blended family question

I'm dating a woman who has a 9 year old son. I've never been married nor do I have kids of my own, so if this relationship keeps going in the direction I think it will, I'm going to be doing a lot of flying by the seat of my pants. One thing I'd like some input on: My girlfriend's ex was emotionally abusive. She says her son has started to say the same kinds of hurtful things to her on occasion, although never in my presence. Not surprising, I guess, considering his role model.

I'm not going to make the mistake of trying to be the disciplinarian for someone else's kid and will stay out of those issues as much as possible. However, I do feel it's my responsibility to make it clear that "I" do not treat his mother, or any other woman, that way, nor is it acceptable for him to. So how do I get this point across? All suggestions welcome.

Ok.. that's just me, but voicing disapproval in an OK way and being what you want the boy to see is best.

Like I said.. that's just me.. I'm odd.

:)

in past generations fathers did not have to so verbally and to the point teach their sons how to treat women because they had majority of society teaching and reinforcing behavior. now the opposite is true. society, net, movies, tv is teaching both gender a harmful to behavor toward females.

that being said

i think as you spend time with him there will be many times that you will be able to point out your beliefs on respect.... be it self respect or respect for others. i have found that those that tend to not be respectful to women are not respectful period. that would be the underlining lesson to give this nine yr old, mother continually reinforcing, but ultimately giving to son so he understands respect and self respect. to respect the boy is teaching him what respect is.

always opportunities to share from example and verbal lessons

and a huge thank you for the males conscious about this and doing their part.

and that would mean not taking him to hooters at 9 to bond over tits and beer. (had a friends X do it with 10 and 12 yr old boys and they are picking up that very disrespect towards women from their father.)

Your girlfriend's son will watch how you treat his mother and over time, it will make an impression on him. If you witness the behavior, talk to him and let him know it's not OK to treat women that way.

Spend time with him; he's still got a lot of growing to do and you have the opportunity to reverse the damage his loser father has done.

Good luck to you. :hi:

Not sure where the original quote came from but our pastor taught on this one Sunday and it is soooo true.

Also, use movies and books as a way to casually discuss inappropriate and appropriate behavior. I used to get a lot of play out of Veruca Salt!

If you are in a situation where he is being disrespectful in your presence, use non-verbal cues like utter surprise or a shake of the head... let mom do the actual disciplining. Sometimes what we don't say can be more powerful than what we do say because it can't be easily argued or refuted. The "look," it holds power! :rofl:

thence forward for about ten. They return to somewhat normal in their 20's. In the meantime, be there for him. Especially bail. Mom's don't handle jail well, and every teenager ends up there at least once.

that is so funny. and it is known? i have told sons, ever get put in jail, dont be callin me. lol. son says, what if i am framed. tough i say, lessen learned.

hubby says, call me.... lol

you must be right on

funny

And by correct it I mean a simple - "I will not accept that attitude toward your mother in my presence. She is a wonderful human being and she loves you very much. She doesn't deserve to be spoken to that way. How would you feel if someone treated you in that way?" - even better if it's done out of earshot of the mom so the kid doesn't feel defensive. You'll need some sort of consequence to back it up as well ... if there's something special you two like to do together I'd start with skipping it for a day, or something similar.

If you DON'T see the behavior, which at this point you are not, your behavior will be the example. It also may not hurt to have some "strategic" discussions in front of the child about how said it is that some people treat each other with such disrespect, etc.

Kids are a pain in the ass, but they are awesome enough to make up for it. :) Have fun!

You WILL have to be the disciplinarian sooner or later.

And try to remember this: Nobody's ever ready when they become a parent for the first time. At least this one's old enough to reason with...lol.

I was in a relationship with a woman who has children and after a few times meeting when first together she told me her son said I was a nice boyfriend unlike her other ones. I think you have the right mindset going in and over time that child is going to realize who you are but I guess some reassurance won't help. I just never made a point of it and just treated her as well as her kids with respect.