Yesterday I tried to retrieve a doughnut from its little glass cabinet with TONGS.

I picked up the tongs and tried to pick up the doughnut with them, but it just KEPT SLIPPING.

I tried it sideways, frontways, backways, nothing would persuade this doughnut to enter the jaws of the tongs.

"Why must I suffer this indignity?" I thought as a small crowd of people gathered round to observe with narrow-eyed interest and unhelpful, patronising advice.

"You're letting a doughnut get the better of you," chided a small old woman. "You're doing it all wrong. Didn't your parents teach you anything? Certainly you've used TONGS?!"

"Don't hold the tongs so tight, man!" said a long-haired guy. "Relax. Just ease 'em over. No, not like that!"

"What sort of attack angle is THAT?" asked one of the shop assistants. "You've obviously never done this before."

Reddening and in silence I struggled with the silly things until I nearly got the damn doughnut into the paper bag only to have the precariously balanced doughnut fall from the tongs to the counter. I picked up the doughnut with my fingers and put in the bag.

"Ew!" said everybody.

"I'm going to eat it with my fingers ANYWAY," I pointed out in my defense, to deaf ears.

"If you were going to do that, why bother with the tongs in the first place?" demanded the store manager, who had been called over to observe.

"I didn't know it was going to be so difficult," I said. " I did *try*."

"Do or do not, man," said the long haired guy. "There is no try."

"We put those tongs there for YOU," said the assistant.

"I don't think you should shop here anymore," said the old lady. "We don't hold with your type. Fingers! Why don't just stick it on a pole and slosh it around in the toilet bowl?"

There was, of course, nothing I could say. I shuffled over to the queue, which glared and muttered obscenities under their collective breath, and eventually paid. The guy at the teller gave me long, hard stare and pressed the change carefully into my palm with nimble fingers, avoiding contact with my flesh.

I crept out of the door clutching my little paper bag containing what was once a humble sugary treat, now a badge of shame.

WHY MUST WE SUFFER THESE CONDITIONS IMPOSED ON US BY RETAIL OUTLETS?

I use the little pieces of paper to grab my donuts with at my donut place. I sure am glad they dont put tongs out.

Donuts are not tong type food.

:hi:

...and welcome!

:9