I feel like shit. I think I might be a bad person.

I made a post in the health forum about problems I am having with getting my dad on medicaid so he can stay in the nursing home. I have been having mini panic attacks due to trying to figure out what I have to actually do.


But thats not my big problem.

My problem is that my dad is (or was) a complete fucking asshole when I was growing up. He beat my mom regularly and drank away most of our savings. He was racist as all hell and just an all around asshole. When I was able to move out I couldnt handle any contact with them anymore.

My mom died suddenly last year and she was taking care of him in their house he had a stroke and was unable to take car of himself. I had no contact with my family for at least 4 or 5 years and my brother has not had contact with them for much longer (for the same reasons). I didnt know a thing about their finances or what they owned or anything. I tried going through their home but they didnt keep many records.

So when my mom died the authorities ended up putting my dad in a nursing home and contacting me. I didnt know what the hell to do and frankly I didnt care. I thought he was going to just be living there and that would be it. Then I found out medicare only covered the first 100 days so I had to get access to my dads bank account to pay his nursing home bill. Well all that is now dwindling away and I have to find all this information to get him on medicaid.

But I have this nagging feeling in my mind. That I resent the FUCK out of him now. This guy who treated our whole family like shit is now unable to care for himself and it seems I'm the only one who is able to do anything. I still cant find my brother.

I guess I have no other choice but to keep trying since he cant do anything himself.

I feel like shit because I am pissed off that I have to do this for my dad whom I havent been very fond of my entire life.

To be, more or less, forced to care for someone who couldn't care for you, and in fact whose life made yours (what sounds like) pretty much a living hell, I think anybody would resent that. It's ok to be angry, dude. I admire the fact that you are continuing to do the work so that your dad gets the care he needs, even through the pain that he's caused you.

Forgiveness is a great goal, but it is not an immediate nor an easy one.

Peace to you. :hug:

There are days when I say "FUCK THIS SHIT I HATE THAT FUCKER I'M NOT HELPING HIM" and days where "I better do it or I'm going to hell"


I even had thoughts of the nursing home putting him in a shelter because he wouldnt be able to pay. And I CONSIDERED IT!!!

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. It's OK to not like your dad. He wasn't very likable.
If you want to help him, help him....and if you don't...which is really ok if that is what YOU want to do...
then find someone else to help him.

Just take one day at a time, and you can only do what you can do.
Be a little easier on yourself. It's a big thing you are doing.

You might also think about a PI helping you find you brother.

You might want to think about Al-anon...changed my life and way of dealing with things. Life is good now.
My family is still f'ed up, but I'm happy now.

edit:
Sorry about your mom too...that's a bunch to handle.

I've talked shit about prescription drugs before. Happy pills and all that.

my apologies

I swear Xanax is the only thing that will let me sleep now. I'm so messed up right now.

because you know you're a better person than your dad was and believe me, when his life is over you'll know for the rest of your days you did the right thing

I know I'm going to do everything I can to keep him in the home.

Its just these thoughts in my head and how I keep yelling in my head everytime I have to deal with some paperwork or some thing he needs (Why the hell should I he's an asshole).

trust me

If you do your best(and I know you will)
You will feel good about it.
that you even think about these things proves YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON.

it really has very little to do with him

Then maybe you can help him just out of charity and compassion, without the baggage. You are doing the right thing, and knowing that might help, too.

that you do it and hate doing it makes it more admirable in my eyes.

all these people that enjoy doing the right thing, nice for them, but the true test is when it hurts.

I was about to reply something similar when I saw your post
and frankly I couldn't say it better.

I guess this is your opportunity to show yourself as having risen above your circumstances, and at least do what it takes to make him a "ward of the state" so to speak. You might look into some sort of living will on his behalf so that when a medical crisis occurs, they can refer to that rather than calling upon you.

See repukes? THIS is why "end of life" planning is a good idea. Figure this stuff out while you have all your faculties and can decide for yourself, not be a burden on your children.

the way you do. You didn't ASK to have an asshole for a father. You would have chosen a father who didn't beat your mother. You would have chosen a lovable father, had anybody given YOU the choice.

You're doing the right thing. That is what counts. He didn't do the right thing. But you ARE. That means you're the GOOD person in all of this. Even if you're pissed off about it. That's the mark of true character.

Be the better person, and you will be happy for it the rest of your life.

:hug:

that makes you a great person! Not a bad person at all.

Give yourself a break!

If someone has treated you like nothing but garbage in the past, you're under no obligation to them now, IMO. Family or no family. I've never quite understood the notion that we're "supposed to" care about certain people simply because they're blood relatives, if they have no other redeeming qualities or if we're simply not compatible with them.

I certainly care more for my "family of choice" (pets, friends) than most of my "family of birth," since the former have actually earned my affections.

were young - it's your turn now.

you decide to be a good, or a bad, person, you need legal advice. Find someone who practices elder law in the state where your father is physically located. You probably have more options than you realize.

But you are doing the right thing even if you don't really want to. You are a better person than him and this fact will help you resolve some anger in the end. He can't hurt you anymore. Remember that.

My father wasn't abusive physically, and I have a relationship with him, but it has not always been easy, and I do have sisters to help.

It's hard when there is so much anger and resentment, I know. But you do need to do the best you can for him. Not because he's your dad, but because it is the decent, humane thing to do. Resent it, and go see a therapist if you can to work through the anger. But make sure your dad isn't homeless and uncared for. That would make you a Republican. (ha ha, sort of).

You're not alone in this situation; many others have trudged through this kind of thing before. Just get through it, and don't let the anger eat away at you.

it's not going to happen, and I personally think it's an overrated virtue. Some people don't deserve to be forgiven, and it sounds like your father is one of them.

If you were to wash your hands of the whole thing - as is your right - the state will appoint a guardian for him, and social workers will do all the things that you're trying to do now.

Just because you're his child doesn't mean you have to do any of this.

Save yourself. You owe him nothing, and trained professionals, who do this sort of thing every day, will do a far better job than you will, without any of the emotional wear and tear you're experiencing.

He'll be well taken care of, believe me.

I wish you luck in whatever you have to do, but remember that your first obligation is to yourself..........................

and I say don't feel bad about resenting him for that past behavior. You're a better person than he ever was because you can do what needs to be done in spite of the negative history. He'll die or be out of your responsibility soon enough.

Resent the fuck out of him if that helps you get through the day but always remember that you're a decent human being who is trying to do the right thing.

Once Medicaid takes over it will no longer be your burden.
:hug:

All I can say is do the bare minimum...

He sowed his own oats......

who never had children and ALIENATED the entire
family by being such a self-centered, trouble-making
BITCH.

I am the only family member she didn't crap all over,
and, as my father told me on HIS death-bed, "She's your
problem now, kid".

:cry:

She blew through 2 fortunes, taking cruises and
buying TONS of clothes.

I didn't bitch, because she always gave me her
cast-off clothes, many with the tags still on.

I used to take care of her cats when she went on
trips....

Medicaid is pending now, but I had to take an
ENTIRE WEEK off of work to get the paperwork handled,
and she sometimes accuses me of "swindling" her.

The saving grace is that she is now pretty demented, and
the stuff she said makes my kids laugh out loud, so it
is hard to be angry or resentful, because she is so silly
at this point.


On Edit:

I hired an Elder Law Attorney to help me (she had
a little money in savings). It was my understanding
that if I did NOTHING, she would be made a ward of the
state, and Medicare would be forthcoming.

I don't believe for an instant that they would have
put her in a shelter or "on the street" as they threatened.

She had no property, so the nursing home just ate what she
had left after attorney fees and moving expenses and pre-paid
cremation was paid for....

I guess there will have to be a hearing.

:puke:

I don't see how they can deny her...she
can't walk.

What the hell? That doesn't make sense.

I still feel all anxious and shitty but thats how I am whenever I have to deal with stressful situtations. One of the reasons I couldnt make it through college all the way. But I know I got options its just having to deal with them makes my chest hurt.

You just took your punishment in advance.

you're human. I can say that definitively because I have a similar relationship with my father and I am filled with dread by the knowledge that without my consent or acceptance of such responsibility I am named in his end-of-life documents as his next-of-kin and the person who has to decide when to end treatment if he is unable.

Mind you, this is a man I haven't spoken to in more than 15 years.

In this case you can take charge of the legal and financial arrangements to get him comfortably sited in a good nursing home. It sounds like you're all he's got. We have created these government programs for a reason. Unfortunately everyone needs an advocate. Help him get squared away and you'll have nothing to feel bad about.

Then you can visit him from time to time. Everyone is due a chance at redemption. There's no guarantee he will take advantage, but your act of grace will be good for your soul.

I can just picture them calling me saying medicaid is being denied and he is being taken to a homeless shelter.

Normally you sign a contract to turn over all his assets to the home and when that's exhausted he becomes eligible for Medicaid. What state is he in?

Doesnt seem to be an option for the nursing home. I have to do it myself it seems.

Government assistance won't kick in until they can verify that all his money is gone. That is why they need your help going through his finances. Help them take care of the paper work and they will set him up in the nursing home. Stay calm and they will walk you through the process.

My dad is a hardcore conservative. Always tried to teach me that government programs were worthless reject people all the time and are for people who are "low class". Funny how I'm on unemployment now and I'm trying to get his ass on medicaid now.

And then some.

I had fine parents, three of them counting my step-mother, and I feel some resentment over taking care of them when they were ill, although I did it.

But I wouldn't blame you at all for just walking away. Not at all.