Could I get some women's opinions? Clueless buffoon here.

I've never been good at "reading" people or picking up on "signs," whether they're signs of something good, something bad, or simply indications of indifference from women.

I won't bother with a long narrative, so here are the quick facts:

- met her in Dec. '08
- since then, we've become friends and seen each other once or twice a week
- we've shared lots of stories of our lives, but nothing really intensely personal
- she's told me on several occasions that our time together is the "high point" of her week and she always looks forward to seeing me
- there's an age difference (10 years) but it's never evident in our time together, we share the same sense of humor, many of the same interests, while still introducing each other to different interests
- I have a medical condition that impacts my ability to have a more active social life and she is of course well aware of it

Those are the basics. Here's what's going on. She recently suffered a professional setback and has started talking about moving. Recently we had a long talk about her problem, she got emotional, and it really hit me hard seeing her like that. At one point she asked me, "Am I a loser?"

Later that night I wrote an extremely long email to her, telling her about similar things I've experienced and what I learned: that you can dwell on the setback or you can look for ways to turn the situation in your favor, and the latter choice is the only way forward. I had already answered her question about being a loser, but in the email I expanded on it, telling her about the amazing traits she possesses and that she should know that at the very least, she makes a difference in one person's life.

She wrote back, and said in part: "Thank you for those beautiful words. You have no idea how profound they are. I look forward to seeing you all the time, please know that! I have nothing but love for you."

I wasn't sure how to take that last line. Am I reading too much into it? Is it just a deeper way of saying "thank you" or "I appreciate you"? I know this could vary person to person, but in general, would a woman say that to someone she views only as a friend with no potential for more?

Part of my problem is that I'm crazy about her, but I NEVER let it show. I value the friendship immensely. I was very careful not to use any strong emotional language in my talk with her or my email.

I'm just not sure what to make of this. Thanks for any input.

take this with a lot of salt, but it sounds to me like she likes you too but is also afraid to upset the balance... and those words are the best way she has to let you know how she feels. Saying that her time with you is the high point of her week, and that she looks forward to seeing you all the time... those are fairly strong words. Is she someone that is more careful with her words, or does she just say whatever and then amend her comments as necessary?

Again, that's just how it seems to me. Might be (probably is) just my having seen too many romance movies, or wishful thinking cause I think it'd be so nice if you both "like" like each other and wanted to explore that.

Good luck. :)

I've thought about that, too.

She's not overly cautious about her words, nor is she the type to blurt out things and then amend them. She has always struck me as a blunt person who says what she's thinking.

And I guess that's sort of what's confusing me about those particular words. I'm thinking it could be that she was just very appreciative of my lengthy email, and wanted to express that in a strong way. And it could be "love" she's feeling, but in a non-romantic way. Does that make sense?

I should add something here: While it's true that I'm crazy about her, I'm far more concerned with misreading this one way or the other and blowing the whole thing up. The last thing in the world I want to do is take a step in the wrong direction. I was very careful with my words so they couldn't be misread as me coming on to her or something, because I really really don't want to insult her.

Platonic love between best friends would make perfect sense. See, I always get carried away with the lovey stuff.

You seem like a really good friend. :)

I've been off the scene for a while so I'm feeling like a kid again, wondering: if I do nothing, she'll think I'm don't feel the same way, but then again if I do something, I'll look like an idiot.

I'm thinking just let it go and hope the friendship remains strong.

You owe it to your friend and yourself.

Tell her, gently, how you feel. If you don't you'll regret it.

(and some people might think I'm full of it) I'd really just like her to know, no matter what her answer is. I guess that stems from the friendship -- my wanting her to know how much she means to me. And I'd do it without any pressure or expectations. That's how I've been even in situations where things were obvious. In other words, the complete opposite of aggressive.

As a straight woman, I have found myself in friendships with men that were very intimate but remained platonic. I very openly told them I loved them, I was affectionate with them, and looked forward to spending time with them.

I have had other relationships with men where I wanted it to be an intimate friendship, but they were unable to maintain that level of friendship without it moving to a relatioship. Things usually got very awkward when the confession of it meaning more than simple friendship to them finally arrived.

Since you make it a point during those 8 months to never show your deeper feelings about her, she may be operating under the impression that you two are simply the closest of friends. Bringing it up overtly after all this time may freak her out a bit and turn things awkward between you two -- you risk upsetting a relationship that means a great deal to you.

But, I think you can find a way to put it out there for her to know that you are open to it being more and letting her respond to it as she choses, without damaging your existing friendship. Once, I was in your situation with a man that I was close to and was interested in, but ambivilent about talking about taking it to another level for fear of a misstep. During a discussion about relationships we were having, I managed to tell him how lucky I was to have him in my life (the truth) and, if I were to have a boyfriend like him, how much luckier I would be (alse the truth) -- I didn't dwell on it or wait for him to reply -- it simply opened up a door for us to have a conversation, should he choose to. He did, we did, and we ended up remaiming good friends without any weirdness.

If you want to open that door, I would just make sure it is not at a time she is very emotional or feeling vulnerable. Her talking about moving away might be the perfect "opening" for you to go with. (hint hint)

Good luck whatever you decide to do, and, at the very least it sounds like you have a very good friend in your life. :hi:

to find out whether she's crazy about you and has been waiting for you to make the first "move".

It would be very sad to see her move away because neither one of you was willing to risk the first
move to see if the chance of something deeper and more intimate is possible between you.

to see what's going on.

I have close friends that I love.
I have family that I love in a different way.
And there's 'romantic' luuuv.
Sticky wicket.

Sounds like you two are close enough to have a frank talk.
You can explain your feelings, but let her know if that's not where she's going you understand her level of emotion(?) and are OK if it's just a more-or-less 'very close friends' way she feels.
If that IS still OK with you.

Life is complicated.
Good luck and all the best.
:-)

Thanks for the input.

Of course I'd be OK with whatever she wants. I just don't want to lose her entirely, which is why I keep going back and forth on whether to say something or drop it.

I'll manage. :) Thanks again.

Usually the best way to figure out if a woman is into having sex or being in love is through her body language. When she touches you while speaking, or leans in to listen to you. The eyes usually evoke her thoughts and desires, and occasionally there are little signs like hair playing etc. But after 8 months you're probably beyond all that, and if the signs were there, perhaps you missed them. As you said, maybe you're not so good with reading cues. If she cares for you in a romantic way, you'll still see it in her eyes though. I'm sure of it.

I've never been able to maintain a platonic relationship with a straight man, because eventually they all try to make it sexual or romantic. Except for my work husband, and that was because we never socialized on weekends, or stayed out past 8 pm together. It always hurt a little when the inevitable advance was made...occasionally the feeling was anger or disgust. But I never told any of them the things this woman says to you, in fact, I usually made it a point to be as buddy-ish as possible to avoid giving the wrong impression.

It's hard for strangers to do anything but take a guess since no one's there to see your actual interaction. I would say though, that the loving things she says are encouraging, especially if she doesn't tag on extra words like "you're a truly wonderful FRIEND," etc.

You could approach it in two ways. One is to give her non-verbal cues by conveying your feelings through your eyes, the way you hold her gaze, lingering. The way you smile, half-erotic, touch her arm...that sort of thing, and see how she responds. Trust me on this, you'll get a message immediately one way or another. Cold terror, or sinking into your arms. Or, just tell her how you feel, in a soft, smooth, tender way... which to my mind is the only way to approach it after so much time, without completely ruining the friendship if she doesn't feel the same. That way there's no awkwardness to get over.

My two cents. :)

I've lived my entire life in fear of the "cold terror" reaction. LOL

Your sentence ("It always hurt a little when the inevitable advance was made") really hit home. That's exactly what I don't want to do to her. The prospect of hurting her is far worse than my fear of rejection.

I'm really leaning toward letting this go. In this situation, I'm really worried about messing up a friendship. It's that important to me. Barring some clear sign from her, or a totally natural and spontaneous progression to something else, I think I need to step back from these thoughts.

I really appreciate everyone's input.


edit-typo

:) It's never a completely great idea to ask strangers for opinions on really intimate stuff, because everyone answers from their own perspective. I've had not great experiences with male friends, so I was drawn to answer your thread.

I said it hurt me a little, because of those experiences. Friends for months or years, and then suddenly out of the blue, he makes a move. Twice, only after I confided that I was really into someone I met here, or someone I met there. After I said no, each time it became some sort of half hour or week long, intellectual argument... "why not, how come not, why, but why not, give me a reason." I even got the impression it was an investment kind of deal. "After all this time why not? I'm better for you." Blah blah. People don't try to coerce or make friends feel guilty. And it's disheartening to think you were once a friend, when in the flash of a moment you become a "thing." I told one ex-friend that even the random dude you meet on the street doesn't try to manipulate THAT overtly. But those were MY experiences.

Everyone lives in fear of the cold terror reaction. (I was exaggerating btw, based on my first two, days-long intellectualizations of "why not") The third time was cold terror. :) Fear of rejection is universal and all men and women would prefer to avoid it. Women also send vibes out that aren't answered, but usually the onus is on men to make it happen or not, so you bear the brunt of it.

You do seem to love her, and it was nice reading what you said. I do hope you somehow get together, even though I don't know you. I know what I would do. Send out lots of vibes and be prepared to pull back if it isn't answered. :)

HOWEVER, the "seeing you is the high point of my week" thing is a little different. It sounds to me like she may have feelings for you too! :shrug:

'Cause if you love your friend, well, he or she is not your friend anymore so much as they are someone you love. So I think it's time to have a relationship defining talk and see where things are after that, maybe when her professional life improves.