. Be prepared for your cat to be overwhelmed, perhaps.

I've just ordered a leash. It did occur to me that the beach might be scary for a cat, the sounds, sand and wide open space. but I'll try it first with my littlest one. He likes to be carried and snuggled.

was a feral kitten and quite wild. I was afraid to let her go outdoors, even with supervision, for fear she would take off and not come back. I got a figure 8 harness and put it on her and had her wear it indoors while she got used to it and would tug on it from time to time while I pet her. I also attached the leash and walked her around inside with it so she would get the feel of some resistance on her body. It seemed to acclimate her and I was able to take her outside for walks without any problems.

I got one for Puck and it seems to be escape proof. She has escaped from her traditional H harness a few times, but not the walking jacket. She also likes it much better even though it's far bulkier. It doesn't pinch her anywhere and is easy to custom fit, so maybe that has something to do with it.

maybe I will try one of those

This solution comes in spray or plug-in and is meant to calm and soothe cat tensions in multi-cat homes. You can get it at better pet stores and at vet clinics.

That said, your kitty may never get along with the boys. I had a calico who suffered through several male tabbies in the home. The boys got along for most part. Miss Figgy was always the outsider. None of the boys ever played with her or cuddled with her.

It just may be that way for your kitty. But she can get lots of affection from you. :-)

I'll have to read up more about it, I think I can order it online. Thank you!

some just hate the boys.

my Cleo was born and brought up with her male littermates.

she hates them all.

she also hates the female strays who grab a bite at the outside kitty dish, so maybe she's just an equal opportunity hater.

I wonder if it has something to do with the females being harrassed by the males for, you know, the usual reason

She loves people, got to where she tolerated Kittimus Prime, but really couldn't be bothered to bond with him. The best if ever got was that they could be in the same room at the same time.

yeah.. I don't know. She's not a happy cat. But she purrs in my lap if she has my sole attention so I can't give up on her yet. She's wanting so much to go outside.

But...we had a female cat who was exactly like this. Hated all other cats for no particular reason that we could discern, and hated male cats the most. She spent the last 5 years of her life basically in misery and making everyone else miserable around her because she just couldn't function with the other male cat in our household. Same situation as yours - he tried his best to ignore her and just get along, and she flipped out at every opportunity and lashed out at anyone near her.

She wasn't traumatized or anything, either. Never been abused, used to be sweet as a young cat before other cats joined the household. She was just so angry and miserable she made herself crazy, and it got much worse as she aged.

It was a very unpleasant situation, and we tried everything from Feliway to drugs to behavior modification therapy for years, with no results whatsoever.

We eventually had to put her down because her arthritis was really bad, and she was clearly one of the most miserable creatures on earth. I tried to rehome her for literally years and years, with no success, and none of us could take it anymore, including her. It's impossible to find a home for an older cat who can't be with other cats - all of the people who might have taken her in were soft-hearts who already had multiple cat households. She was pushing 16 when she was put to sleep. We now have an extremely calm, all male cat household, where everyone loves one another, plays together peacefully, lots of mutual grooming, etc. I felt sorry for her, but honestly I can't say I miss her at all. She caused a huge amount of unnecessary drama and unhappiness in everyone's life.

Maybe it is a thing with female cats. I don't know.

to read about similar situations. She's fine & affectionate with people as long as the boys aren't around -- but turns nasty as soon as she spots them, even towards me. I just ordered an herbal treat that is supposed to help uptight cats relax, maybe that will help her. I'm also going to check with the vet, see if they have any ideas.