Somewhat awkward situation- And an unusual question...

In February, I'm going on a vacation with my significant other and another person with whom my s/o is very close (we'll call him Joe). In all honesty, I do not care much for Joe- he is the type of person who is always complaining.... always has to have things his way... is downright nasty to service folk (waitstaff, etc) for little or no reason.... you get the idea. So, I keep my distance. If my s/o invites me over to dinner and I find out that Joe is involved, I will often make up an excuse to not attend.

The other big problem I have with Joe is that he is an extremely heavy marijuana user. EXTREMELY heavy. I'm no prude, and I don't care what other people do, but he tends to be very inconsiderate about it (sparking up when I'm in the room, knowing full well that I can be drug screened for my job). My s/o and I have had it out about this many times, and he knows that when this happens, I leave the house- end of story.

When my s/o and I booked this cruise, I absolutely refused to share a cabin with Joe. So, he and a friend are in another cabin, which is fine- if he gets to be obnoxious, I'll do what I usually do and find somewhere else to be.

Here's the crux of my concerns: I don't believe that there is any way that Joe can go 7 hours without pot, much less 7 days. It honestly wouldn't shock me if he decided to try to pack him a 7-day stash and fly to Florida with it. In all honesty, I'm not terribly worried about him getting busted for being stupid, but I am pretty certain that if he did, my s/o would feel obliged to bow out of the trip to stay with him, bail him out of jail, etc... Thus, ruining my trip, too... But then again- I don't really know how likely this is- do they really even check baggage for drugs? OTOH, this IS South Florida, so they very well might....

So the big question: Should I open Pandora's box on this? I know that many of you will say the obvious, easy solution is for my s/o to man up and set Joe out on the high road- believe me, I'd lose no sleep over that but it isn't going to happen. It's a long and complicated story.

Thanks to anybody who has an opinion.

That you won't be associated w/ someone who's stupid enough to bring drugs on a plane and risk ruining your whole vacation. Or make it clear that if he gets busted that your SO better not stay behind w/ him.

but worst case scenario- it would force a "him or me" ultimatum (which maybe needs to be done, quite frankly).

I'm not worried about being implicated if he does anything stupid- all of my reservations, flights, etc... were made separately and you can bet my lily-white ass that I'm not letting my luggage out of my sight!

I'm not even talking about you being implicated. If the guy is stupid enough to bring drugs on a plane, then you're SO has no obligation to stay and help him out of his jam.

Frankly, there's nothing you're SO would be able to do in that situation anyway. Joe would need to get a lawyer and even then he will still be fucked for a good long time. You're SO would be wasting his time sticking around.

All three of you should discuss it before the trip. If Joe indicates he's bringing drugs, tell him up front if he's busted you're not helping him and tell your SO he better damn well do the same. If Joe says he's NOT bringing, make your SO promise that if he does and he gets busted, then he's on his own.

SacredCow,

You gotta do this: Take your right foot and place it down... and refuse to budge it.


Either Joe stays, or you do.

It's a big boat- I can get far enough away to relax.

You could be implicated too if he's carrying drugs and part of your party.

Haven't you ever watched Locked Up Abroad? http://channel.nationalgeographic.com/series/locked-up-abroad

Believe me- I had that fear early on.

My s/o wanted to buy all of our flights together, and I insisted that I buy my own. There's nothing that links me to Joe.

So customs will be involved which could involve random checks or drug sniffing dogs, so be aware of that.

I smell problems particularly if he brings a largish amount. It also depends on how heightened things are security wise. Right now, they are being extra cautious.

And your S/O should know that Joe is a big boy and has to take responsibility for his actions. So maybe you might want to communicate this diplomatically.

I've travelled internationally and only been really checked once. But they do tend to profile people. Especially if one smells of grass..

Curacao and Aruba... And Half Moon Cay, but I'm not sure what "country" that is.

I probably will have to say something. I was told that Joe was curtailing his use, but from what I've seen as of late, it doesn't appear to be true.

Your SO doesn't seem very committed to the team of the two of you.

If Joe does get nailed for drugs, that's gonna be the point at which you find out if your SO is committed to you or to Joe.

If the SO stays with Joe, then you know you've dropped a SO who isn't worth a tinker's damn, and you can enjoy the cruise by yourself knowing that you are with your best possible company at the time.

If the SO stays with you, then you know where SO's loyalties really lie, and you can enjoy the hell out of the cruise knowing that you are with the right person.

So, in a sense, either way you win.

I'm pretty sure it'd be the former. But you're right, and I'd have a whole boatload of potential rebound-mates to choose from.

:spank:

She's not that Significant. I don't mean to be harsh, but if she's going to choose one of her buddies over you, then you need to move on.

And yes, they do occasionally screen luggage for drugs.

Also if they find it in the random bag-check by TSA, he's equally sunk. More so, because it's in transport and likely a decent quantity...he'd likely be facing "possession with intent to sell" and a host of other charges used to steamroll couriers, rather than run-a-day "possession".
In other words, if he takes weed onto the plane or boat and gets caught, he's looking at prison, not a slap-and-fine. He'd be wiser to buy on the other end if he can...abstain if he cannot.

Be clear to your s/o that if Joe gets busted and they bail to stay with him that you're going to be irate. They can't say they didn't know how you felt about it if it was made clear well-upfront.

The only reason I hesitate is that Joe and I had it out over his use during a time period when the 3 of us were living in the same house. I told my s/o that I had said my peace about it then, but.... I think this falls under a different category.

comes down, AND stick to it!

I don't walk away from that much money because somebody that I don't even like did something stupid. And if they think I'm fronting bail money? :rofl:

and all three times my bags were checked. I am a pothead but I never tried to fly with a stash. Too risky. Twice I had to empty my pockets. It's just not worth it. Tell Joe about a fellow pothead who would have gotten busted if I had a stash.

And I'm glad you didn't get busted!

a line that you haven't crossed. Joe can't NOT toke- not realistically, anyway. Like any drug, pot is very susceptible to dry spells when there just isn't much to be had in the city. I've seen him in the midst of these dry spells a few times, and it ain't pretty. I thought he was a jerk when he was getting his weed- deprive him, and he's easily a million times worse.

Weird, though- all of my other friends who were really into pot were the most laid-back and easy-going people you'd ever want to meet. He's the first psycho-jerk I've encountered. Only one, for that matter.

three other women, all for different parts of the country. There is a (ahem) pothead among the group. We have warned her multiple times (we travel together, and to foreign countries to boot) to not score. But somehow she does, and does not get caught.

My guess is that "Joe" will find some way will "find a way".

Now the question is . . . do you want to tolerate this?

Only you can can decide how much you are going to live with, how much you are going to tolerate.

Wishing you good luck.

P.S. The pothead gal? I told her that I would not travel with her that I'm not judging her, but I will not travel with her anymore.

like my s/o says he will. I just really don't see that happening.

This is the first time I've agreed to a vacation with Joe tagging along since we all went to New Orleans for a long weekend and I couldn't be in the hotel room for much of the weekend because it reeked of pot (I was HELLA-pissed). As long as I've got a cabin where I can get away from him, I'll be good. I won't *have* to eat with him, if I don't want to.

he is going to score some where during the trip. Thank gawd that you have a safe haven.

Good luck on your vacation.

The worst part is that he'll bitch and complain and moan and wail until my s/o will go and score it FOR him. I can say with all honesty that if he gets my s/o arrested because he wants to get high, his butt is going overboard in the wee small hours of the morning.

Without getting into too many details, Joe has some health problems and he is adamant that the pot solves them (for the record, it doesn't).

If he gets busted, and he will, that is his problem. You have to make it clear to SO that SO has to decide where his or her priotities are. In fact, I would not travel with someone like that. Being innocent and convincing the police that you are not part of some criminal enterprise and two different things. While I agree that marijuana laws need to be reigned in, I'll never be around the stuff myself. Too risky.

Besides, Joe sounds like a first class dick. Can't imagine what your SO's attachment is.

believe me- I wouldn't lose any sleep if Joe were out of the picture tomorrow.

After pondering the issue and reading some responses here, I'm definitely having a chat with the s/o about the issue. I'm probably going to insist that since I am not convinced that he won't try to pack pot, then I am going to have to take the stance that I don't know either one of them for the flight days.

He'd stay and bail the guy out instead of go on a cruise with you? Frankly, that's screwy, IMO.

In my defense, really- he's more of a semi-significant other. I have my own place, and he has his. We can not live together for a variety of reasons- some of which he brings to the table (Joe), others that I bring to the table. Honestly? If Joe were out of the picture, I'm not sure if I'd be willing to sell my place to move in with him, and I'm not sure I'd want him living completely at my place (though he spends most nights with me- we only live a few miles apart).

For whatever reason, he feels "responsible" for Joe, which Joe gladly accepts- but I don't want anybody being responsible for me, EXCEPT me.

something more out of it than secondhand smoke, y'know? ;) I hear what you're saying about not wanting someone to be responsible for you -- it seems that there isn't even basic respect and attention being paid in this particular trip.

He has done a lot to help me in the past, and if I needed help he would drop everything to be there. Unless Joe needed help at exactly the same time- I'm not sure what would happen in that instance? :shrug:

if joe and your s/o are arrested and there's any kind of an investigation, the fact that you "pretended" not to know them will set off all kinds of alarms that you were up to some complicated scam

i don't think you can win either way, because if joe's arrested boarding a flight, or by customs at the cruise terminal (where they frequently have a sniffer dog) then it's likely to be a federal offense and any "act" you put on, such as denying that you knew the two men, is itself the crime of lying to a federal agent

one of the things security is supposed to look for is people who are together, who then pretend they are NOT together

Thanks for the input

this joe is more important to your s/o than yr safety, your freedom, and yr money (all yr cash can be seized as well as the chance of arrest, just being associated with this guy) -- which makes me question your judgment in having a relationship with the s/o in question frankly

the eagle who flew with the ravens got caught in the net set for the ravens

frankly i would dump the s/o and go on my own damn vacation, a long time ago i got sick and tired of such delights as being shot at, in my own home, because friends are stupid

going on a cruise, they check the bags for ALCOHOL, you think they won't find drugs? they also had the drug dog there, on the last cruise i went on, to check for cuban cigars as well as wacky weed

there's a good chance yr friend will be caught and arrested and, when he is, all booked on his itinerary will be held and questioned

it could prove to be a very expensive cruise indeed

if you insist on these kinds of associations, you should not be traveling by air or on cruise ship either, that's just asking for trouble, frankly i wouldn't even allow "joe" in my home or car

i know, i know, all kinds of nice people smoke weed, trouble is, these days, there is NO upside to associating with them, when there are a million other nice people who DON'T smoke an illegal product

that's my opinion, sorry

the 60s are over, drugs are not cool or interesting, they are just stupid, even if you are never convicted of a drug crime you could have all your $$$ seized in civil forfeiture with no recourse, i know too many people personally it has happened to

Which is exactly why I'm concerned. When we first booked, I was assured that Joe had started to cut his use and by the time this trip rolled around, he wouldn't need any weed for the duration. However, I (unfortunately) spent some time around him over the holidays and am now convinced that is NOT the case.

but for clarification- I'm NOT booked with Joe, or my s/o for that matter. They paid for their fares and flights together, while I took care of mine separately. The only link is that I'm rooming with the significant other- but because this is a charter cruise, we had to fill out separate paperwork even.

Joe isn't allowed in my home or car, by the way. I'm not as anti-drug as you- I really don't care what others do in their own home, but I don't want what they do affecting me in any way.

Thanks for your input!

:hi:

I would guess that pot would be easy to find anywhere the boat goes.

If Joe is a heavy smoker then his idea of a vacation does not include a hiatus from herb.

Joe will most likely bring at least a small sum and is only slightly less likely to get away with it.

You already know that if you make an issue of it then drama from multiple directions will probably ensue.

I wouldn't try Miami but I've done Tampa and Orlando without so much as a hint of an issue, post 9/11.

Good luck!

I don't plan to make an "issue" of it, but after reading the responses here and thinking long and hard, I'm definitely going to speak to the significant other about my concerns. Probably armed with some links to stories of arrests abroad to drive the point home.

I wouldn't try it right now but then I wouldn't get on a plane other than for an emergency or a payday.

my weed is usually waiting for me at the hotel.

i've been doing it for years, and so have several friends. it works great. :shrug:

i smoke weed every day- i'm not going to try and take it thru airport security, and i'm not very good at scoring weed from people i don't know in places i'm not from, but visiting.

fedex has never let me down. :hippie:
and by sending it a day or two ahead to the hotel, it's patiently waiting for me to arrive.

I can see several advantages of this approach for me- For one, it would ease my mind totally with respect to the flights. After that, it'll be in HIS posession- not mine, so it'll be HIS problem.

Of course, I still contend that him just doing without for a week is the best approach for all involved, but if he insists- I guess I'd rather him do this than try to smuggle it on a plane. It would take me out of the equation a little better, I think.

when i got the idea, it was from an old bob greene column where he talked about fedexing a pair of sneakers to his destination. although he wasn't doing it for drugs...maybe it was a cheeseburger. :shrug:

and- i've always sent it to myself at a hotel where i hold the reservation in my name- hotels get packages a lot for guests, and hold them for their arrival.

The hotel room is in my name so that won't work. But perhaps Joe or my s/o have a friend in the area that would be willing? :shrug:

I maintain my own residence, as does he. He would like for me to move in with him, but with Joe in the mix (Joe is his roommate, and on disability) it ain't going to happen. And probably for the best, really- I like having my own space to retreat to when I want some "me" time.

Ask him who he's going on the cruise with, you or Joe?

it doesn't lead to the lines of questioning or funny looks like "semi-significant other." Not that it's really required here on DU, where it's mostly anonymous- but it's a habit. I freely admit it's not a 100% typical relationship, but given the circumstances it works out pretty well. During the times we can be together, sans Joe, we get along famously and enjoy each others' companionship. When Joe requires attention, he gets to let out his "mother hen" side and I get some alone time, which I cherish.

As for the cruise, when I suggested it I never imagined that he'd invite Joe to tag along. There had been a botched trip some years back (before Joe and I had it out) that Joe backed out on because he couldn't be sure that he'd be able to get his weed. That should have been a sign that he was unable to travel because of his habit, but.... apparently not.

This relationship has major issues.

good luck

We're not partners and I don't want us to be- really and truly, I consider us to be semi-significant others but that's a story for another day.

not lenient." http://www.bonaire-travelguide.com/travel_tips/

severe, and convicted offenders can expect long jail sentences and heavy fines." http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_981.html

You wrote that you booked your room separate from Joe and your SO, then you wrote that the weed can't be Fed-exed to the room because it's booked in your name?
You stated that your SO is rooming with Joe, then wrote that you and your SO are sharing a room.
You also mention Joe and a friend in his room.
What's really going on here???

question? I don't mean to be harsh on you, but this is a classic no-brainer.

Redstone

Wait until you get to whichever stop has the most stringent laws and the longest punishment, then rat rat rat. Joe problem solved. He stays there, and you and the s-so get some private time.

Ok.. slightly tongue in cheek, but I would do a disclaimer beforehand. Not anywhere near you, your things, etc. If he gets caught,its understood that you burn his ass, take your trip and fuck him. Then do what you can to protect yourself. You might consider Fed-exing your stuff to yourself, as much as practical. That way, come any trouble at the stops, nothing you care about gets seized. And next time just say no Joe.

she would have just loved chewing this up and spitting it out.

2 sides to every story, yours and the SO's but it sounds like he needs to make a decision here. Who is on the top of his priority list, you or the buddy? :shrug:

What happens if you are pulled over?

I just can't imagine risking my job over a cruise, or a guy. Maybe you have a shitty job that's not all that important?

doesn't seem like a very healthy one, and it doesn't seem like you're too happy with the whole situation, so it might be time to toss the old ultimatum (pick one; him or me) out there. That being said if your relationship with your S.O. is absolutely perfect but for this one little blip (Joe), maybe that's the cross you have to bear for being with him (the S.O.).

Just decide if he's (the S.O.) worth it and go from there.

Other than that I got nothing.

Q3JR4.
Being mediocre since 1982.