Long time since I had a drink during the day, long time since DUers tolerated

me drinking or sober but I'm checking in anyway.

The republican boyfriend has made a reappearance. He isn't a republican any more but that's how my friends will recognize him.

He loves me, he wants to be my "mate", he is faithful and has been (I have no doubt), but then, he wrote that while he used to be a "puppydog" about me (a quote from a mutual friend) he is trying to lose that attitude because he's stronger now.

Y'all know I was crazy about him and bore much criticism for it. I'm still crazy about him but.... Well, but.

I'm old, I'm starting to look it (really) and I'm starting to feel it. About once every decade I meet an interesting man and the ex is one of them. I have since met one other man I find interesting to the point of dreaming about him, but he is in a difficult place and has made it clear we are just friends. Plus, he's younger than I am, incredibly funny, insightful and intelligent, etc. etc. Like the ex, but untried.

So, whatever. I'm finishing my third glass of wine because I don't want to think.

Cheers.

Sucess doesn't follow getting back together w/ex's much. Hope you end up happy. :toast: enjoy.

But I will end up happy, one way or another! :hug: :hi: :toast:

but I hope you find happiness.

:hug:

And I send to you Good Vibes of the Powerful Varity, heh. :hug: :hi:

Sigh. No comment.

At least I'm assuming it's not him. I went out with this guy for two years. BTW, I had a dream about you last night. I considered reporting it to you but in the morning it seemed like a stupid idea. Now it seems JUST FINE! Heh. Hi, bi_baby. :hi: I hope you're doing okay.

I don't want to disbelieve you, but I don't want you hurt any more.

You deserve better.

I read "The guy who hit ON you." Wishful thinking, I guess.

Yeah, him. I can't recall a long-term relationship with somebody who didn't hit me. I thought you wrote "hit ON you".

He hit you. Please don't go back to him under any circumstances. Any man who feels that it's okay to hit a woman is a total piece of shit douchebag.

Please, crimmy. Don't do this. You deserve better.

so I was going to say, he's changed. What I mean to say is, he has and is making a huge effort to change and I think that while he may not hit, it will be because he has closed off his emotions.

He's not a fool, or unkind, or even republican. But he's wounded and fucked up, just like me. But Midlo, if it was right I wouldn't feel a sense of doom right now, would I?

Who will save him? He's worth saving (she said, fulfilling the last requisite criterion to qualify as an official fool).

Very kind that you want to, but you've been hurt pretty badly in the last few years and you've still got young kids.

Be good to yourself. Do what's right for you. Please.

:hug:

Hence my post. Thank you! :hug:

Take it from someone who's been there. No "man" like that is worth saving.

He never did it again, not in eighteen years. I'm not refuting statistics but explaining why I sound foolishly optimistic.

took a few stitches for me to figure it out.

My ex husband was more of a thrower than a hitter - but he never stopped - no matter how bad he felt after each time.

I know I don't post much, but I remember reading about this asshole way back when, and plus I know plenty of friends who've had abusive partners. So trust me when I say:

THEY DON'T CHANGE. THEY DON'T. EVER.

They SAY they do. Oh, all the time, they claim to change, they find religion, they've become a stronger person, they've found peace, they've discovered their emotions - there's ALWAYS a "renaissance," they're always a "changed man."

Except that they NEVER ARE. There is something different in the brain of someone who would, ever, under any circumstances, drunk or sober, physically assault or harm another person. Whether he's wired differently or he has wounds that date back to childhood, there is something *different* about him, something that makes him an abuser. And that is something that you - or he - can't change. It is not something you can help him "get over."

Abusers are some of the most accomplished sweet-talkers on the planet. I mean, hell, they have to be! So I don't care WHAT beautiful poetry he's reciting for you now, or what tearful story of change and rebirth he's fed you. He *WILL* abuse again, and he'll blame you for provoking him and retarding his "growth", or he'll blame the booze, or he'll blame "stress" or his "job." But he WILL do it again.

Please, please, please, do not let this man into your life again. It took tremendous courage to give him the boot. Abusers are toxic, they are master manipulators, and the only thing they are good at is destroying their victim's self-esteem and making their victim feel reliant upon them for happiness. He makes you think that he's the only man who will ever love you, and that if you turn him out, you'll be alone forever. Well, that is NOT true. There are tons of kind, well-adjusted, non-abusers out there who'd love to find a like-minded partner. And at any rate... what he gives you isn't love. It's the opposite of love. And EVERY woman would be better off alone than with a monster like that.

Just, please. Don't be fooled by the "I've changed" lies. You're so much better than him.

Maybe not the ex, but my ex-husband changed. After the second abusive event I insisted we go to counseling and we did. There was never another physical event. This is where I get my perhaps ridiculous hope.

Thank you for your response. I think it's worthwhile to note that there are exceptions, however rare, and none of us are better than they are/ However, they ex is not a miracle and you may be right. I know he's trying and I know that whenever somebody tries, there is a sincere motive. But he may fail and I'm not going to put myself in the middle of that failure. I'm going to put myself in the middle. I come from a calm family background and will not settle for something less.

Doesn't mean you should stake your entire financial future on the 1 in 100 billion chance that you'll be the one.

What I think you need to focus on is not that your ex-husband didn't hit you *again*, but why you put up with it from not one but TWO men. It's good that you got out of your marriage, and it's good that you got away from this latest abuser. You've made a lot more progress than some people in similar situations do. So PLEASE, for your sake and your children's sake, don't even look his way again. Block his number and his email, change your dating webpage or whatever other online means he might be able to get ahold of you. The only way to remove a toxic influence from your life is to completely and totally cut off contact. Trust me, hon, I KNOW this. I dated a malicious sociopath. He didn't physically abuse me ever (HELL NO), but he was a toxic, foul human being. I unfriended him on facebook, blocked his number, and didn't look back. And I am SO much happier for it today because I removed any chance for him to pollute my life with his nasty, negative poisonous influence.

You say that you "know he's trying," but you don't, really. You know that he SAYS he's trying, and you believe him, but that doesn't mean it's true, or that it's even possible for him to "change." And the stakes are WAY too high for you to make that gamble anyway. You owe it to yourself to move on, don't look back, and don't give him any more chances to bring you down.

it's because at least two of them have taken concrete steps - counseling, etc. - to combat their pains. Also, I have my own huge issues (drinking in the middle of a miserable afternoon being one of them) which I hope people will understand is an aberration and is in response to misery.

Typing that out I see how it's fodder for ridicule, yet it's true. The beauty of posting on DU is that there is no escape from the alternate paradigm. For this, I thank you.

DO NOT go back to him. You cannot change him or save him.

If he ever touched you in violence, whether sober or drunk, then I assure you that he is a douchebag of the highest order. He needs professional help, not a punching bag or someone to psychologically torture. Leave him be.

Listen to Midlo, she's right. The hitting is a whole different ballgame.

than you think you deserve.

:hug:

I thank you. :hug: And you? Are you okay?

Thanks.

:hug:

The abbreviated response to which I could attach many meanings but won't.

I'm glad.

Things are going well.

If you ever need a vacation, you are welcome to visit my new house anytime.

:hug:

And I didn't think about the depth of your motives although it probably sounded that way.

I had a smaller house built. It's nearly finished. I'm closing on the 26th of this month. I'm excited.

:D

Lucky you! I volunteer at a local farm and last night I got my first massive bite - through or under my jeans. 'Tis the season and I'm looking forward to its termination!

Heya, mainegreen. :hi:

My kids must be attracting them all. They are covered with black fly bites, even with the nutrapel (or whatever that stuff is called).

I think the mill scares them away.

:D

I just went snorkeling and am enjoying a cold beer myself.

Follow your heart, but don't let yourself ever be used/abused. You're too good for that.

If he hit you don't go back. :hug:

Since then, he has done other things which I suppose are unforgiveable, but he hasn't hit me.

but I wish you happiness and the best always, my friend...

:hug:

RL

at all. It's entirely healthy to be so consumed with your own interests, hobbies, work, children, friends, that you have no time for lovers, wanna be lovers, and dysfunction dressed up as something (one) attractive.

I kinda remember this story. You never deserve to be hit. Ever.

Has he had any counseling? He needs some to get at the root of why he hits. And you don't need to help him. He needs to help himself.

a pirate-type "ar-har, me maties?"

Were I a woman, I really think I'd rather hear the term "lover" or some such, rather than "mate."

But I'm not a woman, so what do I know?

Redstone

Anyway, I posted not to get advice about him but for friendship, and I have received it. Thank you Redstone. I've read some of your latest posts and am hoping for miracles.

I have a girlfriend who was dating a guy off and on and in between dating they were good friends for 10 years. She wanted more of a commitment then he did. About 6 months ago they got into an argument and he hit her and then tried to strangle her. Although she is bigger than he is she said her brain shut down during the attack and she did nothing to defend herself for very long seconds and she finally shoved him away and he ran out the door.

At my prompting she had him arrested and went to court where he received a slap on the wrist and a "sentence" of going to anger management classes.

Fast forward to about 3 months ago. The guy comes crawling back declaring his love and desire to marry my friend and she fell for it. Within two weeks he changed his mind about marrying and they broke up again. Basically he just wanted to prove he could get back in her good graces and she swallowed it hook, line and sinker.

Please think again 2, 3 4 or 100 times before you let this guy back into your life.

I need other peoples' stories, because my ex does not appear to be a monster.

I feel badly for these people, I swear I do. The ex is not horrible but he's sad and defensive and will do what it takes to keep himself feeling "on top." I cannot be his sacrifice but neither can I demonize him. Thank you for your story.

I don't think the guy in the story was inherently evil but he had a real problem that my friend couldn't fix and he wouldn't try to fix with counseling or whatever it took.

I think our female nurturing nature gets us in trouble sometimes because we want to be fair to the other person but sometimes it's at great cost to ourselves.

This guy isn't your last change no matter how old you think you look. My aunt remarried at 72 to a great guy but she refused to settle for less than what she really wanted and deserved until she found the right one. She's now 92. Her husband died a couple of years ago but she is better for having had a true love relationship. She had suffered terribly at the hands of her first husband from emotional abuse and it left her scarred. I believe her second marriage healed over a lot of that hurt.

I spent way too many years in a marriage with someone who was sad and defensive and who made me a crazy person trying to deal with him. The day he hit me was the end. I'm now happily remarried to a man who not only says he loves me but his actions match his words and he acts like he loves me. It was worth the wait. It did my self-esteem a ton of good to make a stand and put my safety and happiness first by getting out of the earlier marriage. My family kicked their feet and gave me shit but I let them know that I would live my life as I saw fit and they came around. (I was no spring chicken when I married the second time.)

but didn't you just sign final divorce papers recently? I seem to recall that.

If that's the case, what I know from personal experience and from some experience on the other side of the lawyer's desk is that you want to put a two-year moratorium on doing anything serious - selling a house, moving to a new town, establishing a serious relationship.

You need to get yourself together and healed and strong before you're competent to jump into any big decisions. That you are working so hard to make excuses for two men who hit you - TWO MEN WHO HIT YOU - suggests to me that you should take a lot of time for yourself, time to contemplate exactly what you want in a relationship with a man, and what you are and are not willing to tolerate.

Honestly, with all the people in this world, that you're even willing to have anything to do with a man who hit you is shocking.

There is no excuse for a man to hit a woman.

And, contrary to what you keep saying, they do not change. They've just not been caught in the proper situation; when they are, they'll hit. That's what they do, that's their essential character, and essential character never changes.

What I most hope for you, from my distance of not knowing you, is that you could learn to love and to value yourself so much that you wouldn't have to drink in the afternoon because you're longing for attention from a man who once hit you........................

Sub-thread removed by moderator. Click here to review the message board rules.

Oh, crimmie, he's back, huh? Sounds to me like his sole purpose in life is to make your life miserable. I'm sorry. I don't know what to say to make it better, except that I'm here for you, and I'm hurting for you. :hug::pals::* :loveya:


Plus, you are gorgeous, understand? No more of that "old and look it talk"...

sounds like a challenging situation.

:hug: and another :hug: The heart cant help how it feels. And FYI you look smashing my dear.
Even if you may be a little smashed right now.

From me to you, as a person that also finds it far to easy to see the good and/or potential in another human being even when it's outweighed by negative...

Just remember -

The amazingly wonderful qualities in a person do not make the negative ones okay or acceptable.

again...

The amazingly wonderful qualities in a person do not make the negative ones okay or acceptable.

again...

The amazingly wonderful qualities in a person do not make the negative ones okay or acceptable.

again...

The amazingly wonderful qualities in a person do not make the negative ones okay or acceptable.


It's perfectly okay to acknowledge the goodness this person contains and appreciate it. It's not okay to accept mind-fuckery, abuse, and controlling, passive-aggressive behavior simply because there's a kernel of something wonderful in there - somewhere.

You don't have to pay for being treated well by being treated poorly. You don't owe him your suffering in exchange for a moment of bliss.

Remember this.

:hug:

:evilgrin:

Then again, in "The Sims", I'm known to cry when a Sim does something stupid - I worked so hard to make its life so Sim-perfect... oh Lordie, this is pathetic... :blush:

I'm feeling old too. I could do to exercise more (on and off struggle) but my belly hasn't drooped below my waist so far... by 5 years' time it will have if I don't get consistent... (it's healthier to exercise...)

I'm sober right now, watching my conure parrot named Syzygy ("Ziggy") act silly on the playgym - he's a riot.

pictures you've posted are not of you.

Please don't get back with this man.

I know it's not really my business, and I don't know whether you are/were in counseling, but if you are thinking of going to an abusive guy, I think you should be.

They don't change out of nowhere. After much, much therapy it's slightly possible they will, but still unlikely.

I believe you have kids? For their sake, don't be an example of someone who tolerates this for them.

Best of luck in any case.

http://counsellingresource.com/quizzes/loser/index.html

No, you don't know me and I don't know you. Just humor me and read it anyway.

1. You have to follow your own heart and mind, Crim Son. Though I've not interacted with you much, I do recall your stories, and you seem like such a nice person- Someone who I'd hate to see hurt again. IF you decide to do this, I would suggest to proceed slowly and with extreme caution. If he has truly changed, he'll understand that he needs to prove this to you MANY times over. People CAN change- but it's my experience that they usually don't or won't. Only you can decide if you want to take this risk... I see that you swear that he's only hit you once, but IMHO that's one time too many.

2. I don't know your actual age, but regardless- you're VERY attractive. If I weren't a gay fella, I guarantee you that I'd bark up your tree!

3. Enjoy your wine, and take your time to think about this. And know that there are a bunch of people here who want the best for you.

:hug: