Don't give anyone the "perspective" talk. Please.

This has been on my mind for a little while and I am just getting it off of my chest. It will probably make me look like a jerk and selfish. But it's the way I feel.

I've been dealing with diverticulitis for seven weeks. The most frustrating thing, I think, is that I've thought three times that I've gotten through this and had symptoms hit again. Fever the first time, fever the second time, pain the third time. It's quite maddening and I would really like to know I'm getting out from under this. Problem is, I've gotten the "perspective" talk more than once.

You know the one. It's where someone who's well tells you about a third person who's worse off than you are. "Well, let me give you a little perspective. John Doe lost both feet to frostbite, then he fell down during physical therapy on a pen. It punctured his gut and he had to have 4 feet of small intestine removed. Then when he finally got the colostomy bag removed, and got used to his new feet, he was out for his first walk, and a construction worker dropped a brick on his head. He had to have a plate put in his skull. And now when he goes through airports, he has to take his feet off and his skull plate sets the metal detectors off. And he was let go by his employer, so he has no job and no insurance. He finally got an interview, and in the airport on the way to the interview, he got hit by one of those airport carts and they think he's going to lose an arm. And they hired someone else. Just a little perspective."

Well, thanks a lot. That was healing. Now I still feel like crap and I've got guilt. You've just made me feel bad that I don't feel worse. Perhaps I could poke a steak knife in my eye and cauterize it by putting my face on a stove burner. And then maybe I drive to the nearest swamp, chop my leg off at the knee, stick swamp mud on it and get several different kinds of life threatening infection, drag myself back to the car, do without a seat belt, hit a tree, and then get ejected from the car so that I have a concussion, break several ribs and both arms, puncture a lung, and have to have my spleen removed. Would that finally stop you from giving me "perspective"?!? No, you'd just use me as an example of "perspective" for someone else.

It doesn't help. If I'm talking about how frustrated I am with my illness or how it feels, I'm not looking for perspective. How the fuck does perspective make me feel better? It could be worse? I should be glad someone else feels worse than me? Thanks a lot. If you can't sympathize, just let me know, and I'll call someone else. I hate the perspective talk. I've never done that to anyone who's sick and I never will.

ANY type of chronic pain or illness sucks bad.

You feel how you feel...and that's it.

Does your doc know why the anti-biotic has not knocked this out yet?

BTW...I've had it twice...it fucking hurts.

I just barely missed surgery. I had a small perforation and if it had been any bigger, I'd have a colostomy bag right now. They let me out of the hospital after 5 days - I got put on ciprofloxacin and flagyl for 9 days. Completed that regimen, and the fever hit 2 days later. Then they put me back on the same stuff, which didn't make much sense because I thought I probably had a resistant population at that point, but I went along with it and 5 days later, I was back in the hospital with another fever. They pumped 100ml of Zosyn into me every 6 hours and then put me on flagyl and 875mg of amoxicillin (horse pills, I tell you) for 10 days. That regimen ended 10 days ago and then one week later, I had pain and a very slight fever (99.0). No big fever since then - I hit 102 the other times - and no huge white blood cell reaction on the CBC, just a little elevated, so I was asked to go on clear liquids only for 24 hours. I have a CT scan tomorrow. I think I might have gotten some inflammation due to constipation when trying to go to high-fiber. I sure hope that's it, because if this hangs on for too much longer they may want to do surgery.

I'm cringing reading your story.

You've had a tough road.

I'm surprised that they put you on high fiber so soon...normally they wait until they are certain it is gone.

Good luck with your CT Scan.

I'm wishing you the best for a speedy recovery...hang in there and do the best you can. :hug:

put down/one-upsmanship.

"YOUR problems are not so bad, stop whining, look at how much worse someone else is..."

Agree with you on this one...

:hug:

A swing and a miss, perhaps, but perhaps the intentions were good?

what's good about that? The whole "cruel to be kind" thing is overrated and--in my opinion--very often an excuse to give one's ego free rein under the guise of "offering perspective." I understand what you're saying; the truth of the matter is, things could almost always be worse, but that's easy to say when we're not the ones enduring a certan pain from a particular perspective shaped/sharpened/exacerbated by years of very personal life experience at a certain point in an individual life and in a most immediate way. I'd rather err on the side of empathy. :hi:

It's wrong to try to quantify suffering. And the fact that someone else might have an arguably worse affliction doesn't improve your situation or make you feel better. "Perspective" is irrelevant in these situations.

It's an attention seeking person that drives me crazy. Hey, look at me I have it worse.

:applause:

:thumbsup:

to have any empathy, because you're not the sickest person imaginable."

If you need to be the sickest person imaginable in order for someone to have empathy then that person is a heartless monster. x(

That is also why I always tell people not to compare their pain with mine. I have chronic pain, and I take their pain seriously even if they aren't in as much pain as I am. Everyone should be taken seriously in their own context, in their own situation. Everyone's own situation is important.

:hug:

I hope your diverticulitis is gone now, and I hope it never comes back. That is a horrible, painful, disabling, inconvenient thing to have to deal with. :(

I started feeling a little off, and took my temperature. 100. I'm headed to the ER. Thanks very much for the sympathy and maybe this hospital visit will take care of it.

:hug:

I hate that crap - as if it's some sort of contest. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope it is resolved soon. :hug:

I know I'm probably guilty of that - at least when somebody is complaining about small stuff. Hope I haven't done that to anybody with something more serious.

Be well soon.

Oh and that was some pretty good ranting - :rofl: <<===hope you don't mind!

Sorry. I know what you mean, and you said it well. :thumbsup:

and they're just insensitive self-absorbed dickwads.

You're sick and you hurt. NOTHING is more important than that. Nothing.

Who gives a rat's ass about anyone else?

YOU are the only one who matters.

That said, I'm not feeling too great myself.

(I couldn't resist - sorry.)

Sounds awful, and I hope you get a break really soon. NO surgery. I'm so sorry you're having to endure this. But I hope your venting this here helps you feel better, just a bit of assurance that you are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

Feel better..............................

Very well put. That kind of thing drives me crazy.

Those people who say "Count your blessings. Your life could be worse, you know."

Uh, yeah . . . but it could also be a WHOLE LOT BETTER, YA THINK?

You've just given me an idea for a GD thread . . .

It's very rude and no one can ever really feel someone else's suffering to gauge if it's weaker or stronger than their own.
Hope this was the last time for your diverticulitis and you'll have a clean bill of health from now on!

Say either:

1. "I envy that footless colostomy guy with the metal skull because he doesn't have to listen to your bullshit."

or

2. "You're right; all we need to do is find the person who's suffered the worst, and the rest of us can shut the hell up."


Diverticulitis might not technically be the worst illness in the world, but if you ask me, it's close enough. Best wishes to you for a definitive recovery as soon as possible!

Nasty, nasty issue. Thats a pretty callous thing to say to someone who is sick. It sounds to me like a version of "You aren't dying so man it up!!". Yick.
I suspect the person who gave this "perspective" speech is a not very empathetic person. I know, cause I have a few people in my life like that.
Don't let this bother you..it says more about the person who said this too you than anything else.
I hope you get well soon...:hug:

it's what mean-spirited people do.

someone here once posted about how humans are able to multi-task and can feel more than one emotion at a time. There's no need to trump another person's pain.

I'm sorry for all you're going through and I hope you get relief soon!

Even so, you should see what the jailers did to that OTHER guy!

So, the following are NOT legitimate grounds for complaint:

diverticulitis (at least it's not gangrene)

cancer (whatever kind you have, there's one that's worse)

Losing a house to fire and then living in the chicken shack (at least you have a shack!)--No shit, my mother said that to me when I told her how Gov. Strickland (D-OH) and family lost their house to fire when he was small and they had to live in the chicken shack.

kidney failure (at least you do not live in a time when there was no dialysis)

accident that totals car (at least no one was hurt.)

stubbed toe (at least it isn't broken)

broken toe (again, no gangrene)

gangrenous toe (at least you didn't lose your whole foot)

gangrenous foot (at least you still have a knee on that leg)

gangrenous knee (well, you get the idea)


Not everything has a bright side and I wish people would STFU rather than reflexively spouting that crap.

How people use the "there are people who are worse off than you". Well that's true and it's important to be thankful for what you've got and appreciate it, but it doesn't mean that your pain or your feelings or whatever else are any less legitimate or valid. It's actually quite a hurful and offensive response because, although it may be unintentional, it essentially says that your feelings and your personal issues don't matter and that you have no right to them.

:hug:

So I went into the ER at midnight and didn't get into a room until 6AM. At that point, the doctor told me that a 100 fever could just be a normal fluctuation. Then he poked ma belly in a few different places. And then, as I'd had a CT scheduled last Friday for 10:30 this morning, said, it's only a few hours, have the CT there and it'll save you money - and bloodwork would be pointless and we wouldn't want to jump the gun with an antibiotic. So then he just let me go. I had the feeling he thought it was a false alarm.

So I asked a few questions - could constipation from a change from low impact to high fiber cause an inflammation? Yes. Could an inflammation trigger a slight fever and slight white blood count rise? Yes. So maybe this really was just a flareup with no bacterial infection involved. That's what I've got fingers crossed for - but the CT will be the thing that tells me if I'm healing or not. If not... it's probably surgery.

I should also mention that the people who have done the "perspective" talk are people I really do love and they really did mean well. I think they wanted to get the idea across that hey, it's bad, but it could be a lot worse, so you should feel good that you didn't get a worse case (and believe me, diverticulitis can hit a lot harder than it's even hit me), and chin up, you can recover from this. It just really struck me the wrong way, though. Even good intentions in communication can go astray and this is a really good example of it.

Another one - I am sure women have heard this one. If someone has a miscarriage, so many people say "oh, you can have another." My older sister miscarried once, and when she told me, I just said "I am so sorry for your loss." She waited and then said, "you're the first person to not say I could have another one." I said, "that's awful! The fact that you can have another one doesn't make this loss any less! And I'm really, really sorry you've had to go through this." Someone should make a public service announcement about that one.

I've had people say that to me any number of times. I recognize the fact that they're trying to compliment me, saying I have strength, etc. But what I'm hearing is that it's actually easy for me because I'm a survivor, I'm strong, so it's no wonder I've gotten through all the things I've gotten through. In a certain way, it diminishes the trauma a person has suffered by implying they can handle it.

People need to just learn to listen, to sympathize and to give a hug or something rather than try to make statements to make you feel better. The truth is, there are situations where nothing will make you feel better. You just need someone to empathize.


On a related note, I was told just the other day by a friend that I'm "lucky" because I have a prescription for Vicodin. Now this friend knows I have the scrip because I have chronic arthritis in every joint. I'm 48 and I have the joints of a far older woman. And I can't take the prescription anti-inflammatories that would help reduce the inflammation and possibly slow the deterioration because they cause stomach problems. So I take Vicodin which merely masks the pain (somewhat). My arthritis will never get better and it will definitely get worse. In the not-too-distant future, I will no doubt need a cane to walk, then a wheelchair. The idea of being helpless terrifies me. But I'm lucky because my doctor gives me Vicodin. :nuke:


People don't think before they open their mouths.

Sending you good mojo, GaYellowDawg. If you don't mind, we'll burn a white candle tomorrow for you. :hug: :hug:

People should really think before they open their dumb ass mouth. Would you ever say to a mother, sorry you son died, but hey you have another, be happy about that.

... that showed that relatively minor chronic illness causes much more stress and a more negative impact on the sufferer than much more severe illness or injury.

I'm sure the people telling you these stories think they are helping. It's just too bad they are so clueless.

I had periodic bouts with diverticulitis, rarely went to the doc because they would last a week or two and go away. One bad bout, about 8 years ago after maybe 4 weeks of pain it was getting worse and I finally went to the doc. He sent me across the street for a CT scan, I brought the results back and after he looked at them, he said to go to the hospital immediately. I was seriously infected and sealed shut. By that evening I was in surgery for a colonectomy. The plan was for me to have a colostomy bag for a few weeks and then they go back in and re-hook up the plumbing. My lady surgeon was maybe 8.5 months pregnant.

Four days later they are making a final inspection before I am being discharged and the intestine end they left sticking out of my abdomen had died. They prepped me for 2 days to go back under the knife. They gave me some hideous green crap intraveniously and kept pumping it in, i bet they force 25 lbs. of that shit in me, I thought I was gonna burst, it was running out my nose and coming up my throat but I guess they needed me nice and plump for another gut surgery so soon. It was the most horrible thing I ever went through.

So, they go back in, cut out more of the small intestine, give me a new colonostomy hole on the other side. Post surgery I was in the ICU for 3 days. When I got a room finally I was so weak I was panting walking across the room with a walker. I spent the entire month of May in the hospital. Plan A was out the window, colostomy bag was now to be used for a minimum of 6 months, ugh...

I want back in in December, got reconnected, a mere 3 day stay. My abdomen is scarred to hell but I can never get diverticulitis again and can eat anything I want.

Best of luck to you, but take it seriously and get it taken care of.

I'm really sorry you had to go through so much.

June was my first bout with it. I actually had a small perforation and if it had been any bigger at all I would have had surgery. I'm terrified of surgery, so I'm doing whatever they tell me. High fiber? OK. Lots of water? Sure. Check in with the doctor any time I have fever and abdominal pain? Absolutely.

I know there are no guarantees that I won't have another blockage and infection, but I've been told that the fiber and the water - basically, doing the things I should be doing anyway - can help lower the changes of recurrences. I will follow their advice and I will certainly follow yours. I'm really sorry, again, for what you've gone through.

the mythical one i grew up with, of course, lol (suck it up soldier)

I am saying, don't mess with it...

If you are prone to it, it is too late, almost any rough digestible can find a pocket to block

It is not gas pains... I hope you have insurance.... Which I do not have currently (my bout with
diverticulitis was one of the reasons I was rescinded)I am rolling the dice

You know exactly how your pain feels and how it affects you.
It should not be subject to belittling by way of comparisons to others.

As someone who deals with chronic, acute back pain and spasms,
I know that only those who have dealt with this know what it feels like.

Understanding acute, chronic pain is not a spectator sport.
You have to be a participant to understand it.

I hope this makes sense, as I am having a lot of pain right now
and it affects every damn thing in my life!

Hang in there.
I'm glad you spoke up and got this out in the open.

I hope you feel better soon.

:hug:

your OP is one of the funniest things I've ever read on DU. You have a great sense of humor.
I hope things turn out ok for you.