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This morning, an appointment forced this Saint Paul boy to drive to Minneapolis -- to the warehouse district, specifically. Now, Minneapolis is largely a mystery to me. I've only lived in Minnesota for just over five years, and I'm firmly entrenched in Saint Paul. I know my way around Minnesota's First City very well, thank you. Never mind that Seventh Street sometimes goes East and West and sometimes North and South. Downtown Saint Paul is more or less on a grid, has sensible street names, and can be negotiated without severe trauma.
Not so Minneapolis. That city is a cosmic disaster for the uninitiated. Streets and Avenues have the same numbers, and are mingled incomprehensibly with named streets and avenues. Worse, there is more than one street and avenue with the same number, but a different directional suffix, and they are in no way connected. Some streets (or is it avenues?) are one-way in one direction, then suddenly change to be one-way in the opposite direction. It's a wonder of design...with the designer being someone hired immediately upon release from a facility for the incurably silly. It is, in short, a maze -- a maze designed deliberately to confuse the visitor.
Back to my story: Since my appointment was at 9:30 A.M., I reasoned that I could avoid the rush hour traffic by taking Snelling Ave., then Larpenteur Ave. in St. Paul, which becomes Hennepin Ave. in Minneapolis, then follow Hennepin Ave. until it intersects with Washington Avenue. At Washington Avenue, I'd turn right, and my destination was just four blocks away. That seems simple, right? So a guy would think, but he'd be very wrong.
First, Larpenteur Ave. is currently interrupted by construction at I-280. I had forgotten that. So, I followed the detour signs to bypass that always-under-construction freeway and got back onto Hennepin Ave., and was actually in Minneapolis. I thought I was all set. Then, as the downtown skyline loomed, I discovered that Hennepin Ave. suddenly becomes one-way, going the opposite direction from the direction I needed. I got shuttled off onto some other street, and thought that I was going the same direction as Hennepin Ave, so I'd soon reach Washington Avenue and that would be that.
No such luck. In the way of things in Minneapolis, the intersection of 3rd Ave. and Washington Avenue is also under construction. As part of that construction, the signs marking Washington Avenue are missing. Not seeing Washington Avenue, I continued, soon finding myself near the maze that is I-94 and I-394. I made a turn that seemed sensible enough to me at the time, and suddenly found myself shuttling between the Target Center and the new Twins Stadium. On the other side of that fascinating complex, I had traveled beyond the scope of my printed Google Map. Now, I was well and truly lost. I tried to turn around and go back whence I came, but was thwarted by a maze of one-way and no-way streets, and found myself in a neighborhood that did not seem to me to be friendly to geezers in old white Volvo station wagons.
Now, I'm a man, so I have a strong urge not to ask for help. Still, I had an appointment and was woefully late, so I grabbed the cell phone and called my wife in St. Paul. She's a Minneapolis girl, and I knew she could help me. In the meantime, I had driven to a place I could identify. I was under I-94 and I could see Lyndale Ave N. I parked. I called. My wife consulted yet another Google map and told me that I was way off track, but couldn't direct me from there to my destination. I was told that I must drive into the belly of the beastly city and call again when I was at a more convenient intersection.
Finally, I was on N. 4th Street at 3rd Ave. N., parked in a more-or-less legal spot and called again. Now, I could be helped. "Get on on 3rd Ave. N., which goes to Hennepin Ave., then follow Hennepin Ave. to Washington Ave.," she said. "Washington Avenue is the street right after you cross 3rd St." What? Well, I got to Washington Avenue, but it, as before at the other intersection I had missed, was missing all the Washington Ave. signs. Finally, though, I reached my destination, just half an hour late. I apologized to my prospective client, was forgiven, and we got our business done.
Note, for Minneapolis dwellers: I probably have all these streets and avenues messed up, but that's not the point, really. Or, perhaps it is the point...exactly.
I will, without doubt, be forced to venture into the maze that is Minneapolis in the future. Hereafter, I will take my King of Maps with me. I will not be beaten by the demon city on the wrong side of the river. I will conquer its mean streets and find my way, despite the machinations of its evil designers. So there!
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