I Just Came out to my mother

i think i will just die from the pain i have caused her

That rainbow thing is a dead giveaway.

Seriously, though...you must know that it was the right thing to do, or you wouldn't have done it. Mom will surely accept your openness, but it might take time. Rest assured that you're both better off for it.

and go back to india...so that she does not have to see it...yes we are talking

That took a great deal of guts...hopefully she will see past your sexual identity and see your bravery in this whole matter

Breathe deeply. This too shall pass.

Time. Time will help.

You were honest. You took a risk for the relationship.

You did the good thing.

straight!

Chastizing yourself for something over which you've no control is a great way to go insane. You were born gay, and there's nothing wrong with that. Hopefully, your mother will come to see that.

By the way, I think you're a brave soul for coming out to your mom! :hug:

...with a better head for math and a metabolic rate that would have kept me thin, instead of the characteristics I was born with (more of an orientation toward language and artistic skills, and a body type that means I really need to start exercising more). Those traits may have made life easier for me on some level, but it means I wouldn't be who I am.

We are all created with different traits, and (based on my religious beliefs that some people here love to bash), I am convinced that there's a reason that each person is who they are, even if we're never able to see it ourselves.

To quote an over-used like from Shakespeare, the most important thing is "to thine own self be true." You did what was right. How your mother deals with it is up to her.

So anyway, how did she take it?

Sorry it was painful. Hope she accepts you for who you are and have always been.

its gotta be rough

with open arms and support.

She'll come around.

My mother-in-law went into hysterics when she found out I was an agnostic liberal.

Can you give us the gory details? :evilgrin: I hope it didn't impact your marriage.

though i entertained my father in law this weekend...made four course dinner...cleaned house..entertained...all the while like my insides would come out

Your situation is nothing to laugh at. :hug:

now your post makes sense

Da dadadadadadada...

They're walking guilt trips. Don't worry about it. You'll both be just fine.

its been 3 years and she still cries over my brother (who is also gay)

show her the up side: she can have a son-in-law and a daughter-in-law. Just like every parent wants for their children; sort of a different matching than she had envisioned, but really, no problem!

try for some levity, laughter always helps. :hug:

No way in hell me or my SO would do such a thing.

trust me...:-)

but i dont like causing people pain

but not being able to be honest with her.

I'm sorry it was so rough. :hug: With time, she will probably come around, after the shock has worn off.

I still haven't. I don't know if I ever will.

Kudos for your courage. :hug:

Hang in there, I know I'll be thinking about you. :hug:

You won't die, and neither will she. (No parental figure has, according to PFLAG...)

considering your culture.

Do you know any other mothers of lesbians she could talk to?
Assuming that she wants to talk and not go on hunger strike?

I am not judging you,
I just have some idea of how tough it is going to be once everyone else "finds out."

But at least she learnt it from you, in private.
One mother I know woke up to find her son had just been crowned as the local drag queen and was front page news.
Thank you so much for having had the courage to let her know.

I'm sorry, Priyanka, that it couldn't have gone better for you, and that you hurt so much for having hurt your mother. OTOH I don't really see that YOU have hurt her so much that she has been hurt. It's a fine line but I think there's a difference.

It seems you're close and that you have a relationship to build on. I wish you only the best. You're a brave young woman.

(My father feels great shame at my orientation, and unfortunately he will never understand that not only is he not responsible, but that there is rationally no shame to be had anywhere!)

i believe this is the tragedy of her life etc

You didn't choose to be gay, right? You mustn't feel guilty because of her pain. I'm not saying to be insensitive or cold -- hell, no.

I can tell you from experience that if you allow yourself to be beaten down by pain you think you've caused your family -- for something you had no hand in creating -- your self-image will tank and you will be miserable.

Buck up, sweetie. Lean on us.

but this is the problem, as i bisexual, i sort of did choose...and i know its my choice to make but you see why the guilt is worse?

Honey, the point in saying we didn't choose is in this: a human being can't choose who she falls in love with. Being bi means only that you can fall in love with either a man or a woman; it doesn't mean that you "should automatically" fall in love with a man, but "choose purposely" to fall in love with a woman.

I wish I could explain better what I mean.

Come on, bi DUers... help a girl out.

i mean i know these things but sometimes i cant help but think that so many people would be happier if i "chose" a boy!

they had careers, three beautifull children, drinking problems, endless fights, no end to strife and eventualy they also had a divorce.

No, you can no more choose who you fall in love with than what the weather will be.

I know this, as a straight man married to a bi-sexual woman those desires never go away. Even if you had found and fallen in love with a man would you somehow be less bi? Sure, maybe you could have lived an easier lie but still a lie. Don't second guesse your love! Revel in it! Scream it from the mountain and the world be damned.

Belive it or not your mother needs a lot of love right now. You have had a long time to come to terms with your sexuality. You had (probably) years to prepare for telling her. Your mother has not. In fact from what you say, she had heeped her dreams onto you in reaction to your brother. She has had to shift those dreams twice now and due, to her at least, catastrophic events in her life.

Why is this song rattling around in my head for you today?

teach your children
crosby, stills, nash, young

You who are on the road
Must have a code that you can live by
And so become yourself
Because the past is just a good bye

Teach your children well
Their father's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you will cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you
And know they love you

And you, of tender years
Don't know the fears that your elders grew by
And so please help them with your youth
They seek the truth before they can die

Taylor and Zac overlay:
Can you hear me and do you care, can't you see
You must be free to teach your children
What you believe in
Make a world that we can live in

Teach your parents well
Their children's hell did slowly go by
And feed them on your dreams
The one they picked, the one you'll know by

Don't you ever ask them why
If they told you, you will cry
So just look at them and sigh
And know they love you
And know they love you



Know they love you LP. Love them back. They need you now more than ever before.

As I told my Wife, if she was a guy, I'd be gay. I know there's more to it than that, but that is the bottom line. You love the person, not the genitalia.

Anyway, it's not like you can't give her grandchildren.......

Mazeltov and be strong.

That took a lot of courage. I'm betting that your mother will heal, and eventually even accept. ;-)

As if I have direct experience like this, but a shock is a shock. Give her a bit.

i have been living w.gf for couple of years now

Her own expectations, prejudices, whatever...but you are not responsible for her pain.

Much support to you. :hug:

you guys are so sweet i could cry...except if i cried anymore....

My Mom didn't take it too well at first, but I knew I had to finally sit her down and tell her the truth. (She claims she didn't have a clue.)

We didn't talk too much for about two weeks, then we both kind of came together and talked things out. And from then on, we have been closer than ever. I now live 1200 miles away, and she and I talk on the phone daily. She often laments that she doesn't hear from some of her other kids for weeks at a time, but she know I will call her, or she call me every day.

Try not to let yourself get too dragged down over this. Regardless of how it works out, you have to be you.

And thanks for sharing with us.

I can't even imagine the cutural and familial pressures, but you did what you had to do. And that takes a LOT of guts.

There is a women here in Boston, Kashish Chopra, whose family is from Punjab and she is a lesbian. I read about her in the Boston Globe. She says she gets a lot of emails from woman all over the globe...most in the same position. Email her...

I found a couple of articles here....the first one has her email address.

http://www.afterellen.com/People/chopra-interview.html

http://www.baywindows.com/news/2003/09/04/LocalNews/A.True.Beauty-457238.shtml

The Globe article I read is short (and probably says alot of the same things as the other articles) but if you want it I can send it yo you.

Hang in there.

and my head stops spinnning

I'd buy you a drink but I'm all the way out in Seattle. That took stone guts - I'm very proud of you. :toast:

I knew already though. I told him I accept his preference and I am okay with it. He said Stevo, I love you so much for saying that. I love my son.

been able to come out with him. The pain that my father went through sifting through his brother's life and feeling like he never really knew him was almost unbearable to watch. I remember the night my father looked at me with tears in his eyes and said simply," Why didn't he feel that he could tell me?" That kind of pain, the kind of pain that isn't fixable, is horrid. My uncle died in secret silence, without the arms of family around him to ease his way. Why? Because he thought we would shun him.

Right now it doesn't look like it, but you have saved your family from the possibility of uneased pain....and I applaud you for it.

Lots of hugs...:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Laura

I can tell you that we want our children to be happy, first and foremost. And we will NEVER stop loving them. You sound like a sensitive, caring human being, and that reflects on your upbringing. If your mother was able to raise you this way, she must be the same.

Priyanka.

It is especially hard for us Indians to come out...our communities are more traditional.

I came out to my parents (who still live in India) about 9 years ago on one of my trips back home. They were not happy, but they were not mad or unhappy either...they were just concerned, and asked me a thousand questions.

It helped that I had already come out to my sister two years ago, and she had sort of prepared them for this news.

Well, after 9 years, they send me clippings of pro gay articles in the Times of India via mail / email.

Give her some time to digest this big news.

thats sweet of you!

That does take real guts. I came out to my fundie parents when I was 16. It can be a very long process. It took 15 years for my folks to get used to the idea...and it is still a topic years later. I found solace in the gay community and basically made my own "family". I would highly suggest some gay-friendly counseling for a time.
I have to tell you that the process is well worth it, although I know it doesn't always seem that way. You did a really wonderful thing for yourself. It was inevitable. Please know that. Be sure to pm me if you would ever like to talk.

I'm sorry it was difficult.

You are not responsible for your mother's pain, hon. She's a victim of Society's narrow-minded ideals. I hope your mom soon realizes this and cherishes you, because you're a wonderful daughter.

Don't ever feel ashamed of the person you are.

thinks she will be missing. when she realizes it won't be much if anything, it will help. your mom loves you. we love you. just know that it will get better. I wish everyone could just be who they are and it wouldn't matter but sometimes that isn't going to happen for a while. Your mom loves you and will come around. Hugs until then, sweetie.

i really need it!

but what paragon said is true... this is not something you caused. I hope that she will grow accustomed to the news, and accept it. I don't know you, other than reading a post here and there, but I still care, because I feel very strongly about gay rights. I have a lot of respect for you for taking this very difficult step. You are being true to yourself, and that is incredibly important in life. ((((HUGS)))) to you and your mom.

:hug:

I was not shocked for I already suspected, but my parents were crushed. It's now been a couple years, and they are at a point where they realize it's who he is and they can't change it. While they might not agree with it, they accept who he is and let him be.
I hope your mother can get to that point too. Best of luck to both of you!

i am still alive if very tired/exhausted and heavy hearted today

hoping that understanding and acceptance will come quickly, 'cause life goes by so damn quick. :hug:

Us Indians are slowly but surely becoming more accepting. Maybe now you can have a big wedding with your family there! I'm sure your mom would love to gain another daughter rather than lose you.

Good luck :grouphug: :yourock:

infact i think i feel worse than i did on friday :cry:

It does take time though. Believe me, it does get better. Feel free to PM me anytime.

Mark

I'm sorry. That's not much but I'll keep you in my prayers and hope that the pain eases.

BTW, IMHO you in NO way "caused" her pain any more than if being born blond "caused" her pain.

i just still feel very guilty about it...

LP, sorry I didn't see this before. I'm glad it got kicked back up though.

Reading through this I see everyone else has already said everything there is to say (except I don't see any deleted posts!). There is so little anyone can actualy say that will help ease your pain or hers.

There is no fault. There is no blame. There simply is what is and everyone must live around it.

All lusty kidding aside, I wish I could give you a big hug right now ... but I'd proabably make you sick.

Go love the people in your life, including her and yourself and it will work out in the end.

Be strong, girl. There are people who love you. There are people who accept you. Someday, with a little patience, they may be one and the same.

PM, if you need anything.

i tend to want to throw up when i am sad..and i think my inside will come out

Good for you! I'm sure this has been really difficult for you and your mother, considering many older Indians are culturally quite conservative. Being Indian I should know. Even though I am straight, I can only imagine what it would be in a relationship with someone of a different ethnicity, let alone, someone of the same sex!

One thing that's important for your mother to understand is that you're lesbian, not because you necessarily want to (though there's nothing wrong with that either), but because it's part of you -- that you were born this way, and nothing can change that.

Feel free to PM me if you feel like talking. This board is here for you.

saying poor old me...how tragic is my life to listen to anything...and she is under the impression that gay people are not discriminated..so we dont need her support etc....

:cry:

you're probably going to have to give her some time.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I would guess she's wanting to go back to India because she feels it's the "corrupt Western culture" that has caused this?

Hopefully, you two will be able to speak about this soon.

It's funny about coming out, but it's very difficult for otherwise tolerant people to accept this of others, especially if its their own son or daughter. For example, my family discusses politics openly and frequently, and the gay marriage amendment came up and my parents both thought it was stupid, but that said, they would still freak out if my sister or I were gay.

Oh well, I hope things work out for ya.

Will be praying for you guys. Hope you can resolve this happily and quickly.

I took a long time to do that...I actually kinda cheated and let her know without saying it before I actually said it. In the end it all turned out OK.

At any rate it is never easy to disappoint those we love. But think of it this way. Why is it a disappointment? Hell in todays day and age, if you so choose, she can even have grandchildren. Hang in there, you will both be better of for the honestly. In the mean time...:hug: