My Uncle is a mean drunk and my Grandmother protects him from that fact

This couple from next door are the nicest,sweetest,most caring kids I have ever met. They worked for my Uncle all summer and they worked HARD for only $7.00 an hour.

Everyone in my family loves these two. They hire them to do odd jobs around their houses and everyone is PLEASED with their work.

Anyway, they got evicted for whatever reason and my Uncle invited the couple to move in for a month until their new apartment became available.

My Uncle has lost friends, spouses,contact with his adult children, etc. because he is such a mean drunk. He is,"Instant asshole,just add beer." We were beer drinking buddies and we got along great for the most part,but I had to quit drinking with him because of him being verbally abusive.

Then he started attacking his temporary roommates. They would give him money while he was drunk and deny that he got money the next day. He would wake Brad up at 10pm knowing that Brad had to BE at work at 6am to make beer runs for him because he was too lazy. He was just being an all around jerk.

The couple had enough of this and asked me if they could stay in my extra bedroom for a couple of weeks. I told them I wouldn't have a problem with it but they were going to have to ask my Grandmother for permission.

Brad approached my Grandmother tonight and told her the same thing that he told me about my Uncle and my Grandmother said that they couldn't stay.Do you know why?Because moving out of my Uncle's apartment to move in with me because they could no longer tolerate his drinking would offend my Uncle and really upset him.This was her way of protecting him from that.

I love my Grandmother very much but I wish she would snap out of this denial about my Uncle's drinking. But it's not even about just being drunk,it's about how my Uncle BEHAVES when he is drunk. He has a list of bars that he is 86'ed from and he still doesn't get the clue.

Now my Grandmother is mad at Brad for wanting to move out, and she is mad at me because the couple wants to stay with me.If the couple moved in with me first and didn't move in with my Uncle at all, my Grandmother would be OK with it.

I just don't get why she protects him. Is it accurate to say my Grandmother is co-dependant for protecting him?

She is enabling him. She is giving him permission to carry on the way he does. And this enabling hurts everyone around him, AND it hurts him, even though he doesn't see, or doesn't want to see it.

Some people are enablers, and she's one.

You should let them move in with you; it's only a couple of weeks. I suspect your Grandmother will forgive you eventually...

What a mess.

You have my sympathies, sweetie...

:hug:

Enabler.

Unfortunately, he was also a horribly self-destructive alcoholic - drank entire bottles of hard liquor in a day's time.

This guy would stay up until the next morning drinking a fifth, not sleeping at night. He'd wake up at 4 pm the next day if not later.

In the band, he was perpetually lazy - never practiced, never helped us get gigs, frequently complained when we did get gigs, rarely invited friends of his to our shows, and he'd often show up to practice late, too drunk to play or not at all. He had two really short songs (1-2 minutes in length), neither of which were very good or inspired, and he'd always make the most mistakes out of everyone.

He would get drunk and snap at everyone - roommates, friends, bandmates, and even me. And half the time he wouldn't even remember doing it the next day because of how stinking drunk he was. He went in and out of rehab several times, and it never had any effect on him - he'd start guzzling booze within 48 hours.

Also, he wouldn't appreciate anything anyone did for him - I never once heard even a "thank you" from him for all the extra weight I pulled in the band, or for the time I practically carried his drunk ass out of a bar, or the time I took him to get an endoscopy because he was feeling weird pains in his stomach (probably from drinking all the time).

He got a DUI and couldn't drink for a while (he had to go to Tent City for a few weeks and had a breathalyzer on his car), and was a completely different person - practiced, played well, was much nicer, helped out the band a lot more, didn't forget things all the time, etc.

But once he could drink again, he did with a vengeance, and was back to his old self.

I've heard that certain alcoholics function very well when someone forces them to abstain from alcohol for one reason or another, and it's possible he was that kind of person.

In the end, all his other roommates moved out and wanted nothing to do with him, the only girlfriend he ever had in his life threatened to leave him over his drinking, and he drunkenly snapped at the drummer and me, so we kicked him out of the band, split up the equipment between the two of us, and I moved out. I haven't spoken to him since.

Some people are on a mission to wreck their own lives, whether consciously or unconsciously, and unfortunately there's nothing anyone can do to stop them.

But as they say, "Misery loves company", and I suspect a lot of these self-destructive people want friends, relatives and loved ones to watch them self-destruct up close.

Some people also think they can "save" these self-destructive people, but in the end they are only hurting themselves with extra stress, wasted time, frustration, anxiety, etc.

I made the mistake of thinking I could save this guy until I finally came to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to be saved or helped at all. His girlfriend changed her mind and stuck around, presumably thinking she could save him.

Sometimes you just have to know when to walk away. It wasn't an easy decision for me to make, but I'm glad I made it.

Take what you will from this story, but it sounds like you should let this couple move in for their own sake - and then maybe tell your grandmother, or even your uncle to his face, exactly why.

I don't know how close you are to your uncle, but depending on that, you might also consider curtailing any further contact with him if he keeps this up, which it sounds like he will.

make them any easier to tollerate. Many of us who are recovering alcoholics are still realising after many years sober how obnoxious and evil we were when drunk, and how much of the really bad things in our lives were of our own making. Thing is, he will have to stop drinking to begin to understand this.
The addict chases the drug and the family chases the addict.

mark

He's also alienated his adult child and family. Last I heard from him, he was across country and homeless due to his drinking and subsequent abusive behavior. That was 2 yrs ago and I don't even know if he's still alive. If my Mother was alive, I have no doubt that she would have enabled him. It's difficult, I wanted to help him but I refused to subject my family or myself to his abuse. Then there's dealing with the guilt of not helping him. I know I can't help him, he has to help himself, but it still bothers me. He's my big brother, 14 yrs older than me, that protected me from my abusive father/his stepfather when I was tiny. Then there's the anger that he's chosen drinking and being homeless over his family rather than facing his demons.

decide who lives in your spare bedroom?
dc

:(